12. Forget the Rules, Forget the World

[Eren]

"The usual rules?" he asked.

Talking had turned out slightly more fun than I expected.

"The usual rules," I agreed.

I was kneeling on the floor of Levi's bedroom, my forehead pressed to the hard ground. Levi's floorboards were like the rest of our cabin: they shone clean but up close they were ruddy and discoloured with age. Funnily, I remembered the pattern on the floor of the courtroom a million years ago, when I had been in a position similar to this. I had noticed the way the tiles fit together as Levi pushed my face into them with his foot. Then I looked up and saw his face. I'd never forget that face. His eyes were fixed and cold, but there was a heat shimmering behind them somewhere terrifying, somewhere intriguing, somewhere I didn't understand. I understood it now, but I had yet to see those eyes quite the same again.

Maybe this pose would make Levi feel reminiscent, too. We had done a lot since then, but it was never quite enough. I wanted to feel his power like that again. I wanted him to hurt me like he did then. I wanted to see him forget the rules and lose control.

Fat chance of that, I reminded myself. My Master sure loves his rules.

Levi had looked so surprised to see me, kneeling on his bedroom floor after he returned from dinner. The daily experiments were doing wonders for my stamina, but I had taken the habit of feigning unconsciousness anyway on occasion. Like today, for example, it was easy to convince everyone that I should be left alone to rest until the morning. That meant that I was free to sneak into Levi's room while they were eating their meal, to wait for his return. Then we would have all night. We'd need it, if things went as I wished.

I explained this plan I had concocted to Levi, as I bowed my head to the floor at his feet. It was hard to tell, with him, which kinds of gestures annoyed him and which kind he appreciated. He could scold me for acting so impulsively, and for not consulting him for permission. And it was never the fun kind of scolding.

But now he was walking all around me, chewing his lip with half a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. I breathed more calmly, relieved, and my pulse rushed to my dick as it was prone to do when he looked down on me like that. I was so hot, and my body was tense from the day's work. I needed him to loosen it up. My mind raced with some of the interesting new terms I had learned that night in the forest. He had even sampled some of them for me, right then and there. Name calling … Maintenance … Tease and denial. I wondered which I'd get to try today.

"If you want to do it here, you'll have to be very quiet," he said softly.

Does that mean a gag?

I nodded eagerly, ready to get on with it. But after talking I had learned that Levi rarely liked to take things fast, even on a scene by scene basis. "I'll get you halfway to orgasm from anticipation alone," he'd told me, that night in the woods. And he sure had, licking and stroking me outside my clothes, tickling me with torturously light touches, lightly dabbing at the tip with his tongue …

There was so much precum that he coated his fingers with it and made me taste it. That was so fucking hot. I had never tasted it before, and the memory of it was deliciously vile. Usually, I just started by fucking my fist and didn't stop 'til I'd blown my load. Levi had other ways of doing things. Many other ways.

He approached me slowly. I had been waiting here awhile, all the time just barely resisting the urge to shove my hands down my pants. I wondered how he'd react if he caught me jerking off alone on his bed … maybe I'd finally get to see some of that punishment I'd been begging him for. Again, there was little chance of me being so lucky. But he had promised that we would get there sometime before the next mission. This time, I hoped no one got in the way by dying first.

My self-control had grown noticeably since our little romp in the forest, so I settled for just stroking outside my jeans periodically. He'd had me wailing like an animal and close to tears, begging him to let me finish after he'd gotten me to the edge for the fourth time. The 'please's had come out on each breath as I approached my limit, feeling the pressure building and building and and burning and coming so close to release … only for him to stop and leave me there with a volcano inside my dick, whimpering. When he finally allowed me, I came so hard that my shoulders lifted up off the picnic blanket and I headbutted him right in between the eyes. My sperm had coated his hand, dripped thickly onto the blanket and even made crisp and dull sounds as it shot out onto the forest floor to land unnaturally on dry leaves and mossy stones.

