Hermione: Thisisbadthisisbadthisisbadthisisbad…
Harry: No shit Hermione.
Filch: Both of you shut up and wait for Professor McGonagall. Speaking of which, here she is.
*McGonagall arrives with Neville*
Harry: Neville, what the fuck are you doing here?
Neville: I overheard Malfoy saying he was going to get you busted with a dragon and I came to warn you.
Harry: You thought that you could sneak around without getting caught?
McGonagall: I could ask you the same question.
Harry: Yeah, yeah, shut up.
McGonagall: Scoffing at authority, eh?
Harry: Oh, what are you gonna do? So far I haven't gotten anything worse than a nasty finger wagging.
McGonagall: Fifty points from each of you.
Harry: See, you don't have the…wait, what?
Hermione: But Professor, you only took twenty off Malfoy.
McGonagall: Oh? And how do you know about that?
Hermione: Err, umm…
McGonagall: I think I'll be giving you all detention as well. Now get back to bed.
*the next morning*
Gryffindor student 1: Hey, what the hell happened to our points?
Gryffindor student 2: You idiot. They obviously haven't added the points from the Gryffindor/Hufflepuff game yet.
Gryffindor student 1: Dude, that game was two months ago.
Gryffindor student 2: Oh, right. What the hell happened to our points?
Gryffindor student 3: Hey, did you hear what happened to our points?
Gryffindor student 1: No, what?
Gryffindor student 3: Potter and a couple of friends were out after curfew smuggling dragons.
Gryffindor student 2: Whoa, that would be hardcore if he didn't cost us the House Cup.
Harry: Damn it, how do they already know?
Ron: Fred and George.
Harry: And how do they know?
Ron: They saw you three coming back in at one in the morning. Then when they saw the scores, they figured I knew something and made me talk.
Harry: Did you at least resist them under heavy torture for a while?
Ron: *eye twitch* Yes.
Harry: God damn it Ron. Anyway, what have they got against me?
Ron: The evil one was pissed off you lost more points in one night than they'd lost in three years.
Harry: Which one's the evil one?
Ron: I don't even think they know.
*later, at Quidditch practice*
Harry: So, uh, Wood.
Oliver: Yes Seeker?
Harry: I'm guessing you're not too happy with me right now.
Oliver: Absolutely livid.
Harry: So, if I were to resign…
Oliver: No.
Harry: Come again?
Oliver: Well, for one thing, it's too late in the season to train a new Seeker. On top of that, despite your obvious handicap, you've proven to be one of the best Seekers ever. You've fucked up big time, but at this point if anyone can unfuck the situation, it's you.
Harry: Wow, I didn't know you had that much faith in me.
Oliver: And because your reputation's in the toilet, I'll get all the credit for keeping you.
Harry: Still the nicest thing that's been said to me this week.
*later, in the castle*
Harry: I need to stop meddling in things that don't concern me. Stupid main character obligations *hears someone sobbing* I've gotta go check that out, don't I? *finds himself outside the classroom it's coming from* Yep *listens carefully to what's being said* Is that Quirrell?
Quirrell: B-b-but master, I don't want to…
?: You must.
Quirrell: But I…
?: You will do as I say.
Quirrell: Y-y-yes master *sound like material moving*
Harry: *thoughts* Oh God, Snape has broken Quirrell. And now they're fucking not ten feet away from me*
*later, in the library*
Harry: Well, the Stone's fucked.
Ron: I've been saying that for weeks.
Harry: Yeah, but now Snape's fucked Quirrell. In more ways than one.
Hermione: Should we tell someone?
Harry: Hermione, I don't like him either, but we should still let Snape come out when he's…oh, you're talking about the other way Quirrell's been fucked. Nah, we'd get in more trouble for something Hagrid did.
*the next day*
Harry: Ah, what a beautiful day *sees owl holding a note* What's this? "Your detention is tonight at eleven. Meet Mr. Filch in the Entrance Hall." So they're punishing being out of bed by making us stay out of bed. Perfect sense.
