8. Permission to Cuddle

[Eren]

Where was I? It was so hot and red and … gross. It reminded me of Heichou somehow … the steamy, suffocating heat and … grossness? But that didn't make any sense. Heichou was always clean and cold.

"Eren!"

So hot … Was it … It couldn't be … the inside of his mouth? That was a grotesque thought. Could it be possible that we were making out so intensely that he pulled me inside and … what? Was he going to devour me?

What the fuck was going on here …

There was a tearing sound and I saw the light. Then, I was falling and something grabbed me, and I was flying through the air. A voice reached me from amidst a flurry of wind.

"He's all right … Disgusting, but all right."

I was actually feeling a little motion sick …

"Eren …" whispered the velvety voice. "I thought I'd lost you too …"

I jolted awake, my bed moist with sweat. The image of the giant mouth opened wide was burned on my eyeballs, roaring red in the dark and flickering as I scanned the room.

The cellar was colder and emptier than usual. There was nobody sitting asleep in the chair on the other side of the bars, and my skin was goosebumped beneath a layer of perspiration. I automatically moved to rub the stiffness from my arms before I realised that I had been sleeping unchained the whole time. And, suddenly, the rest of my dream came back to me.

"We got this, the three of us can handle her. You go back to base. Go! NOW!"

I realised that there would be no footsteps coming down the stairs to wake me for the day's duties.

The castle felt like a ghost of what it was before, like an empty memory I was free to wander through. The grounds were dark and deserted, not a single soul in sight for miles. Dust had gathered in the few days we had been away and weeds had begun regrowing between the cracks in the courtyard paving slabs. The kitchen where we used to drink tea together was abandoned, drenched in silence. The screeching of the kettle seemed like it was going to burst my eardrums.

The headquarters sure was lonely without them.

I climbed the steps to the second floor timidly, every step resounding like a cannon. The knock reverberated through my knuckles and rudely interrupted the dead air, and yet there was no answer.

"H—Heichou?" I called, almost pressing my lips to the wood. Still nothing. I turned the handle slowly and pushed the door open, peering into the room.

He sat hunched over in his chair, his head in his hands.

"Oh — Ah, I'm sorry for disturbing—"

He looked up, his hands dropping into his lap. "Oh, it's you." His voice sounded duller than usual, if that was possible, and his eyes were darkly circled as if he hadn't slept in weeks. It was hard to imagine that only this time yesterday we were gliding through the forest of giant trees, arrogant in our capture of the titan bitch. I stopped in the doorway, clutching the frame for support. He straightened up a bit, looking around, before his eyes eventually landed on me with icy indifference. "Did you wanna come in or something?"

I glanced around the room, which was entirely empty except for a neatly made bed and the desk he was sitting adjacent to. It, too, seemed like a false reality. Nothing could honestly be that straight and orderly in its natural state. My eyes returned to him, and wondered if he could be the exception.

I swallowed. "Oh, no, sir. I just made some tea downstairs if you would like some … I mean, I can bring it up here to you if you'd like."

He stood up abruptly, his chair legs scraping against the floor. "Nah, we should go down. Erwin will be along any time soon."

He walked towards the door with heavy gait, but I was glued to the floorboards. He slowed as he approached, and I found that I couldn't bear to look at him. "I'm sorry," I repeated. "Um, Heichou … were you crying?"

He sighed. "No, I wasn't … Not that there's anything wrong with crying, but it's not something that comes easily to me." I looked up and his eyes met mine for just a moment before it was his turn to look at the ground. "Eren, do you ever feel too tired, or even too sad to cry? Like everything is so heavy, and too awful, that you almost seem to become desensitised to it? And the worse things get, the less you find you can actually feel it?"

I didn't know what he meant, but as his eyes met mine with a glazed stare it was more than enough to make me understand. My mind felt flattened, wrung out, and I couldn't even turn my thoughts into words to share his sorrow. I didn't have the luxury of self-pity. My hands reached up and gripped my face. "I'm sorry, sir. It's my fault. It's my fault they're dead. If I hadn't made the wrong choice —"

"Don't," he said loudly, his eyes glinting. "Don't you dare blame yourself. Tell me, did you trust your comrades? Or respect them, at least?"