It took me forty minutes just to be able to stand again. That was the most intense orgasm of my whole life, even more amazing than losing my virginity. So it's not like I didn't understand the appeal of anticipation. But sometimes I just wanted it fast and hard and violent. Sometimes that's just what you need, you know?

Since that night, when my Master finally had his way with that little Contract of his, my impatience for our upcoming first scene was growing almost too much for me to bear. Now that I knew what was on the cards, there was really nothing stopping us from going full throttle. Oh, but he had his excuses. You're too exhausted from the experiments, he would say. We have to train you first, or you'll just hurt yourself. We can't do it on the fucking kitchen table, Eren, there are ten other people living in this blasted cabin! Pfff. I was fucking fine, and fine for fucking. And with everything that was going on around us — the pressure of performing well for Hanje's experiments, plus being the only hope for all our vital research and training and plotting — it seemed to me that becoming my Heichou's fuck toy at night might actually be a rather good bit of stress release.

From the pristine floor, I turned my head and peered up at him, and found him smiling fondly down at me. His face quickly turned severe when he caught me peeking. "Stand," he ordered, as if speaking to a dog.

Like a good boy, I scrambled quickly to my feet.

Standing, I was taller by a few inches, but Levi looked like a giant as he grabbed the front of my shirt and shoved me roughly against the wall. I gasped, my back hitting hard against the wood, while at the same moment I felt his grip on my neck, pinning me there. I was already hard as hell, but he angled his body away as he attacked my mouth with his. I kissed back messily, drowning in his heat and power. The tingling spread all over my body and accumulated in my groin, growing more and more unbearable as he tugged my lips between his teeth and ran his tongue up the side of my face. I let out a groan, which quickly turned into another gasp as his fingers tightened over my throat. I felt his thumb digging into the side of my neck and pushing where it started making it harder to breathe. I opened my eyes when he stopped kissing me, and was startled to see him peering up at me under a scarily low brow. His eyes stared into mine, cold and hard. My breaths came out in rasps and I felt my face beginning to grow hot and red as I struggled against him. I didn't know if I was panicking or if I really couldn't breathe, but my head began to swim and I was losing sight of his eyes.

"Don't hyperventilate," he'd warned me, that night. "Take calm breaths."

Remembering his rules, I breathed hard through my nose, forcing air out loudly and sucking it in as methodically as I could. I held onto his grey eyes, and when I felt like I was falling I just succumbed to them instead. And in that moment, I remembered another time I suffocated in a dream.

"Fight! Fight, you hear me?!"

The little girl's eyes were blank and black. The knife, trembling in her hands, was covered in blood from the two motherfuckers I stabbed. The third had me; he was going to kill me like I killed his friends. I had been kicking and shouting but my voice was failing now, gone with my strength as my hands dropped from the man's arms. My mind swam and my vision blurred as my heart seemed to beat almost outside of my body. I knew I was dying.

I never remembered his face. I only knew hers, and those solid black eyes. And when I looked down at my finger it was covered in blood.

The eyes in front of me now were not black and dead, but grey and full of passion. I wasn't falling, and yet he still managed to catch me. He would never hurt me. He had me by my heart.

"Fight," I whispered through clenched teeth.

My vision cleared and I caught a spark flicker in Levi's eyes, as his hand fell from my neck. I gasped in fresh air through my unconstricted airway — and he tugged my hair hard as he leaned up and shoved his tongue back into my mouth. My heartbeat was frantic, torn between this moment and the flashback. Why did I remember such a thing right now? Such a trivial, unerotic thing. It was Mikasa for crying out loud! I shook it off, trying to ignore the discomfort it brought me. My heart beat a drum against my chest, and I had to pull away from his kiss to cough and find my breath.

Smiling slightly, he kissed my cheek, drawing my head down to rest against his shoulder as he pressed his lips up my jaw and towards my ear. My head rolled, groaning, as he nibbled the lobe and then ran his tongue up all along the rim. The unwanted memory was immediately forgotten in the cloud of heat and lust. My knees dropped slightly, trembling, but it was not the same sort of quivering he had incited in me before. I was no longer quailing and overwhelmed by his touch. Now it was purely the arousal, with little to no fear left: only the desperation for more. I needed it. I needed it rougher and angrier and I needed to be used.

