Ron: You think the Stone's been taken yet?
Harry: Ron, shut up.
Ron: It's a legitimate question.
Hermione: Ron, be quiet. We're in the middle of an exam.
Ron: Why? It's not like anyone can hear us.
Flitwick: Except we can, because you're not whispering.
Ron: *notices everyone staring at him* Oh, right.
*later that day*
Ron: So, about what I was asking…
Harry: For God's sake Ron, we can actually hear Fluffy growling from here *Fluffy's ferocious growls are heard*
Ron: Oh, right.
Hermione: Now, after getting through Flitwick's exam…
Harry: During which Seamus tried to use the Engorgio charm on his dick.
Hermione: …we have McGonagall's exam.
Harry: During which Seamus will use the Draconifors spell on his dick.
Hermione: Why would he turn his dick into a dragon?
Harry: Hermione, please. Who wouldn't want that?
Hermione: *annoyed sigh* Men.
*the next day, after finishing their exams*
Ron: Ah, finally, no more studying.
Harry: I still can't figure out how Seamus hurt his dick.
Hermione: Are Fred, George, and Lee playing with the Giant Squid?
Ron: Yep.
Harry: Well, I've seen enough hentai to know where that's going. But I keep getting the feeling we're forgetting something about the Stone.
Hermione: Like what?
Harry: I don't know, but my scar keeps hurting lately, so clearly some pretty serious shit's about to go down…wait a second…oh God.
Hermione: What is it?
Harry: I think Hagrid has ensured the Stone will be stolen. Come on.
*at Hagrid's*
Hagrid: 'ello kids. What can I do for ye?
Harry: Hagrid, are you and Dumbledore the only people who know how to get past Fluffy?
Hagrid: *eye twitch* Yes, me and Dumbledore are the only two who know that playing music to Fluffy will put him to sleep…oops.
Harry: God damn it Hagrid, who else did you tell?
Hagrid: I don't know who gave me the dragon egg.
Harry: And you didn't think it was odd that someone just happened to have a dangerous and, more importantly, ILLEGAL dragon egg with them?
Hagrid: Should I have?
Hermione: For fuck's sake Hagrid.
Ron: Great, now Snape's gonna get the Stone for sure.
Harry: We have to tell Dumbledore NOW! *the three of them leave*
Hagrid: I wonder if I should have mentioned that the dragon dealer stuttered a lot? Nah, it's probably unimportant.
*in the castle*
McGonagall: What are the three of you doing inside?
Harry: We need to speak to Dumbledore about something.
McGonagall: *eyes narrowing* What, exactly?
Hermione: It's kind of a secret.
Ron: About someone trying to steal the Philosopher's Sto…*gets mouth covered by Harry*
McGonagall: How do you know about the Philosopher's Stone?
Harry: He didn't say Philosopher's Stone. He was saying…err…Hermione, think of something.
Hermione: The Philosopher's Stove.
McGonagall: Well, I can assure you, both the Philosopher's Stone and the Philosopher's Stove are safe, and in any case Professor Dumbledore has just been summoned to the Ministry of Magic.
Ron: He's already left?
McGonagall: No, he's still looking for the bathroom from the Gryffindor vs Hufflepuff game.
Hermione: That was three months ago.
McGonagall: He's very constipated. Now, go outside and play or something *leaves*
Harry: Great, now how are we supposed to stop Snape stealing the Stone?
Snape: Stop who from doing what?
Harry: Fuck me sideways.
Snape: If only your mother had said that to me…
Harry: Say WHAT?!
Snape: Nothing. Go outside and play children *they start to leave* Oh, and if any of you are out of bed at night again, I might take you up on that offer.
Harry: Gross.
Snape: And not in the literal sense.
Harry: Thank Christ.
Ron: Yeah, only I may do that.
Harry: No you may not.
*outside*
Harry: Okay, we have to keep an eye on Snape. Hermione, that'll be your job.
Hermione: Why me?
Harry: Because a nerd hanging out in front of the staffroom isn't suspicious. Meanwhile, me and Ron will guard the corridor.
Ron: What will that accomplish?
Harry: We'll be able to see Snape go after the Stone and stop him in his tracks.
Hermione: And if we're caught by someone else?
Harry: We won't.
*in the Common Room later*
Harry: We were.
Hermione: Any more bright ideas?
Harry: Yes. We go after the Stone ourselves.
Hermione: But Snape said…
Harry: Hermione, if we don't stop him, the world will end. What's worse: the apocalypse, or school?
Hermione: Hmm, that's a tough one…
Harry: Damn it Hermione. I'll go get the cloak and we'll get going.
Neville: Are you trying to make us lose more points?
Harry: Not now Neville.
Neville: I'll stop you *raises fists* Come on, bring it on.
Hermione: I'll handle this.
Ron: She's gonna use the body binding spell, then explain how it works *Hermione hits Neville over the head with a large book* Or do that.
Hermione: Come on, help me move the body.
