Narrator: And so, the Dursley's spent the next ten years happily neglecting two children in completely different ways. Dudley became a stupid, fat moron…
Petunia: HEY! That's no way to talk about my Duddykins on his birthday, you unseen blithering twatwaffle.
*electrocution sounds*
Narrator: And that's no way to talk to a creature that for all you know could be omnipotent. Anyway, Dudley became a moron, and Harry became an emotionally and physically abused orphan. Or, because this is a work of fiction, an orphan. Anyway, the next part of our story takes place on fatso's birthday…
Dudley: Mummy? What's a fatso, and am I one?
Petunia: *still smoking after her electrocution* Mummy feels a bit too crispy to answer right now.
Vernon: Speaking of which, HARRY! Get your ass in here and make us some bacon.
Harry: *enters. Sees Petunia* I think the narrator already made some.
Vernon: HEY! No-one eats my wife but me.
Petunia: Honey, we shouldn't traumatise our baby with how we made him on his birthday.
Vernon: Why? He was there when he was made.
Dudley: Mummy? Where are my presents?
Petunia: Why, sweetie pumpkin, we gave you life.
Vernon: And also those *points out giant pile of presents*
Dudley: How many are there?
Vernon: Thirty seven.
Dudley: Is that a bigger or smaller number than the thirty eight from last year?
Harry: Sma…
Vernon: Bigger *through clenched teeth at Harry* If you dare make him throw a tantrum I'll make sure you feel the full force of it.
Harry: How exactly? He knows I didn't have any input into purchasing the presents.
Vernon: But he doesn't know that he knows that.
Harry: He also doesn't know that magic isn't real.
Vernon: *eye twitch* True, true.
Harry: What was that?
Vernon: What was what?
Harry: Your eye twitched.
Vernon: Oh, hey look, Dudley's friend Piers is here. We'll continue this conversation never.
Piers: WASSUP?!
*everyone stares blankly at Piers*
Harry: I am so glad you won't be appearing after this chapter.
Petunia: Alright, everyone in the car. We need to drop Harry off at Mrs. Figg's house.
*later, at Mrs. Figg's house*
Vernon: Where is that woman? I've rung the doorbell like five times.
*door opens to an enraged Mrs. Figg on crutches*
Mrs. Figg: WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU oh hi Vernon.
Vernon: What happened to you?
Mrs. Figg: Oh, I tripped over Mittens the twenty-third.
Harry: I thought you were up to number twenty-seven?
Mrs. Figg: Oh I am, but the first twenty six are just so tired lately. They hardly ever move from their spot. I keep feeding the first fifteen but they keep wasting away.
Vernon: Okay…well, can you look after Harry until we get back from the zoo?
Mrs. Figg: Are you kidding? I'm an old lady with a broken leg. I'm practically helpless. All I need is for one of my cats to die and I'll be a complete emotional wreck.
Harry: Remind me again, when was the first Mittens born?
Mrs. Figg: He'll be fifty four next Tuesday.
Harry: Right…you're crazy.
Vernon: Why do you think we leave you with her? Now, about leaving Harry here…
Mrs. Figg: Sorry, can't help you. I need to see if Mittens the twenty-fifth has returned after all these years *closes door*
Harry: So, I guess you'll have to take me with you.
Vernon: Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you?
Harry: Well, since I'd be spending the day with you, no.
Vernon: Oh, so now you think you're too good to go to the zoo?
Harry: Well, no, but…
Vernon: Exactly, you are nothing but dust beneath my feet. Now, you are going to come to the zoo, and have a wonderful time.
Harry: Umm…okay?
*in zoo reptile house*
Dudley: Daddy, make the snake move.
*Vernon bangs on the glass*
Dudley: Harder.
*Vernon bangs on the glass again*
Dudley: HARDER!
Vernon: I'm banging as hard as I can child.
Harry (thoughts): Don'ttakeitoutofcontextdon'ttakeitoutofcontextdon'ttakeitoutofcontextdon'ttakeitoutofcontextdon'ttakeitoutofcontextdon'ttakeitoutofcontextdon'ttakeitoutofcontextdon'ttakeitoutofcontextdon'ttakeitoutofcontextdon'ttakeitoutofcontext.
Piers: The snake's broken. Tell them to get a new one.
Vernon: Will do *leaves*
Harry: Sorry about them.
Snake: That'ssssssssss okay.
Harry: And the snake's talking back to me. Just like that, I learn how much ten years of neglect and abuse have fucked me up.
Dudley: *coming back* DADDY! Harry fixed the snake.
Vernon: Huh? Maybe he is good for something after all.
*glass vanishes, Dudley and Piers fall in*
Vernon: Or maybe not.
Snake: Ssssssssssweet, I'm free. Now to ssssssssssee if I can find my old masssssssssster.
Harry: Your sign says you were bred in captivity.
Snake: Captivity of a dark lord issssssssss sssssssssstill captivity.
Harry: What?
Snake: Gotta go *slithers away*
Vernon: YOU! HOME! CLOSET! NOW!
Harry: So, the thing that happened that can't be explained by science is somehow the fault of a ten year old kid without even touching anything?
Vernon: Yes, exactly.
Harry: Well, at least we know where Dudley gets it.
*Vernon smacks Harry over the back of the head*