Student 1: There he is.
Student 2: Oh my God he is so cute.
Student 1: I'mma touch his butt.
Harry: Oh God not another one.
Ron: Hey, I'm the only one allowed to do that.
Harry: No. No you are not. Please stop.
Ron: Just ten more seconds.
Harry: No.
Ron: Five?
Harry: NO!
Ron: Too late, I got them while talking to you.
Harry: Goddamnit. Anyway, where are we going?
Ron: I think our next lesson is through here.
Harry: Don't we have Herbology in the greenhouses?
Ron: No, no, I'm pretty sure it's through this door with the sign that says "Danger: vicious three-headed dog beyond this point."
Harry: So, in other words, you think our next lesson is through the gates of hell?
Ron: Yes *tries to open the door*
Filch: What are you little shit stains doing?
Harry: It was all him.
Filch: Don't lie to me. Mrs. Norris saw you with her own eyes.
Harry: You're not even a freaking wizard. How the hell do you know what the cat sees? That's stupider than us eleven year old first years staying up until midnight every Wednesday to study stars.
Filch: You talking shit about my pussy?
Harry: Uh…no.
Filch: Because let me tell you about my pussy…
Harry: Oh God, are we really doing this?
Filch: I love my pussy.
Harry: Dear God we are.
Filch: I love to stroke my pussy, it's just so soft and fuzzy to the touch, and when I go to sleep at night…
Harry: I am not hearing another word of this *leaves*
*later, in Herbology*
Sprout: *stumbles in with red eyes* Al..alright kids, let's get planting pot.
Hermione: Don't you mean potting plants?
Sprout: I know what I said.
Neville: I think I might like this class.
Seamus: Hey Professor, what's this stuff?
Sprout: Powdered mandrake, a potent aphrodisiac…
Seamus: Oh really *starts putting some down his pants*
Sprout: …and an itching acid.
Seamus: Oh…may I go to the Hospital Wing?
*later, in History of Magic. Professor Binns comes in through the wall*
Harry: Oh good, a ghost teacher. This should be interesting.
Binns: Hello first years, welcome to your first History of Magic lesson. Well, let's start at the beginning. Back in around 1445 BC, the Old Testament was written…
Harry: Ugh, dear God, make it stop.
*later, in Charms class. Flitwick, standing on a pile of books, is taking attendance*
Flitwick: Sally-Anne Perks?
Sally-Anne: Here.
Flitwick: Harry Potter? Wait, as in…SQUEE! *falls off books*
Harry: You are a grown man, kind of, and you have known for years that one day I'd be here. How is this a shock?
Seamus: Hey Professor, what's the first thing we'll be learning?
Flitwick: That would be Wingardium Leviosa, a charm that makes things rise.
Seamus: Oh really? *pulls out wand, points it at crotch* Wingardium Leviosa *explosion* May I go to the Hospital Wing?
*later, in Transfiguration*
McGonagall: Alright kids, do not even THINK of fucking around in this class. This is the most difficult form of magic, and one slight mistake can be a catastrophe.
Filch: Speaking of cats…
McGonagall: Get the fuck out of my classroom. And Mr. Finnigan, I've heard about you behaviour in your other classes. Please do not try to transfigure your dick into something else.
Seamus: Too late.
McGonagall: *sigh* Go to the Hospital Wing.
*later, in Defence against the Dark Arts*
Quirrell: …and th…th…that's how I de…de…defeated the va…va…vampire known as The Ma…Ma…Master.
Dean: No, you recounted the entire first season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Quirrell: N…n…no I didn't, that sh…sh…show doesn't exist yet.
Seamus: Speaking of Buffy, I was pretending this suit of armour with very sharp edges was a vampire, and I didn't have a stake so I used my…
Quirrell: G…g…go to the Ho…Ho…Hospital Wing.
*that Friday*
Harry: Okay, Potions class with that creepy Snape guy in the dark dungeons. Seriously, I don't even need to make a paedophile joke. Rowling's doing that for me.
*Owl post comes, with Hedwig carrying a note*
Note: Dear 'arry, since you 'ave this afternoon off, why not come down for a cup o' tea? Signed, 'agrid. P. S. Don't ask how I know'd you 'ave no classes.
Harry: Speaking of creepy…
*on the other side of the table*
Dean: Seriously man, you done something to yo' dick in every class so far, even History of Magic. How do ya even do that?
Seamus: If you're committed enough, anything is possible.
Dean: *sigh* God damn white people.
*later, in Potions*
Snape: Alright students, I suppose you all think that for this class you just have to boil a few earwigs and stir a pot, don't you?
Hermione: No sir, I…
Snape: Hush your mouth you nattering cesspit. Five points from Gryffindor. When I say this is an exact science, I mean an exact science.
Hermione: Finally, I teacher who actually calls it science.
Snape: That's another five points off. Now, who have we got here *turns to face Harry* Ah, Harry Potter. Tell me, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?
Harry: I am a first year student who grew up with a muggle aunt and uncle. How the hell should I know?
Snape: Five points off Gryffindor. Now, start making a boil cure.
*while making the Potion*
Neville: Professor, is this right?
Snape: Well, considering you were meant to CRUSH the snake fangs instead of cutting them, I'd say no. Five points off Gryffindor.
Neville: What's the difference?
Snape: The difference is this *adds snake fangs to the mix, then throws it on Neville. Neville shrieks in pain* That, dear child, is sulphuric acid. Now, because you insist on feeling pain, that's another five points off.
Seamus: Uh, Professor? I decided tried to make a swelling solution, thinking it would make things bigger, but I made it wrong, and then I poured it down my pants…
Snape: I'm taking one point off for every word you just said.
Harry: Is there a reason he hates Gryffindor so much?
Ron: Honestly, I think it's because they're not Slytherin. Fred and George always get points taken off them.
Harry: Somehow, I don't think it's because they're in Gryffindor.
*later, at Hagrid's hut. Harry knocks on the door*
Hagrid: Jus' a minute…FANG! Don't eat that, it's too big fer…oh, maybe not then *Hagrid opens the door* 'ello 'arry. Be careful where you stand, Fang just ate an entire watermelon.
Harry: What's so bad about that?
Hagrid: In one bite. Very soon that thing's gonna come out in one piece.
Ron: YO! ya-yo, ya-yo…
Hagrid: *smacks Ron* NO! We will have none of that. Now, who wants a rock cake?
*Harry and Ron try to take a bite out of one of them*
Harry: What did you make these out of?
Hagrid: Rocks of course. Why else would they be called rock cakes?
*Harry notices the Daily Prophet on the table*
Harry: Hey, someone tried to rob Gringott's.
Hagrid: Tried is right. Silly buggers tried to rob an empty vault.
Harry: An empty vault, you say? Like what Vault 713 was once you took out the Philo…*Hagrid glares at him*…once you took out that package?
Hagrid: Yeah, like I'd ever unwittingly tell you that.
Harry: Oh, you will.
Hagrid: What was that?
Harry: Nothing. Let's go Ron.