The warm water surrounds me as I lay back in the bathtub.
Cupping my hands together under the surface, I bring them up to my face, splashing it with the warm water. Leaning back, I scoot myself down to sink further into the warmth and let my whole body relax. For the first time in a long time I feel calm, my mind is empty and I welcome it, relishing the relative quiet. At the moment, all I hear is the sound of the water hitting the sides of the porcelain with each move I make. I can also hear Sebastian milling about in my room next door, readying an outfit for me to wear when we go out tonight. I listen to his footsteps as they pace back and forth, probably flitting between the wardrobe and dresser in order to coordinate something appropriate for this evenings outing.
He is insisting that we go to this saloon he's found but he's barely given me any further information about it. All he has said is that it's a place that may be of interest to me. I'm not all that bothered in leaving the house tonight but his excitement at the prospect of sharing this place with me has peaked my curiosity. Sebastian is very rarely interested in anything of late - a fact which swayed my decision to go. I don't know how I have gotten into the habit of pleasing his whims but in this moment, I can't seem to help myself, if it will make him happy for me to go, then I shall go.
I have decided to stay with him now, not just because I am scared of what would happen to me if I were to leave but because I want to, I feel it so strongly now, this warped love I have for him. He is a part of me, within me, and we are bound together. There is one thing I have come to realize, even though I am his captive, his prey, Sebastian is still my protector. This is the very nature of our relationship and it always has been.
I am bonded to him in ways I never imagined I could be, never thought that I would be but here we are. Involuntarily closing my eyes, I can feel the right one start to burn. There is no need to see it; I know that the mark of our contract is still blazed in my eye. It's been a while since I've seen it but I know that it's there, tying me to him.
I wonder, do you love me Sebastian, I mean really love me or is it just ownership? Do you love me as I love you? Although, I barely know what it is myself.
The only love I knew when I was alive was the love of my family but I cannot really remember what that felt like now. I never knew romantic love or at least I don't think I did. Elizabeth loved me but I never felt the same, my heart didn't flutter, she never occupied my mind, not like he does. I know that I belong to Sebastian and that is something I don't care to change, at least not any time soon. I don't want out, I don't want to leave, I just want him to consume me, and to destroy me as promised.
I've made a mistake Marie, one of many; I'm in too deep, just as you said I'd be.
You knew, you always knew how this would be for me and you tried to tell me, you tried to warn me and I didn't listen. I just let myself fall for him, give in to him and now, I want nothing more than to be near him. Have him on me, kiss me, to touch me and be in me. You saw this as my fate but what else did you see?
Leaning further back into the water, my mind drifts over to past conversations and the words she said to me. I remember Marie once said that there is a darkness within me, I never knew what she meant until I woke to find her lifeless body on my lap. Is that what lies beneath me? Is that what she was trying to warn me about?
It's a horrifying prospect to know that eventually there will be no humanity left in me; it will be like the water I sit in and eventually it will drain away. I can feel it slipping further through my fingers but I grip the strands as tightly as I can, too scared to let them go. Once I do, I will finally lose myself, I will become like him and that is something I cannot bear.
My chest is heavy at that thought; I feel as though I'm sinking. I do not want this; I do not want to be a demon.
Sighing out loud, I feel it, the water going over my head as I start to slide under until my head is fully submerged.
I wanted nothing more than for Sebastian to take my soul and in a way, I feel betrayed. At first I thought that it was Sebastian who suffered more when I became a demon but I see now that it's me. I was once human and now I am not. No matter how dead I longed to be then, I now want nothing more than to be alive, to feel breath in my lungs, to have a beating heart, to feel human.
I still have remnants of my humanity, it's thin but it's there. It comes in waves and is mostly filled with feelings of guilt. The guilt of the souls I've taken weighs on me daily, and sometimes I want it to disappear, other times I hope the guilt never leaves me. It's all I have left of my former life and I don't want to let it go. I do not want the darkness to consume me. Do you hear me Marie? Of all the mistakes I have made, this will not one of them. I will hold on as long as I can to this last piece of me.
I open my eyes to see Sebastian hovering over me, his hands on the sides of the bathtub as he leans over. He smiles as he bends further down, his lips almost touching the surface and I start to come up. As I rise, he moves back, allowing some space between us.
