Narrator: And so, after being abandoned at the train station by Hagrid, with no-one at home to pick him up, Harry miraculously got home perfectly fine. Seriously, this happened, and the scholars at Harry Potter Wiki missed this. Anyway, for the next month the Dursleys ignored Harry slightly more than usual, which amazingly is an improvement.
*in the kitchen*
Vernon: *pulling out the chair Harry's sitting in* Oh good, an empty spot *sits down*
Harry: I know you hate me, but did you really have to be my first lap dance?
Narrator: During this time, Harry bonded with his new owl, whom he named Hedwig .
*Hedwig flies in through the window, carrying a dead mouse*
Harry: Seriously Hedwig, another dead mouse? Why do you keep bringing me these? You know I don't eat them. God, I thought owls were supposed to be wise.
Narrator: But finally, the eve of Harry's big adventure arrived.
*living room, the Dursleys are watching TV when Harry walks in*
Harry: Hey, uh, would you mind giving me a lift to King's Cross Station tomorrow?
Vernon: Why?
Harry: So I can get to school.
Vernon: But why would we go all the way to London to get you to Stonewall?
Harry: I was referring to Hogwarts.
Vernon: But it's your dream to go to Stonewall.
Harry: No, that's your dream.
Vernon: Under my roof, you have my dreams.
Harry: You know, I can always get Hagrid back here to take care of you.
Vernon: Oh, Harry, you need a lift to the station? What platform is it?
Harry: Err *checks ticket* Nine and three quarters.
*Dursleys stare at him for a moment*
Vernon: Petunia, is that where Lily went when going to Warthogs?
Harry: Hogwarts.
Petunia: Why the hell should I care?
Vernon: You know what? We're going into London tomorrow to get Dudley's pigtail removed. Seriously, a boy with that hairstyle looks ridiculous. We'll pick you up when we're done.
Harry: What are you talking about? Clearly it exists, otherwise they wouldn't have put it on the ticket.
*the next day at King's Cross station*
Harry: Well, here I am at King's Cross, which looks suspiciously like Euston train station. Just standing here between platforms nine and ten, which is a bad idea because there's not actually a platform here, I'm actually on the tracks. Seriously, it's like that woman didn't do any freaking research on this thing. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Red haired woman: Alright kids, off to Hogwarts you go.
Harry: Well, that was easy.
Molly: Percy, you first.
*Harry watches Percy run at a wall, then disappear*
Harry: Alright, I'm assuming whatever Hagrid gave me has worn off by now, so the only logical conclusion is that the station is held up by a holographic pillar. This is far from comforting.
Molly: Alright Fred, you're next.
Fred: But I'm George.
Molly: You'll be a corpse if you don't start moving.
Fred: Pfft, like that's gonna happen in this series *runs through wall, followed by George*
Harry: Excuse me, how the hell are they doing that?
Molly: Silly child, that's a magic portal.
Harry: Of course it is. Can I try?
Molly: Sure, you can go ahead of Ron.
Ron: Hey!
Harry: Alright, here goes.
Ginny: Hail Satan.
Harry: Say WHAT?!
Molly: Off you go *pushes Harry through the wall*
*Harry emerges on Platform 9 ¾*
Harry: Okay, that just happened. I'm just going to get on the train and pretend that didn't happen. It's not like I'll ever see them again.
George: Hey, kid who was stalking us on the platform. Need a hand with your luggage?
Harry: Except for now...and every day I'm at school this year.
Fred: Don't worry, we won't hurt you.
Harry: Is my trunk on fire?
George: Yeah, I do that from time to time.
Fred: Wow George, that's kind of evil.
George: Of course it is. I am the evil twin.
Fred: No, I'm the evil twin.
George: You liar…wait, if you're the good twin, and you're lying, that must mean lying's a good thing. I need to step my game up.
Fred: As do I, the real evil twin.
Molly: Whatever you're planning, don't. Percy, keep a close eye on them.
Percy: Don't worry mum. As prefect, I make a solemn vow to…
Fred: Come on, like you could really stop us.
George: Do you know why the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher from last year left?
Molly: Why do you think I want him to keep an eye on you? Besides, if I'm not mistaken, Harry Potter should be starting Hogwarts this year, and I don't want you being a bad influence on him.
George: Oh really? And what would he look like?
Molly: Black hair, green eyes, I think he wears glasses, and of course the lightning bolt scar.
Fred: Kinda like this *lifts up Harry's hair*
*Weasley family stares in shock*
Harry: And I am out of here *runs onto the train*
Ron: Wait, come back *follows Harry into train carriage*
Harry: Please tell me you're not as insane as the rest of them.
Ron: Oh, no, I'm nothing like them.
Harry: Oh thank God.
Ron: But I have to tell you, I'm a huge fan.
Harry: Oh, uh, thanks. I guess defeating a dark lord is pretty awesome.
Ron: No, I mean a really, REALLY big fan.
Harry: Oh shit, another stalker. Maybe if I get off the train now…
Ron: We already left the station.
Harry: Oh crap.
Ron: Don't worry Harry. I'll be the Yuno to your Yuki.
Harry: First of all, that's not reassuring. Second, you're about fifteen years early with that reference.
*food trolley comes along*
Trolley lady: Anything off the trolley dears?
Harry: Have you got anything hard enough to knock him out?
Trolley lady: I think some of the Cauldron Cakes have been here a while.
Harry: I'll take 'em. And some of all the other things too.
*Trolley lady hands over the food and leaves. Harry throws Cauldron Cakes at Ron*
Harry: Damn, didn't work *opens a Chocolate Frog, which jumps away*
Ron: You gonna eat that?
