Goyle: Duh.
Draco: Yes, I'm happy that Potter's gone too. And as an added bonus, we got rid of one of those pesky Weasleys.
Crabbe: Gah.
Draco: Yes, victory is…WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY JUST WALKED IN?! *sees Harry and Ron walk into the Great Hall* Oh, I get it, they're giving them one last meal before sending them back. I mean, it is a long way. I would have made them suffer with no food, but unfortunately this school has ethics…why are those owls carrying a broomstick shaped package towards Potter?
*at the Gryffindor table*
Harry: So, what do you think is in that trapdoor?
Ron: You're not actually buying into what Hermione said, are you?
Harry: Ron, the teachers at this school must be among the most powerful witches and wizards in the world, otherwise they wouldn't be allowed to teach. If they didn't want Cerberus in that hallway, surely they'd get rid of it in an instant. *broomstick shaped package lands in front of him, followed by a letter* *sarcastically* Oh, gee, I wonder what's in this package.
Ron: It's a broomstick.
Harry: That was sarcasm. Well, might as well see what's in the letter. *opens letter* "DO NOT OPEN THE PARCEL AT THE TABLE. It contains your new Nimbus Two Thousand, but I don't want everybody knowing you've got a broomstick or they'll all want one. Oliver Wood will meet you tonight on the Quidditch field at seven o' clock for your first training session. Professor M. McGonagall". Seems to me she could have sent this to me somewhere more private. Well, better get this hidden.
Draco: WHY DO YOU GET A BROOMSTICK AND I DON'T?!
Harry: Oh, go tell your father about it. That's what you always do, isn't it?
Draco: How dare you? I'm gonna tell my…FUCK!
*heading up to the tower*
Hermione: I suppose you're happy you got rewarded for breaking the rules.
Harry: Well, I pissed off Malfoy big time in the process, so I'm fucking elated.
Ron: Yeah, fuck the rules.
Hermione: That kind of attitude is going to get us all in trouble sooner or later.
Ron: Not bloody likely.
Hermione: ERGH! You stupid…oh, whatever *storms away*
*later, at Quidditch practice*
Oliver: Well, Potter? Did you get your broom out without anyone seeing?
Harry: No problem, though it was a bit uncomfortable hiding it down my shirt the whole way.
Oliver: How did you…never mind. Let's just go over the basics *opens a chest* Okay, check out my balls.
Harry: Please tell me you mean the ones in the chest.
Oliver: Those too. Now, this one *picks up a red ball* is called the Quaffle. The three chasers try to get in those giant hoops over there.
Harry: Hey, you said this was like football. This is sounding more like basketball.
Oliver: That's a stupid name for a sport. Who'd make a ball out of a basket? Anyway, I'm a Keeper…
Harry: I'm sure you are.
Oliver: No…well, I mean I am, but that's also my position. I just have to stop the Quaffle going through those hoops.
Harry: Okay, how about those?
Oliver: Remember how I said there were iron balls that would be hit at you?
Harry: Yeah?
Oliver: Hold this *hands Harry a bat, then unties a Bludger. Bludger flies into the air, then comes straight at Harry* Hey batta batta batta SWING batta batta *Harry hits Bludger straight at Wood* Oh shit *ducks out of the way*
Harry: I fully understand why Fred and George are the Beaters.
Oliver: Now, the only ball you have to worry about is the Golden Snitch. Catching it gets the team a hundred and fifty points, generally winning the game. It is extremely small, extremely fast, and extremely hard to see.
Harry: Sorry, I missed that. I was cleaning my glasses.
Oliver: Now, since we'll probably lose the Snitch if we let it out, I'm just going to throw golf balls at you for the next half an hour until you can catch them.
Harry: Wait, what…ow, ow. OW! Hey, did you ever catch that Bludger?
Oliver: Oh shit *gets hit in the back of the head by the Bludger*
*Charms class, Halloween*
Flitwick: Alright students, in your pairs, let's see if you can manage to use the Wingardium Leviosa spell on these feathers. Mr. Potter, where is your partner?
Harry: Seamus…
Flitwick: Say no more.
Ron: Wingardium Leviosa *nothing happens* Come on, do something.
Hermione: You're doing it wrong.
Ron: Oh really, what am I doing then? Saying it wrong?
Hermione: You haven't even got your wand out. Here, like this *draws her own wand* Wingardium Leviosa *the feather rises quickly*
Ron: I suppose you have a scientific answer for this.