"Are you trying to drown yourself, my lord?" He wonders as I sit up.
"No, I was just thinking and I guess I must have slipped under."
"What was it that had your mind so preoccupied?"
"I was remembering what it was like to be human." I sigh, wiping my eyes.
"Why would you think about that?"
"Why not?"
"Because it's best not to linger on a life that you cannot get back." He pauses for a moment, his eyes travel to the side, as he seems to be thinking about something and then he smiles. "Wasn't it you who once told me that once something is truly lost, it will never return?" He finishes, pulling over a nearby stool to sit behind me.
"I did say that." I agree, leaning back against the porcelain curve of the bathtub. "But this is something I haven't fully lost yet."
"How you have managed to hold on to your humanity for so long, is something I cannot seem to understand but it will soon go in time."
My head turns towards him. "What if I don't want it to go?"
Sebastian starts to roll up his sleeves past his elbows and pins them in place.
"How long do you think you will be able to keep it?" He asks me casually.
"I will hold on as long as I can."
Bending over, he rests his elbow on his upper thigh as he looks at me.
"And how long is that? Instinct will take over soon enough and we will then see the devil inside you."
"The devil inside me?"
"It's what I saw in you the first moment we met, it wasn't just the anger and hatred that festered within you it was more than that. It was so beautiful, so potent; I couldn't resist you, not even then."
"You couldn't resist me?" I utter softly as I turn my head back around, drawing my knees up to my chest.
"From the moment that sacrifice was made, I knew it was you that I wanted to seek."
This devil inside of me, is it the darkness Marie spoke of? Ever since she told me, I have been trying to understand what she meant by it but I couldn't figure it out. Sebastian knows me, he knows almost everything about me and he has the ability to see right through me. He must see it too. Does he know what it is? The darkness Marie saw, does he know what's lurking beneath?
I wish you were here Marie. You would help me. I have no one now; I'm all alone but...
'You're never alone.' Alice reminds me tenderly.
No, I'm never alone.
"I suppose it's only natural for you to think about your past life from time to time." Sebastian interrupts my thoughts.
"Hm?"
"I said that it's natural for you to miss your past life." He repeats.
"Is it?"
"You were human; you must miss it from time to time."
"I guess I do." I suppose, as he begins to massage the side of my neck and shoulders. I start to relax under his touch and my mind again starts to wander. I know Sebastian has never been human but does he think of a time before me? I never asked about who he was before we met, I never cared to know but now, I'm interested. "Do you ever reflect on previous contracts?"
"No, they never bear thinking about. They served a purpose and nothing more, some of them were measly at that." He finishes. I shiver at just how cold he is as I reflect on his words.
"How can you say that?"
"Quite easily." Placing his hands on the side of my head, he pulls me back so that I am looking up at him. Glowing eyes lower, focusing on mine; his firm grip keeps my head perfectly still. "Humans are creatures that fascinate me but it was nothing more than just that. My fascination never warranted affection or kindness."
"But you were kind to me when I was alive."
Using the back of his hand, he gently strokes the side of my cheek as he shrugs.
"I was kind to you when you were alive as per our contract; it suited my needs at the time. Do not mistake me, you were nothing more than a meal to me, something delicious that I could sink my teeth into and I must admit, I was starving."
His words pierce me.
I never entertained any thought of Sebastian having any actual affection for me other than the confines of his position. His behavior always lulled me into a false sense of security, like I could control him but actually; Sebastian was the one wielding the power.
"So you were protecting your interest." I conclude. Lifting my head off his knees, he pushes me forwards slightly. Bending over, he picks up a small green bottle of oil and pours a little into his hands.
"I suppose I was." He agrees as he rubs his hands together. The oil makes his black nails glisten like polished obsidian as he works it into my skin. Taking a deep breath, I let the sweet smell of lavender permeate my nostrils and feeling his hands go down my spine, my body shudders under his touch.
He is so gentle with me, even now. His hands caress my skin with such graceful care, as though the slightest bit of pressure would bruise me. Sebastian has always been this way with me, I never took any notice of it but then again, I would imagine that it is all part of his aesthetics; he was only doing what was required of a butler. His hands make their way over my neck and shoulders as I lean back, resting my arms on the sides of the bathtub.
