For Flying Purple Kites...
"Where are we going?" She asks me, still giggling – betraying her youth.
"To the courtyard, the moon is beautiful and full, I just want to see you under that light." Sebastian was right, the words flow out of me easily and freely – I was getting the hang of this after all. She didn't smile at all when I first saw her but ever since we came together, she hasn't stopped.
Giggling a little louder, Alice slips her other arm around the one holding her hand and hugs it as I lead her out. We both laugh and gleefully skip out into the courtyard, what a merry looking pair we must be.
There was something about her that drew out my faded adolescence, something so sweet but equally sour – bitter and tart. I wonder if it was her soul that took over, she had such a hold on me and I could smell her so vividly the back of my mouth started to salivate, I was famished.
Drawing her out and standing in the middle of the courtyard, I can still hear the stringed symphony emitting from the ball room, I flick her off of my arm and twirl her around in front of me, grabbing a hold of her waist I bring her close as I begin to dance with her. She chuckles lightly as she looks into my eyes – hers, a color of ice blue, pierce me.
"Why won't you tell me your name?"
I smile at her, "My name is Ciel."
"Ah, Ciel, Ciel…" She feels the letters on her tongue as she repeats my name. "Ciel, Ciel, Ciel…"
"Why do you keep saying my name?"
"I'm calling you to me." Her voice is calm but thick with honeyed tones. God, she is alluring.
"There's no need to call, I'm here."
"Hmm. I love the sounds of words forming in my mouth – you should try it."
I think for a moment, and then I try it, "Alice, Alice, Alice." It is nice, I think – well, nice enough. I let her name roll off my tongue with each inflection.
"There, you see, how did that feel?"
"Wonderful." I try and flash her my most charming smile, it must have worked because she reciprocates.
"You know, I can't remember the last time I was happy, truly happy."
"Really?" Well, neither can I.
She hums and nods as she presses her warm cheek against mine, I know my skin is ice cold but she doesn't flinch, she just holds it there, seemingly enjoying our closeness.
"May I be honest about something?" She poses.
"Of course." Who am I to say no? Especially, if she wishes to be confessional – I cannot give her absolution but I can listen.
"In this moment, right now, I am truly happy."
"I'm pleased."
She purrs to herself and I can feel the vibration in my chest. "Ciel, Ciel, Ciel… Your name is beautiful, it means 'Sky' or 'Heaven', yes?"
"Yes."
"I prefer heaven." She coos.
"Why's that?"
"It's nicer, isn't it?"
There was something so distant about her; even though I held her so close to me she felt miles away – like she wasn't intended for this world. I feel like she wants me to chase her but I'm unsure if I'll ever be able to catch her. However, I will try to catch her, I am finding myself curiously drawn to her.
"So, you were watching me?" I conclude, she had mentioned it before but I didn't know what she meant.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I saw what you did to that blond girl earlier."
I stop – did she know what I was? What was she going to do? Was she a demon too? I couldn't smell that particular sweet and spicy aroma of a demon on her but then, I am only used to Sebastians' scent.
My mind races as I slowly back away, my eyes dart around the courtyard, looking for Sebastian, desperately trying to seek him out – I can't find him, where was he?
"Don't worry, that's what drew me to you." A wry smile etched on her tempting, pouting lips as if she knew she had spooked me. "Ciel, Ciel, Ciel…" She spoke my name slowly and in such dulcet tones, it was disarming.
"I don't think I'll ever get to heaven Ciel." She continues. "They tend to frown upon suicide."
"Suicide?" I whisper aloud as I back up from her. With each step I take back, she advances towards me, slowly but steady – certain. Her cold, narrow eyes focus on mine.
"I watched you from the moment you arrived and I saw what you did to that little blond girl - I want you do to the same thing to me but… I don't want you to stop until you have finished your work."
"I-I don't understand."
"I think you do." Her smile was felicific but it didn't work on me, "I think you understand me perfectly. You see Ciel, I was seeking you out because you are my death."
The backs of my knees hit an ice-cold marble bench causing my legs to go weak and I fall back. My eyes still scan the area for Sebastian but he's nowhere to be seen. Was this another way to test my humanity?
Alice leans over me, her hands firmly planted on the tops of my thighs as she stares deeply into my eyes. Her ebony hair cascades over her milky white shoulders, her skin glitters under the moonlight as though it had never seen sun.
"Do it." She commands softly, almost whispered to me. "I want you to kill me. I need you to kill me."
"Why?"
She is so close to my face now, I can smell her pungent soul permeating from her mouth as she breathes.
"If only you knew the life I have led – if only you knew the things that torment me, destroy me from within. I am not afraid – I'm ready." She pauses to examine my face. "You're doing me a favor."
The life that she lead? The things that torment her? I doubt she has seen anything nearly close to what I have – has she?
"You don't want to die, trust me." The words flew out of my mouth before I had the chance to stop them. She was my target, my quarry and she was going to die today. Why would I try to have her appreciate her life now?
