WARNING: Eren can be a little TOO ROMANTIC. Also, my chapters are getting longer...

4. Centaur Levi

[Eren]

Hanje-san was a sweet cherub with the bow of love, and the arrow that struck was named Levi.

It had all seemed confusing when she first mentioned those things — Domination? Submission? Sado-masochism? I was horrified. Was it not wrong to have such relationships; wasn't it abusive? I felt disgusted, and the fact that Levi was openly involved in such things made me sick. What kind of person could do that to another human? How could Hanje laugh about it?

But with the feeling that overcame me when Levi bore down on me, my melting at his grip, it all began to make sense. The way he looked at me had always made my stomach erupt into butterflies, but now I realised that this was not sickness, but love.

It was not wrong to yearn to feel my Captain's power. The true feelings of my heart could not be suppressed. I lay awake all night, my chained state suddenly enjoyable, the memory of his presence suddenly exciting. Bondage, that was the word the angel had used. This was what she meant. I imagined him climbing on top of me as my hands were chained above my head and I could barely breath for the elation it surged through me.

I wished I could go find him now and beg him to take me. Then, when he obliged, I would find out what kind of things went on in a Captain's bed. But, I couldn't. My hands were tied.

Literally.

I felt liberated, but I still had no idea what any of it really meant. Only he could show me. Would he become my Master, and I his slave? What would he do to me? It was beyond my imagination, but I had never been so eager to discover. This was more than the common gropings of girls and boys. This was adulterous, erotic, perverse — and it was seriously arousing. This was an adventure beyond the walls of innocence, and he was my guide.

Everything suddenly made sense: why I had never felt enticed by the same girls my friends liked, or why regular sex didn't appeal to me the way it did to the other boys. I realised why my feelings for Levi were so confused and conflicted — it was his power I yearned for, his cold exterior I desperately wanted to breach, and his true form I needed to experience for myself. His presence could make me stammer, his touch made me weak, his passion made me fall to my knees. He was the one I wanted more than anything or anyone.

And now he hated me, all because I was too scared to admit it.

A long week had passed since that night, and I had barely seen Captain Levi at all. I didn't know if he was avoiding me, or if he simply didn't care. I remembered the kiss with both a leap of my heart and a gaping pit in my stomach. For one fleeting moment — I thought I had found it. I thought it was right. But I was a disgusting stupid brat and I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

I wished I could make him understand: I was a different person before. I didn't understand the virtue of punishment, of submission, of giving up control. "These chains will do you good, boy." Had he known all along? This strange, scary, smallish man was someone I had only recently met, and yet I felt as if he knew me better than I knew myself. But now I could see: it — he — was all I had ever wanted or needed. I was done denying it, I was ready to succumb to his power.

I would tell him so, when I got the chance. Hopefully, this time, without calling him a pervert first. Until then I revelled in the rules and restraints that bound me at the headquarters. This wasn't easy without the presence of my Captain to keep me motivated. One particularly glum day, a distraction came along as I was cleaning out the stables after training with the squad. When I emerged, I gasped to see the short blonde boy and the girl with the red scarf.

"Hey, Mikasa! Armin!"

The sun was setting, and the reunion was bittersweet. My friends had all followed me into the scouts, even Jean, but Marco had been killed at Trost.

Another friend lost. Another soldier slain. Again, it was my fault. If I hadn't taken so long to move that boulder, maybe Marco would be here smiling at us in that bashful way of his.

On a sidenote: I had never considered myself batting for the other team before, but now everything from freckles to a horse-face seemed more attractive all of a sudden. How had I not realised this before? But of course, they were nothing — NOTHING! — compared to my Captain.

But, yeah. I think I could safely say I was gay.

I had little time to come to terms with this, however, as I was thrown back into the harsh reality of our situation and of my standing. I had the Captain, I had his squad protecting me, but the others had nothing but their own skill and dumb luck. A guilty stomach stewing, I trailed behind to talk to Armin as the others wandered back to the barracks for curfew.