Levi kissed me slowly, regardless, kissing down my neck and kissing my clavicle and sticking his hands up my shirt to tease my nipples.

"Ahhh," I moaned slowly, leaning my head back and enjoying the sweet pinching that tingled my groin and set my dick to stiff. "Please, sir … I need it."

"What's that?" he asked innocently, his attention back on my eyes. He held my face in one hand, squeezing my cheeks until my lips pouted out like a duck. I couldn't imagine that it was very attractive. But I guess that wasn't the point.

"Please," I repeated. "Levi, please, I need your dick …"

Levi laughed a hard-edged laugh. Maybe my sex talk was really that cringey, but I'm pretty sure this was just some minor form of humiliation. Heichou was good at it, since it was very similar to how to talked to people in general. And it really fucking turned me on that the verbal abuse he used to fling at me in everyday situations was now the type of language he used to control me.

He stepped back slightly, pinning my shoulder against the wall with one hand as he began unbuckling his belt with the other. I watched, salivating, and whining a little at my inaccessibility. His eyes flicked up to mine, and he smiled menacingly. "You get what you earn, brat," he said. He reached up and shoved two fingers into my mouth. I closed my eyes and moaned as I sucked on them, feeling the resonance in my cock and ass. Oh fuck, I need him in me. I heard him growl and push me harder against the wall. My eyes flew open in surprise as his fingers kept going and travelled further into my mouth, sliding down my tongue towards my the back of my throat.

"Don't panic," he assured me gently, but still with that authoritative, know-it-all tone. "Remember what I told you."

A swelling sensation began in my throat and I closed my eyes tight. I could feel the retch building up, the panic of my body reacting in its instinctive way. But my mind knew that there was nothing to worry about. My mind knew it could suppress the knee-jerk reflex. It even fucking aroused me, him forcing his way into my body like this. I wanted it to be his dick, though, and I wanted to feel his tip bumping against my uvula. My breathing became laboured as I opened my mouth and flattened my tongue, as the joint of his thumb and forefinger reached my chin. I clutched his arm, feeling the physical gagging of my throat as my stomach even began to heave. I opened my eyes and found his, staring at me with that deadpan look of his. I glared back at him determinedly. I wasn't going to give up, even if I fucking puked on his hand.

He would definitely kill me if that happened, though. So better not.

Thankfully, I didn't puke, and soon he pulled his fingers out with a trail of spit as I coughed and spluttered. When I had just about caught my breath, he grabbed my chin and stuck his fingers back in, this time twisting his hand around to press his fingers gently into the roof of my mouth. I groaned again, but he held onto my neck and that somehow stabilised the unwanted peristalsis. The roof of my mouth was very ticklish, and I made a gross sucking sound as he made it all the way to the back. I felt the muscle of my throat spasming involuntarily, but the gagging did not reach my stomach anymore.

I gasped as he pulled his fingers out again, and I clung onto him for support as my body collapsed a little in relief. Levi wiped his fingers on my shirt as I gulped for air, and suddenly it was being ripped over my head.

He slammed his hands into my bare chest, knocking the air out of my lungs, and my head spun from the unexpectedly quick pace. I was against the wall again, wet and hot and flustered, as he proceeded to unbutton my trousers. He wrenched them down around my knees, bending down to help me step out of the legs. My dick throbbed, and I glanced down to see the top of his neat black hair and winced. Have I earned a little bit of head yet?

He threw my jeans across the room, and ripped my underwear off next. I shivered, my dick bouncing up all rigid and ready. I actually really liked the look of him on his knees in front of me. But then he stood up, leaning his head back to meet my eyes. "Get on the fucking floor."

I dropped immediately, almost shattering a kneecap in my haste. My chest inflated as I caught sight of his bulge up close. A whimper caught in my breath as I saw it outline against his tight black trousers. His slender fingers were one thing … but how was that supposed to fit in my throat?