My whole body feels at ease and relaxed as Sebastian continues to massage the oil into my skin.
"What am I to you now?" I wonder aloud, letting the words pour from my lips before I could stop them.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean now that I am no longer a meal for you, what am I to you?"
Sebastian stops for a moment, thinking to himself, and then after a while, he picks up a small cloth from the side, dipping it into the water.
"Now?" He begins as he draws the cloth over my oiled skin slowly. "I've grown quite fond of you and I enjoy your company, even though you can still be as difficult as you ever were." He finishes.
"Is that all?" I ask, turning my head over my shoulder to look at him. He smiles at me, his hand gently guides my face forwards. He runs the cloth down my neck and remains quiet, much to my frustration, I hate when he avoids my questions. "Well?" I almost snap.
Sebastian stops washing me and leans over onto his knees.
"My dear master, what would you like me to say?"
I roll my eyes. "Nothing, never mind."
"Then what would appease you?" He coos.
"Nothing." I exhale. Two arms reach out over my shoulders and drape themselves across my front as he rests his chest on my back. His lips graze past my ear and I shiver as his breath breezes over my wet skin.
"Would you like me to tell you that I'm still with you because I love you?" He purrs sweetly.
"No, of course not." I huff, wiggling to try and free myself from him but to no avail.
"Why ever not? It's true, I love you Ciel. I love you in the only way I know how. I was once yours by nature of our contract but now you belong to me."
"I belong to you? Like a possession?"
"Only if you wish to see it that way."
"What do you see it as?"
"I see it that we belong to each other. I belong to you because our contract in still in place but you, well, you are mine and mine alone." He kisses the back of my head affectionately as he lets me go, putting his hand back under the water to remoisten the cloth.
There is still one more question that I have always wondered about but never wished to ask, I'm not sure if I really want to hear the answer, however it comes out. Drawing in a deep intake of breath to gather some courage, I decide to ask.
"Did you…" I stop, quickly losing my nerve.
"Did I what?" He wonders. Sighing and shaking my head, I drum my fingers along the edge of the bathtub frustrated with myself for stopping.
"Did you… Did you ever love anyone, aside from me?"
Dropping the cloth, Sebastian grabs the sides of my face, bringing it back down to his knees again. My eyes look at him imploringly as he looks down at me with a stern and serious face.
"No. I have never loved anyone before you." He states frankly.
"Why are you so serious?"
"Because I want you to know that I do not care for anyone. Emotions are not anything that I chose to feel. I am a demon Ciel, as are you, something you seem to forget. We are not creatures of niceties, loyalty or romantic love, we are simply beings bound by our aesthetics." Letting go of my face, I rest my head on the back of his knees as I stay still. Sebastian looks at me with a wry smile as he leans forward hovering over me. "I am cruel, but then again, I have always been cruel. I am unfeeling and uncaring towards the things that I wish not to bother about but you are different. You fascinate more than any other human I have ever met. I watched you, your actions, how you were with others and your whole demeanor, you were different than the others, perfect."
"Perfect?"
"You may not know it, my lord, but from the moment I laid eyes on you, I saw your potential and I wanted to make it mine."
"Well now you have it."
"Not quite."
"What do you mean?"
He leans over and touches my lips gently.
"When will you let me have all of you?" He whispers with his lips still on mine. Turning my head to the side, I move away from him and he sits up.
"You do have all of me, every part of me is yours."
"No, I don't and no, it's not."
"Then what is it? What more could you possibly want from me."
"Give me your darkness."
"My darkness?"
"That's the last part of you that you refuse to give me."
How does he know what it is if I don't? How does he see it?
"Take it, it's yours."
"How can I have what you are unwilling to give?"
"I don't know Sebastian but it is as you say, you own me, and I am nothing but yours. All that I am, everything." I state almost as though I am resigned to this fate. I knew, I always knew, that I belonged to you. Whether I was your meal at the end of the contract or the lover in your bed, I was marked for you, bound to you. It was always to be my fate.
"Is that all?" He smirks.