"You guys are really going to be taking part in the upcoming mission?"

He nodded, biting his lip. Fuck, even Armin was kind of cute. "The Commander told us straight up before we even enlisted in the scouts, but I can't figure out why. I mean if he hadn't said anything there'd be more of us — and as much as it sucks to say it I'm sure they'd rather have more recruits to take the bulk of the death-toll, rather than losing the scouts with more experience. I don't know if he was making sure that only the bravest joined, or if there's something else. I was wondering … if, maybe, he was trying to weed out the ones he could really trust."

I nodded thoughtfully. Armin had more of a head for tactics than I ever would, but I was still curious at what was missing from what Commander Erwin had told us. Did Levi know? Suddenly, my eyes were widening at something else. If perhaps Commander Erwin was warning the cowards away, a harsh way of picking out those worthy of trust … could it be that Levi had been doing the the same with me? Telling me off, acting all disgusted, ignoring me all week — was it a test?

As the last thought crossed my mind, a deep voice called out from the dark.

"Hey, Eren, just because your friends have joined us doesn't mean your sleeping arrangements have changed."

Levi was leaning against the wall of the barracks, arms crossed, glaring at me. Armin looked from him to me curiously, and I jumped to attention. "Yes, sir! I was just saying goodnight to my comrade."

Levi's eyes narrowed, and Armin gave a salute. "Armin Arlert, sir. It's an honour to meet—"

"You're training with me tomorrow, Eren," he said shortly, and before I had a chance to reply he had already stalked off. Armin and I gaped after him.

"Heh," breathed Armin shakily. "I always thought Captain Levi looked so intimidating, but it seems in real life he's even more formidable." I nodded, staring after my Captain. Armin had no idea. "What did he mean by your sleeping arrangements?"

I averted my eyes, blushing a little, and explained the situation to him.

Armin was shocked. "Well, I guess it makes sense, but I can't imagine spending a night with that guy." My face went hot, thankfully it was hidden in the dark. "But he called you by your first name, Eren. He must somewhat respect you."

"I dunno, he seems to do that with everyone as far as I can tell."

I found myself surprised at recognising that fact. Had I already picked up on this subconsciously? Was I hoping, searching for a little glimmer of affection, any tiny difference in the way he treated me compared to the others?

"Not me," he pointed out. "He didn't even acknowledge my existence."

I thought about this, but it didn't seem worth putting much hope into. Why should he give a shit about a shitty new recruit like Armin? The only reason he gave any shits about me was because I had been forced onto his squad out of pure luck. He didn't care about me — why would he?

I sighed heavily. "Armin, what do you know about love?"

Armin tensed up. "Well, I'm not sure how to describe it myself, but I've seen from observation that it's sort of like having the utmost respect for someone else, so much so that you'd put their life and needs before your own. But … why would you ask me something like that right now, Eren?"

I gazed into the dark. I would sleep alone tonight with no visit from my Heichou. This was punishment for my mistake, but tomorrow I would have my chance to fix it.

"No reason," I replied.

Armin looked at me curiously, but I just bade him goodnight. He went to join the others in the barracks, while I returned to my lonely cell.

"Oi, Eren," I heard a deep voice call. It was soothing, the grass tickled my face and the sun shone hotly down. I remembered a dream I was having, but the one who woke me from my sleep was better than any fantasy.

"Get up, you fucking sloth. How did you even manage to fall off your horse?"

I wrinkled my brow and blinked my eyes in the sunlight. A large shadowy figure blocked out the sun and trotted around me. It was … a creature with the torso of a man and the legs of a horse. Well, I was discovering all sorts of fetishes recently. Mythical creatures could do, and long as he had a nice big …

A throbbing pain between my legs snapped my mind back to reality.

Levi hopped down from his horse as I lay back and rubbed my face. As I tried to rise, a whimper escaped me. What had just happened? I looked down and saw my white pants had turned brownish-red on the inside of my thighs.