Harry: Hopefully not something we have to hear too many more times.
*outside the third floor corridor*
Harry: Okay, we're here. I brought the flute Hagrid gave me for Christmas to put Fluffy to sleep.
Hermione: Let's do this *pulls out wand* Alohomora *door opens. Trio see Fluffy asleep with a harp playing*
Harry: Snape beat us here. Guess I won't be needing this *throws flute away. Harp suddenly stops, and Fluffy wakes up* Oh come on.
Ron: Do you have a Plan B?
Harry: Yes *clears throat* I like big butts and I can not lie / You other brothers can't deny…
Hermione: Damn it Harry, that's not even…oh, wait, that one is out. Carry on.
*Fluffy goes to sleep, the trio slip past and jump down the trapdoor*
Harry: Good thing they have a plant down here to cushion your fall when you land, rather than rocks to break the legs off potential thieves.
Hermione: Yeah, that is…OH SHIT! *jumps up and gets away from plant*
Harry: What's wrong?
Hermione: It's wrapping you up.
Harry: *sees tentacle wrapping itself around his leg* Oh no, it's that thing that happened to Fred, George, and Lee this afternoon.
Hermione: Relax, Devil's Snare let's go as soon as it violates you.
Ron: Oh God, get it out of there. That place is reserved for Harry.
Harry: Can't you do something before it…okay, never mind, it's already doing it.
*later*
Harry: That thing was worse than any gym teacher, Catholic priest, mall Santa, or party clown ever.
Ron: I need an adult.
Hermione: Shh, do you hear that? *a fluttering sound is heard*
Harry: Oh good, birds are gonna kill us.
Hermione: Those are keys.
Ron: Do you think one of them opens that door?
Harry: No, it's just there for decoration.
Ron: Oh, okay.
Harry: *sigh* Yes, one of them opens the door.
Hermione: Which one though?
Harry: Probably that one with a bent wing *grabs broomstick* As a seeker, I should probably be the one to catch it.
Ron: We'll help too *grabs a broomstick*
Harry: Aww, isn't that cute? You think you'll be useful. Wait there kiddies, I'll be back in a minute *takes off. Soon catches key* See, nothing to it.
Hermione: Uh, Harry?
Harry: What? *sees all the keys pointing at him* Well shit *flies straight at the door and jams the key in the keyhole* Why isn't this working?
Hermione: Harry, that key is shiny. The lock is old. Snape deliberately grabbed the wrong key to trick us.
Harry: Son of a bi…*barrage of keys crashes into him, with such force that the door is thrown off its hinges* Hey guys, I got the door open.
Ron: Alright, what's our next challenge? *sees Wizard Chess Set* Oh boy. The second greatest thing in the world after Harry.
Harry: We don't have to worry about this.
Ron: Yes we do *jumps onto a knight*
Hermione: No, really, we don't.
Ron: You two, take the places of that bishop and that knight.
Harry: Ron, there's a path around the board to an open door.
Ron: Pawn, move two spaces out.
Hermione: What do we do?
Harry: Just roll with it.
*later*
Ron: Yes, I know how to win now *takes one step forward. Gets taken by the queen*
Hermione: Wasn't he a knight?
Harry: I think the queen just took him out for wasting everyone's time. Come on, we gotta figure out what's next.
Hermione: Well, Professor Sprout must have been the Devil's Snare. The keys were…
Harry: Madam Hooch.
Hermione: I was gonna say Flitwick charmed them.
Harry: That's just stupid. Why would he make his trap so similar to Quidditch?
Hermione: Whatever. The chess pieces must have been…
Harry: A fun break after being chewed on by a three-headed dog, molested by a tentacle, and stabbed by keys.
Hermione: Or McGonagall's trap.
Harry: So next up we have…*sees dead troll* Snape obviously put another troll in here.
Hermione: Or this is Quirrell's trap.
Harry: Come on Hermione. The other two traps you got wrong were bad enough, but why would you even think that one? That would imply Quirrell let the troll in, and could you imagine him trying to be evil?
Hermione: I know it sounds stupid, but…
Harry: Exactly. Now come on, what's next *enters room with table full of potions. Ring of fire immediately encircles them* Can we do a Johnny Cash reference here?
Hermione: Shut up Harry, I'm trying to crack Snape puzzle.
Harry: Why would there be two Snape traps in a row? Unless Snape rigged it that way so that it would be easier for him to get the Stone. Jeez, gotta hand it to him, he was organised.
Hermione: Harry, if I don't solve this, we could end up drinking poison.
Harry: Hermione, clearly Snape would have drunk the potion to continue, so the nearly empty one has to be the right one.
Hermione: Not necessarily. He might not have filled all the vials to the top. Now, let's see *a minute of thinking later* I've got it! It's the third from the left…Harry? *sees the vial is empty* Goddamn it Harry*
*in the next chamber*
Harry: HA! Got you now Sna…You're not Snape.