*that night*
Filch: Hello children. Ready for me to punish you?
Harry: Are we gonna hear stories about your pussy?
Filch: Yes *All four gulp* On the way to your detention.
Draco: Can't we at least use memory charms afterwards?
Filch: No.
Draco: How dare you traumatise me? I'm gonna tell my father about this.
Filch: And then I'll get to tell him why you were here in the first place.
Draco: I…damn it.
*later, as Filch leads them towards Hagrid's*
Filch: And that's how I clean my pussy every week. Okay we're here.
Harry: Thank Christ.
Filch: Alright Hagrid, they're all yours. I'll be back for the remains in the morning.
Hermione: What was that last part?
Hagrid: No talkin'. Yer here coz ye broke the school rules.
Harry: We were breaking them because of you.
Hagrid: No backchat. We're going into the woods.
Neville: You're kidding, right?
Hagrid: Does this look like the face of someone kiddin'?
Draco: No, it looks like the face of a drunk.
Harry: Speaking of which, how much have you had?
Hagrid: Only twelve.
Hermione: Well, on someone his size, twelve beers probably doesn't affect him that much.
Hagrid: No, I mean twelve six-packs.
Harry: How the fuck are you making words still?
Hagrid: Quiet *pulls out a crossbow* We got a unicorn ta find.
Harry: Unicorn hunting? Best detention ever.
Hagrid: No 'arry. This one's been wounded.
Harry: Couldn't quite finish the job, eh?
Hagrid: No, somethin' else got it first.
Harry: And you're just taking credit for someone else's effort? I can't think of anyone who would intentionally ruin someone's hard work for their own enjoyment *looks out through the computer screen at me*
Hagrid: Look, somethin's killed one unicorn and wounded another, and we gotta help or kill the wounded one. Hopefully the latter, because they make a great stew. Now, who's with me and who's with Fang?
Draco: Dibs on Fang.
Hagrid: Okay, but he's quite the coward.
Draco: And you're trusting him with my life?
Hagrid: Yours and Neville's.
Hermione: That seems like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hagrid: Oh, come on. What's the worst that could happen?
Neville: Combine every horror movie you've ever seen into one. That's what could happen.
Hagrid: Never seen a movie, therefore nothing's gonna happen. Let's go.
*later, in the forest*
Harry: You know, I was led to believe this place was dangerous, but it's really not that bad.
Hagrid: Yeah, it's perfectly BOTH OF YOU 'IDE RIGHT NOW! *throws Harry and Hermione behind a tree and holds the crossbow in front of him*
Hermione: Can you see what it is?
Harry: It's…it's…a squirrel.
Hermione: Oh, so no cause for alarm.
Hagrid: DIE MOTHERFUCKER *fires seventeen bolts into it*
?: Slightly overkill, isn't it Hagrid? *centaur walks into clearing*
Hagrid: I guess Ronan. Only really need eleven to kill something this small.
Ronan: Are those children over there yours?
Hagrid: Students from the school on detention.
Ronan: Oh thank God they're not yours. You and procreation don't mix.
Hagrid: Hey, if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't exist.
Ronan: My point exactly.
Hagrid: Anyway, have you seen a wounded unicorn around here?
Ronan: Hey Bane, have you seen a wounded unicorn around here?
Bane: *offscreen* Nah, I've been watching those red sparks over there.
Hagrid: What? No way. How could that matchup have possibly failed?
Harry: You put a bully and his victim together and expect nothing to go wrong?
Hagrid: Yes.
Harry: …I actually expected you to realise the flaw in that.
Hagrid: Well, I better go see what happened. You two stay here with Ronan and Bane.
Hermione: They already left.
Hagrid: Well then just stay here anyway *leaves*
Harry: So, centaurs. Explanation?
Hermione: Genetic fusion between a man and a horse.
Harry: That seemed too simple.
*Hagrid returns*
Hagrid: Well, Malfoy was being a dick, so I dragged Neville here, so Harry'll have to go with 'im.