Kneeling down beside me, Levi inhaled sharply. "Man, you got pretty bad saddle burn there." He reached out as if to touch my leg, but stopped. I looked up at him, my heart going fast, and he pursed his lips while looking at my legs. "Hold on a second, I've got some first aid supplies. You should tell me about something like this before it gets so bad you pass out from the pain, alright?"

I nodded meekly. "Yes, Centaur Levi." I froze. "I mean — I mean Captain Levi!" Levi narrowed his eyes at me, his expression as deadpan as ever, as my face turned a violent shade of magenta.

He blew out between pursed lips in an unamused manner, and got up to rummage in his saddlebag. Face burning, I watched him from behind. He had discarded his scouts cloak and was in just his slim shirt. He was so short, and yet his stature did not diminish him at all. Captain was slight but his body was lean and well-adapted to ODM, plus he had the posture and presence of a much taller man. And, somehow, he always seemed to have me in a position where he could look down on me. I wondered if he had noticed that.

I gazed up at him. His neck was glistening with sweat, his hair slicked back. I wondered what it would be like to be able to come up behind him on my knees so that when he turned around I was in — what he'd call — the perfect kicking position. It was also the perfect position for something else.

This demon cherub had turned my thoughts foul. And I fucking loved it.

On the other hand, he might simply turn around and scold me for approaching him with dirty intentions … I wondered what kind of punishment would be in store for me for such a transgression.

I looked around the field but it was totally deserted. We were alone, and no prison bars were separating us now. I swallowed as he came back to me with gauze and cream, kneeling down again.

He looked down at my legs, and I felt suddenly extremely self-conscious about my package in these tight trousers. His hair covered his face as he pulled at my ODM straps, his touch sending shocks of heat up into my groin. I held my breath, praying to the wall goddesses I didn't believe in that he didn't notice.

"I think your straps were on too tight, so they rubbed together and increased friction against your skin. This is important if you're not used to riding with gear on," he said flatly. My mouth fell agape. Riding with gear on — what would that be like? Could he suspend me from the ceiling with my ropes and hooks? I blinked furiously against the images, and willed away the gentle throb between my legs that had nothing to with the saddle sores. He hadn't noticed my reaction; the unbearable but inexorable imaginings brought on by his innocent words. He would never notice the things he did to me. "Get it right next time, brat."

I nodded fervently, my face quite warm. Our eyes met for a moment, and I watched his Adam's apple bob beneath his silky cravat as he swallowed.

"Well, I'd help you with bandaging it up but I don't want you to think I'm perving on you," he said coldly. My stomach erupted with burning guilt as he echoed my slanderous, blasphemous words from that fateful evening. Meanwhile, my head was spinning with visions of him unbuttoning my pants, pulling them down around my ankles, and doing WAY more than just tending my wounds.

"Ah — I'm sorry, sir," I said quickly. "I wanted to apologise—"

"Don't bother," he said, shoving the bandages at me. "Just go over there and do it yourself."

I nodded, and limped over to lean against the nearest tree. I slowly peeled my trousers down, watched them sticking to the pus and blood of my thighs. I shuddered, and peered around the side of the tree curiously. The Captain was looking in the other direction. He probably would never look at me the same again. I mean, I didn't really know how he might have looked at me before I called him a fucking pervert, but his view of me certainly must have changed since then.

I stared after him for a moment, wishing I had said nothing that night. Would he be helping me right now, if I hadn't said those stupid things? I had insulted him so much, and for what? To mask my excitement, to hide my shameful desires?

I cursed myself, wincing at the pain, and threw myself down at the roots of the tree. If I had said nothing, he might have been the one to wrap up my legs, his pale hands surprisingly delicate as they rubbed the paste into my sores, his hand glimpsing higher up on my thigh every so often. He'd claim that it was all accidental, but I'd know better. I could have watched his face while he worked, his black hair falling down into his eyes, grey-blue and analytic. Might he have noticed what his touch was doing to me, seen the bulge in my shorts, and relieved me of my suffering?

