So ... BDSM warning. But you could guess that by the name of the chapter. Also ... some pretty traumatic stuff (I think?) is gonna start happening as of now in terms of abuse and stuff. Just to warn ya. I'm thinking maybe it's very sudden, like maybe I could have foreshadowed better so I wouldn't feel the need to warn at this point. Bleugh. I am very nervous but I'm just gonna do my best to tell the story I wanted to tell, and constructive criticism is always welcome. Thanks everyone for reading :)
13.
~Scene~
[Through a Little Boy's Eyes]
~Levi~
I didn't tell Eren that our next mission was returning to Trost to weedle out the suckers who were after him, or that we'd be using his horse-faced friend as bait for him once again. His memories of that district were less than fun. Despite saving it, it was that town that stole the first lives from his fellow trainees.
Plus, I didn't need him in any strange state of mind before then. I had promised him his scene, after all.
Into the woods we went, just the two of us (and Hanje, at an appropriate distance) in broad daylight, telling the teen dream team or so-called squad of mine that we were heading out of town to meet with Erwin before the events of the next day. The Commander needed a rundown of the experiments, and of Eren's physical state, we told them. Really, I just needed the light of day to make sure my knots were secure and to see my sub's skin turn red and welted.
I had already been out to scout for a good spot, anxious and itching for action. Really, anything at all should have been fine, as long as there was something to tie him to. But I had very specific urges, and needed a variety of places to chain him up, bend him over, anchor him, suspend him, mount him … I could go on. But mainly I preferred somewhere near a lake or some body of water so that I could have a wash afterwards. Eventually I settled for a grove by a shimmeringly clear pool, shaded by a tree with thick branches and twisted roots that were stiff in the earth. I had fitted the chains to a strong protruding branch already, and two more hooked under the roots to secure him a little closer to the ground if necessary.
We unhorsed and I tossed him a bar of soap, telling him to go wash in the lake as I unpacked and spread the blankets. He obliged with heartfelt subservience, and rushed out of his clothes. It was warm, and I wiped sweat from my forehead as I heard his clothes thud to the forest floor. I turned, distracted for a moment, and my breath caught in my throat as my eyes fell on his nude body. How many times had I seen it by now, and still I felt I would never shake off the immediate arousal it surged through me. I watched unseen as he let the water lap around his toes, raising his arms up in surprise at the apparent cold. His back was glistening with sweat from the heat and the horsehide here, and the sun seemed to make his tan skin gleam gold.
He walked out into the lake and splashed in, keeping his head above the water level, and shrieked a little as the cool liquid engulfed his body. Laughing, he turned and caught me staring with one hand gripping my crotch. He grinned at me, treading water. As I watched, his feet found the bed of the lake and he rose a little, rubbing his hands in the soap. His face turned pink, and his arm reached around behind him. He closed his eyes and wrinkled his brow, and only when his mouth fell open a little did I realise why — he had begun touching himself.
His eyes opened, and he blinked lustily at me in the sunlight. I rose slowly to my feet, my hand closing around a leather restraint.
[Eren]
"Get over here."
Heichou's expression was terrifying — it turned me on so much. I scrambled out of the lake, cold water cascading off my body as I felt the heat building inside me that had nothing to do with the sun on my skin. I approached him cautiously, glancing at the bag of tricks whose contents were spilling out onto the blanket he had just laid down. I just saw a shitload of rope.
I swallowed nervously, falling to my knees in front of him. He took a towel from the bag and dried me off, making me wince as he rubbed and patted down my balls and dick. If he noticed my erection he didn't let on, because his face was as unreadable as ever. His eyes were slightly lowered, though, and he was entirely silent except for the occasional curt order.
"Get up." I got up. He rummaged in the bag, procuring some more leather straps. I widened my eyes, and shifted my weight nervously, bowing my head and raising my eyes to study him shyly as he approached. Without a word, he took my hand and fitted a cuff around my wrist, tightening it with the buckle. The piece had extra material that I could hold in my palm, and ended in a long strap and thick metal hook. He fitted another on my other hand and then bent down to tighten two more around my ankles. The leather was pliable and soft against my skin, so different from the bulky shackles I had previously worn in bed.
I held my hands over my dick as I glanced down to see Levi at work. His face was calm, empty, and peaceful. His thin eyebrows, usually so full of expression — be it lowered in anger or furrowed in annoyance — were now flat and relaxed above eyes fixed with concentration. I remembered the time when Hanje recommended to me that I avoid Levi's eyes, to perhaps remind him of the scene-like behaviour of his perfect sub who would never look upon his face without permission. He had never mentioned this when we discussed the Contract, but I swear it had worked, and to be honest it was exciting for me too. I was not worthy to look at my Master. It felt nice to not be worthy. It meant I had something to strive for.