"My dear Sebastian, what would you like me to say?" I snort, using his rhetoric against him.
"You know what I would like you to say."
"I've already said it."
"Say it again; I will never tire of hearing it."
Sighing heavily, I keep my head forward, unwilling to look over at him.
"I love you, Sebastian." I utter, despite my better judgment. I hate giving into him so easily.
"Now was that so hard?"
"Harder than you can ever imagine."
"Why is that?"
Wrapping my arms around my knees, I rest my chin on them.
"Because, it is. Because I love you so much that I hate you. I hate everything about you and yet, I'm drawn to you and I know that I can't be without you. It's maddening. I'm going mad and it's because of you." I confess, burying my face into gap between my knees.
Two horns on the same goat, isn't that right Marie?
Saying nothing, he stands up from his stool and goes over to a shelf along the wall to collect a towel. Taking it by the edges, he shakes it out of its folds and holds it open for me. Using his arm as a brace, I get up out of the bathtub and he wraps it around me tightly. Stepping into me, Sebastian embraces me, holding me in his arms.
"Love is maddening, my lord, I have told you this many times before. It is destructive and consuming."
"Then consume me." I whisper. Placing his hand under my chin, he tilts it upwards and smiles at me.
"I will."
"Will you also destroy me?"
"Only if you want me to."
Marie said that he will destroy me but I did not know that this was my choice. Do I want him to? I feel like I am not so sure anymore. What I want and what I feel, these things are no longer my own. What do I do Marie? I'm in far too deep.
...
It's nighttime and that's when this town comes alive.
The cool night air hits my face as I lift up the collar of my coat, wrapping it tightly around my chest to button it.
We meander down the crowded streets of the French Quarter, with Sebastian leading the way. We go slowly enough for me to take in all the sights of the place that I love so much. I've lived here for so long that every street corner and cobblestone is memorized and yet I still can't help but be enamored. The large pastel wooden buildings with dark timber shingle overhangs, they cover the pavements right up to the edge of the streets.
Royal blue flags, with silver fleur de lis embroidered on to them, hang from the lit gas lampposts and sway gently in the night air.
We weave in and out of people, as they seem to be everywhere.
Some promenade with their sweethearts in tow, walking and chatting amongst themselves, whilst others make their way into the nearby brasseries or saloons to drink and to dance the night away. We seem to be following the tourists and couples looking for a little adventure, as we turn left down the street towards the red light district of Storyville.
Going down the brightly lit streets lined with brothels, I watch as women in short dresses peddle for patrons to enter their establishments. Men follow along when beckoned by them, lured like strings are pulling them into each place.
Sebastian grabs my hand as he tugs me along at a faster pace, turning sharply down a secluded alleyway, dragging me along. I don't ask any questions as he leads me down the darkened pathway. In the distance, there is a shining light, which seems to be where we are headed to; it's a lit red painted single lantern that is hanging next to a shiny black lacquered door.
We stop in front of it and I look over to Sebastian curiously.
"What is this place?" I finally inquire.
"It's the saloon." He smirks. My eyes scan the door, there seems to be something engraved on it but I don't recognize the characters.
"What kind of place is this?"
"It's a place for creatures like us."
"What do you mean? A place for demons?"
"Not exactly."
"Will you stop being coy and just tell me." I huff.
"This is a place where lovers of the occult come to meet like-minded individuals. They talk about witchcraft and voodoo, and some pontificate on how to correctly summon a demon, if you can imagine...!"
"Why would they discuss that?"
"Because some people, young master, are not afraid of the dark."
"I am not afraid of the dark." I snap.
"Then why do you choose to still hold on to your humanity?" He lowers his eyes, glaring at me.
"What does that have to do with being afraid of the dark? I made a contract with you didn't I?"
"You were desperate then, I'm not sure if you fully understood what it all really entailed."
"I did, I knew what I was asking of you when we made our contract."
He looks at me curiously as he shrugs a shoulder with a slight smirk.
"Perhaps you did. In any case, you hold on to your humanity because you are scared of what you may become and that makes you afraid of the dark." He smiles as he leans over towards me. I pout at his statement but I know he's right.
"It's not that I'm afraid, Sebastian, I just don't want to be you."