I looked up at him, trembling, and nodded.

"Then at least spare them the dishonour of a wasted death," he said. "They were intelligent people, they knew the risks. You made your choice, as did they: that protecting you was the best way to ensure humanity's survival. My squad …" He looked down, his eyes disappearing into shadow underneath his black hair. "They were the best, and they did their duty until the end. So there's just no way I can let you can blame yourself, Eren."

My eyes stung as I stared at him. His face seemed to be frozen in that one grim expression, like he hadn't the energy to move anything more than his mouth. His eyes were more hooded than usual, too, as they turned up to stare at me solemnly.

Suddenly, he took another step forwards, and his hand reached up and grabbed the back of my head. He entwined his cold fingers in my hair, his forearm resting on my shoulder as his eyes grew warm. "Never be ashamed to cry for your fallen comrades, Eren. We mourn them tonight and then we resolve to carry on the torch tomorrow. That's the only way we soldiers can live and bear to face the next battle."

He looked down, and his face looked so haggard in that moment that I just fell apart. I threw myself onto his chest, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and hugging him tightly, as if that in turn would hold my own pieces together. He paused a moment, and then ran his hands up my back and held me close. He smelled like Heichou, clean and cool, and somehow the familiar scent brought comfort with it. Burying my face in his neck, I inhaled his skin and closed my eyes, attempting to draw on his strength despite the few inches I had to bend to reach it. I expected the tears to fall but found that, like him, I was incapable of even crying. That simple, human act had been stripped from me. Maybe I didn't deserve it. I wasn't fully human, after all.

But Heichou had been dealing with this since before I was born: the death and destruction of everything around him; the missions ending only in hopeless despair; the walk of shame back through the city streets, the blood on our uniforms the only testament to our wasted efforts. I didn't understand how he could cope with that, over and over and over again. It was impossible. How was a soldier supposed to go on after witnessing the horror? I couldn't do it. How could any of us go on, when the situation was as desperate as it was now?

"I don't plan on dying, or letting you die tomorrow, Eren."

It should have been me. I was the only one she wanted, and yet how many others died in her attempts to secure me? The Levi squad, handpicked for their excellency, had been wiped out by a single bitch in a titan suit. Even I, an idiot in a titan suit, couldn't stop her. It was all Heichou could do to bring me back alive. Even so, he was injured, and that was all my fault as well. What would have become of me if he hadn't made it, if he had gone out like the others? This breathing body could have been another cadaver, and the promise of my first love blown out like a candle.

I shuddered into him, a hollow sob wracking from my lungs. "Please, Heichou … would you stay with me tonight?"

His chest rose and fell heavily. "Like I said … tonight is not about me and you. Tonight, we're grieving."

I felt my face grow hot and I attempted to keep it hidden in his shoulder but he pulled away and looked up into my face.

"However …" He brought a hand to my cheek, stroking it gently. My breathing increased rapidly and I noticed him wet his lips slightly with his tongue.

My eyes widened, flashing back to the hot, dank, red mess that was the female titan's mouth. And, then, the steamy, wet, inflamed kisses we shared in the cellar that night …

His eyes dropped to my lips. "However, I wouldn't be averse to you sleeping in my bed."

I panted heavily, my head dropping. "Th-thank you, Heichou!"

"What are you thanking me for? Weirdo …" he muttered. He wrapped an arm tightly around my neck, and led me out of the room.

I looked around as he closed the door behind us, watching it seal away the Captain's bed that I'd be sharing tonight. I sighed, turning around, while my cheeks threatened to crack into a smile.

Heichou's hand relaxed a little on my shoulder but remained there, and I timidly lifted a hand and linked my fingers through his. I turned slightly to see if I could subtly gauge his reaction, but he saw me coming and met my gaze with piercing grey eyes.

The corner of his mouth pulled up slightly, and then he looked away. I looked down, grinning, and clasping his pale fingers contently.

We walked like that all the way down into the the little dinner hall, and there in the doorway we stopped.