He grabbed my hair and yanked my head back to look at him. He leaned down slightly, and spat right in my face. My mouth fell open, shocked, as he used my hair to drag me right up against his crotch. I felt the stiff cock against my cheek and instantly began rubbing my face all over it, desperately licking and wishing to taste it through the two layers of clothing. I felt like a fucking wild animal and I couldn't even help it anymore. His own spit was getting on his trousers and I licked it hungrily, imagining it was his cum, wanting all his fucking fluids soiling me and making me filthy.

I gnawed along the shape of the tip, and roved my eyes up to catch his reaction. His teeth were bared and he was breathing heavy. I looked back at the front of his trousers. My hands were clasped behind my back, uncertain as to whether or not they were welcome here. He answered that for me, as he unzipped his pants himself while still holding on tight to my hair. My neck grew hot, along with other places, as he pulled his penis out.

I let my mouth drop open slightly as I looked it over, its darkish pink head and the neatly cropped black hair above it. I was pretty sure I was leaking precum on the floor by now. I wanted it in me already, but I remembered the rules. Eye contact = good. Patience = torturous, but totally worth it. My eyes rose as Levi leaned over me, placing one hand on the wall behind to support himself. His eyes narrowed so fucking erotically, and he chewed his bottom lip as he directed his dick into my slightly agape mouth. I opened wider to allow its entry, my eyes still trained on his. A seedy sort of a smile creeped across his face as I closed my lips around the head and let him thrust gently in and out. I kept my hands behind my back, my own dick bobbing and pulsing like crazy between my legs. I moaned with his dick in my mouth, and watched his eyes fall shut as he groaned right back.

My mouth was filling up as I sucked and licked it, getting it all covered and beautifully lubed up. He pulled it out, and I panted as I grabbed his waist. My heartbeat pounded in my neck as I reached my other hand round and started stroking myself. I was panting hard, and needed more. My voice choked on its way out. "Levi — fuck my face —"

SMACK! My face was flung to the right with the force of his hand, and I quickly began to feel the stinging pain on my cheek. It didn't hurt too much or anything — he had tested some smaller levels of pain on me in the woods already, and I'd say it was technically a 'medium' slap — but I still reached up to shield my face as I gazed up at him in surprise and amazement.

He grabbed a handful of my hair and tugged it up a little, making me wince. "Horny brat," he growled. "I decide when your face gets fucked."

My eyes were wide at the look on his face. Fuck! I had never been so fucking hard. Then he forced my face down, grabbing me on either side of my head and pushing himself straight in — thrusting right into my throat —

I gagged immediately and he ripped it back out, giving me a moment to splutter and cough. He grabbed my chin and lifted my face up, narrowing his eyes. "What a useless brat. Can't even swallow a dick like he's supposed to."

"I can," I insisted. He hit me again and then pushed my face back onto his dick. I took it in my mouth, feeling euphoric and blinking furiously as I tried to remember his advice. Holy shit, this was so fucking hot. Heichou was not fucking around today.

Wrap your lips over your teeth. Flatten your tongue along the underside of the shaft. Focus your mind on not fucking puking. I'll kill you if you puke on me, Eren.

I stared at his neat little mound of pubic hair, and winced as I felt the whole thing filling my mouth and reaching the back of my throat. My eyes scrunched up, just trying to focus on not retching. And then —

"Ngh — ngh — Ah!" My eyes flew up in surprise as he pulled out of my mouth. Levi was leaning hard against the wall, one hand screwed up in a tight fist and the other still gripping my hair. His eyes were shut and his face was kind of flushed. HOLY SHIT. Levi was so cute.

I knew what had drawn this reaction, though. His smooth, wet tip had rubbed right into the back of my throat, and I had felt the tissue convulsing around it. Not only that, but a shudder ran over his dick at the same moment. I wanted to make him come so bad, to keep making him make those faces and those noises. Suddenly I found myself taking it back in myself and moving forwards and back on it, letting the gagging noises out and ignoring the discomfort. It was worth it just to see the agony on his face. I couldn't keep my eyes off him. The sounds we made together were incredible and loud and lewd. His were beautiful, and as my own ones joined them I felt his dick suddenly stiffen intensely.