Moving off of me, Alice sits down beside me, her hands on mine as she looks towards me but her gaze is right past me.
"I thought you would understand. I thought that you were here to take me – to free me." She sounds quite stern but equally her voice was so fragile.
"I am here to take you but I cannot offer you any freedom. I can only offer you death."
"My death is my freedom."
Her words are resolute, poetic and powerful and they shoot through me like a bullet – I had in fact found a soul almost like mine. It was no wonder that Sebastian found her intoxicating right from the start; she seems as desperate and as broken as I must have been when he first laid eyes on me, when he found me as desperate as I found her.
I want to pity her, I have the lingering need to comfort her but I don't. I can feel that I no longer want to comfort this other human being, what I want… I want to tear her to pieces and rip out her soul. I want to wipe her blood from my chin and toss her emptied body to the floor.
"If that is what you wish, then I will grant you your freedom." I concede, I want, no, I need to have her.
Her eyes meet with mine for a second, and then she glances down.
"How will you do it?" She asks, not a trace of hesitation or fear in her alto voice.
"However you like. I can make this quick and painless or as gruesome and violent as you'd like." I speak to her in pleasant tones; this is the most frank conversation I have ever had about killing someone. Most of the time, when they come before me, I am unable to control myself, no words are spoken just their futile screams as I rip them apart – clawing at their chests and plunging my hands deep inside to squeeze their souls from their hearts. Now, I'm here, just talking to her as though we were having the most polite conversation about the weather.
"If it would suit you, make it quick." She states matter of fact. I am taken aback – was this what I was like when Sebastian came to me?
"Very well, I shall make it quick then. Before I do, I have to ask – why? Why do you want to die?"
"It is quite simple, really." She turns her face to mine, "I was never meant to live in the first place. Now, will you grant me my wish?" Her words were so guileless, so honest – I decide that I don't need to ask her any more questions; it was only to sate my morbid curiosity in any case. It's not as though I actually care.
Like a tiger, I pounce, swiftly swipe my hand from under hers and grab her by the elbow, pulling her close. My rosette eyes fixate on hers as I listen to her heart race – I don't think I will ever grow tired of hearing that rhythmic pulsating beat. It was as if everything has gone into slow motion as I can see her come towards me. Her hair wafts and floats around her face and her head. Her skin flushes and prickles, her body jerks and shudders, she moistens her lips as they part and she falls forward onto me. Using my other hand, I propel her into my chest and hold on to her tightly.
I kiss her, greedily and hungrily as I force her soul from within her. It tastes debauched and depraved - simply delicious, like the most savory tawny port. She doesn't fight me, she doesn't struggle, and she just collapses into my kiss. I can taste that she was haunted, that she has experienced so much. To honor this delicious meal, I savour her and let my eyes roll back into my head – sucking hard – drawing out every last flavorful drop she has to offer. Her body becomes limp and heavy, motionless and dead as I wring her dry.
It was like an enraptured hit to the skull, I feel exhilarated and alive. I let go of her lifeless body and it falls across my lap. I push the corpse off of me and watch as it tumbles to the ground. It is amazing and oh so satisfying.
I lean back into the bench as I absorb her soul within me; this is much different than before, better. Slaughtering someone held no value to me; it was messy and undesirable but this? This is marvelous. I hum to myself with pleased satisfaction as I sense someone is near.
"Well done young Master." His voice is warm and I can sense that he is smiling even though he approaches me from behind, was he proud of me? "How was she?"
"Wonderful." I reply with a droll smile. I hazily start to sit up, it was potent and I'm dizzy.
"I watched you the whole time. You looked quite adorable with her, like you were having fun."
"Tch, fun? I did exactly as you taught me and nothing more." I scoff.
I look down on her dead body with such reverence, "Thank you Alice – I hope you found the freedom you were looking for." I smile as Sebastian collects her body from the ground. He looks at me curiously as I utter those words. I suppose they were indirectly aimed at him as well. Do not worry Sebastian, I will be true to my words, I will set you free.
As he carries her off, I watch her body bounce along as if she were simply asleep. She still looks quite beautiful, tranquil and dead.
I lazily slouch along my ruby red velvet chaise longue in my townhouse. Sebastian thought that it would be best to relocate here after the ball as the servants would still be at the manor and I could be alone to enjoy whatever high was left over from my dinner from the other night.
He wasn't wrong. I feel utterly useless at the moment as I lounge here, I feel so weak but in a pleasant way – bloated and satisfied. I sprawl out on the long flat surface; putting my right arm behind my head and letting my left dangle down to the ground I close my eyes and attempt to enjoy the silence. It had been two days since I demolished Alices' soul but the effects of her were still lingering on my palate.