He had secured hooks into the chunky roots of this tree, and now used a chain to attach them to my ankle cuffs. He pulled my legs into position, about shoulder width apart, and tightened the chain until there was only a little room for movement. I tilted my head back, my breathing becoming more excited, as the restriction of my legs incited a trembling in me.
Next, he worked with my hands, attaching the cuffs to a hook that was suspended above my head. The hook was in turn attached to a rope which was wrapped over the branch and down again to loop around a knot in the tree at ground level. He pulled on the ropes as I raised my arms up, and when I was all but forced onto my tip-toes he secured them there.
I stared at the canopy above me as he backed away to observe his work. I glanced down, and felt an excitement grip my chest and loins at his gaze. My neck felt hot, my nakedness amplified by the expanse of the forest and the lake behind me. So much space, and yet I could barely move. So vulnerable … and it had me hella hard.
"Look at me," he ordered, and my eyes flew to his. "Don't hang by your arms. Can you stand comfortably on your feet?"
I nodded, gripping my cuffs and swinging slightly from the chain above me in eagerness.
He chuckled. "Straighten your shoulders. Chest out … Good. Very good."
I smiled, my posture feeling more proud and powerful. He bit his lip as his eyes ran greedily all over my body, lingering at my erection as he smirked back. I glared at him, my body pumping blood and heat, and spat on the ground.
His face grew still, his eyes roving up to mine. I grinned, bowing my head and relishing the tightness in my shoulders as my arms hung above my head, the strength in my legs keeping me standing. I held onto my restraints, imagining it was Levi himself supporting me, restricting me, entrapping me.
I was here, laid out like a feast for the taking. Come get me, Master.
~Levi~
Heart beating and groin swelling, I went to the bag and laid out the canvas roll quickly and efficiently. On it I placed a few choice items: condoms, a jar of lube, a pair of black plastic gloves … and a flogger.
I heard Eren inhale sharply as I unveiled the instrument. I smiled to myself, and slipped on one of the gloves. Putting the lube in my pocket and rolling up the sleeves of my white shirt slowly, I stood up again to approach him. His eyes were full of defiance, brimming with longing and thirst. I studied him with interest. He had turned into such a bratty sub since the loss of his virginity. Which was fine, I guess. No matter how hard he tried to look alpha now, soon I'd break him, and he'd only break harder this way. In the dappled forest light he was both shadowed and lit in brightness, magnificent in his chains before me. Taller than me, his stomach and abs stretched as his arms reached over his head, his hands gripping the chains that held them there. The way the position tugged his muscles was perfect; bulged biceps and flat belly and strong thighs, with a nice rigid cock in between.
I stopped and stared at his body for a moment, feeling positively giddy. I reached up and pushed his hair from his face, stroking it back behind his neck and feeling the heat of his blood beneath my fingers. His skin was warm and smooth, and I pushed deep into it, massaging as I moved down towards his chest. His eyes were bright and alive, emeralds glimmering in his beautiful young face, and followed me heatedly wherever I moved. His thick eyebrows shifted to match the noises he made: furrowed with a groan, raised with a moan, and wrinkled up with discomfort and pain only to let out a whimper so sensual that I'd swear he could make me come from the sound alone. But there was too much I wanted to do to him to allow for that sort of thing. There really was no time to waste.
The boy had very little hair, even for a fifteen year old. I touched his chest, clutching the small amount of flesh that covered his tight young body. He began huffing and puffing as I found my way to one of his nipples, teasing it between my thumb and forefinger. His head dropped and his hair fell into his flushed face. I pulled harder, reaching up to kiss his neck as his body jerked and more of his cute noises came tumbling out. I chewed my lip, took the jar from my pocket, and flicked the cap off.
"Ahhh — fff—" he muttered, his whole body shuddering as I rolled his foreskin back and directly rubbed the head with my lubricated hand. He was hard as a rock, and I held him tight as I moved my hand back and forth on him as he trembled and cried out.
My hands were greedy. As one focussed on his penis, switching back and forth between using my fingers and my fist, the other travelled up his abdomen, rubbing his tight muscles and moving back up to pull and tease at his nipples. Then, I moved around back and pulled him close to me, using one hand to jerk him off as the gloved one reached under his taint and drew a line of gel from his balls up to his cute little hole.
