'Ciel, Ciel, Ciel…'
Please go away.
'Ciel, Ciel, Ciel…'
She's here, I can feel her, and I can smell the perfume of her skin, the warmth of her cheek as it presses against me. Her thoughts are my thoughts as I hear her utter my name, constantly, repetitively – she is unyielding and will not let me go.
'Ciel, Ciel, Ciel…'
Deep within me, she's in me; I can feel her, penetrating and clawing at my psyche. Tugging, pulling, ripping and wrenching me apart from the inside.
'Ciel, Ciel, Ciel…'
Please Alice, please leave me. I did what you asked, I gave you your freedom now just give me mine.
Suddenly, she's quiet and finally silence descends upon the room.
I lay here, motionless and numb. It has been six months since I turned and now everything has been put into place for my death. I sent Sebastian out to deliver the news to my so-called friends and my family; he added the elegant touch of giving them each the gift of candy, as it was one of my favorite human vices, something to remember me by.
Everything is prepared for my human demise, I have changed my will, given the servants Phantomhive manor, the townhouse will be sold, my family ring has been gifted to Lizzie, Funtom has been moved into the charge of a factious holding company that I will still control – except I will be using a proxy for the time being. I've also stipulated that I do not want a funeral – that was mischievous foreshadowing on my part – why have a funeral when there won't be a body to bury? In any case, there is nothing left for me here anymore, Sebastian took care of all of that and I can now 'die' in peace.
Pulling the sheets up to my chin, I snuggle in deeper, taking a moment to enjoy this time alone. It's boring. I decide that it's time to get up; I can see the sunlight find its way through the cracks in the drapes and spill over everything in my empty, packed up room. I don't know why I bother to keep up the pretense of sleep; ever since I changed I never need to. I never feel tired or exhausted but now I just lay here, awake and being tormented by the melodic voice of Alice constantly calling my name.
Sitting up in bed, I stretch out, I can feel my bones and muscles snap into place and start to work. Yesterday was another training day as I've learned to become much stronger. I can now command with my voice, my touch can now tantalize and even though this body is young, I hold so much power within me that I have even started to frighten myself – it was exhilarating – I am now a demon.
Getting out of bed, I walk over to my wardrobe, which holds only one outfit, as I wasn't intending to stay here in this townhouse for too much longer. I take it out, tossing it onto the bed and as I start to walk towards it, I unbutton my nightshirt – preparing to dress myself. He's back, I can smell him. I've grown accustomed to his familiar scent and I can sense his presence a mile away.
"Can I help you with anything my lord?" Sebastian asks as he appears in the doorway. He leans against it with smug smile as he crosses his arms, watching me.
"No. I can dress myself just fine thank you." I shrug. Even though, in my mind, our newly revised contract is now coming to an end, Sebastian still hasn't mentioned anything about our deal. I am more than surprised by this as his treatment of me hasn't changed – his disdain for me hasn't either.
I know I'm like a bitter taste in his mouth – one he cannot seem to get rid of but still, he hasn't killed me so I suppose this is what they would call progress.
Although in this time, he has slowly started to stop being more of my butler and more of, well, I don't know what to call us – our mutual distaste for one another doesn't exactly make us friends but here we are. We train together; hunt together and more often than not, we kill together.
Sliding my black wool breeches up and around my waist, I tuck in my white shirttails and fasten the waistband around me. I gaze over the rest of the ensemble, thinking to myself, waistcoat, no waistcoat – waistcoat. Picking it up, I slip it on over my lithe frame and quickly button it. Reaching down for my ribbon tie, I can't find it – I'm pretty sure it was just sitting here. Sebastian holds out his hand with my tie dangling in his fingers and smiles. He moves so swiftly, it's impressive. Slowly moving towards me, he stops in front of me, reaches out and lifts up my collar. Gliding the ribbon around my throat, he starts to tie my tie. I frown at this notion as he only lets me get so far and then he takes the rest from me – as if I still need to be coddled. I don't but I don't hate the familiarity of the routine either.
I realize that I will miss him, the camaraderie, the acquaintance and the company. I have been thinking about this a lot over the last few months and I believe that I am ready to say good-bye. As I let my mind become pre-occupied with this current thought, I look up at him, his face seems worried – almost sad – this is amusing.
"Well, spit it out." I demand as I know there is something weighing on his mind.
"My lord, I know you didn't want a funeral but the Marchioness has decided to override your wishes and is holding a memorial service for you." He sighed heavily.
"She what?" I huff and stare back at him, trying to read his facial expression.
"When I went to deliver the news, she demanded that we had one as it was only proper – you were an Earl after all."
I move over to my bed and sit down. I pause for a moment and then continue to finish dressing, grabbing a sock from next to me and pulling it over my foot.
"Typical Aunt Francis – honestly." I exhale as I start to pull my socks up underneath my knee.
