She must have fallen asleep because she wakes up startled to hear three knocks on her door; quiet, in quick succession. A glance at her phone tells her that it's 1 am and she has 6 missed calls from Fin. Fucking fantastic.

She doesn't want to talk to him but she also doesn't want her neighbors to call the cops, so she opens the door. He's holding a bottle of whiskey and staring at his phone.

"You don't have to call me again."

He looks up and puts his phone away. Holds up the whiskey as if it's his sole purpose for showing up at her apartment at one in the morning.

"Amanda." He looks unsure, and Fin's really not an unsure kind of guy, so she steps aside and waits for him to accept the invitation. He makes his way to her kitchen and sets the bottle on her counter before he turns around again.

"I wasn't sure you'd be down with the whiskey tonight..."

"It's fine. Thank you. And Fin? I really, really am."

Because it's something to do, she pours them both a small glass and they sit down on her couch. Frannie watches with some interest from the corner of the room; she knows Fin, likes him even, but Amanda has been acting strange lately and it's been putting her dog on edge as well.

"Amanda..."

"Fin." She's really not in the mood for this.

"Barba called me. Seemed kind of worried about you."

That surprises her. Barba's always been a little stressed no matter when she sees him, but the fact that he worried enough to call someone- Fin of all people- was unlike him.

"Barba should probably mind his own business. He's got a pretty important case to deal with right now. You've probably heard about it. It's the one where an Atlanta PD police chief raped his det-"

"Amanda." She's spiraling, but he also doesn't think he can listen to this just yet.

"Is that all you can say? Amanda? I thought you'd have some sage wisdom for your poor lil' fragile partner." Her tone isn't loud, but it's harsh, biting. He's not usually at the receiving end of it, but he knows he's not the one she's mad at now anyway.

"Amanda, I'm sorry. Really. You didn't...I'm sorry."

Because she can tell that it's probably all he planned on saying, she is grateful.

"Yeah. Thanks. You know, for not prying."

He looks like he wants to ask, but he knows her, knows that she'll never talk until she's 100% sure that she's ready, so he changes his mind.

"You just let me know when you wanna talk and I'll be here."

They drink and stare at her blank TV screen for a while before he finally asks her.

"What made you want to testify now?" He's one glass of whiskey in and he's working on a second so it's now or never.

She stares at her shitty coffee table for a few moments, takes a sip of her own drink, and speaks.

"Because I saw that other girl fighting and I knew I couldn't live with myself if I didn't help her."

"What about you?"

"What about me?" She's getting nervous now, but she won't let him see that.

"You didn't wanna fight for yourself? You could live with that?"

Another swig of whiskey, a glance at her watch. 2:45 am.

"I'm still here aren't I? Still living."

"Could have fooled me."

"Oh yeah? You met me like this, Fin. You've never known an Amanda Rollins that wasn't raped. This is who I am now. Nothin' can change that."

"But you won't fight for yourself. You'll fight for your sister, Benson, Amaro, and every woman that steps through the doors of SVU. You won't fight for yourself. Why?"

"Because I walked into it! I knew he wanted sex, I still went to that motel. I knew he was drunk, I still lay down on that bed. I said no but it was too late! I was stupid! And I was reckless, and he raped me, and-" a quick pause to catch her breath, concentrate on not crying. "I walked into it. That is the price I had to pay for being stupid."

"Bullshit."

That surprises her. "You think the reason I didn't report him was bullshit?"

"No. The reason you gave wasn't bullshit, but it wasn't your reason. You could've fought for yourself after you transferred out of Atlanta. You didn't. Something changed your mind this time around. What was it?"

She knows all of this. But at least her bullshit didn't go unnoticed. At least someone cared enough to call her out on it. Because yeah, Atlanta's a boys' club, so she couldn't accuse him while she worked there, but nothing stood in her way after her transfer request went through. She just…couldn't. Not even Benson had asked her about that.

"I um…..I kind of…always regretted it. Not reporting, I mean."

"So…."

