Harry: So Ron, when do we learn how to fly?
Ron: You mean when do you learn how to fly? I do it all the time at home. But don't worry, I can help you. I'll be right behind you to make sure nothing goes wrong.
Harry: And just like that I'm sorry I asked.
Draco: Hey losers, we're got flying lessons in an hour.
Harry: Why are you telling us? Wouldn't you want us to be in trouble for being late?
Draco: How dare you accuse me of wanting you to get into trouble. I'll tell my father about this.
Harry: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise I wasn't supposed to despise a guy who looks like Joffrey.
Ron: Harry, he won't exist for another five years.
Draco: Anyway, the only reason I'm telling you is because I want you to see me flying majestically while you struggle to get off the ground. Isn't that right Goyle?
Goyle: Duh.
Neville: Hey guys, my grandmother just sent me a Remembrall, and it's telling me I forgot something, but I don't know what it is. Do you know?
Harry: Neville, where are your pants?
Neville: *looks down* I remember what I forgot.
*later, just before flying lesson*
Harry: So Hermione, how do you intend to explain flying broomsticks?
Hermione: I suspect that after the popularity of Back to the Future II and III in the last couple of years that skateboard companies have been funnelling millions into being the first to have a hoverboard, so the cleaning industry decided to take them on by getting a flying broomstick.
Ron: Somehow, I thought hearing you try and deny magic would get old after two weeks of you being top of the class, but your denial is still so entertaining.
Hooch: Alright kids, pick a broom, any broom, then hold your right hand above it and say 'Up'.
Neville: What if you're left-handed?
Hooch: Are you left-handed?
Neville: Yes.
Hooch: Then put your right hand over it and say 'Up'. Miss Patil, why are you crying?
Parvati: You're making me remember Carl and Ellie.
Hooch: For God sake child, that movie is almost two decades away.
Seamus: *stands with his legs either side of the broomstick* UP! *broomstick hits him between the legs*
Hooch: Go to the Hospital Wing Mr. Finnigan. Do you know where it is?
Seamus: Yeah, I've been there once or twice *leaves*
Hooch: Ah, Mr. Thomas. You seem to have had no problem getting your broomstick to come up.
Dean: Well of course. I seem to have a skill with getting into vehicles.
Hooch: Mr. Malfoy, you're doing it wrong.
Draco: What do you mean I'm doing it wrong?
Hooch: The bristles are meant to be behind you.
Draco: How dare you tell me I'm doing something wrong. My father will hear about this.
Hooch: Alright, if you think that's right, why don't you fly for us?
Draco: Okay, fine. *mounts broomstick, immediately flies backwards into the ground* My father will hear about this.
Hooch: Of course he will.
Harry: UP! *broomstick immediately jumps into Harry's hand* This is because I'm the main character, isn't it? That's characterist.
Dean: At least you're not a racist stereotype like me.
Hooch: Alright, now that everyone has gotten their brooms off the ground…
Neville: I haven't.
Hooch: …firmly grasp the shaft *snickers from the students* and kick off the ground hard.
Neville: Come on, up. UP! UP, DAMMIT! *broom shoots straight into Neville's hand and keeps going, with Neville still holding on*
Ron: So, do you think he'll come back before or after he hits the stratosphere?
*Neville comes hurtling back to Earth, creating a Neville shaped-hole when he lands*
Harry: After. I don't think you can make a hole like that unless you fell from at least that far.
Hooch: Alright, I better take this boy to the Hospital Wing. Nobody try and do any flying while I'm gone, since I want to film it and put it on YouTube when it's made *leaves with Neville*
Draco: Hey, look what fatass dropped *picks up Remembrall*
Harry: Alright, I'll give it back to him.
Draco: Are you implying that I won't?
Harry: I don't have to imply it. We all know that you won't.
Draco: I'll tell my father about this.
Harry: About what? You being less than perfect?
Draco: Shut up. Just shut up *Draco gets on his broom backwards, and starts flying it in reverse*
Harry: *sigh* I'll go get it.