"She's also asked me to give the eulogy because she said that I was the closest person to you." Sebastian couldn't help but let his face show how completely charmed he was by the whole thing.
Groaning loudly, I throw myself back onto the bed, my hands covering my eyes as I try to process all of this. The weight on the bed starts to shift as Sebastian leans over me, pulling my hands from my face.
"Don't worry; I'll say wonderful things about you my lord." His grin was something the Cheshire cat would be proud to boast.
"I don't doubt that." I push him off of me; he stands to his feet and straightens out his tailcoat. I sit up, sharply; the motion causes Sebastian to step back a bit. "I want to go." I announce.
"My lord?"
"To my funeral, I want to go."
Southwark Cathedral is beautifully decorated in my favorite white roses. It is absolutely elegant as they have lined the rows of pews and the pulpit. As there was no body, Aunt Francis has opted for a simple floral display of white roses and white calla lilies on an exquisitely laid out table, the most striking thing on that table being the massive silver cross that sat just behind the flowers and the two matching candle sticks on either side.
It was strange to be in this house of God when I was one of the things that the devoted despise – a soulless demon, evil itself – or that's at least what I like to believe I am now. Still, it was comforting to be here, sat by myself in the back corner pew. It was dark here as all the light that poured in through the stained glass windows was concentrated at the altar – not a lot of work had gone into the back so I was sat quietly in the shadows. I wonder, just how many Phantomhives have been memorialized in this church? I am the last – the name dies with me.
I had to disguise myself, for obvious reasons, so I was wearing a black top hat with laced tulle that draped over my head and face but I could still see out. Sebastian was at the front having his life squeezed out of him by a wailing Prince Soma. I chuckle as I see his servant Agni struggle in his attempt to peel him off of him. I half expected Soma to gnash his teeth and render his garments, as they would have done in biblical times but, alas, no such luck as Agni managed to get a firm grip on his lord and yank him off.
I continue to look around the room and my eyes land on Lizzie; she sits so still and lifeless, almost just as I'd left her several months before. She is sitting in the front pews alone, even her maid Paula was not with her, but sat in the row directly behind her. I could see the sadness in her once illuminated green eyes – now they looked very dull. She was wearing my ring on her black-gloved left ring finger, it suited her so well. Aunt Francis who was also sitting right behind Lizzie was stoically shedding a tear or two – no doubt because I was the very last of the Phantomhive name, especially as she was now a Midford and the remains of her brother – whom she never spoke about after his death – are now being buried. She would never show or speak of it but I think my fathers' death had a profound effect on her. She was always a stern woman but when her brother died, I think a part of her died too.
This must be what it's like for Lizzie.
Sebastian is right, her part in my relatively short life will be nothing more than a distant memory to me and in the future she'll be fine, she'll forget about me soon enough. She'll grow up, become betrothed to someone else, marry that someone else and bear his children. Her mind will be preoccupied with the thoughts of her new life and her new family and I will just be nothing more than a distant memory. At least I can take some kind of solace in that.
Sebastian went over to the pulpit to give his eulogy. He refused to share any of it with me as he wanted it to be a surprise when I first heard it but surely even he must have realized that I wouldn't be giving it my full attention. I would just be watching everyone's' reactions, I was quite sure that this place would be filled with nothing more than people who wanted to prove to themselves that I was actually dead. No such luck, the people here seem genuinely saddened by their loss – it was pathetic. One of the things I realized is that death is an inevitable part of life and there is nothing you can do to stop it or prolong it. I knew that from the moment the fire engulfed the manor – I knew that death was always in my future.
"Well now, fancy meeting you here."
"What are you doing here?" I hiss under my breath not bothering to turn to him.
"I could say the same of you." He replied drolly.
"This is my funeral."
"And I've come to pay my respects. Although, I can't say that I'm not disappointed you haven't actually died – after all, I had a coffin made up especially for you. You would have liked it." Undertaker giggles lightly to himself. I can't say that I understand him or his eccentricities but he has been kind to me in the past.
"Will you miss me?" I smile dryly at him, even though I know he can't see my face.
"Possibly, you've provided me with endless hours of entertainment. Well, you and your butler. I wonder – what's going to become of him once you're gone?"
I turn to him, "He'll do what he's always done and move on. I imagine it would be the same had he have taken my soul. What a ridiculous thing to ponder over." I scoff. I never knew how but Undertaker was always either keenly perceptive or incredibly well connected in the underworld to know most of my secrets and especially of my new deal with Sebastian. Even though he was thoroughly obnoxious, he could see things that others couldn't – always one step ahead.
Undertaker puts his hand on my knee and lightly taps it as if trying to console me, for whatever reason – I'm not even the slightest bit upset.
"I warned you. I warned you not to give away your soul and look what's happened to you." He was quite serious, something I had never seen before, his face didn't budge as he kept his head and his eyes forward. "I knew – I knew all along but it was too late for you I suppose." He seems to be thinking aloud as he whispered that final thought. I can't help but shrug.
