Sorry for taking so long, as usual I was using writing as a distraction for studying... until the exams actually happened! Hope you enjoy a super cute conflicted Captain in this chapter to make up for it... Don't forget to review! :D

5. Sanitation

~Levi~

I was screaming inside. I was screaming inside. I was screaming inside.

That boy was born to bow before me, and I so badly wanted to be the one to put him on his knees. He belonged in chains. He knew it, too. And he was determined. Despite acting so submissive he was surprisingly willing to make the first move.

Stupid fucking horny teenager. As if I hadn't wondered why he took his underwear off to sit in a pile of nettles. As if I hadn't put a wad of dirty leaf in my mouth because he was such an idiot and I couldn't fucking help myself. Filthy bastard. I'd swear he had done it all on purpose: the disgusting creature wanted me to rub some dock leaves on his ass and his dick too, I suppose.

My mind groaned. I was screaming inside.

At least the boy had some sense: Eren was finally staying away from me. Just like I had told him to.

And that's where the problem lay.

If he would follow my orders so devotedly, so intensely, so unquestionably … what else could I order him to do?

I stood in front of the bathroom sink, my freshly washed hair dripping down my face while I brushed vigorously under my nails with the scrubber. Dirty. Filthy. Everything. Everywhere. I glanced up, catching my own weary eyes in the mirror. My pale skin was flushed pink from the cold shower, and I dropped the scrubber and examined my hands, wrinkled and sensitive from my attempts to remove any remnants of skin that had touched him. My tongue lolled out of my mouth at the memory of chewing on a leaf I had picked up off the ground. Fucking gross. I grabbed my toothbrush and began brushing fiercely, rubbing the bristles down my tongue until I gagged and spat into the sink.

I watched the white foam get swallowed up by the drain and shuddered, glancing back up at my own face.

"You're disgusting," I told myself, as a backsplash of toothpaste on the mirror caught my eye. I looked around, locating my favourite washcloth and then scrambled through the bathroom cabinet to find my special formula. I spritzed it onto the cloth, and lifted it to my face for a moment to smell the lemony clean freshness. I sighed, my body relaxing slightly, as I wiped the mirror spotless.

Then I noticed the shower had gotten a little grimy, so I cleaned that, too. Then I moved onto my bedroom, then the hall, then the entire second floor. Suddenly, it was a few days later and I had made my way all around the castle. Cleaning and screaming inside. Screaming inside, and cleaning.

I cleaned. We ignored each other. That should have been it, right? That should have been the end of the whole pathetic affair. He was just a kid, after all. I was sure he'd have another crush by the end of the week. As for me … well, I'd survive. I always did.

The last room to clean was a glass conservatory on the far side of the castle, overlooking the extensive grounds. I left this until last because it was used as a sort of shitty greenhouse, and after Petra and Gunther had insisted on refilling all the flowerpots there were horrifying spiders practically everywhere. But with my hair and mouth neatly wrapped up under white cloths, I was getting the job done.

I was too busy cleaning that I didn't see the squad approaching from the grounds until Oluo had walked right into the glass door.

I looked over, seeing a greasy face print staining the outside of the glass, and ripped the cloth from my mouth. "I just fucking cleaned that!" I shouted, storming over and wrenching the door open.

"Well, sorry, Cap. Your cleaning is just too damn good!" he whined, rubbing his nose as he entered with Petra fussing behind him.

I stood holding the door open as the squad filed in, Eren coming in at the rear.

"Captain," said Eld, once they were all inside. "We came to say farewell. We're just about to set out."

Eren stood with his eyes fixed on his feet and his hands wringing nervously behind his back, and the sight of his shitty posture made me clench the towel in my hand. I held my breath, and turned my eyes to Eld. "What do you mean, set out?"

The man scratched his little beard. "Uh, it's the weekend before the mission, sir," he explained. "We have the right to visit our families." He paused, and they all looked at each other. "Don't we?"

I turned my back, cringing for a moment. How the fuck long had I been cleaning for? We had been training on horseback back when the nettle-sting incident occurred, apparently that was three weeks ago at this stage. I had to stop myself from gagging again. I had been cleaning solidly since then, whenever we weren't training for the recon mission. And what had been the point? I still couldn't even look at the kid without some ridiculous reaction. "Yeah, yeah, right," I said quickly, carefully wiping the glass clean once more. "Time seems to have gotten away from me a bit."

"Well, they say time flies when you're having fun," said Oluo. "And you have been cleaning a lot, so no surprises there."

"Sir, is everything alright?" Petra started. "You've seemed … distracted for a few weeks now."

