2. Pig in a Pen

[Eren]

I woke up to a tingling hand — freaking pins and needles. But as I tried to reposition, I was met with a loud clang and a sharp pain in my wrist, and my hand seemed to be stuck in place. I panicked for a moment, before I remembered my shackles. I looked at the bedpost and sighed.

Another prison, I thought to myself. If I felt like a pig in a pen before, well, now I was a pig on a leash in a cage in a pen.

I gave a small chuckle, and then the screech of a chair leg on the hard stone floor reached my ears and I jumped up in surprise.

It was dark, my breathing loud, but a moment later there was the zip of a match being lit and a yellow light fizzled from the other side of the bars. I watched the trail of light follow the Captain as he leaned down to pick up a candle from the floor and light the wick inside, before turning his stare towards me.

"My apologies, Eren," he said, blowing out the match. "I didn't mean to startle you."

I realised I was holding my breath. Why had Captain Levi been sitting there while I was sleeping? "I — um, that's alright, sir. Wha … what are you doing here?"

He ever so slightly rolled his eyes and my heart quickened. "Don't you ever listen? I have to keep you under surveillance, that means twenty-four hours."

"Oh." I straightened up and looked down at my bound hands. "I didn't realise that meant watching me sleep as well."

He gave a small disgruntled noise. "I'm not so much watching as standing by in case something happens. The shitty glasses wants to know about your mental state to see if that has anything to do with this titan ability of yours. If I left her to do it she'd keep you up all night chatting again, and I'm the only other person she trusts."

"How are you meant to get any rest?"

He paused. "I don't sleep very much," he said shortly.

I looked up shyly and our eyes met. "So … what do you do?"

He shrugged. "I try."

There was a silence, which seemed to last very long in the chilly atmosphere, and then he inhaled deeply.

"I realise this seems a little odd. I guess I should have told you earlier to avoid this awkward moment, but this is just the arrangement we have to deal with." He took in another breath as if to keep talking, but then he just looked at me and nothing more came out.

I stared at him. Was he for real? How was I supposed to sleep with him here? It wasn't that I was necessarily scared of him, but his tenseness was suffocating. Not to mention my unease at being around the Corporal, once again bound in chains.

"We have to stop meeting like this," I laughed, raising my cuffed arms.

He glared at me under heavy eyelids, with not even a glimmer of amusement in them. I felt a bead of sweat on my temple. I couldn't handle this guy much longer.

"What do you see, Eren?"

On my knees in the corner, I stared at the wall. Right there, between the floor and the skirting board was a delicate silvery net.

"It's a cobweb, sir."

"It's a spider's web, actually. Do you know the difference?" I shook my head. The Captain sighed. "A cobweb is just a spider web that is no longer in use. That's why they gather dust. But do you see dust in this one?" I shook my head again. What the hell was the point of this lesson? "The presence of this web indicates there is a filthy spider living in this room. Your lacklustre cleaning means we would end up sharing our current residence with this disgusting creature."

"I'm sorry, sir, but you had to pull the wardrobe out just to find the web. I've cleaned the place three times from top to bottom—"

I felt a shuddering pain shoot up my body and I fell forward onto my hands. Captain Levi had kicked me up the ass. I clenched my teeth. How humiliating. This crazy clean freak …

"You obviously didn't do as thorough a job as you're making yourself believe. Tell me, Eren, how am I to trust you as my comrade in battle if you can't even clean behind a fucking wardrobe?"

I said nothing. I couldn't fathom how cleaning had anything to do with fighting titans, but I kept my mouth shut.

The fact that I couldn't see him made him all the more intimidating. I wasn't brave enough to turn around and see what he looked like right now, to see if his face resembled itself at the trial. His eyes cold and staring, his dominance overwhelming. I panted, unsure of what I was feeling. I resented the way he abused his power … so why did I respect it all the same?

I heard him sigh from behind me. What was going through his mind when he was doing this to me? "Clear that away and then you're dismissed. The rest looks fine, but it took you long enough."

"Thank you, Captain," I said breathlessly, and felt his footsteps resounding through my hands and knees as he strolled to the door. There he paused, and suddenly I felt the courage to turn my head to look at him.

He stood so still with his hand on the doorknob that I thought he could have been a statue, and yet he was staring down at me with living, calculating eyes. I felt like my whole body was a swelling furnace, burning with chagrin, my chest heaving with each furious breath. His brow knitted slightly, and then he was gone.

I wiped out that fucking cobweb like it was a fucking titan breeding ground. Humanity's greatest soldier? More like world's most obsessive housewife.

My first day as part of squad Levi, my first day as a real member of the scouts, did not go quite as I expected. The others seemed like decent folk, but the man himself was unapproachable and abrasive. And he seemed to have developed a special dislike to me, although Petra assured me he was like this with everyone when he first met them. Apparently he would grow warmer to me in time. I wasn't sure if I wanted that, exactly. Maybe keeping my distance was a safer bet, given he was the type of person to reprimand me so humiliatingly over a stupid cobweb.

He made it clear he was my boss, not my friend.

"What were you chuckling at?"

I inhaled sharply and looked at him now, checking his face. Despite his question he still look as disinterested as ever. The candlelight hit his face from one side and threw the rest into shadow. His eyes bored into me, darkly circled and inscrutable.

"Ah — what?"

