*door crashes onto the floor*
Hagrid: Yeh shoulda let me in when aye asked.
Vernon: Sir, I demand that you leave. You are breaking and entering.
Hagrid: And who's gonna arrest meh? The police? Your puny muggle handcuffs couldn't even get around me pinkie.
Vernon: *lifting a rifle* Oh yeah? Well we'll see if you still so high any mighty with a few rounds in you *fires several shots, which do nothing*
Hagrid: Oh for Christ sake, give me that *takes gun from Vernon, bends it around until it's in the shape of a balloon animal* 'appy birthday 'arry. It's a pig, just like your cousin.
Petunia: Dudley is not a pig.
Hagrid: Oh, he will be.
Harry: Okay, given that you know my name AND my birthday, would it be safe to assume you're the stalker sending me all those letters?
Hagrid: Weeell, not quite. I'm just the messenger *hands Harry a letter*
Harry: I didn't know stalkers outsourced these days.
Vernon: You better not read that you little shit.
Hagrid: And why not? It's not like it'll tell him about anything he doesn't already know.
Vernon: *eye twitch* Yes…of course not.
Hagrid: Did his eye just twitch?
Harry: It's been doing that a lot lately, as though he's trying to hide some really important truth from me.
Vernon: *eye twitching rapidly* I have nothing to hide.
Harry: Then you won't object to me reading this letter.
Vernon: *eye still twitching* NO! It'll…uh…be boring?
Harry: I have sat in a dark closet for two weeks straight before. I'm pretty sure the one and only letter that has ever been sent to me will be significantly more interesting.
Vernon: GODDAMMIT DON'T READ THAT FU…
*Hagrid smacks him*
Hagrid: Next time I'll put some force behind it.
Vernon: I think my left eye is where my right eye should be and my right eye is where my left eye should be.
Harry: Okay, seriously? This letter is address to the spot on the floor I was sleeping. How the hell could you possibly know that prior to getting here?
Hagrid: Messenger.
Harry: Right, whatever. *begins reading letter* "Dear Mr. Potter, We are pleased to inform you that you have a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." The fuck is this shit?
Hagrid: Ye know, 'cuz you're a wizard 'arry.
Harry: I'm a what?
Hagrid: Ye know, how ye mum and dad died tryin' ta protect ye from You Know Who?
Harry: They what?
Hagrid: Ye know, how for some reason You Know Who tried ta kill ye but couldn't, even though he coulda just thrown ye out the window?
Harry: Say WHAT?!
Hagrid: Jeez boy, are ye that daft?
Harry: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise this wasn't the appropriate reaction to finding out I'm a God damn WIZARD and my parents are dead because of someone I apparently killed as a child.
Hagrid: How could ye not know alla this? Yer uncle and aunt explained it all didn't they? *turns and glares at Petunia and Vernon* Didn't ye?
Petunia: We…uh…might have forgot to mention it.
Hagrid: Oh really?
Vernon: Hey, come on, we've been busy.
Hagrid: For ten years?
Vernon: …Yes.
Hagrid: Jeez, I knew ye Muggles were daft, but this is ridiculous. Well, I better start fixing the problems you created.
Petunia: Hey, come on, we tried.
Hagrid: You tried?
Vernon: Yeah, from the moment you left him on our doorstep, we tried to stamp out all this magic nonsense.
Hagrid: And aye thought those "Pray Away the Gay" guys were douchebags. Well, aye better let Professor Dumbledore know ye'll be going to 'ogwarts.
Vernon: I refuse to let some crackpot old fool teach him magic tricks.
*Hagrid glares at him for a moment, then points his umbrella at Dudley. There's a flash of violet light, and suddenly Dudley has a pigtail*
Harry: I assume no-one allowed to talk that way about this Dumbledore guy?
Hagrid: Actually, what he said was true. I just felt like doing that. Now, where's that…ah, here it is *pulls out an owl*
Harry: Has…has that been sitting in your pocket this whole time?
Hagrid: Hey, I only sat on 'im twice *throws owl out into the rain*
Harry: Shouldn't you have given it a message first?
Hagrid: Oh, right *chases owl into the rain*