I shuddered, rejecting my arousal. This was not the time. I peeked around again, but of course he wasn't watching. It was so hot and my entire lower body was tingling with desire. He was stroking his horse's nose gently and then yawned, stretching excruciatingly so that I could see the way his back and shoulder muscles contracted and relaxed again beneath his clothes. He had his face turned, and I let my hand wandered down to my crotch with guilty curiosity. Maybe it was the time, if I really couldn't help myself. But what if he caught me right now? — fuck, the idea just seemed to turn me on even more. Maybe he would see how desperate I was for him to do whatever he wished to my body. And what would he want to do with me? Despite my inexperience, I wanted to be a good slave for him. If I did, would he reward me? Take my virginity against this tree?

My dick pulsed furiously. I had only thought of it now, but I had never done it with a man before. I mean, I had never done it with anyone before but I had never considered the whole penetration aspect … And being the penetrated one. And despite wanting Captain to fuck me if he wanted to, I had no idea what kind of trip I would be in for. As I rubbed my dick I let my free hand venture further down, my head dizzy with the thrill of this new experience. I rubbed my finger over my taint and down to the hole, gasping at how sensitive it was to my touch. I applied a pressure just a little, and felt it resounding in my cock.

"Hey, what's taking so long?"

I jumped about a mile, but luckily he had called out in his impatience instead of coming over to see for himself. Burying my dick back into my underwear, I quickly finished off the bandages and pulled my trousers up sheepishly. As I got up and walked back over to him, the tingling didn't seem to wash away even as the blood rushed back to the rest of my body. My hands were itching now, too.

I walked up to Captain, blushing furiously. He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Eren," he said slowly, making my heartbeat quicken, "let me see your hands."

I opened my mouth, confused, my mind spinning. How did he know? How could he tell? Shakily, I displayed him my hands. He couldn't … smell my dick on my hands, could he?

Was it a good smell?

My palms were so itchy that I looked down as well. They were red, and little white bumps were appearing all over them.

"You stupid bastard, did you get stung by nettles or something?"

I realised the tingling wasn't coming from my arousal at all.

I shifted uncomfortably, the tingling quickly turning into pinpricks all over my hands, legs, and elsewhere I'd rather not mention. "Sir, I think it's possible that I sat in them."

Levi stared at me. "So your ass is feeling itchy too, huh?" I nodded. Oh fuck. What could have possibly been crossing his mind right now? His glare was impenetrable, I couldn't tell if he wanted to laugh or to hit me or to tackle me to the ground and rip my clothes off. All he did was make an annoyed noise. "How did you even manage that through your clothes, unless you look your underpants off to tend your sores as well?"

I closed my eyes and nodded once more in embarrassment.

I heard him groan. "Sit down."

He went about looking for dock leaves to sooth the itching while I sat in a simmering pool of humiliation and prickly pain. When he returned I began rubbing the leaves furiously between my hands. He grabbed me to stop. "You're doing it wrong. The sting comes from the nettle hairs that break off and penetrate into your skin. If you rub them around it only irritates it more." He had lost me at the word penetrate. As I watched, he bit off a bit of a fresh leaf and chewed it. His lips moving gently against each other, his tongue working the leaf around to moisten it with his own sweet saliva. Then he removed the wad from his mouth and began dabbing it against my stings with a pale, slender hand. I stayed as still as possible, my mind and loins now possibly exploding. My fantasy seemed to be coming true right in front of me.

If only my dick didn't feel so itchy …

It wasn't often I saw the Captain being so tender, and never had I experienced him being this good-natured towards me. It made me brave. "Captain, um, I still want to apologise for the things I said the other night."

