Ron: It's been snowing a lot lately. Look, the lake's frozen over.
Harry: Didn't Hagrid say they have a giant squid in there?
Hermione: The staff probably moved it to somewhere it wouldn't freeze.
Harry: How the hell would they move a squid that size?
Hermione: We're at an advanced science school. They'd have ways.
*Quirrell walks past, snowballs bouncing off the back of his head*
Harry: What's that all about?
Ron: Fred and George have been charming snowballs to bounce off Quirrell's head.
Harry: And I'm not even surprised.
?: You fool, you should destroy those red-headed *gets hit* OOF! Those red-headed brats.
Quirrell: I-in g-g-good time, my l-l-l-lord.
Hermione: Who are you talking to Professor?
Quirrell: Oh, ah, n-n-n-no-one, sweet child.
?: Yes, run along to class now.
Harry: That disembodied voice is right. We've got Potions in ten minutes.
*in Potions class*
Hermione: Jeez, hasn't this castle got indoor heating?
Snape: I like my dungeons in the winter. They become the only thing as cold as my heart.
Draco: Yeah, cold is good. But I also enjoy the warmth of a parent's hug after you've been away for a while. Don't you like that feeling Potter?
Harry: You're still jealous because I beat your house's team.
Draco: Fuck you. Next year we'll stomp you. I'll make sure of it.
Harry: Yeah right.
*coming out of the dungeons, they're blocked by a giant for tree*
Hagrid: 'ey kids, need me to move this?
Harry: Nah, nah, it's fine. We were just planning on dying of hypothermia.
Hagrid: Oh, alright then *leaves tree where it is*
Harry: I was being sarcastic.
Hagrid: Okay, fine *moves tree*
Hermione: Come on, we have to go to the library.
Hagrid: Ye're still studyin'? Don't the 'olidays start tomorrow?
Harry: Yeah, but we're trying to find legal loopholes so that we can keep posting this fanfic on Fanfiction dot net since you mentioned Nicolas Flamel was a part of this story. It would help if we knew anything about what he did.
Hagrid: Well, ye ain't getting anythin' else from me.
Ron: We probably will.
*in the library*
Hermione: This library has an annoying lack of law books.
Ron: What did you expect? It's a mag…err, "science" school.
Harry: Maybe there's something in the restricted section?
Hermione: Harry, you know we can't get in there without a note from a teacher.
Harry: Maybe we could…
Madam Pince: Shhh.
Harry: I was just…
Madam Pince: SHHH!
Harry: But I…
Madam Pince: SHHHHHH! *the power of her shhhing throws the three of them out of the library*
*Christmas Day*
Ron: Happy Christmas Harry!
Harry: It's Merry Christmas you jackass.
Ron: Whatever, just open my present.
Harry: Okay, hand it over.
Ron: Ah, could you just open it while I hold it?
Harry: I'm going to regret this, aren't I? *takes off the top, looks inside* Yep.
Ron: It's my dick in a box.
Harry: It's in a box. Alright, what else did I get? *picks up Hagrid's present*
Ron: I like its shape.
Harry: It's just a flute Ron.
Ron: So?
Harry: Moving on *finds Vernon and Petunia's present* Wow, fifty pence. That's a whole pound more than normal. I think they're starting to like me. Okay, let's see, this one's from…your mum?
Ron: Worst. Your mama joke. Ever.
Harry: No, she actually sent me a present *opens it* A hand-knitted sweater. And…I really hope this is fudge. Okay, onto Hermione's present *opens it up, and dozens of Chocolate Frogs start hopping around the room* You can have them, Ron.
Ron: Eww, gross. They've been on the floor.
Harry: And the last one *opens it* A cloak? Sweet. *starts putting it on* This'll keep me…where'd my everything go?
Ron: That's an invisibility cloak.
Harry: Finally, a way to avoid you.
Ron: You think that'll stop me? Anyway, who's it from?
Harry: Let's see *looks at the note with it* "Your father left this in my possession before he died. It is time it was returned to you. Use it well." Well, sneaking into the girl's rooms it is then.
*later, at the Christmas feast*
Fred: Hey Harry, Christmas cracker?