"I'm not going to say that this was what I wanted, I would have much rather have been buried in one of your coffins but I made my deal and sealed my fate."
"You wanted to become a demon?"
"No – this fate was chosen for me. Completely taken out of my hands."
Undertaker hummed at my response. "I suppose it always was." He moved his hand from my knee and to his chin.
"What do you mean by that?"
"What? Oh, nothing really – it's just that in a way, you were always a little like him." He nods his head towards Sebastian. "So, I suppose this was always meant to be your fate – whether you realized it or not." He stops, contemplating something but he wasn't about to let me in on it. Instead we both sat in silence as we watched my former butler give the eulogy of a lifetime – my lifetime at least.
Perhaps Undertaker was right; perhaps I was fated to be a demon. I don't know, it was never anything I wished to dwell on, especially over these last six months. Whatever, it doesn't actually matter, I don't believe in fate or destiny in any case. What good is free will when you have fate and what good is fate when you have free will – what good is either when you don't have the power to control neither?
'Ciel, Ciel, Ciel...'
Not now Alice, please.
Whenever I think of fate or free will, my thoughts often return to Alice – she took both into her small hands and was able to control it – she chose her destiny by using her free will – she chose me and by choosing me, she chose death. I admire her for that, perhaps that's why she's still with me? It doesn't matter. As I sit here and listen to Sebastian pontificate about a life that was meant to be mine but didn't sound anything at all like it – I couldn't help but feel lost. Once again, I have no home to go to, no place to be and not much to look forward to. As I sit here thinking about what I no longer have, I also realize that there is something I was going to have to add to my list. I am now going to be alone as I want to release Sebastian from our contract.
This memorial service marks the end of my transition from my old life into my new one and I am ready to do it alone.
At the end of the memorial, I stand aside in the shadows and watch the people from my past approach and console Sebastian, my ever-dutiful butler. He is brilliant, quite the actor, I must say. He feigns sadness better than the actual mourners as each of them come over to pay their respects. I overhear someone actually offer him a job – to which he politely declines. Every once and a while, I see him look over towards me – was he checking up on me? Making sure I was alright? What a ridiculous notion.
Undertaker, who had stayed beside me throughout the whole service, giggles quietly to himself as he watches the servants openly weep and hug him tightly.
"They were always like this, even when I wasn't dead." I snort as Agni pulls yet another person off of Sebastian.
"Well, I must be off – I put this whole shindig together for your Aunt you know. Now I have to take it down and over to your empty grave."
"Can I see it?"
"Your grave?"
"Yes."
"Fufufu, how morbidly maudlin. Unfortunately not, you see it's at the former Phantomhive manor and you're supposed to be dead."
Ah, yes that's right – I'm supposed to be dead now.
"America?"
"Yes."
"Why can't just I stay in London?" I pout, lying down on my bed, flat out on my back. I cover my face with my pillow as, on occasion; I still like to behave like a child.
"Because my lord, you have died now – what if you were still around and possibly spotted then what would all of this have been for?"
"Fine but why not some place in Europe? Like Paris?" I suggest – well, I do speak French; it seems like the most natural place to be.
Sebastian leans over me and pulls the pillow from me. I can see his smile, bright and exuberant, he already has a place in mind.
"I heard there is a place in America that is full of sin and debauchery, I think that would be a perfect place for us to start anew." I sit up instantly.
"Us?"
"Of course, you don't think that I would let you do this on your own do you?"
"Well, yes." I pause for a moment. "Sebastian, don't you think it's time that I release you? You have upheld your end of our contract and I can now live successfully without you."
"I don't think you're ready yet." He has said this so many times to me over the last few months I feel like it's starting to lose it's meaning.
"If it's about your sense of responsibility for me being in this state-"
"Is that what you think?" He seems almost offended. I can feel him staring at me but I don't want to look at him. This whole situation was confusing to say the least.
"Isn't it why you're still here?"
"No." He sighed.
"Then what is it? You have done nothing but torture and torment me from the moment I turned and I'm now saying that you're free to leave me. You are free Sebastian – I release you from our contract." I try to reiterate as firmly as I can.
Sebastian simply stands and walks towards the middle of the room and suddenly stops.
"Hm. You must not mean it." He said resolutely.
"What do you mean? Of course I do."
He smirks wryly as he starts to take off his gloves. I watch him as he does this, pulling them off of his long slender fingers and looking at the back of his left hand. Holding it up, he reveals that our contract is still intact. "If you want me to be free, you have to mean it." He says solemnly.
Walking towards the door, he halts for a moment, "I will make all of the necessary arrangements and we can set sail for New Orleans tomorrow." He drums the fingers of his left hand on the doorframe as he leaves the room. I watch him leave, my eyes never deviating from the door.
I thought I did mean it.