"I'm fine," I said, turning around with an unconvincingly straight face.

She smiled back, and began to blush. "Well, have you packed your things yet to return home?"

"Home?" I asked, leaning against the window. "No, no. I usually just stay behind with the remaining troops."

I stole a glance at Eren, who was still concerned only with his shoelaces. Was he leaving, too? Or would we have the castle to ourselves?

I felt a shiver on my neck, and looked down to see a tiny spider who had taken residence on my shoulder. I froze, and attempted not to hyperventilate as I reached up and flicked it.

"Well, since the mission is leaving from the Karanese District — and that's where my family lives, you see — you're completely welcome to join me there. My father would be so delighted to meet you …"

"Hm?" I asked, wiping my finger in the washcloth distractedly. When I looked up I found Petra with an expectant face, and my stomach turned over with guilt. "Ah, no, Petra. Thank you, but I expect I'll be needed here." I cleared my throat. "Well, enjoy your weekends, all of you."

I turned back around, rubbing the glass with the cloth just to hide my face. I counted four pairs of footsteps leave, and four voices bid me farewell. Finally, they were gone. I sighed, lowering the cloth, and stared through the window watching my squad laughing as they departed through the grounds.

I squinted, trying to see the reflection of the boy behind me in the glass.

"Have a nice time at home, Eren," I muttered eventually.

He gave a short inhalation of breath. "Oh, I won't be going anywhere, Captain," he said. "I don't have a home, either."

"Oh, right," I said dumbly. Duh. Fuck. He was from Shiganshina, after all. I knew that. How insensitive I was! Too cooped up in distracting myself from this disgusting obsession with the boy to even remember any little bit of information about him. Well, that was lust for you. I sighed. "Well, in that case, why don't you spend your few free days with your friends from the 104th squad?"

"Ah, yes, sir. I intend to!" he said. I stole a glance around to see him giving a heartfelt salute, his eyes still downcast. I continued watching, cocking my head to the side. He hadn't looked at me in weeks. I didn't know why it surprised me. But I knew very well why it bothered me.

I paused, gritting my teeth. "Well, what are you standing there for? You're dismissed."

"Um … sir?" A blush creeped across his cheeks. The shock of colour on his tanned skin, his eyes downcast and shy … it truly was the picture of perfection.

I gulped. Clean the feelings away, Levi. I turned back to the window, but it was shining already. I cast around, but the whole place was spotless. "Uh," I began, before I spotted a large creepy crawly on the side of one of the flowerpots and crossed quickly to the other side of the room. "Yes?"

"I was just thinking, since the others are gone … there's no one left on the squad to keep guard on the cellar at night, is there?"

I froze. His head was still bowed. His neck must have been hurting by now. "Yeah … what do you suppose we do about that, huh?" I asked slowly. He didn't reply so I paused, pretending to think. "I could get someone from another squad to do it, I guess."

"Oh — but didn't Hanje-san say she only trusted you to do it? And since you stopped, you delegated it to only your squad members instead?" I raised my eyebrows and he tried to continue, but only came out with a frantic jumble.

"What's your solution then, Eren?"

I watched him closely as his mouth opened and a small adorable noise came out right before he said, "Well, I … I just wouldn't protest if you came down, sir."

I chewed my tongue, screwing my eyes shut. My pulse was ticking away frantically, furious at him for being so forward. But at the same time, that just made it all the harder to keep resisting his subtle advances. The way he stood and stammered, the way he refused to look at me, and now this? I opened my eyes, and began to rave. "Oh, so now you wouldn't protest? Scared of dying a virgin, huh?" Since there was nothing left to clean, I guessed the only other place to direct these feelings was into anger. Just to maintain the distance between us, just to pretend that even this tiny bit of interaction wasn't pushing me to manic levels of sanitation. "Is that it?"

He stammered, eyes wide and fixed on the floor.

"Eren," I said loudly. No movement. "Godammit, Eren, look at me!"

Immediately, his eyes shot up and his mouth fell slightly open, as if his erratic breaths were too much for his nose to deal with alone.

I clenched my fists and strolled over. "Good. How obedient of you. I was getting tired of looking at your eyelids." He stared at me, quivering, until I was standing a foot from him, looking up at his face. I didn't enjoy feeling like such a pipsqueak, so I grabbed his cheeks in one hand and pulled his face down, making him gasp as his shoulders hunched. "Now, tell me," I whispered, watching his wide green eyes search my own frantically. My heart felt like it would choke me but the words had to come out. "Are you obeying me as your superior … or as something else?"