Hermione: I theorise that…
Ron: GODAMMIT, YOU STUPID BITCH! Magic is real. GET OVER IT, and stop pretending you're better than everyone.
Hermione: Well, the fact that I'm the only one to get complete the assignment…
Ron: NOBODY LIKES OR CARES ABOUT YOU!
*stunned silence, followed by Hermione leaving the room*
Harry: I think she heard you.
*later, at the Halloween feast*
Lavender: Oh my God, like, did you hear about Hermione?
Pavati: Like, duh, I was there lulz.
Lavender: OMG, that's right ROFL! Like, she's off crying in the bathroom now.
Pavati: lol, dat's sad.
Harry: God, I hope those two don't breed.
Ron: I don't know, that Lavender chick is kinda cute.
Harry: Don't you dare.
*at the teacher's table*
Quirrell: Oh, by the way, did I mention there's a troll in the dungeon?
McGonagall: WHAT?!
Quirrell: Sorry, it just slipped my mind.
McGonagall: That's a pretty big thing to slip your mind. Professor, what do we do? *sees Dumbledore sleeping* Goddamnit. ALL STUDENTS, RETURN TO YOUR DORMS!
Percy: Alright, a chance to show my leadership skills by making sure every first year gets back to the dormitory. All of you, follow me.
Harry: Wait, what about Hermione?
Ron: What about her?
Harry: Umm, there's a troll somewhere in the castle, and she has no idea.
Ron: Yeah, and? *Harry stares at him* *sigh* Okay, fine, we'll go find her.
*later, sneaking down the hallways*
Ron: Alright, the girl's bathroom is just…
Harry: How do we know this is the right one?
Ron: What do you mean?
Harry: This castle is fricken massive. Are you telling me that there's only one girl's bathroom in the entire castle?
Ron: Harry, the simple answer to that is…someone's coming.
Harry: Ron, that's hardly an expla…oh, someone's coming *the two of them hide behind a statue, and peer out to see Snape*
Ron: What's he doing here? The troll's in the dungeon.
Harry: Maybe the teachers found that it got out, and he's looking around the other parts of the castle?
Snape: Got to get to that dog, got to get…
Harry: Or he's up to some dodgy shit.
Ron: Speaking of shit…
Harry: Yeah, I know, you got so scared that you…
Ron: What? No. Well, I mean I did, but also that other smell.
Harry: What other…oh shit.
Ron: You too then?
Harry: …no comment.
*troll comes around corner, opens door, goes inside*
Ron: Quick, lock it in *runs over, locks the door*
Harry: Isn't that the girl's bathroom?
Ron: Yeah, so?
Hermione: *inside* Hey, no boys allowed. This is the girl's…SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK!
Harry: Because that.
Ron: Oh, right *does nothing*
Harry: Ron…
Ron: Okay, fine *enter girl's bathroom*
Harry: What do we do?
Ron: Umm…*throws debris at it. Troll doesn't notice* Well, I'm all out of ideas.
Harry: This is probably a bad idea, but since there's six more books and necromancy doesn't exist, there will be no consequences to this *climbs on troll's back and shoves wand up its nose*
Troll: Hey, fuck you, man. I just needed to pee, and accidentally came into the wrong bathroom. This seems like a complete overreaction.
Harry: Ron, do something.
Ron: Like?
Harry: You know how you're useless? Do the exact opposite of that.
Ron: Screw you…but first *pulls out wand* Wingardium Leviosa *troll's club rises into the air, then drops down and knocks it out*
Harry: Wow, that actually worked *pulls wand out of troll's nose* Eww, seriously? Trolls are meant to be made of stone, aren't they?
McGonagall: Not in this series they're not.
Harry: And now you're here.
McGonagall: Now, I have several questions…
Hermione: I can explain. This pervert with Elephantiasis, possibly Professor McFondles, came into the bathroom while I was in here, I screamed, Harry and Ron came to help.
McGonagall: Wait, you think this is just a diseased man?
Hermione: It isn't?
McGonagall: Five points from Gryffindor for not knowing what a troll is.
Hermione: I don't see what 4chan has to do with this.
McGonagall: And as for you two, I will award five points to each of you for somehow being alive.
Harry: So we're only gaining five points?
McGonagall: Yep.
Harry: And you're not punishing us for breaking the rules…again.
McGonagall: Yep.
Harry: The hell is wrong with this school?
*later, in the Common Room*
Ron: Kinda cool that we can break the rules like that and get away with it.
Hermione: Yeah, it was kinda hot watching you nail that troll.
Ron: What?
Hermione: Nothing.
Shippers: We heard that.