He stared at the empty room with the two lonely teacups sitting on the tray, and sighed. "Thank you, Eren. This was sweet of you."

I opened my mouth, but quickly closed it again as I felt the suffocating silence return. The room was loud with the absence of the others and I knew he felt it, too. His face had grown ashen once again and his hand dropped from my shoulder noiselessly. He crossed the room, sitting down at the head of the table.

I looked up, clasping my hands together. "Um, Heichou … may I please serve your tea for you?"

He narrowed his eyes. "I guess, if you really want to."

I nodded eagerly and dashed to the tray, bringing it around to where he was sitting. He studied me closely as I set one of the teacups in a saucer and lifted the teapot. As I poured out the steaming brown liquid, it became clear that my hands were shaking pretty badly and I spilled a little bit. I hastily wiped it up on my sleeve, and then cringed at the look he gave me.

Stupid! Why didn't I just get a dishcloth? I waited for him to call me a filthy animal, but he didn't. I glanced up, and he caught my eye.

"Eren, why do you have to be so nervous around me?"

My eyes widened. "Um—"

"I know I can be an aggressive asshole most of the time," he sighed, slinging his arm over the back of his chair. I froze, still holding the teapot aloft like a statue. "But I don't actually want you to be terrified of me. I don't like it. You should save that for …" He stopped, staring at the wall. I looked around, wondering what had distracted him, when he shook his head and gave a small grunt. "Oh, yeah, by the way. Hanje and Erwin both know about us."

The teapot dropped out of my hand and I screamed, but he had reached out just in time and caught it expertly by the handle. I held my hand to my heart, panting, as he set it back down on the table.

Ignoring the slightly boiling tea I had spilled down my shirt, I turned back to Heichou. "What? That's — How — But you said …" I stumbled over my words, panic gripping my heart. Was this it? It was bad enough that we still had to figure out how to save me from being handed over to the Military Police for execution, but now he was headed for a similar fate? "I mean, I figured about Hanje but … how did Erwin …?"

"Here, let me pour yours," he said quietly, standing up. I stared at him, my mouth hanging open. How the fuck was he so calm? His hands were firm as he made my tea. He set the cup in the remaining saucer and brought it to the other side of the table, placing a hand on the chair furthest away from his own seat. "You should sit here so we don't look too cosy when they arrive."

I clutched the back of his chair, nodding, and drifted over to rest my weak legs. He stood a moment, then ruffled my hair and returned to his place.

"Heichou … I swear I didn't tell anyone," I said, my throat rasping. "I don't understand — How could he possibly have found out?"

"Don't ask me, Erwin's frigging psychic or something. It doesn't matter. As long as it doesn't get in the way of the line of duty, he says he'll leave us to it."

I felt the air rushing into my lungs in both shock and relief. "R-really?"

He nodded, picking up his teacup by the top of it instead of the handle. Sitting sideways in his chair, he easily avoided my gaze. "He just had one request though … That we save the consummation until after you come of age."

I blinked, turning and staring at the wall. "Well, yeah, I guess that makes sense. It would be illegal otherwise, right?"

"Yeah," he said. He paused. "Wait, so you're OK with that?"

I clasped my hands together and placed them in between my knees. "Well, yeah, it's only next March. That's really not long, when you think about it."

"Well, sure," he agreed, somehow seeming surprised. "That's very mature of you, Eren. It can be your birthday present, then, if you behave yourself."

I swallowed my breath. Did Heichou just propose to me? "Oh … I mean, thanks and all, but I'm really not sure that I'd be ready to think about marriage so soon."

"Marriage?" he repeated. "We don't need to be married to fuck. Unless you're into that, which is surprising since you seemed to be gagging for it this whole time."

I clamped my hands over my mouth. "Wait … Sir, consummate means —?"

"To fulfil the relationship with sex," he said drily. He raised his own hand to his mouth. "Oh, fuck — you really thought —?"

I pushed my palms into my lips, trying to suppress the squeal of embarrassment that was forcing its way out, and then very nearly banged my head against the table in an attempt to hide my face which was quickly turning maroon. I felt a shudder cross the table and peeked out over my arm to see Heichou's fist and the top of his head, and his whole body shaking with laughter.

