Ron: Has the stone been taken yet?
Harry: No.
Ron: How 'bout now?
Hermione: No.
Ron: Now?
Harry and Hermione: NO!
Ron: Jeez, Snape is really confident about getting through there then. He doesn't even have to rush.
Harry: Maybe Quirrell knows something about how the Stone's guarded that he's not telling him.
Ron: Bullshit. Snape could get it out of him if he wanted to.
Hermione: Guys, we're meant to be studying. Exams are coming up.
Harry: They're over two months away Hermione. And I'm pretty sure thwarting a Dark Lord is reason enough to be behind on our studies.
Hermione: Yes, but we need to keep it on the low that we know what Snape's up to.
Ron: Yeah, but…hey, is that Hagrid?
Harry: No, it's the other half-giant at the school.
Ron: Oh, okay.
Harry: YES IT'S HAGRID YOU IDIOT!
Hermione: Hi Hagrid. What brings you to the library?
Hagrid: Oh, jus' some research.
Harry: I wasn't even aware that you could read. So, what you reading?
Hagrid: Err…nothing *shuffles away*
Harry: That's not good.
Ron: He came from the dragon section.
Harry: Very not good.
Ron: And there's a large gap in the section about dragon keeping.
Harry: Very VERY not good.
Ron: I know. Dragon keeping's illegal in this country. That's why my brother Charlie ran away to Romania.
Harry: That's…wait a minute, why does a school even have books about dragon keeping if it's illegal?
*later that day, at Hagrid's hut*
Hagrid: 'ello kids, what's been 'appening?
Harry: Why the hell have you got a dragon egg?
Hagrid: Err *notices he's holding the egg, immediately throws it into a cauldron in the fireplace* What dragon egg?
Ron: Hey, where'd it go? Well, guess he doesn't have it. Batter move on to the other reason we're here: What's guarding the Philosopher's Stone other than Fluffy?
Hagrid: All the teachers have something guarding it.
Hermione: Except for Snape.
Hagrid: No, he's got something too.
Harry: Wait, so all the teachers have something to guard the Philosopher's Stone?
Hagrid: Yep. But we haven't told anyone how to get past our individual traps, except for Dumbledore.
Hermione: So right now we're relying on you and a senile old man not telling Snape how to get past Fluffy?
Hagrid: Yep.
Ron: The Stone is fucked. Well, we're done here.
Harry: What about the dragon egg?
Ron: Harry, there's no dragon egg here.
Harry: *walking over to the cauldron* Yes there is, it's right *tries to grab it out* AHH! Son of a bi…
*a week later*
Harry: I really hope Hagrid knows what he's doing with that dragon egg.
Ron: I told you Harry, he doesn't have a dragon egg.
*Hedwig flies in with a note. It reads "It's hatching"*
Harry: Then explain this note.
Hermione: I would be fascinated to see a Komodo dragon hatch, but unfortunately we have Herbology.
Ron: Oh, I can't wait to see your explanation when this thing starts breathing fire.
Draco: *walking past* What was that?
Harry: Nothing.
Draco: Bullshit. I know what I heard.
*later, at Hagrid's*
Hagrid: 'ey kids, ye're just in time. Look *reveals the egg as it hatches*
Hermione: Hagrid, how do you intend to keep something like that secret?
Hagrid: I'll jus' 'ide it in me 'ut.
Harry: Really? You're going to hide the fire-breathing reptile in your wooden hut?
Hagrid: Yep.
Ron: Hagrid, my brother Charlie has dragons over in Romania. We could very easily *dragon bites him* SON OF A BIT…
Hagrid: Hey now, watch yer language in front in little Norbert.
Harry: You already named it?
Hagrid: Norbert's a he, not an it. And furthermore…is that blond haired little shit looking through my window?
Draco: My name is Draco…I mean, gotta go *runs off*
Harry: Now do you want us to get rid of it?
Hagrid: *sigh* Fine.
Ron: I think I need to go to the Hospital Wing.
Harry: First you've got to write to your brother.
Ron: But he bit my writing hand.
Harry: WRITE TO YOUR BROTHER!
*a week later, in the Hospital Wing*
Harry: So, what's the deal with your brother?
Ron: He said to meet some friends of his at the top of the tallest Astronomy tower at midnight tonight with Norbert.
Hermione: Sure thing. Where's the letter?
Ron: Well, you see, I was using it as a bookmark…
Harry: Okay, so where's the book?
Ron: Well, Malfoy came in here to mock me, and he told Madam Pomfrey that he had to borrow a book from me, so that's the book I gave him.
Hermione: You actually gave him a book?
Ron: He was threatening to tell Madam Pomfrey what actually happened.
Harry: For fuck sake Ron, you have a dozen other books here. Well, too late to cancel now. We'll just have to hope the Invisibility Cloak will hide us.
*that night*
Harry: Jeez, who would have thought a large cage carrying a dragon would be so heavy?
Hermione: Quiet. We're invisible, not mute.
Harry: Yeah, yeah…wait, I think someone's coming.
*McGonagall and Draco come around the corner*
Draco: But Professor, I swear, Potter's coming and he's got a dragon. And I've got proof.
McGonagall: If that's so, then why didn't you tell a teacher so that we could wait for him?
Draco: And miss seeing Potter get in trouble? You're out of your mind.
McGonagall: Twenty points from Slytherin. Though I'm pretty sure Professor Snape will just award them back to you at the earliest convenience. *leaves with Draco*
Hermione: This is the greatest day ever.
Harry: Hermione, we have a dragon to get rid of.
*on the roof*
Harry: Where are they? Can't they see us?
Hermione: No, they can't. We're still wearing the cloak.
Harry: Oh, right *takes it off* By the way, what's your explanation on this?
Hermione: Well, by reflecting light…
*four people suddenly arrive*
Stranger 1: You the kids with the dragon?
Harry: Yep.
Stranger 2: Sweet. Still young too.
Hermione: So, do you guys, like, study dragons or something?
Stranger 3: You could say that.
Stranger 4: We really love dragons.
Hermione: That's good, because…
Stranger 1: Really, REALLY love dragons.
Harry: Oh boy, this is going exactly where I think it's going, right?
Stranger 2: Don't worry, we'll take good care of your dragon.
Stranger 3: With our penises.
Harry: …Yep.
Stranger 4: Well, bye.
*the four of them flew away with Norbert*
Harry: I'm starting to wonder whether the dragon would be better with Hagrid or them.
Hermione: Who cares? We got rid of it, and Malfoy's got detention. Happy days. Now, let's get back to bed.
*at the bottom of the stairs*
Filch: Well, well. We are in trouble aren't we?
Harry: Don't worry Hermione, we're under the Invisibility Cloak. He can't see us.
Hermione: Actually Harry, you left that on the roof.
Harry: Well shit.