Hermione: Harry, you realise that since Malfoy is the only one flying, he's the only one who will get in trouble, and if something happens to Neville's Remembrall, he'll be forced to pay for a new one anyway?
Ron: Hermione, he left before you even started talking.
Hermione: Son of a bitch.
*in the air*
Harry: How exactly are you managing to fly backwards and cry at the same time?
Draco: Okay, just for that, I'm going to smash fatass's balls.
Harry: He only has one Remembrall.
Draco: I'll smash this too *throws it as hard as he can*
Harry: Goddamn main character obligations *goes after Remembrall, catches it right before it hits the ground*
Ron: WOO! Good work Harry.
McGonagall: Yes, very good work indeed.
Harry: Uh-oh…
McGonagall: Come with me.
Pansy: Nice knowing you, Potter.
Harry: Bitch, you haven't even appeared in this abridged series yet.
*going down the castle hallways*
Harry: Come on Professor, it wasn't even me. It was my evil twin…err…Parry Hotter.
McGonagall: If you're twins, why have you got different surnames?
Harry: Damn it…where are we going, anyway?
McGonagall: We need to get Wood.
Harry: Huh, I didn't know women could get wood.
McGonagall: No, I mean Oliver Wood.
Harry: My previous statement stands.
McGonagall: For Christ sake, just wait here *enters classroom, comes back with a fifth year* Mr. Wood, this is Harry Potter, the new Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch Team.
Oliver: Really? Cool, but why?
McGonagall: Because despite needing glasses, he was able to catch a clear glass ball falling to the ground at high speed.
Oliver: Welcome aboard.
Harry: Okay, back the fuck up. First of all, what the hell is Quidditch? Second, couldn't you have explained any of this on the way here? Third, Oliver, not only is your name dirty, the actor who plays you has a dirty name.
Oliver: Well, you see Harry, Quidditch is basically like wizard football, but on broomsticks.
Harry: That doesn't sound too difficult.
Oliver: And all the players have to do something different.
Harry: Still not too bad.
Oliver: Including two players on the other team who will try and hit you with an iron ball.
Harry: Okay, WHAT?!
McGonagall: Alright, back to class. I believe Madam Hooch wants to film you for YouTube.
*later, at dinner*
Ron: YOU GET TO BE ON THE QUIDDITCH TEAM?! That's awesome.
Harry: Shut up, we're trying to keep it a secret.
Fred: And yet, we already know.
Harry: Of course you do.
George: We're Beaters.
Fred: Also, that's our position on the team.
Harry: Whose genius idea was it to trust you with wooden clubs?
Fred and George: McGonagall.
Harry: I want to believe she wouldn't hire the two most destructive students to represent her house, but given the role you're playing that makes too much sense.
Draco: Potter, how are you still here?
Harry: Because of reasons that still haven't been fully explained to me.
Draco: Are you insulting my honour? I'll tell my…
Harry: …your father about this. Yeah, yeah, I know.
Draco: Alright, if that's what you think, I challenge you to a duel.
Harry: What?
Draco: Do you accept, or are you a coward?
Ron: He accepts, and I'll be right behind him.
Harry: Please reword that.
Ron: I'll come second.
Harry: That's not exactly better.
Draco: Alright then. Goyle will be my second. Goyle, show 'em your skills.
Goyle: *pulls out wand* Duh.*Goyle blasts himself through the wall of the Great Hall*
Draco: I meant Crabbe *sees Crabbe pulling out his wand* Don't demonstrate for them. Midnight in the third floor trophy room.
Ron: Fine. See you then.
Harry: Did it ever occur to you that I might not want to duel him?
Ron: But this way you get to defeat the bad guy and win your true love's heart.
Harry: If you're referring to yourself, stop.
Hermione: Not to mention you could lose us a lot of house points if you're caught after hours.
Ron: Yeah, but so would Malfoy.
Hermione: Did you ever think maybe he could tell Filch or Snape or someone that you were going to be out of bed and get you caught?