"Fufufu — you thought — marriage!" he roared.

I raised my head curiously, watching his body convulse and listening to his hoarse cacchinnation. I let myself have a small chuckle, too, before his head raised and I saw the smile that was plastered across his cheeks, his eyes glistening with tears of mirth.

I frowned. "Wait … you mean you don't want to have sex until I turn sixteen?"

His laughter stopped abruptly, and he held his stomach as if it were hurting him. "Yeah … I mean, those are Erwin's wishes, not mine."

"But you said … after the mission …" I looked down into my teacup, mumbling, "I mean, don't you want to, Heichou?"

He inhaled sharply. "Eren, in a perfect world I'd be having you over this table right now and punishing you for wiping up spilled tea with your sleeve." My eyes flew to him, my chest heaving and a pulse trembling through my groin. I saw his jaw tighten as his eyes ran over me, his eyelids lowering ever so slightly and masking the glint of hunger in them.

He didn't need to convince me. His eyes reflected my lust like a mirror.

"But we don't live in a perfect world. We live in this shitty one."

The thing about mirrors is how easily they're broken. Eventually, I lowered my face and gave a tiny nod.

"OK, good," he said in his low voice, and I found myself smiling secretly as I picked up my tea and sipped it. It was pretty stewed after sitting there for so long while we were upstairs, but he hadn't complained.

We sat in silence for a while, at which point I realised I had absolutely no idea how to make normal conversation with the Captain. Luckily, he was being a bit of a chatterbox himself.

"It's been awhile … Erwin, that bastard, making us wait like this. At this rate, the damn MP will show up first." He stopped, and took a sip of his tea. "Maybe he's trying to take a shit, but the shit just won't come out."

I laughed nervously, unsure whether I found it funny or was just trying to fill the crippling silence across the table. He looked over at me, then raised the cup to his lips again.

I watched him pout slightly to drink, and felt my insides collapse a little with the effort of restraint. Here I thought I'd get to feel those lips on me again soon, but now my hopes had been torn right from under me.

Although … I had convinced him to break the rules once already. Maybe I could do it again.

I looked down at my shirt, stained a murky brown from the tea, and remembered his slim hands groping my chest and waist against the bars of my cells. With a dull throb in my dick, I willed my mind not to explore the ideas I had about what kind of punishment he was talking about. But I couldn't help wondering: if spilling tea incited that kind of reaction in him, what kind of misbehaviour would he be unable to ignore?

I noticed him watching me and blushed, pushing my legs together painfully to hide my erection. I cast around desperately for something to contribute to the conversation. "Captain, you, uh, sure are in a talkative mood today."

"So what if I am?" he said. "Doesn't mean I was talking to you."

I blinked. Was it a joke? Was he being funny? Because that actually was kind of funny, if he meant it to be. It wasn't another shit joke, at least. I wasn't sure if I knew what to make of a funny Heichou. I had only seen him laugh hysterically for the first time just minutes ago. I wasn't ready for such a huge character turnaround.

He slammed his cup down a little too aggressively and a groan slipped out. I saw him look down and tighten his hand around his thigh, and I gasped as my chin fell onto my chest. "Sorry," I said, apologising for possibly the millionth time. "It's my fault, sir. If I had not made the wrong choice back then, things never would have gone this way … you wouldn't have gotten injured."

He looked at me with dull eyes. "Didn't I already tell you? You made a judgement call. No-one expects you to be a clairvoyant."

He looked away and I averted my eyes as well. Just then, the door slammed open and the others arrived.

I was curious … how much exactly did Erwin know? I had a hard time looking him in the eye, considering he might have surmised the kinds of filthy things that Heichou and I had been discussing, and all the more that I had fantasised about. Holy shit, what if he knew about our chained up kiss? What if he knew Heichou had just threatened to spank me over the table we were sitting at? And what if he knew I was still kind of hard from it?

I tried not to think about it, in case he really was psychic. But sex suddenly slipped my mind once they started claiming that Annie was the female titan. The rest was a blur. The hot, dank mouth … the steamy, wet kisses …

OK, maybe it could never totally slip my mind.