We stood a moment staring into each other's eyes, and my grip on his face tightened. Maybe this was a bad move. His skin was so soft, and up close his eyes were deeply filigreed with different tones and shadows. They glistened with some emotion I couldn't grasp, and he shut his mouth tight as his lips trembled. I looked at them, perfectly at level with my own — and so close I could just …

Fucking kill him. "Don't think I can't see what you're trying to do, Eren," I said in a low voice. "Who told you not to look at my eyes, huh? Was it Hanje? Have you been asking her for tips?"

Eren stammered something incoherent.

"Spit it out!"

"I — I just wanted to learn more! To know more about you, and how to please you. Please, sir, I just want to do as you wish!"

I grunted in annoyance, but at the same time I was frozen in place. This was all like some sick dream: a sub so curious and willing to serve, and so close, yet entirely out of reach. "I wish you would stop this stupid game and listen to me. As your Captain — nothing else — I'm telling you to leave me alone and stop acting so fucking gross and appealing!"

His eyes widened further, and I finally pushed him roughly away from me. He fell back and rubbed his cheeks, shooting me mingled looks of concern and terror.

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples, hoping that if I couldn't see him then maybe I wouldn't be tempted to take his face back in my hands to caress and kiss the red marks my fingers had dug into his flesh. I felt my heart racing, and shook myself. "If you were anyone else I'd beat the shit out of you for your pathetic attempts at seducing your superior. But in this case, I'm worried a beating will be too enjoyable for you."

Eren's chest heaved. "And enjoyable for you too, Heichou?"

"What? No!"

"But you — you said that you'd enjoy it if I enjoyed it!"

I almost puked. "I said I wouldn't enjoy it unless you did. That's completely different." I blinked, squirming inside with discomfort. Was I even making sense anymore? Oh, this was so bad. But — no — this kid was not going to beat me. "Well — whatever! My point is you need to start respecting your orders as a soldier. Not as anything else. Now get out of my sight."

He turned away and I turned in the opposite direction, and then there was a bang.

I spun around to see him sitting on his ass, rubbing his nose. I looked up to see a greasy face print once again tarnishing the window.

"I just cleaned that," I sighed.

He whimpered slightly. "You're just too damn good at cleaning, Heichou."

I had to hide my smirk. "Don't flatter me, I already knew that. You didn't have to demonstrate."

He gave a small laugh, and for a moment I stood awkwardly, fingering the dirty cloth and shooting a nervous glance at the smudged window. But as I looked at him struggling to his feet I just melted. Fucking pathetic. I was a pathetic old man and I was at the mercy of a fucking kid.

I went to him and placed my shoes gently over his, extending my hand. He looked up, mouth half open in surprise, and took my hand with what looked like sheer joy etched into his face. I pulled him up and he rose, carelessly knocking his knees against mine. I breathed heavily, feeling the energy between our bodies for just a second as I craned my neck, and he looked down on me with that full-face flush and an embarrassed smile crawling across his cheeks. I just held my breath to avoid breathing in the cuteness. It could be fucking contagious.

I realised that I was still stepping on his feet, and quickly backed away. But not far enough. "So, um, are you …" I started, and his big eyes turned to me and I watched the drop of blood roll down his nose towards his lip. I let out an involuntary gasp. "Oi, Eren, you're bleeding."

"Oh?" he said lightly, and had raised his hand to wipe it when I grabbed his arm.

"Don't wipe it on your hand, you filthy animal." He looked at me curiously, and I just looked down at the dishcloth in my other hand. I dropped it on the tiles, and pushed him into the nearest chair. He stared up at me as I untied my cravat and threw it at him.

"Thanks," he said, wrinkling his brow at me, while I huffed and turned around, facing the door as my chest heaved. I quickly picked up the washcloth and turned my attention to the glass, trying not to think of the hot red blood soiling my beautifully pure white scarf. Trying not to think of the delicate brush of his skin against the silk, or the force with which he must have hit the glass.

Nothing should make a boy bleed but his Master: not a horse's saddle or nettles or fucking glass doors. Because if I was going to be cleaning up the mess, it was so much more fun if I was the one making him messy in the first place.

I ground my teeth and rubbed the cloth between my hands, trying to eradicate the lingering, hideous sensation of his skin on mine. I glanced around, to see him wiping his nose violently. My fists clenched. Then, he pinched the bridge of his nose and held his head back, and I just exploded.

"Stop!"

He looked up, mouth agape, and the blood smeared across his cheek. He was hopeless. I was done for.

I stepped forward and snatched the cravat away, making my way around the back of the chair. Apparently, I no longer had control of my actions. At least that's what I'd claim to the judges. I inhaled as I stood behind him and placed one hand tentatively on his shoulder, and used the other to place the silky material underneath his disgusting nose.