"Just now," he explained slowly, as if speaking to a half-wit, "you let out a small laugh. I was wondering what kind of amusement you stumbled upon inside your head at this time of night."

"Oh — haha," I laughed nervously. Why was I nervous? The Captain making amiable conversation made me uncomfortable, to start with. I tried to remember my thoughts from moments after I woke up. "Oh … I was just thinking how all my life I felt trapped inside the walls. That's why I wanted to become a soldier in the first place, you know, to venture outside. I thought when I joined the scouts I would finally be fighting for my freedom. But now I'm being held inside a castle, in a caged room, and chained to my own bed." I laughed darkly again. "I'm more trapped than ever. I just thought that was kinda funny."

I looked up to see the Captain observing the bars that separated us, his head cocked to one side. His eyes returned to my face and I could see the candlelight flickering in them. "You know the difference, though, right? If not then you're even dumber than I ever gave you credit for."

I frowned. How was one supposed to reply to such an insult? If I asked him what he meant then I was proving myself an idiot. But, honestly, I had no idea what he was talking about. "What do you mean?" I asked sheepishly.

"I mean, there's a difference between following the orders of your superiors and being dominated by titans. Our imprisonment in these walls because of the titans is out of your control, however you chose to join the scouts and in doing so entrusted your rights to your leaders. Your current state is your own doing, Eren. It is completely in your control."

"But, Captain, I didn't ask to sleep all chained up in the cellar."

"Do you think we were wrong to decide this for you?"

"No, I understand why it's necessary, but —"

"You understand that this power of yours needs to be kept under control, and right now that is what you are doing. That's the difference, Eren. This is self-control. This is what makes you different from a titan."

I thought for a moment. Was it true? Was I really any different from a titan? I had the strength of one, yes, and I was such a threat to the more cowardly humans that they had wanted to kill me. In that way, what made me any different from Sonny and Bean?

Well, I didn't choose to have the titan power, for one thing. I looked at Captain, who simply yawned and rubbed his neck. He was my superior, and it was on the word of his superior that I was chained up down here. But I trusted the judgement of my commander, and of the world's greatest soldier. As a unit we were all one mind, and so in that sense I was here of my own volition. I was powerful — yes — and it was my responsibility that that power went into the good of mankind.

I thought back to my feelings at the trial. Humiliating as it was to take a beating in front of so many people, to be shown as so weak and worthless ... and yet I found it nothing short of exhilarating. Why?

"I guess these chains just show how powerful I am," I said, clenching my fist in front of me. "I guess I should be proud of them. But they still just kind of make me feel like an animal."

"You are an animal," Captain said grimly. "I'm gonna slaughter every last titan, weren't those your words? Your determination is admirable but your haste may get the better of you if, as I assume, you're the type who doesn't know when to fight and when to retreat. And now that you're our best asset for fighting back, it will have cost us a hell of a lot more than just your own life if you go and stupidly get yourself killed." He paused for a moment and we stared at each other, while my awareness of my immobility heightened drastically. Eventually, he was the one to look away with a short sigh. "Yeah. These chains will do you good, boy."

I swallowed. And suddenly I saw Thomas. Thomas, with his eyes wide in shock, hanging upside-down out of that abnormal's mouth at Trost. I was consumed with so much fury, so much hatred, I thought it made me invincible. I rushed back instead of continuing on, and before I knew what had happened I was lying half-dead on a rooftop, so blinded with pain that all I could do was listen while my squad were being devoured behind me. I wasn't angry anymore, I wasn't even horrified. I thought it was the end.

Despite the fire that had fuelled me through the five years since Shiganshina — through the trauma, the grieving, and the hardship of poverty and of training — it wasn't enough to let me last longer than a few seconds against one single titan. Had I even laid a scrape on the beast?

Suddenly, I began crying. Captain was right, I was so stupid ... hasty ... irresponsible. And now it was even more important that I lived. Was I going to be able to control myself, when it all came down to it? Were they right to put their faith in me? I didn't look up at him, and he didn't say a word.

Here was a master of self-control. I guess we were polar opposites in that way, but since he was mankind's greatest warrior for a reason and I was only mankind's greatest hope by accident, I thought that it might do me good to take a leaf out of his book. Hey, maybe that was even the meaning of the excessive cleaning exercise, too.

He sure was an impressive person, but just not quite in the way I had expected.

I looked over at him. Even now, he stared back at me solidly, making it entirely impossible to read his expression. "I think you're probably right, Captain," I hiccoughed, mortified, but also a little motivated. "I will relish this as an exercise in self-control."

I smiled wetly at him, but his face didn't change at all. I just wished I knew what he was thinking.

"Just get some sleep, Eren."

I frowned, a little disappointed, but lay my head down obediently. That was all he had to say? He probably already regretted wasting his breath on a foolish brat like me.

Maybe I was like that, but I could change. And I was determined to change his mind about me.

"Goodnight, sir," I said quietly.

He shushed me, and I turned to get a last look at him as he blew out the candle. His lips pursed briefly, and I felt myself exhale along with him.

Then, it was dark. And all the sounds were very loud in the dark, and I had never been so aware of my own breathing. I realised that this was probably the first time that the Captain and I had ever had any sort of meaningful conversation all alone like this. I didn't know how, but somehow amidst the insults and accusations he had actually managed to comfort me.

He may have been there to protect the others from me if I lost control, but it made me feel safe knowing he was there.

(My ass still hurt, though.)