When the meeting was over, I was in such a state of shock that I couldn't even speak to Mikasa and Armin. The only thing I was aware of was a cold hand glimpsing innocuously against mine as he walked out without a word, and I welcomed the distraction with all my heart.

I spent awhile pacing the cellar until I decided that enough time had passed for the hallways to have cleared, and then climbed back up to the second floor on tiptoes. This time, I barely dared to rap my knuckles on the door, but somehow he heard it.

Our eyes met. "Heichou," I whispered.

"Eren," he responded. He stared at me for a moment, before moving aside and allowing me in. I wrung my hands, casting a nervous glance into the hallway as he shut the door behind me. "It's OK," he assured me. "I saw Erwin off myself, and the other trainees are in the barracks. The castle is empty."

I couldn't really breathe.

His eyes ran over me, his chest heaving. "Eren," he said suddenly, "have you bathed since you were in that titan's mouth?"

I nodded quickly, trying to ignore the weird feeling that the memory of that swollen, red orifice ignited in the pit of my stomach.

"Well, take another bath. You were so gross and covered in spit … I just won't be able to sleep unless I know you're clean."

"Oh," I said, looking down at my hands as he shoved a towel into them. "Sure."

He sat on the end of the bed, crossing his legs tightly. "When you're done, you can come lie beside me. I don't want any funny business —" he averted his eyes, "— but you have permission to cuddle."

I smiled a little, and raced to the bathroom to wash myself as quickly as possible. I couldn't stop trembling. I had never slept beside someone before, at least not in a lover's way. I really wouldn't count the shared bunks we used to sleep in during training, not even that one time when Armin's hand "accidentally" brushed against my crotch in his sleep. No, this was different. How was it even possible to sleep in a bed with someone who gave you a constant softie just by his presence, and a raging boner with just his sensual words or the slightest proximity of his body? My legs were too hot already, just from the thought of his bed and his body lying beside me. The washcloth in the tub smelled lemony, and reminded me of Heichou's cleaning sprees: his hair tied back by a white bandana, his mouth similarly covered from dust. I touched my cheeks, recalling the tightness of his cravat around my mouth as a makeshift gag, and clutched the thumping, rising bulge in my pants. I breathed, gripping the washcloth, and considered jerking off now so that just maybe I wouldn't spend the entire night with this stiffy when Heichou had no intention of relieving me. But I screwed my eyes shut and grit my teeth. If he could resist, then so would I.

And, anyway, there was always the chance that I could break him.

When I returned, hair dripping down my neck and skin still pink from the heat, I was halted in the doorway for a moment by the mere sight of him lying there all stretched out, leaning up on his elbows, his feet bare. In his own bed, in his casual clothes, he actually looked a lot less scary. His body looked like a feast laid out just for me, his outfit leaving everything to my imagination. And it was going fucking mental. I clenched my fist, rejecting the sensations that signalled my arousal.

A single lamp lit the room a warm orange and glowed embers in the depths of his eyes. I walked over, crawling onto the bed and treading carefully as my heart beat loudly in my ears. He lifted himself a bit further as I prowled towards him, his eyebrows furrowing.

"No funny business," he repeated quickly, but I was already falling face-first onto his shoulder and collapsing on top of him. He gave a small groan, and then a smaller chuckle. "Wait —"

He shoved me off him and got up to grab the towel I had discarded on the floor. He climbed back into bed, kneeling in front of me, and taking my face in the towel. He paused for a moment, as my heart seemed to stop. His eyes were narrow in his pale face, and gently began to close as he leaned down to press his lips briefly against mine.

I opened my eyes just in time to see his sly smile, before my vision was obscured by towel.

He rubbed my head vigorously, drying my hair. "You were getting me wet, you careless brat," he explained. He hung it around my neck to absorb any stray droplets, and ran his hands through it gently, untangling the knots and parting my fringe in the middle the way it usually fell. His hand came to rest behind my head, still stroking my half-dry hair and looking into my eyes with a soft smile.