His breath warmed my hand and I imagined the material getting dampened by the moist air from his lungs. My fingers sank into his shoulder, gripping the flesh beneath his shirt, as my heart pounded in my chest.

"Blow," I ordered.

His head turned, his eyes looking up at me in fear. "Sir?"

I swallowed. What kind of an idiot didn't know how to deal with a nosebleed, anyway? He needed my help: that was the only reason I was doing this. Yes … let's try believing that. "Just fucking blow, Eren," I said quietly. He blinked a few times, and then scrunched his eyes shut and blew hard into my hand. My hand on his shoulder ran up his neck and pushed his head deeper into the cravat, twisting my fingers through his soft brown hair and feeling my breaths getting shallower for each second I touched him and gripped him tight and felt him give up his control to me. When he was finished I wiped away the excess gunk with care and scrunched up the makeshift tissue. I came around beside him and knelt on the floor, feeling myself quiver with perverted satisfaction as I licked the clean edge of the silk and used it to wipe the dried blood from his face. His chest was heaving the whole time, his eyes glistening and his pink lips slightly parted.

"Breathe through your mouth," I told him, as I pinched the soft skin of his nose and held it. "You shouldn't lean your head back or you'll swallow the blood."

"Oh, I didn't know that," he said, his voice all nasal and adorable.

For a moment we stayed silent, me kneeling on the floor with his nose gripped between my thumb and index finger, and him sitting abnormally still in the chair.

This was probably very bad. Such a simple act for me was such a surge of power, but on the outside could have looked innocent and harmless. Right? In that way, what I was doing wasn't necessarily wrong, was it? Perhaps this was enough to quench my thirst, for now. Perhaps I needed this tiny bit of strength to stop me from crumbling. Perhaps this was a solid step towards controlling my feelings.

Perhaps I was kidding myself.

I realised my hand had rested for balance on his knee, and I quickly removed it. Not before he noticed, unfortunately.

"You sure know a lot about first aid, Heichou."

I shrugged. "The nature of what I do demands it."

His eyes widened. "You mean … like, after doing whatever you do to your submissive, you take care of their wounds, too?"

I pressed my lips together. "No, I meant that as a Captain I need to be acquainted with this stuff to deal with casualties on missions." He made a tiny embarrassed noise and I shook my head. "Do your thoughts always jump so quickly to filthy things?"

"But do you?" he persisted. "Do you tend to them afterwards?"

I was very tempted to break his nose between my fingers. I had him. I had him right here. "Eren … you know I don't want to talk about this."

"In that case, I guess I can hold my own nose," he replied quietly. His eyes glanced up and met mine, shimmering with emotion. "Sir."

I glared at him, and quickly let go. I stood up and crossed the room, turning my back on him and folding my arms. "Yes," I sighed, "I tend my sub afterwards. It's called aftercare. It's a pretty important part … for me, at least. There's an odd satisfaction in breaking something and then building it up again, I suppose."

"Same as there's a satisfaction in being broken and rebuilt," he said, his voice muffled. I turned my head to see him sitting with his legs tightly together and one hand clenched between them. His eyes were down, his mouth shielded by the hand holding onto his nose. "Well, I'm sure you're good at it, Heichou." He looked up. "You can be very gentle when you want to be."

I looked at him, and suddenly bit my lip. I cast around, but there was nothing to distract me now.

"Oh, do you need help cleaning, sir?" he asked, noticing my anxiety.

"No … everywhere's clean." I met his eyes and sighed, throwing up my hands. "Look at me. This is what you've reduced me to: a man with nothing left to clean."

Eren blinked. "Sir?"

I sighed, heavier this time. "So … ordering you to stop won't work, you just continue to find new ways to entice me. Being mean won't get you off my back, you're just impervious to it. And ignoring you is impossible, because I can't and I don't want to, either. Well, now I'm just going to be honest with you. I don't know how else to deal with you anymore."

His eyes were wide like saucers. I wished I had some tea. I swallowed nervously, and pulled a chair up beside him. I observed him for a moment, quietly wondering what it really was that attracted me to him so desperately. How could this silly little crush be causing me so much trouble? He sat tensely, arms and legs rigid and straight, and still pinching his nose. But his eyes were fixed on me. They had been, pretty much invariably, since I ordered him to. I'm sure that was a big part of it, the obedience, but there was also that constant look of surprise. That deer-caught-in-headlights look. I liked that. This was how my perfect sub would act, and as I had suspected from the very beginning, it just came naturally to Eren. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing, mixing scene behaviour with everyday. But all I really wanted was to see how he would behave if he were comfortable with me, if I could make him feel safe. I didn't want fear and admiration … well, I kind of did. But that was during a scene, and it was a game. In reality all I wanted was his happiness and devotion. I wanted to beat and cuddle him, deprive and spoil him, soil and bathe him, and see his beautiful face in its greatest pleasure and pain. I wanted to consume him. I wanted him to be mine.