I'm lost in thought but I'm not thinking of anything at all, my mind is completely blank. I can still hear Alices' melodic giggling ringing through my ears as loud as if she was sat beside me but she's not. I try to concentrate on something, anything else, but I can't. Her laughter, her voice, her words are within me - I can hear her so loud and clear. It was different than all the other times, I could quiet the screams of my other victims before and never hear them again but now, she just won't leave. I groan in displeasure – please go away Alice. Was this residual guilt?
Whatever it is, it's clear - she's haunting me.
"Young master, are you all right?" Sebastian stands beside me; I can feel the fabric of his trousers brush past my left hand. We're alone but still, still he calls me that.
"It's nothing." I sigh. I let my hand touch the fabric of his trousers, just above his knee, feeling the texture underneath my fingertips and Alice seems to have quieted down now. Thank you.
"How do you feel?" He questions me; I only open my left eye, out of habit. I watch him looking down on me, a wry smile etched on his lips as I pull on his leg, dragging him down to his knees in front of me. I have become remarkably strong over the last few weeks, much to my amusement and to his displeasure.
I have yet to over power Sebastian but I do try. We train daily to help me get used to my newfound strength and he doesn't topple me as easily as he used to. I think he can sense it; the balance of power is shifting. I am no longer a sad, desperate little child that he has to look after, watch and guard. I think that even though he resents me as a demon, I resent him for failing – he failed to uphold his end of our contact, he failed to protect me and he failed to save me. If anyone is going to be bitter here Sebastian, it's me.
"How do I feel? I feel more alive than I do dead." I stare at him. His face is unwavering as he stares back at me, it was soft but stoic as he tries to get a read of my purposefully blank expression.
"Sebastian, you want to leave me don't you?" I ask plainly.
"That was the deal of our renewed contract."
"When do you want to leave?"
"As soon as my young master feels able enough to live on his own."
I hum an acknowledgement at his reply, it was as expected. I close my eyes again and tilt my head towards the ceiling.
"What if I told you I was able to now?" I let go of the fabric and trail my fingers down his thigh and back to my stomach, resting them there.
"I don't believe you are ready yet my lord." He spoke quite earnestly, I open my eyes again but I don't want to look at him, I didn't expect him to say that to me, I thought he would be glad to be rid of me - finally.
"What more do you have to teach me?"
Sebastian ignores me and stands up, moving away from me he goes to the window to draw the drapes; I guess it must be getting late.
"I'm going to draw your bath now."
I roll my head over to him; I can't help but be dumbfounded by his behavior.
"I don't feel like a bath now." I start to sit up, pulling at the back of the chaise long to lift myself up. I look over at him as he pulls on the cords of the tiebacks, releasing the drapes and shaking them out to ensure no outside light can come in through the gaps. "Furthermore, there are no servants here, there's no one – you do not need to be my butler here." He ignores me again – this is becoming quite an annoying little habit.
"You've had a long day today – you will need to relax. Which is why I am going to draw you a bath." He says as he leaves the room.
Perplexed, I glare at him as he leaves. I am aware that his style of teaching has actually been to torture me – I have half a mind to torment him in return but what would that serve? I feel less and less attached to him as the weeks go on; I have come to depend on him less and less.
I can do many things on my own now, such as draw my own bath, I can even dress myself – which may not seem like a big deal to some but it is to me. Still, even though I can now do all of these things for myself, he still continues to do them, he keeps pushing me to be more adult and a better demon but in the same notion he keeps infantilizing me.
Most interestingly, he doesn't push for me to release him. He must know that he still here out of mutual resentment. Was he still here to absolve for the current state that I am in? Does he pity me? Possibly not, we no longer have the capacity to care for such trivial things such as pity, not to mention that my hatred of him has started to subside, surely he can sense that.
I can't hate him any more than I hate myself for being this way. I came seeking death, just like Alice had but unlike her, I am cursed to live forever. She was fortunate, her death did in fact give her her freedom. I understand Alice so much more now, she got to be free – Sebastian is fortunate as well, he will eventually be free. Me? Well I get to watch my life disappear and die right before my eyes – just as I'd seen three years ago when they burnt down my home, when they killed my parents – I get to relive my life over and over again. This is entirely your fault Sebastian – you failed me. Still, I can't seem to let him go. Was this sentimentality or familiarity? I don't know – I can't help but keep fighting with myself over this.
We are in darkness and we are bound. Sebastian and I are bound together in the darkness, never wishing to seek out the light, but hand in hand together for all eternity. I know he won't admit this to himself but I think he needs me as much as I need him – but there is a problem, even though I can't seem to let him go, I no longer need him and I think he knows it. However, here we are, attached, stuck still relying on one another. Which one of us will release the other, I wonder. Which one of us will pull the trigger to this loaded gun?
"Sebastian, Sebastian, Sebastian, Sebastian..." I say silently to myself in my empty room, I feel the syllables and letters drip off of my tongue, now that, feels better.
"Yes my lord?" Of course, he hears me; he stands beside me – just appearing from nowhere.
I wave him off. "Nothing. It was nothing."
I hope I'm the first to pull the trigger.