"Why ever not?" He chuckles as he strokes the side of my face. "You will eventually become me, it may not be now or tomorrow but it will be soon, then we will see your darkness, what it is you try to hide."
I move my face from him but I stand still.
"I'm not hiding anything."
"Yes, you are but it doesn't matter, at least not right now."
"What if I don't want to give into it?"
Sebastians' eyes glance over towards the door and he slyly smiles to himself, as though he has just remembered a punch line to a joke that only he understands.
"I don't think that will be an issue for much longer." He replies. I fold my arms around my chest as I stand in front of him.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Nothing, I just think that I'll get what I want sooner rather than later." He surmises as he wraps his hand around the handle and gives it a pull, "Shall we go in?" He asks, holding the door open. I nod and he motions for me to go inside.
As soon as I step in, I turn my head from side to side to take it all in, the first thing I notice is that the inside is dark and filled with plumes of cigarette smoke. Ebony wooden panels line the walls and flooring which leads to a matching bar at the back. It's dim in here; thin white candles align the walls whilst a large black gas lit crystal chandler hangs from the middle of the ceiling, picking up the slack. There is a small stage along the side where a brass quartet is belting out a very maudlin song, almost unenthusiastically.
At tables, men sit fully engrossed in their conversations, whilst woman wait at the sides to be approached. This isn't what I thought it would be but then again, I am not sure exactly what it is I was expecting.
Sliding his hand down to my lower back, Sebastian guides me towards the bar as we walk towards the center of the room. Stopping, he bends over and kisses my ear lightly. I can hear a low grumble from his chest; he must have seen something that intrigued him.
"Those two." Sebastian growls in my ear. My eyes follow the direction of his head, and they land on two women sitting at a small round table at the back. A blonde and brunette, both dressed elegantly in figure hugging high necked, beaded black dresses, with large feathered hats that adorn their heads.
Going over to them, they immediately stop talking, tilting their head slightly as they regard us, waiting for one of us to speak. Sebastian takes the lead, smiling politely as he places his hand on his chest and bows slightly.
"Good evening ladies. It appears that all of the tables are taken, may we join you?" His languid words drip off of his tongue like honey. Their eyes flutter as they bat slowly, both turning their heads to each other and coquettishly giggling as they nod, allowing us to sit with them.
"My name is Sebastian and this is Ciel." He introduces us.
The women look at each other and the one with dark brown hair smiles as she holds her hand towards her blonde companion.
"This is Cecile." She says with her Cajun accent laid on nice and thick.
"Pleased to meet you." Cecile smiles as she extends her hand out and Sebastian takes it, pressing his lips to her knuckles tenderly, causing her already rosy cheeks to rouge.
"And I am Rosalind but everyone round here calls me Rose." Rose finishes as she holds her hand out to me.
"Then we shall call you Rose and what a becoming resemblance to the flower you are." I smile, taking my cue from Sebastian, I touch my lips to her fingers and she playfully fans herself with her free hand.
"And what brings you gentlemen here? This isn't a place that is so easily found." She asks.
"We heard that this establishment is full of like minded people." Sebastian answers.
"Like minded as in?"
"Well, Ciel has taken an interest in voodoo, I for one think it's all silly but try telling him that." He smirks as his eyes look over to me. I'm fuming at his comment but I maintain my composure.
"Voodoo isn't silly, it actually works." Rose states.
"I have yet to see any proof of it but Ciel believes in it, so I thought that I should try to as well."
"Oh you should, you really should." She agrees. "You have definitely come to the right place then."
"He even knew the late Marie Leveau."
"Did you? Mon dieu! She died tragically, didn't she? Never caught her killer."
"No, they didn't." Sebastian shakes his head. Just what is he trying to do to me? He eyes me again and my mouth drops open to say something but Sebastian continues. "In any case, what were you ladies discussing before we so rudely interrupted you?"
"You are not being rude cheri." Rose insists.
"Well thank you, that is very kind of you to say."
"We were just discussing the murder of Mary-Anne Le Bon, have you heard about it, it was all over the newspapers." Cecile chimes in.
"Murder? What a gruesome thing." Sebastian smiles, it's not genuine nor is it forced as he leans in to listen to their gossip.