His bed smelled like cotton dried in the sun. The low lamplight cast long shadows and blazed golden warmth on my skin. I could hear his breaths like my own, slow and deep. Despite the intense arousal of my senses, I somehow felt calm. I looked up into my Heichou's face, and shrugged the towel away as I raised my hand to push the hair out of his dark eyes. His brow furrowed, his face momentarily growing guarded. But then he swallowed slightly and simply continued gently running his hands tenderly through my hair. My fingers were met with his skin, so cold and pale, and I traced his thin eyebrows with my fingertips before moving further, exploring the short hairs above his ear. This was the first time I had touched him like this, so intimately, so freely. My hands shook, scared he would stop me, but he didn't and I only grew hungrier. My heart was beating so fast as I made my way around his face, bringing up my other hand to greedily steal all the touches I could get away with. His cheekbones … the line of his jaw … the curve of his ear … his black eyelashes. I had saved my dessert, and trailed trepid fingers down his soft cheek towards the pink mounds that crested above his chin. I traced the shape, the beautiful tiny frown he wore so well, and watched them part slightly. I held my breath and let my finger press inside until I found the hard porcelain barrier of his teeth.

I looked up. His eyes had grown full of fire, and suddenly his teeth were replaced by a tongue as he invited my finger into his mouth and bit down on it gently. My mouth fell open, breathing hard, as the heat in my body sent pulses into my cock. My chest heaved as I watched his lips close around my finger, my burning desire elevating to maddening levels, leaving me almost ready to explode, when —

Everything went dark. Levi inhaled sharply in surprise, his bite on my finger disappearing. I panted loudly, completely blown away by whatever had just happened. I couldn't stop, I couldn't slow down, I had to keep up with the beating of my heart. My other hand was still on his face and his hand was holding my head close. I heard the bedsprings creak as he made the slightest movement, but I was blind. And suddenly it was as if the tension between us was amplified a thousand times, like whatever happened in the dark could all be called a dream.

I matched my breathing to his, terrified and excited all at the same time, as we sat there kneeling in a half-embrace. Every second lasted an hour and every moment of it was torture. I couldn't — I wouldn't wait any longer. I reached out and took his face in both my hands, pulling myself in to press my lips against whatever I could find in the dark, his forehead — what was that, his nose? — and then his chin — too far — until eventually I found his lips. I kissed them earnestly, forcing my way into his mouth to where the heat was. I absorbed it, wanting to consume it, as I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my body as close to his as I could. After a moment's hesitation he was kissing me back, his tongue clashing against mine fervently, gripping my hair and tugging hard on it. I moaned slightly in my throat, lust coursing through my veins as the titillation swelled my dick and made it stiff. My breath was caught between my ribs, my heart in my throat, as I climbed into his lap so that his hips were beneath me and my wet, pulsing hard on could push itself against something — anything —

He groaned suddenly — a desperate, pathetic sound that seemed to vibrate inside my soul, stoking the fire. And then I felt it: something harder than his muscled leg pressing into my crotch. I gasped, grinding down on it, and almost screaming with the agony of the pleasure it surged in me. I reached down and grabbed his belt without warning, elation ripping through my body, and —

In a flash he had a tight grip on my wrists and rolled me onto my back. I gasped at his strength, and attempted to fight back for the pure thrill of being restrained. I thought he was about to ravish me, he must have felt my bulge as he knelt over me, but as he leaned down to kiss me, he stopped halfway and stared at me.

I blinked up at him in the dark, squinting to try to see him in all his panting, sweaty chaos. I wanted to see him unfold. I wanted him to use and abuse me. I wanted him to take me, shred my body and drown me in white hot, blinding pleasure. I wanted him. I wanted it now.

"Oi, Eren," he said, his voice breathy but controlled, "I said no funny business."

I gasped again, completely unintentionally. Oh, fuck. I fucked up. I struggled against his grip but he was overpowering me with ease. I whimpered slightly, wanting to feel that strength gripping me closer, not pushing me away.

"I'm sorry, I —"

"Shut it," he ordered, and I stopped. He was scaring me, actually. Was this the kind of thing I would be punished for? He didn't get off me, and my dick throbbed painfully, discarded and desolate. "I told you, we're waiting."