He didn't look up. "Forget it. I realise that what Hanje said confused you. I know what you must think of me, and I'm horrified that I gave you that impression." He paused and stopped dabbing my stings, and just looked my hand for a moment. I held my breath, too stunned to speak. "I want to assure you that I'm not the type of leader who takes advantage of his subordinates. I am aware that some others use their authority to give indecent orders or coerce men into forbidden sexual relationships. However, in my squad I respect the rules and my men, and I promise I have no intentions of forcing you into anything like that."

He looked up and met my eyes. His usually steely grey irises had turned soft, his mouth pressed into a reinforced little line. It looked like it was hard for him, and my heart beat faster in excitement. So he didn't hate me, not at all! He had just been feeling guilty! He had mistaken my kiss for one which was involuntary, as if I had felt obliged to become a toy for him because he was my superior and he could order me to do so. But that wasn't it at all! The only way in which I was compelled was because of the magnetic pull of my heart to his. Captain was so rule-abiding and good, it made my yearning all the stronger.

"Eren." He uttered my name alone to finish his speech, as if it spoke volumes in itself.

"Captain …" I said, lowering my eyes shyly, but smiling as my heart swelled. I reached out and took his pale hand tightly in mine. "You misunderstood. You wouldn't have to coerce me at all."

He didn't say anything, but remained completely still.

"I only said those things because I was ashamed of my own desires. But now I understand, there is nothing shameful about these things at all." He suddenly rose to his feet and turned away. I got to my knees. "I — I was wondering if you could tell me a bit more about those things Hanje mentioned … this is all new to me but I know you are more experienced and can tell me how this bondage would work—"

"Eren," he said sharply. "Who the hell do you think you're talking to?"

I froze, and tightened my fist around the soggy wad of leaf I was still holding onto.

He turned his head, looking down on me like I was a great big pile of shit he had just stepped in. Or, since it was Levi, maybe more like a tiny speck of mud on his newly polished boots. "I'm not a sex ed teacher, nor one of your fellow trainees." His eyes had turned dark, and he averted them quickly when I looked too close. "This is … really fucking inappropriate."

I swallowed nervously, my stomach becoming a very deep well. Tears pricked my eyes, but I could not give up. Because however inappropriate our kiss had been that night, he had not reprimanded me. He did not seem angry, he didn't make fun of me or call me a brat or punish me like a superior would for improper behaviour. What else could explain his pause, his silence, his eyes avoiding mine, just like they were right now? There had to be something. There was still hope enough to find out the truth. "Sir, I'm sorry, but am I right to think your only reluctance about this is that it's forbidden? It's not …" I took a deep breath for bravery. "It's not because you don't feel the same?"

"It doesn't matter," he replied a little too fast, but in his face I saw it and my inner titan sang. He couldn't deny it, because it was true. He wanted it too. His eyes widened as he saw my look of joy, his wall breaking piece by piece. When he spoke, his voice was a pitch too deep. "Eren, you have to forget about this. I never want to hear you spouting crap like this again. Do you understand?"

For a moment I couldn't figure out why he was acting like this. Why couldn't he admit it? But then I recalled the idea that Armin had put into my head.

"You'd better forget about this — this entire conversation and anything else you may be thinking about. That's an order, Eren."

I smiled sadly. It was he who made the rules, after all, and he who gave the commands. I understood now: this was how it was going to be. I could deal with that. It would be worth it — if I could pass this test. For Levi was simply pushing me away, beating me down to give me a chance to prove my devotion to him. If he ordered me to stay away, I would do it. If he told me to wait, I would not move until he returned. If he hit me when I disobeyed, I would take it willingly and savour his passion. I didn't know how long it would take, but I would prove to him that I could follow his every command.

Only then would he make me his own.

My Master looked down at me as I knelt before him. His face was guarded, his fists clenched. I had come to realise that these features were ones that gave away his feelings; despite successfully controlling himself, that was not to say he found it easy. He was honourable, and the strongest person I had ever met. I would prove myself worthy, no matter what it took.

I bowed my head in reverence. "I will do anything you say, Levi Heichou."