Harry: Yeah, sure *pulls Christmas cracker with Fred. It explodes, dropping a wizard chess set and several live mice* Dear God, how long have they had these?
George: Probably only the last week or so at most.
Harry: And PETA are okay with this?
Fred: Who's PETA?
Harry: That's what I thought.
*later, in the Common Room*
Harry: Knight to B6.
Knight: Are you fucking kidding me kid? Can you see that pawn?
Harry: If I want advice, I'll ask for it.
Knight: *sigh* Fine *moves to B6. Is immediately killed by pawn*
Ron: I win again.
George: Congratulations. Here's your prize *hands Ron something*
Ron: This is Percy's prefect badge.
Percy: HEY! Give that back.
Fred: Oops, gotta go *grabs badge and runs away, Percy in hot pursuit*
*that night*
Harry: Now, how are we gonna get this fanfic to be allowed on Fanfiction dot net? We'll need a legal book, but we need to get into the Restricted Section. If only I had something that would allow me to sneak in there completely undetected…wait a minute *pulls out invisibility cloak* This'll work nicely.
*later, in the library*
Harry: No-one will ever suspect that this floating lantern is actually being carried by a student. There's enough other weird shit going on they'll think this is normal. Ah, here it is *enters Restricted Section* Well, this book looks the most boring. This is probably the right one *pulls out large book and opens it. Book starts screaming* Alright, alright, shut the fuck up.
Filch: Is someone there?
Harry: Son of a bitch. Okay, maybe he'll go away if I stay quiet *knocks over lantern* DAMN IT! I did a Neville. *puts on Cloak and runs past Filch*
Filch: Come out, come out, wherever you are.
*later, in a Hallway*
Harry: I think I lost him.
Filch: That's right Severus, I'm sure they went this way.
Snape: Well then, we better find them.
Harry: Damn it *slips into room behind him* Hey, an old mirror. What's this inscription? "Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi." Okay, seriously Rowling, if you're going to spell something backwards, have the spaces in the right spots *looks in the mirror* Why are there more people in this room than just me? For that matter, why can I see me? I'm still wearing the cloak. Wait a minute *looks harder* Mum? Dad?
*the next morning*
Harry: Seriously Ron, I saw my dead parents.
Ron: I wish I could see my dead parents.
Harry: Your parents aren't even dead.
Ron: Oh yeah. You should totally show it to me tonight.
Harry: No. It's my mirror.
Ron: Actually, it's the school's.
Harry: Well then they shouldn't have left it in a disused classroom.
*that night*
Harry: Hi mum, hi dad.
Ron: Who are you talking to?
Harry: Ron, how did you get here?
Ron: I hid under the invisibility cloak.
Harry: But…I was hiding under the invisibility cloak.
Ron: Indeed you were.
Harry: Then how did…never mind.
Ron: So who were you talking to? Your parents aren't in that mirror.
Harry: Yes they are, they're right there.
Ron: No, that's just me holding a trophy my mum gave me declaring me her best child.
Harry: No, it's my parents.
Ron: No it isn't.
Harry: Fine, what does this so-called trophy look like?
Ron: A naked you.
Harry: And we're done here *pushes Ron out of the room*
Dumbledore: Finally, I thought he'd never leave.
Harry: The fuck are you doing here, and how much trouble am I in?
Dumbledore: I don't remember how I got here, and none.
Harry: Really? Is it even physically possible for me to get in trouble at this school?
Dumbledore: I'm at school? I hope Professor Snape doesn't punish me for not doing my Potions homework.
Harry: You're the Headmaster, and probably taught Snape.
Dumbledore: Oh, that's right. Thank you Henry.
Harry: It's Harry.
Dumbledore: Thank you Geoff.
Harry: Soo…what's the deal with this mirror?
Dumbledore: It tells you what you want, what you really really want.
Harry: So, it just sits here then?
Dumbledore: Yes, until we move it tomorrow.
Harry: Okay, where to?
Dumbledore: I can't tell you that.
Harry: Why not?
Dumbledore: Because I forgot where.
Harry: You forgot where it's getting moved to?
Dumbledore: No, I forgot where I am.
Harry: Right…I'm going back to bed now.
Dumbledore: it's night?