I swallowed, trying desperately to gather myself. "But — but Commander Erwin only said to save the consummation. That would mean full sex right? He — he never mentioned anything about hand stuff!"

A noise escaped his throat, and suddenly he burst out laughing. He leaned down, tickling my ear with his warm breath. I inhaled sharply, grinding my hips into thin air in my desperation. "You think you can get around this through a loophole? You sure are a brat."

I grinned, turning my head to find his lips, but he swiftly lifted his head back up and looked down on me while still pinning my arms to the bed. I tried to raise myself up to meet him, but it was impossible. "Heichou, please—"

"Don't beg. Not unless I tell you to." I stared up in the darkness, my brow furrowing. He continued, matter-of-factly, all traces of lust disintegrated. "It's not just about Erwin. We've had quite an ordeal. I wouldn't want anything to happen between us while we're upset."

"I don't mind, though—"

"But I do," he said. He paused, his voice changing to concern. "Fucking hell, Eren, you have a really messed up idea of how this works."

"I'm sorry, Heichou," I whispered.

He rolled off me, and I turned away from him and curled into a little ball of embarrassment and confusion. How could he stand it? Humanity's strongest indeed. Shit, what was I doing wrong that made it so easy for him to push me away like this again? I was aching for him. My body felt like it would die if I couldn't be consumed by him, if I couldn't be burned up by his fire. I knew he wanted it too, but what was he fighting against?

The way I saw it right now, at this moment, there was no time for mourning. I had seen the inside of a titan's mouth for the second time, and I had no way of knowing I'd ever make it out alive. I needed this — these fleeting moments of passion in a world full of pain. We needed to be thinking about living — and fucking the shit out of each other — instead of being so preoccupied with the dead. Why couldn't he see that? Why couldn't I make him feel the need that I was feeling?

I was so hopeless: thrashing around in the dark only for him to pull me off like a dog. I was such a fucking idiot, and I had fucked everything up once again. But it made me wonder: why did the mistake of spilling tea make him want to bend me over a table and punish me, while here in his bed with my rock hard dick so close to erupting, one childish blunder was a total mood killer?

"If either one of us isn't one hundred percent comfortable, it's a no go. Do you understand? I'm just not comfortable taking things so fast. Also I'm injured. Do you see?"

He moved close to me and wrapped his arm around me, finding my hand and gripping it tightly. I let it lie limp, feeling too depressed to return the affection.

"Eren," he whispered, snuggling into the back of my neck. "Look … I just want everything to be perfect for us, when we do. I want you to be the only thing on my mind, so I can give you —" he kissed my shoulder, "— my —" he licked slowly up my neck, "— full —" he sucked on my ear, "— attention."

I shivered and clasped his hand tightly. I felt his smile against my skin and my heart ached, wanting so badly to become his. I needed it. I just needed to know how to make myself irresistible to him.

Hey, maybe Hanje would know.

"Now … Are you OK with waiting for me?" he said softly.

"Yes," I said. "I'm sorry for being too hasty, Captain."

I smiled to myself as he spooned me, and the castle grew silent once more.

Heichou's rules were made to be broken. And I planned to shatter them to pieces.

AN: Some credit goes to the manga and the anime in this chap, I couldn't ignore Levi's jokes and Eren's terrified reactions. It made me laugh so hard when I read/watched it, and is pretty much proof to me that ERERI IS CANON! Also, from now on this story is based on the manga, because the anime ends like right after Annie is captured. If anyone has not read the manga, I can try to spoil as little as possible. Let me know! I'm moving from the AoT to the SnK subsection on here, not sure what the difference is since they are both in the anime section, but that one has more stories! Anyway, that's where it'll be henceforth after this chapter :)

Heh, this chapter was a bit steamier than I intended, but I'm excited to start writing a few more "intimate" chapters after this! Sorry for making you guys wait :P This story ended up with a lot more buildup and development than I first intended and I'm not sure if it's good or not. Don't forget to tell me what you think, it's super helpful ;) Thanks to all those following and commenting so far, you guys are awesome!