Harry: Okay, so I assume you're leaving Hermione and Neville here while you take me to Malfoy?
Hagrid: Nope, you're on your own.
Neville: Nice knowing you Harry.
*with Malfoy*
Draco: Scared, Potter?
Harry: No.
Draco: How dare you? I'll tell my father about this.
Harry: I'm sure you will.
Draco: Screw you.
Fangirls: Please do.
Harry: Wait, what's that? *sees dead unicorn* I think we found it.
Draco: And so did that *hooded figure steps out from behind trees, pulls out a bendy straw, and starts drinking unicorn's blood* Should we get out of here?
Harry: Scared Malfoy?
Draco: HOW DARE *sees hooded figure staring at them* OH SHIT! *runs away*
Harry: *backing away* Now, look, I didn't see anything, so if you could find it in your heart to let me go *Harry's scar starts hurting, making him collapse*
?: En garde, vile fiend *hoof stamping nearby* Take that, and this, and some of that. Haha, I win.
*Harry recovers vision*
Harry: Who are you?
Firenze: I am Firenze, the mighty centaur warrior, and I just drove that horrid monster away.
Harry: But I didn't hear anything that sounded like you hitting it.
Firenze: That's because he fled at the sight of me.
Harry: Then why bother with the yelling?
Firenze: Because I, Firenze the mighty centaur warrior, must put on a good show, even if my opponent backs down.
Harry: Right…don't suppose you know the way back to Hagrid do you?
Firenze: Indeed I do child. Come, I'll give you a lift.
Harry: No, no, I can walk *Firenze throws him onto his back* WHOA! *Firenze charges through the trees at high speed*
Firenze: We'll be there soon child…oh, good day Ronan and Bane.
Bane: Oh Christ, it's Firenze.
Ronan: We are so sorry kid. I can promise you the rest of us are nothing like Firenze.
Harry: Yeah, I reckon there aren't many humans like him either.
Firenze: That's right, there are none as brave as Firenze the mighty centaur warrior.
Bane: So, are you looking for something, or…
Firenze: Ah, yes, my quest. I must find Hagrid. Have either of you seen him?
Ronan: Yeah, he went back with the other kids.
Firenze: Thank ye, oh noble comrades. I shall complete my quest, and meet you back at the clearing soon.
Bane: Please don't.
Firenze: Hang on child *takes off at high speed, Harry screaming all the while*
Ronan: We need to get rid of him.
Bane: We'll think of something.
*at Hagrid's*
Firenze: Ah, Hagrid, I found a child by the name of Harry in the woods, which I am returning to you.
Hagrid: No way. 'arry's right here.
Neville: I'm Neville.
Hagrid: Oops, wrong chosen one.
Harry: What?
Hagrid: Never mind. You're safe, there's a dead unicorn waiting for me to make stew out of it, and you need to go to bed.
*in the Common Room later*
Harry: Guys, I really think we need to talk about the fact that something was drinking unicorn blood. Was it a vampire?
Ron: Only vegetarian vampires drink animal blood, and they live in America. Anyway, do you know what happens when you drink unicorn blood?
Harry: No. What happens?
Ron: You don't die, but you live a cursed life. Kind of a half-life.
Harry: We need to let this thing drink another unicorn's blood.
Hermione: Why?
Harry: Because that'll be Half-Life 3.
Hermione: Damn it Harry, this is serious. Clearly it was someone very desperate.
Harry: Like Voldemort?
*thunder and lightning are heard and seen*
Hermione: Odd. There's not a cloud in the sky.
Harry: So we're in agreement. Snape's killing unicorns so Voldemort can be the first to play Half Life 3.
Ron: That evil bastard.
Harry: Well, he probably won't be doing much more unicorn hunting tonight. Might as well go to bed and figure out what to do tomorrow *go up to his dorm* What the? My Invisibility Cloak? And there's a note. "Just in case". Well that's convenient.