"Oh it was positively horrific but she wasn't murdered." Rose almost enthuses.
"Wasn't she?"
She shakes her head, "Non, she belonged to a group that worshipped the devil."
"Oh?" Sebastian smirks.
"Well, apparently, she was a sacrifice in order to summon a demon."
"I wonder how that works?" He asks, of course knowing full well how to summon a creature like us. They carry on but I no longer wish to listen, I can feel myself getting angry as I ball my hands into fists, holding them tightly on my lap. I half-heartedly pay attention to their conversation as they talk about sacrifices and witchcraft. Sebastian carries the conversation as though it is the most natural thing to talk about.
His words are slow and measured, each one delivered with a low guttural growl that vibrates right through me. I can feel the effect his voice is having on me, as they surely must do. His charm is effortless and easy as his appeal is one of elegance and grace. Sebastian is so good at this that these women fall for him instantly, their body language responds as though he is a snake charmer. They lean forward touching his arm and shoulder as he purrs every sentence. They giggle and sway to the beat of the music playing in a bid to entice him but, little do they know, they are the ones under his control.
I almost pity them for being so easily enthralled. They came to seek the devil and they are blissfully unaware that he is here before them, coaxing them and drawing them in.
Completely tuning them out, I eavesdrop on all of the other conversations and sure enough, they are things of an occult nature. Some talk about the next solstice, some of the meeting of various voodoo priests and priestesses from all over Louisiana. Various practices were discussed, especially those concerning black magic. Marie once told me that not all magic is good and I realize that this is what she meant.
I wonder if these people are like those who kidnapped me and set me up as sacrifice? They want the same things as those people did, riches beyond their wildest dreams, power, fame and eternal youth. Before Sebastian destroyed them, I should have asked if it was worth it, taking all of our lives. They used me, and the others, to call upon a demon for selfish reasons. This is something I'll never understand.
As I sit here, I feel myself getting incredibly furious. Why would Sebastian bring me to this place? He must have known that it's full of people like them, like the ones who soiled me, people I would soon rather annihilate. Was that the point? To make me angry, to awaken my bloodlust? He knew what he was doing when he brought me here.
"To torment you."
No Alice, to teach me.
"To teach you what?"
A lesson.
Sebastian says that he doesn't have all of me, he wants the darkness within me and I haven't given it to him yet. I haven't given it to him because I don't know what it is.
"Haven't you figured it out yet?" Alois asks me nonchalantly, almost knowingly.
Figure what out?
"The darkness within you. Don't you know what it is yet? What Sebastian wants from you?"
No, I don't and I don't wish to find out. As long as I can hold on to my humanity, I will never let the darkness take hold of me.
He knows what this place will do to me, what I would think and yet he still brought me here. Yes, Sebastian can see straight through me. Is this my darkness, this past I'm constantly haunted by? Is he trying to get me to lose myself here, it would make sense, to further my revenge on these people who would do better than to not exist. Is this what he wants from me, to lose control?
"Young master, you're quite quiet this evening, is anything the matter?" He whispers, leaning over towards me. Blinking to regain my focus, I remember where I am.
"Yes, yes everything is fine." I answer back.
"Well then, shall we get these ladies a drink?" He asks, raising his voice so they can hear him.
"I'll get them." I offer, standing to my feet. "What are you ladies having?" I smile, causing them to blush.
"Two amaretto sours please." Cecile requests.
"Very well and Sebastian?"
"Bourbon, on the rocks."
"Then I shall be back." I dismiss myself from the table.
Running a hand through my hair, I take in a deep breath to try and calm myself down. If Sebastian is trying to wake my bloodlust, it's worked and I need to hold myself together, I cannot lose what's left of me in this place.
Getting to the bar, I look around for the bartender but he isn't here. Leaning against the counter top, I rest my head in the palm of my hands, rubbing my eyes and exhaling slowly as I steady myself.
"Well, well, fancy meeting you here?" A familiar voice chuckles beside me.
Raising my head from my hands, I hesitate before I turn. The tone is jovial and familiar and I know exactly whose voice this is. Standing upright, I slowly turn my head to the side to face him.
"Hello again, Undertaker."