"So when I came here, and my coworkers treated me like a human and not a piece of ass, and I saw how powerful these women were…the ones who reported, I mean. I saw these little girls accusing their fathers and their coaches and their teachers. They had so much more to lose in their lives from doing that, and they were still…stronger than me. And then Benson, last year…All these women had it so much worse- not that it's a contest- but these women could do it, and I couldn't. I couldn't and I hated myself. I hated myself so much for not saying anything."

He gets that. He doesn't actually understand what it feels like, obviously, but he gets it.

"So when you saw Detective Taymor…"

"I knew as soon as I saw her. I saw that young girl with the blonde hair and bright eyes and I knew, Fin. I knew. I could've stopped it before he raped her. And I was still too fucking afraid of him. Of that garbage. I hate him, but God I hate myself more."

"So..."

"So when she had the guts to stand up to him in open court while he was still her boss, and she still lived and worked in Atlanta….She had so much to lose, Fin. So much. And she did it anyway. I thought, 'If she can do that, then I can get the fuck over myself for a few days and help her.'"

"I'm sure she appreciates it."

She scoffs, because they don't even know if her testimony will be allowed, and Taymor really isn't all that thrilled with her "help" so far, but she appreciates his words nonetheless.

"Thanks." It's inadequate, but it's all she can think to say in the moment.

"Anytime," he says, and she believes him, because Fin's always understood her better than almost anyone in this city. They have extremely different backgrounds, and lives, but somehow there is a very real kinship between them nonetheless. She doesn't trust a lot of people, but she trusts him. He's got walls as high as hers but he is a good soul. She wishes she could have known him earlier.

"Fin," she says into the quiet.

"Yeah."

"You'd care if I disappeared, right? You'd miss me in the beginning, and you know, think about me sometimes?" She continues before he can respond, "Not that I'm gonna disappear or anything, just… Sometimes I wonder, you know? I wonder who would care."

"I'd care."

"I…thanks. I won't go anywhere."

"Good. I don't like new partners."

"You seemed to like me just fine." She nudges him and he smirks.

"Yeah, well, I was just amused to be partnered with someone whose birth year was so recent it almost gave Munch a stroke."

"I miss Munch." She didn't know him that well or for very long, but he was one of the first to really welcome her into the unit. She would never forget it.

"I should check up on him more often. He might wallpaper his house with tin foil one of these days."

"He might be onto something." She wonders if Munch's theories weren't always so crazy.

It is then that Rollins remembers to check the clock. 3:30 am.

"Damnit," she hears Fin say as he checks his own phone for the time. "I should go."

"You can just crash on my couch. I'm sorry I kept you so late…"

"Nah, I'm the one that showed up at one in the morning and invited myself inside."

"Still. You should stay. It's fine, I don't mind. Unless, you have work in the morning-"

"Benson gave us all the day off. Said we should save our energy for court." Oh.

"Then it's settled. You're staying." She goes to find some extra pillows and a blanket.

When she comes back into the living room she sees him cleaning up their whiskey glasses and giving Frannie a treat. She smiles.

"No need to spoil her, Fin. She already likes you."

"Just making sure I'm still her favorite SVU cop." She chooses to ignore the implication there, instead handing him his pillow. She waits a beat, then gives him a quick hug. It's fleeting and awkward- she knew it would be- but it was necessary. She couldn't have slept without making her gratitude very clear.

"Thank you, Fin. For tonight. For being there."

His gaze is far more tender than she had ever expected from him. It's warm and comforting and exactly what she needed.

"Any time, 'Manda. You just let me know when."

And she heads off to her room.

She doesn't have a lot of people in her life willing to put up with her relentless bullshit. Fin is one of the good ones. She thanks whatever higher power there is for his presence in her life every day, sometimes twice. The past decade has been a spectacular shitstorm of problems for her, but she still feels joy, still loves. She still has the power to forgive.

Maybe, one day, she'll forgive herself.

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Thanks for reading, friends. Feel free to leave a review if you're so inclined.

XO, E