Quirrell: Indeed Potter, I'm not Snape.
Harry: Thank God, that means Snape didn't get in here first, and the Stone is in the safe, capable hands of…Why aren't you stuttering?
Quirrell: Because, dear boy, I am about to get my hands on the Philosopher's Stone, and bring back my lord and master to kill you. MWAHAHAHAHA!
Harry: Wow, and I thought Snape was a dick for praying I'd fall.
Quirrell: What? No, he was muttering the counter-curse so that I didn't throw you off your broomstick sooner. Who told you he was praying?
Harry: Because Hermione said…oh, wait. Never mind. So...what now? *ropes shoot out of nowhere and tie him up* Oh come on. The Devil's Snare already did this to me.
Quirrell: Shut up boy. Can't you see I'm trying to get the Stone out of this mirror? All I've gotten so far is this rusty old stove.
Harry: And McGonagall thought it was safe. Wait, mirror? *sees the Mirror of Erised* Oh, that.
Quirrell: You know it?
Harry: N…no. Wait, so if Snape isn't the bad guy, how come he hates me?
Quirrell: Because your father was a complete ass to him.
Harry: Yeah, that'd do it. Though it doesn't explain why the two of you did it in a classroom.
Quirrell: Say what?
Harry: You know, you told your master that you didn't want to, and Snape was all like "DO AS I SAY", and you were…that was Voldemort wasn't it?
Quirrell: Yep.
Harry: How the hell can the most evil wizard of all time, in a dramatically weakened state, just stroll on into the castle and nail one of the teachers with no-one batting an eyelid?
Quirrell: That's…not quite how it works *starts taking off his turban*
Harry: How can that not be how it works *sees a face on the back of Quirrell's head* What the fuck is that?
Voldemort: Hello Harry. Remember me?
Harry: No. The last time we met was when I was a year old.
Voldemort: That didn't seem to stop you ruining my life.
Harry: Well, you did murder lots of innocent people.
Voldemort: I had a good reason.
Harry: And what was that?
Voldemort: I was bored.
Harry: …yeah, I'm gonna go now *tries to walk, falls over* Oh, right, ropes.
Voldemort: Now Harry, you're going to come over here and tell us how to get the Stone.
Harry: And why would I do that?
Voldemort: So that I can gain immortality from it and kill you.
Harry: You see, that's the main reason I'm not going to do that.
Voldemort: Come on, I'll make you my second in command.
Harry: Okay, first: you already said you were going to kill me. Second: I already kicked your ass once as a baby when you were at your full power. Why would I want to be second to you when you need to leech off someone else?
Voldemort: DO IT! Just…DO IT!
Harry: No Shia.
Voldemort: *annoyed sigh* Fine. I won't kill you.
Harry: See, was that so hard?
Voldemort: *muttering* For now.
Harry: What?
Voldemort: I said for now. Now get that Stone *controls ropes so that they fling Harry in front of the mirror* Well, what do you see?
Harry: I see… *sees himself putting the Stone in his pocket, then feels something appear in his pocket* I see me getting the fuck out of here *starts running*
Voldemort: STOP HIM!
Quirrell: Yes master *makes flames appear around the room* Anything else?
Voldemort: Get the fucking stone you idiot.
Quirrell: Oh, right *grabs Harry. Pulls back in agony*
Voldemort: Why are you not killing him and getting the Stone?
Quirrell: But master, my hands.
Voldemort: Fuck your hands. I need to rise to power again.
Quirrell: *sigh* Yes master *grabs Harry again, jerks back in pain again*
Voldemort: Kill him damn it.
Harry: Good idea *grabs Quirrell's face*
Quirrell: AHHH! Let me go, or I'll lick you.
Harry: Do it.
Quirrell: Fine *licks Harry's hand* AHHH! My tongue *dies*
Harry: And just like that, I'm a criminal. I thought I'd feel more guilt over this, but instead I just feel dizzy *starts to wobble* Ugh, down I go *passes out*
*three days later*
Harry: Ugh…where am I?
Dumbledore: I was hoping you could tell me.
Harry: Professor Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: Where? …oh, wait, that's me.
Harry: Okay…I don't suppose there's any chance you could tell me what happened?
Dumbledore: You mean about you killing a man after he touched you without your permission?
Harry: Yeah…what's the deal with that by the way?
Dumbledore: You defeated him with the power of love.
Harry: …You're fucking kidding, right?
Dumbledore: Nope, that's what happened.
Harry: So, if you love someone enough, you can protect them, right? I guess this will come up constantly throughout the series.
Dumbledore: Nope.
Harry: So, I'm guessing that only important people know what happened.
Dumbledore: Nope.
Harry: And no-one knows who sent me my father's Invisibility Cloak?
Dumbledore: Nope…oh, wait, that was me.
Harry: And you didn't tell me because…
Dumbledore: I forgot to sign the note.
Harry: Of course you did. So, what happened to the Stone?
Dumbledore: We destroyed it.
Harry: So Nicolas Flamel's going to die?
Dumbledore: Yep.
Harry: Excellent. Now he can't sue us for using him as an important character in this fanfic. So, obviously Voldemort only wanted me dead because he's a homicidal maniac…
Dumbledore: *eye twitch* Yes.
Harry: …so the only question left is why Snape tried to save me when he hates me so much.
Dumbledore: Because your father saved his life.
Harry: Does nobody understand love and hate in this series?
Dumbledore: Well, I need to go to the bathroom, so…
Harry: Still?
Dumbledore: Nope, pooped down the trapdoor. Managed to do it to the rhythm of Achy Breaky Heart too.