He looked at me with the eyes I wanted to see full of tears and lust and agony and fire, and I wondered if being straight with him was such a good idea. But there was nothing left to clean, only my thoughts. "I don't like being vulnerable, Eren," I started, looking down. "That's the reason I've been denying my feelings to you, I guess. Because I think you're enough of a psychopath to take advantage of my weakness if I reveal it to you. But since you're refusing to give it a rest, I guess there's no point hiding it … So, yeah. I do feel the same."

I stopped, biting my lip, as he gazed at me with those amazing eyes. I couldn't let them break me. I was so fucking weak already.

I slung my arm over the back of my chair, sighing, and ran my other hand though my hair. "Eren, do you know why superiors aren't supposed to date their subordinates?" He shook his head. "It's because we have a duty, and something like that complicates everything. And my duty is to protect you … or kill you." I looked over at him, frowning so deeply that my whole face felt sore. I had watched him hanging unconscious out of his titan's body, and I had been blown back by steam he created just to pick up a goddamn spoon. But we had never been on the battlefield together, not for real. And not since the trial, when all these fucking feelings had begun to fester. "That's a difficult enough job as it is. I can't imagine how hard it would be if we were … if I let myself …" I paused, shuddering slightly. "What I'm trying to say, Eren, is that I have a bad habit of falling pretty hard. And I don't want to risk anyone's life for the sake of my own desires."

He reached out and took my hand, which was still clenched around the soiled cravat. I flinched, but didn't move it. His fingers were timid, but warm on mine. "Oh, Heichou," he said slowly. "Saying something like that just makes me admire you all the more."

I yanked my hand away. "That's why we shouldn't be having this conversation," I said gruffly. "The more we discuss it the more tempted we'll both be. You understand, don't you? We'd be pretty selfish to choose a fleeting fancy over the survival of humanity." I stopped, biting my lip and glancing to his face for the confirmation I sought. When it didn't come, I prompted, saying, "Right?"

He looked at his hands, brow furrowed. I realised I was leaning forwards, desperately searching his face for my answers. Was it right or wrong? Allowed or forbidden? Pure or filthy? I needed the confirmation: could I give in to temptation or would he help me beat it?

I ignored the little voice in my perverted head which was praying against the latter.

He looked up suddenly, and my heart beat fast as I saw his eyes so close, brimming with emotion. He swallowed thickly before speaking. "I know I'm just a teenager, and maybe I should be concerned about dying a virgin, like you said. But all I know is that if I die out there on this mission, or any mission in the future, I'll only regret not finding out whether this was more than just a fleeting fancy, as you called it."

My eyes dropped to his chest, trying to calm my frantic heart. Slowly, I looked up, and reached up to pull his hand away from his nose. I held onto it for a moment, my mind oddly blank. "Then don't make me kill you, Eren. If you can do that, there's no way I'm letting you die."

He nodded with a small noise of agreement, although his thick brow was still furrowed up in confusion. I was confused, too. I wasn't really sure what I was saying any longer. Was I winning or losing here?

"Thank you, Heichou," he said softly. "For being open with me."

I found myself smiling slightly. "Well, I'm glad we settled that," I said. I was lying. I wasn't glad, and nothing was settled. In fact, I was even more conflicted that before. But I knew that if we kept going on any longer there would be no coming back. He got up to leave and I jerked up to my feet as my different sides clashed within me for power. "Wait!" I said, and he turned around with an expectant face. I stood, like a dork, searching my brain for words. Any words. "Er, when did you start calling me Heichou anyway?"

He brought his free hand up to his mouth for a moment, looking thoughtful. Then he smiled widely, making my heart fall into my stomach. "I guess it was when I decided that I would devote myself to you."

My Adam's apple seemed to choke me, and he smiled wider. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and checked it for blood, before turning back to the door. I looked on in mild disgust, until he reached for the doorknob and stopped.

"About my guard tonight, though—"

"Don't push your luck."

I could tell from the back of his head that he was smiling and I rolled my eyes, throwing myself back into the chair. I listened to his sigh and the door shutting behind him, while staring into the filthy cravat still clenched up in my fist.

I guess I had been losing all along.