Been a while since i've updated.

I've written more stuff but I've been busy with my two BANGs and summer school. Sorry!

Light-hearted comedy this time around. Poor Shikamaru.

.::[::]::.

[shikatema fic prompt! Temari and Yoshino meet. Shikamaru is absolutely terrified.]

He tried to stop her. He really did. But the crazy woman merely pushed aside his restricting arm, dodged around him as he lunged forward in a last ditch attempt to physically restrain her, and instead opened the screen door with such a ferocity that we winced, and then winced again as her heard his mother's shout of Who's there?! echoing throughout the Nara estate.

This was going to be hell.

He was going to die.

He, Shikamaru Nara, was going to die.

Granted it's not like he hadn't talked about Temari before; she had all but pried information out of him during dinners about his escort. He thought he made it very clear that she was a mission. But then again, his mother was insane: his protests, for all he knew, fell onto deaf ears as she got it in her head that she was something else.

Why, oh why did he have to mention her to Temari?

Because when the blonde replied with a terrifyingly-similar screech of greeting, he knew was in for a ride.

One he'd most likely not enjoy.

At all.

He saw her black hair first as his mother rushed towards the source of the sound, before the woman skidded into their door step with a beaming smile on her face. Her eyes widened as her dark brown eyes raked over the Suna-nin's frame, her tanned skin and rather voluptuous body a rarer sight within the Land of Fire. Shikamaru stared, a little concerned over what might come out of his mother's mouth – knowing her track record, she'd probably say something to offend the sand-nin and all hopes of a peaceful dinner would be thrown out the window.

However, in hindsight, perhaps he would rather have an insult than whatever the hell it was that came out of her mouth.

"Temari-san, right?" He couldn't help but to flinch as his mother immediately clasped her hands on the kunoichi's shoulders in a strangely over familiar manner. The look in said kunoichi's eyes seemed to reflect his own sentiments. "I've heard so much about you from my son – Shikamaru," she barked, the shadow-nin jumping as her tone whiplashed from warm and welcoming to icily cold, "put away our guest's shoes and get some tea going, why don't you?"

He sighed in defeat, knowing there was no way to win against his mother. The blonde shot him a look, no longer confused but more amused, her eyes twinkling with laughter as her lips curved into a smirk before the dark-haired mother of his lead her further into the estate. They're gonna have a field day, he thought with exasperation as he arranged Temari's shoes neatly along the edge of the ledge of the Tatami. I might as well kiss any dignity I had goodbye.

The two were already in the kitchen, his mother engaging the blonde in conversation, words fading into background noise to him as he tried to make his appearance as minimal as possible. He shuffled over to the kettle and turned it on, the water already inside sloshing as he pulled out some cups to make the tea in.

"I wasn't aware he talked about me that much."

He froze.

God damn it, he mulled as he threw tea bags into the mugs. He could hear both of their laughter – high pitched and so freaking girly that it made his blood curl. Hell, he didn't even know Temari could be girly – all he ever got out of her was a tongue-lashing and sharp, witty humour that was often at his expense.

He set down the cups before the two most fearsome women in his life and tried his best to escape before too much damage was done. But a scary, iron grip caught his hastily retreating forearm and if it weren't due to Yoshino being closer he probably would not have been able to tell who's hand it was. "Where do you think you're going, young man?" Her voice had suddenly drained of all earlier humour (and kindness, which admittedly, was still kind of scary to even entertain the possibility of his mother possessing sucha quality) and instead much darker and commanding.

He gulped. "Nowhere."

His mother flashes him a humourless smile as he sat down beside the blonde, who was chuckling not-at-all-inconspicuously into the back of her hand, not even bothering to disguise it as a fit of coughs. "I should try that on him sometime," she commented, humour colouring her tone as she lightly knocked her knee against his. He wasn't at all amused.

He really, really, didn't want to be sitting here right now.

His mother flashed Temari another warm smile. "It works on all Nara men," she said nonchalantly, picking up the mug and taking a hearty sip. She put down her mug and gave a scarily-toothy grin. That is a smile of a killer, Shikamaru thought subconsciously as he rubbed the back of his head with his hand. "You should've seen his father when he tried to get away from me the first time."

Mortification was not a strong enough word to describe what he was feeling.

As their laughter pricked like needles into his spine, Temari turned and gave him a hearty pat on the back. "He knows he can't escape from me, crybaby."

He half wished his mother would at least rebut her for insulting her son.

But instead she was nodding sagely.

He sunk himself further into his seat, trying to swallow the redness that must've begun to creep onto his cheeks.

"I'm surprised he hadn't brought you home sooner," his mother continued conversationally. The blonde only grinned in response.

"He said didn't really want us two together in the same room."

Mortification definitely was too light of a word as his mother's eyes steeled at her words, her eyebrow twitching. Why would you say that, he mouthed to the Sand kunoichi, who definitely registered the words but merely ignored him. "He said he could only handle one of us, or something."

"Hah, if neither of my boys had anyone to push them I swear they'd just be lying around all da-"

"Troublesome," He couldn't help but to snarl. He needed to get out of here, and fast. Temari was obviously enjoying herself, and, what was arguably worse, so was his mother. He ignored Temari's sound of protest and barely managed to dodge his mother's iron grip, though her glare and sharp "Shikamaru!" not lost on his senses.

He half expected his mother to come stomping after him, give him a loud scolding in front of the Sand kunoichi (though she would probably find it amusing) and then proceed to berate him on how to be a good boyfriend – as if his father ever was.

He knew who wore the pants in their relationship.

But instead, he didn't hear the thundering footsteps of his approaching doom.

What she next said, although partially obscured by the screen barrier, was much worse.

"He'll be back, unless he wants to starve tonight."

Realistically, he'd actually much rather go with the second option.