Harry: And I'm stuck with that image in my head. So, how did I get the Stone from the mirror?
Dumbledore: Because it would only go to one who wanted to find it but not use it.
Harry: Who said I wouldn't have used it? I would have gotten immortality and made fun of Voldemort to his face…on the back of someone else's face.
*later*
Pomfrey: I said your friends can't come in, and that's FINAL! *slams door on the way out*
*Hermione and Ron appear from under the Invisibility Cloak*
Harry: Good to see you obeying the rules Hermione.
Hermione: I need to have a closer look at such a fascinating invention. Also, I think I deserve to have a go woth this after you ditched me in the Potion room.
Ron: But don't worry Harry, I forgive you for leaving my unconscious body in the chess room. I don't even mind what you did to it.
Harry: I didn't do anything to it.
Ron: *winking* Sure you didn't.
Harry: So, how did I end up here?
Hermione: Well, just after me and Ron came out of the trapdoor, Dumbledore burst in screaming "FIRE IN THE HOLE" and squatted over the hole…
Ron: Best Achy Breaky Heart cover ever.
Hermione: While he was crapping out everything not strapped down in his body, we explained what happened, and he went in after you.
Harry: Before or after he finished shitting?
Hermione: Yes.
Harry: The physics of what you just said are equally mind-boggling and disgusting.
*the next day*
Pomfrey: NO! No guests.
Hagrid: I'd like to see ye stop meh *walks into the room* 'ello 'arry, sorry 'bout the whole getting ye almost killed thing. I'll never drink again
Harry: I can smell the liquor on your breath.
Hagrid: Brandy's not booze. Anyway, I got yeh a present.
Harry: No, please, Hagrid, whatever it is, I don't want it. I just ate *Hagrid gives him a photo album* Oh good, it isn't a sandwich you've been keeping warm in your pockets.
Hagrid: I'm still looking for that. I know it's here somewhere.
Harry: So what are the photos of? *opens album* …Mum? Dad?
Hagrid: I knew ye'd like it. Sent off owls to everyone I could think of.
Harry: This is amazing. Let's see what else there is.
Hagrid: Oh, wait, there's a photo in there I forgot to take out.
Harry: Why would you take out a…oh.
Hagrid: Yeah.
Harry: I used to think the magical moving picture thing was kinda cool, but not when it shows how much your parents like leather.
Hagrid: Coincidentally, you were born about nine months after that picture was taken.
Harry: I could have lived without witnessing my own conception.
*at the End of Year feast*
Harry: Why are there only Slytherin banners?
Hermione: Because we lost all our points by breaking the rules.
Harry: But I burned the Dark Lord like he was a Winchester woman.
Hermione: And there go the Supernatural fans.
Dumbledore: If I could have your attention please *everyone shuts up* Now, why are we here? *no-one answers* Please, someone remind me.
McGonagall: It's the end of the school year.
Dumbledore: Again? We just had one of those.
McGonagall: Yes, last year.
Dumbledore: No, I mean the one with the singing hat, and the…
McGonagall: That was the start of the school year.
Dumbledore: Again? We just had one of those.
McGonagall: For fuck's sake, just read out the house points.
Dumbledore: Okay, let's see…Hufflepuff are on three hundred and fifty two, Ravenclaw are on four hundred and twenty six, Slytherin are on four hundred and seventy two, and Gryffindor are on four hundred and eighty two.
McGonagall: Um, Professor, Gryffindor are only on three hundred and twelve points.
Dumbledore: And?
McGonagall: I mean I know Potter, Weasley, and Granger saved everyone, but they also broke almost every rule the school has.
Dumbledore: That's exactly why they're getting those points. Also, Nevelle Longbottom got a few.
McGonagall: Why?
Dumbledore: Because I laughed so hard at him getting beaten up by a girl that it unclogged the bowels. Now *claps hands, changing banners from Slytherin to Gryffindor* Let's eat.
McGonagall: *sigh* Why they let you be in charge of children is beyond me.
*on the train home*
Hermione: So apparently every important character passed this year.
Harry: Except Crabbe and Goyle.
Hermione: Nope, they passed.
Harry: How?
Hermione: Snape gave them good enough grades in Potions to average a pass.
Harry: That seems like a very bad system.
Ron: I'm kinda shock at Neville passing.
Hermione: What can I say, he was good at Herbology.
Ron: Yeah, I guess. I mean, there was that funny looking tomato plant he started growing.
Harry: For the last time, that wasn't a tomato, it was…
Hermione: Hey, King's Cross. We're almost home.
*on the platform. Everyone tries to leave at once*
Guard: Whoa, hold on. You can't all leave at once. What would the muggles say about a thousand kids suddenly appearing out of a pillar?
Fred: That's what we're trying to find out. Now move *leads charge through the barrier*
*in the muggle world*
Ginny: Mum, look, it's Harry Potter.
Molly: Yes dear, and Ron's with him.
Ginny: Tell him I'm calling dibs.
*in the carpark*
Vernon: See, told you it didn't exist.
Harry: Have you been waiting here since September?
Vernon: Well, yeah. We weren't going to be arrested for child abandonment.
Harry: Did Dudley even go to school in the last year?
Petunia: Of course not. We've been sitting here in the car for the last nine months. Seriously child, you make it sound like we did something wrong.
Harry: You kinda did. Well, whatever, let's go home. We gotta wait for Kieran to delay Chamber of Secrets.
Author's note: Sorry this took so long. Things became a bit busy. Well, back to Total Drama, then (hopefully) Chamber of Secrets before the end of the year.