Ron: Why would he do that? He'd get caught too.
Hermione: God damn it, you're an idiot.
*that night*
Ron: Now Harry, we just have to sneak out of the Common Room, then avoid all the prefects, teachers, and Filch, and we'll be able to duel Malfoy.
Harry: Does me still not wanting to do this count for anything?
Ron: No.
Hermione: You guys don't know how to whisper while sneaking, do you?
Ron: Damn it Hermione, don't you want to see Malfoy's face bashed in?
Hermione: I admit, he's a dick, but is this really worth getting expelled over?
Ron: *sarcastically* Oh, no. Students are out after curfew. They must be severely punished. *not sarcastically* Come on Harry *starts walking out of the portrait hole*
Harry: *following* As if I have a choice. You bound my hands and feet. Seriously, Dean and Seamus felt they had to leave to 'give us some privacy'.
Hermione: *following* Guys, get back here before we get *sees the Fat Lady has left* locked…out. Well, shit.
Ron: HA! You're gonna in trouble.
Hermione: So are you.
Ron: Yeah, but I intended for that to happen.
Hermione: Well, I guess we should just wait here until she gets back.
Ron: Nah, we've got a duel to go to.
Hermione: Ron, you get back…*trips over something*…what the? Neville?
Neville: Hi guys.
Harry: Why are you here?
Neville: Well, as I was coming back in, Dean and Seamus warned me about whatever you and Ron were going to do, so I came to sleep out here until you were done.
Harry: Speaking of which, can I be untied now? If I'm going to duel Malfoy, I should be able to move my arms at least.
Ron: Hmm…okay *unties Harry* Now, off we go.
Harry: Them too?
Ron: What do I care? We need witnesses to our love.
Harry: *heavy sigh* Just…whatever.
*in the trophy room*
Harry: Okay, where is he then?
Ron: HA! He chickened out. That means you win by default.
Mrs. Norris: Meow.
Ron: Oh shit.
Hermione: You know what I was saying earlier…
Ron: Shut. Up.
Filch: Alright, I know you're in there. Come on out.
Harry: Shhh….if we're quiet enough, he might leave *Neville knocks over a suit of armour* RUN LIKE A BITCH!
Filch: GET BACK HERE AND LOOK AT MY PUSSY!
*run through the corridors*
Peeves: Hi kids, who ya running from?
Neville: Filch.
Peeves: Oh, well in that case, ARGY! They're over here.
Harry: Damn it Neville, that's the second time you've done that in as many minutes.
*the group finds a locked door*
Ron: And we're screwed.
Hermione: Alohomora.
*the door opens, and the kids run through it*
Ron: So, how do you explain that one, Hermione?
Hermione: Clearly it's a voice activated…
Neville: Um, guys?
Harry: Neville, everything you've done tonight has been counterproductive. If the next thing you say ruins our safe and sound status, I will eat you. Every. Last Bite.
Neville: You may not have to *points out Fluffy*
All four: Well, shit *immediately run out the door and back towards Gryffindor Tower*
Filch: HEY! Get back here so I can get you in trouble.
*in Gryffindor Tower*
Fat Lady: Now what were you students doing out at this hour?
Hermione: Pig snout.
Fat Lady: Now, seriously, as an adult responsible for your safety, I think I'm entitled to…
Harry: For Christ's sake Lady, you're a painting.
Fat Lady: *sigh* Okay, fine. Jackass *opens*
Harry: I guess they weren't kidding about the vicious three-headed dog thing.
Neville: I guess it must have broken in and claimed that hallway as its own.
Hermione: Or it was guarding something.
Ron: Hermione, do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?
Hermione: Did you see where it was standing?
Harry: Yes, Hermione. When confronted with a fucking three-headed demon dog, my first thought was "what's it standing on?"
Hermione: *sigh* It was standing on a trapdoor. It was guarding something.
Ron: Oh Hermione, you and your stories. Now let's all go to bed before you say some other crazy bullshit.