Oh I wanna make him come down my fucking neck.

He wrenched my head back, panting, as spit trailed from the tip to my lips. I fought against his grip and took it back in my mouth, sucking the tip vigorously and swirling my tongue around the slit. Suck in your cheeks. Use your lips. Let me come in your mouth. I want you to swallow it.

A crazy idea took over me, and I grabbed his waist as if for support. He held my head in place as he thrusted back into my throat, pulling out every few seconds to give me a chance to breathe. His belt was loosened so his trousers were slack, and one of my hands felt its way over his firm ass, up to the small of his back. His skin was cold, but warmed up as I followed it down into his trousers.

He tensed a little. "Yellow," he muttered, as my hand inched down his crack. I thought that was kind of a weird thing to say, but who was I to judge the type of sex talk my Captain enjoyed? My pulse trembling, I shoved my hand further down his trousers, pushing my finger against the warm cleft and searching for the puckered opening.

"Yellow," he said more firmly, and before I knew what had happened he had grabbed my arm and shoved it away which such force that I fell to the floor. I let out a grunt, excited by his ferocity, and was sticking my ass out for him before I realised that my Captain was nowhere to be found. I looked around, still panting and drooling from the buildup, and saw him all the way across the room. He was turned half away from me, zipping himself up somewhat frantically. He looked kind of angry. He looked kind of disturbed.

I opened my mouth, and then noticed that my throat was kinda sore.

"I said yellow, Eren. Twice."

I blinked at him. What the fuck did he mean by yellow? Did he have dementia or something?

"What did I tell you?" he shot at me. "Don't go near my butt. What did you think I meant by that, exactly?"

"Shit," I groaned, my aching dick not really enjoying this particular change in tempo. "I'm sorry, Levi. I forgot."

"You forgot? Two hard limits I have, Eren. Two. You can't just go and do shit like that after I fucking told you not to."

"I'm sorry," I repeated, resisting the urge to roll my eyes. I got to my feet, fidgeting slightly in my nakedness and eyeing the ground as I avoided his annoyed glare. Why did he get to wear all his clothes, anyway? "I just thought … I mean, never?"

"Never," he confirmed. "That's what a hard limit means."

I pouted slightly.

Levi hated that. He tch'ed. "Eren, I'm not being fucking stingy here. It's not like I'm holding out on you. The thing makes me genuinely uncomfortable. I don't like it."

"You haven't even tried!"

"Yes, I have! I'm in my thirties, Eren, I know what I like and what I don't, and what I can and can't compromise on. I just can't. OK? It makes me feel gross."

"Mine doesn't make you feel gross," I muttered.

"Oh, don't be like that. You like bottoming, right?"

"You could still be on top," I said quickly. "You would still have the control, and I could just …" He was shaking his head, and I realised it was a lost cause. I gave him a pleading look, but it only made him seem more agitated. My lover sure was unrelenting. So, I guessed that was it: I would never get to fuck him. I would never get to feel how tight he was or pound him 'til he screamed or release my seed inside him and watch it trickle out again. Never.

This was kinda shit.

"Look, Eren, you can't just forget stuff like this. And I suppose you forgot the safeword, too? That goes both ways, you know!"

"Safeword?" I repeated dumbly. "What's a safe word?"

He threw his hands up, raising his voice. "Do you listen at all? For fuck's sake, am I gonna have to start giving you homework and pop quizzes?"

I stammered, trying to recover the situation with climbing desperation. "I — you never mentioned the term safeword before, Heichou! Seriously!"

"Never mentioned—?" he started, clearly close to boiling point. He had grit his teeth and was beginning to prowl towards me. "You think I could forget something as important as that?" Suddenly, he slowed and stopped. His eyes rolled up thoughtfully towards his right brow, and his mouth mouthed noiselessly for a moment before he widened his eyes. "I — forgot to mention the safe word?"