Harry: I prefer that my food doesn't move. Hey what's this? *picks up a card* "Considered by many to be the greatest wizard of modern times, Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the Dark wizard Grindelwald in 1945, for the discovery of the twelve uses of Dragon's blood, and his work on alchemy with his partner, Nicolas Flamel. Professor Dumbledore enjoys chamber music and tenpin bowling."
Ron: Oh yeah, they have cards of famous witches and wizards with every Chocolate Frog. I've got hundreds of them.
Harry: Hundreds of different ones?
Ron: No, mostly of you *shows Harry one of his cards*
Harry: What the hell? This picture looks like it was taken a week ago.
Ron: It was.
Harry: Okay, the next words out of your mouth better make me feel more at ease.
Ron: Want me to pull out my hairy friend?
Harry: Somehow that qualifies.
*Ron pulls a rat out of his jacket pocket*
Harry: Wow, that thing is old.
Ron: Yeah, we've had him for like twelve years.
Harry: Even though rats only live about three years?
Ron: Yep.
Harry: Okay then.
*brown haired girl enters, with a chubby kid behind her*
Brown haired girl that you've probably already guessed is Hermione: Have either of you seen a toad around here? The tubby kid who the audience has already guessed is Neville lost one.
Ron: Haven't seen it. Now leave. I have to stare at Harry some more.
Hermione: Harry? As in Harry Potter?
Harry: And here's another stalker.
Hermione: Well, it's not exactly stalking when you're famous, though I am sceptical that you accomplished your feat the way they said.
Harry: Excuse me?
Hermione: Well, I mean, once you discount all the magic nonsense our textbooks talk about, how would a grown man get so close to killing a baby and not succeed? My guess is he realised the error of his ways and went to hide in shame for the rest of his life.
Harry: Uh-huh. And the scar?
Hermione: Most likely he planned to kill you as some kind of cult ritual.
Ron: Do you not believe in magic?
Hermione: Silly boy, of course not.
Ron: How the hell did you get on the platform?
Hermione: A slow moving elevator lowered us to a secret platform. This school is so high tech that they can't just let in any riffraff.
Ron: Where the hell do you think you're going?
Hermione: Hogwarts, which I believe educates students in a science so advanced they call it magic ironically.
Neville: Hermione, we have to find Trevor. What if that Lee kid's tarantula eats him?
Hermione: For the last time Neville, toads eat bugs, and…hey, where'd the redhead go?
*everyone looks around for a minute*
Neville: Found him. He's under the seat.
Hermione: Fascinating. I didn't know anyone could fit under these seats.
Ron: Sorry, it's a reflex to anything I hear involving spiders.
Harry: Good to see your reflex is to hide in the place they're most likely to be.
Ron: They are? *suddenly tries to hide in a corner*
Harry: That's the second most likely.
*Ron starts hugging his knees and rocking back and forward*
Hermione: Well, while you scare him catatonic, we have a toad to find *Hermione and Neville leave*
Harry: Well, now that there's some peace and quiet…*doors opens to reveal blonde haired little shit with two tough guys* And now there's this.
Blonde haired little shit: Hey, aren't you that Taking My Robes and Leaving kid?
Harry: I have a real name you know.
Blonde haired little shit: Oh really? And what would…hold on a sec, let me just fix my name *punches name on the script*
Draco: That's better. Now, what would that be?
Harry: Finally, someone who doesn't actually know me.
Draco: You're Harry Potter, aren't you?
Harry: Son of a bitch.
Draco: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Draco Malfoy, and these guys are Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle.
Crabbe: Gah.
Goyle: Duh.
Draco: And I believe you would be an excellent addition to my group. What do you say?
Harry: What's in it for me?
Draco: You get to be my second in command.
Harry: WHAT?! When I can push this guy around? Forget it.
Draco: You'll regret this. I'll tell my father you were mean to me *leaves*
Conductor: Attention passengers, we will be arriving at Hogsmeade Station in about five minutes.
Ron: Well, time to change into our robes.
Harry: Okay, I'll wait in the hall for you *heads for the door*
Ron: Oh no you don't *starts grabbing Harry's clothes*
Harry: Damn it, this is the second time this has happened.
*train pulls up at the station*
Hagrid: A'right, first years, this way. Oh, hey 'arry.
Harry: Hey Hagrid. Nice to see you again after you ditched me at the station.
Hagrid: What, your aunt and uncle didn't pick you up?
Harry: How could they? They were stranded on a rock. That we stranded them on.
Hagrid: Oh, right. Well…I found this toad, if anyone's interested.
Neville: That'll be mine.
Hagrid: Excellent, we found the class loser.
Neville: HEY!
Hagrid: Now, off to the lake to take us to the castle.
*Hagrid leads students to the edge of the lake, where they look up and see Hogwarts*
Harry: So, I assume we take these boats over to the castle?
Hagrid: *getting into a boat* Yep.
Harry: *getting into boat with Ron, Hermione, and Neville* What would happen if there was a storm?
Hagrid: *shoving off* You just have to hope you don't fall in.
Neville: *following Hagrid* Is there anything dangerous in there?
Hagrid: Just a giant squid…and the Grindylows…and the merpeople.
Harry: Merpeople? They're real?
Hagrid: Weeeeell, kind of. You see, when you get a bunch of teenagers, particularly boys, and the plumbing drains into the lake, sometimes the fish…
Harry: I think we all know where this is going.
*later, at the castle*
Hagrid: Now, to finally end this chapter *knocks on a door*