My body was shaking. I was almost more scared now. "Yeah … you never mentioned it."

He brought his hands to either side of his face, looking absolutely stricken. He mouthed a little more, unable to get the words out, before collapsing into his desk chair so suddenly that I jumped a little.

"Oh, shit," he said, burying his face in hands. "Shit."

I inched closer, nervously, and reached out to him without actually touching him. "Levi? What's wrong? What's a safeword?"

He turned and dropped his head onto the desk with a groan. "It's the word you use instead of stop," he muffledly told the wood. He banged his fist on the table. "You say green to keep going, or go harder; yellow to change position, or to stop what we're doing and try something else; and red to halt the scene entirely. And you mean to tell me that this whole time, we've been doing all this shit without safe words?"

"Well, yeah."

He lifted his head, his hooded eyes wild with panic. "All of it? … Shit. Eren, are you OK?"

"Of course I am!" I yelled, shaking my hands in the air. "I would have just said stop!"

Levi's face twitched, and he went back to lying on the desk. His head rolled away from me and I saw the back of his undercut. "I'm the worst person ever."

"No you're not!" I insisted. All this self-deprecating bullcrap was so unlike the Captain Levi I thought I knew. It was the same the night in the forest, when he told me about his past in the underground city: he was always so hard on himself, blaming himself and feeling guilty for whatever those jerks did to his friends. That's where his obsession with rules and regulations and his overthinking came from, I was sure of it. But it was unhealthy: he was holding onto something that happened so long ago in the past, so long ago that I hadn't even been born. "You're not," I repeated. "And I don't understand. Why can't I just say stop?"

Levi's shoulders lifted in a heavy sigh. "Because sometimes you might want to say stop as part of a scene. Like, a rape fantasy or something. You could be saying stop — get off me — please don't …stuff like that, all the way through. So we need a safe way for you to tell me when or if you're seriously not OK. Also, if you're pretending not to be enjoying shit you can't exactly say yes, I'm good, fuck me harder."

My heart did little flutters as Levi lifted his voice to imitate a submissive. It was really weird to hear those words come out of his mouth. And all I wanted was to fuck him, not to mention hard or harder. All we ever seemed to do was talk, and all the rules bled the spontaneity dry. I thought that maybe in the heat of the moment he'd be into it. But I guess I was the only one getting fucked around here.

I swallowed, remembering my unexpected flashback today. She never fought them, never said no or told those guys to fuck off. She never told me to stop, either. Why was only one finger red?

I hadn't thought about that day in a really long time. It was kind of ironic that choking turned me on now when it almost killed me back then. Ironic … or really fucked up.

My stomach roiled. I shook myself. This was why thinking too much and dwelling on the past was a bad idea. It was better to forget, to push it all into the back of your mind until it disappeared. And I wasn't exactly about to tell Levi that a baby Mikasa popped into my head when while we were making out. That was just wrong.

So I put Mikasa's empty eyes into a box and hid it away in my mind. I touched Levi's shoulder timidly, feeling his hard back muscles through his shirt. The present was far superior the the past anyway, and the future even better.

Still buck naked, I knelt down to hug him around the waist. "You don't need to worry so much about me. I'm not gonna get hurt, Levi. I can handle it."

His body tightened a little, and he turned his head to me finally but didn't lift it off the desk. Those eyes were always so shadowed and tired. Was that because of all the guilt and sorrow he carried around with him? "I can't believe I forgot …"

"Forget it," I whispered, meeting his eyes with a shy smile.

He chuckled, and then frowned. "I'm sorry, Eren."

"It's alright."

"It's really not, though."

"Well … it is now." I watched his eyes smile sadly, and gave him a small squeeze. I leaned my head on his knee, as my blood began to heat up once again.

"Green," I whispered.

He grinned. I was still naked, and his eyes roved downwards as my dick began to rise and grow. I blushed, and he glanced back to gaze into my eyes, chewing his lip with a playful smile. "Green," he agreed, and kissed me hard.