"Ah—!" The chains clinked together as he jumped slightly. It wasn't clear whether or not he was trying to escape or get closer. Either way, he would fail. I had him trapped, all for myself. And this was nothing yet.
I threw off the glove, and came around front to grip his skin again, and with the tightness of his chains there was very little space in which he could move comfortably. When I pulled, he came with me, clambering onto his toes to stay aloft. When I pushed him back, he swung and scrambled to flatten his feet again, panting. He looked up at me through his hair, his eyes watering slightly.
"Beautiful," I said, admiring his posture. "What's your colour, Eren?"
"Green."
His breath was heavy and fast in his stomach, but he stood firmly on his feet. I threw the lube back onto the canvas sheet and grabbed his chest in both my hands. His eyes widened.
"Ready?"
"Mm hm!"
Quickly, I pulled back both my hands and slapped his pecs, hearing him groan, and pulling his nipples again. I pressed my fists to his chest, pulled back, and punched flat against his toned chest.
"Mmph!" he moaned, screwing his eyes up. My hands roved down to his tight abs, slapping and punching, and pushing into his skin with the tips of my fingers until even his tanned skin got red.
Then I moved away, picking up the flogger. His breathing increased in pitch, an adorable noise of fear and longing. I looked over my shoulder at him, sweat and lubricant making his body shine and glow. I gripped the flogger in my right hand, and pulled at the leather straps with the other. The smell was good; it smelled like power. My head was swimming with it, the strength in my body growing with this exhilaration. I went around his back, spinning the flogger slowly, letting gravity bring down the ends to brush his back and butt gently. He shivered and winced from just that touch, and spasmed slightly when I pulled away. I smiled, trailing it along his skin, tapping it lightly in between his legs and hearing his snuffled moans as it slapped his balls. Biting my lip against my grin, I came around his front and did the same all over, spinning and slapping ever so slightly with the lightest touches I could muster, feeling my arm commanding his body, my member responding to every move I performed and every wince and whimper he emitted. Finally, his suffering got too much and I knew I couldn't bear it any longer. I stepped behind him again, watching the sweat on the back of his neck as he hung his head, breathing.
I tugged the flogger in my hand, nervous excitement spilling from my chest. "Ready?"
"Yes — sir!" he panted.
I spun the flogger slowly against him once again, as his breathing became loud and erratic. "Breathe properly," I instructed. "Calm down. That's it." I took my stance, feet spread and knees bent slightly. I sped up, increasing the force slightly to prepare him, before pulling it up, and whipping back down with my whole body to slash against him.
[Eren]
Smack!
The thing was like thunder and lightning: I heard it first, then felt the flash of pain. I hadn't intended to cry out, but it was impossible to hold it in. My body jolted forwards with the force of the hit, and I struggled to remain on my toes as I gasped and swung on the chains. A wide patch of skin on my back was stinging from the leather straps, but in between my legs was tingling too.
Green, I thought, Green green green. How often was I supposed to say it?
Smack!
Before I knew it, he had hit me with another blow and I yelped out in surprise. The slap of the leather tassels was far stronger than I expected, and I squeaked as he used lighter slaps in between hits on the increasingly sensitive skin.
Smack!
"Mmfh!"
Smack!
"Nmfh!"
Smack!
"Mffhl!"
I braced myself each time, and each time failed to anticipate his hits. He swung at me consistently in time, but with varying force, and never ever left the same number of gentle hits in between the big ones.
Smack! Smack! Smack!
"Ah! … Ah! … Agh …!"
SMACK!
"ARGH!"
My knees almost went from under me, but I pulled myself back up back up by my chains and stood on violently trembling legs. The device had left my back stinging and swelling all over, my entire body feeling the effects as I struggled to keep my strength.
Levi came around the front, running his hand through the leather straps, his eyes meeting mine. I was out of control crazy feral at this stage, my entire mind and body feeling on fire and fuzzy, and when he reached down and grabbed my dick I screamed out in an agonised ecstasy, the chains clink-clanking as I squirmed and cried. My body was burning on the outside, my mind flattened to nothing but these sensations and this moment. He came up close, growling in my ear, kissing and sucking and biting my neck as his fingers worked on me, his thumb rubbing the banjo string and making me spit and curse wildly. "Shit — Levi, ff — fuck! — ah, ungh— Levi, Levi, ah, Levi!"
SMACK!
"Master," he corrected, and in some insanity I began laughing. That was something I had asked of him, as part of our negotiation. He was rewarding me.
"Master, master, m—m—ma —aaahh!" My voice squeaked as his pumping on my dick reached a new height, right before he pulled away and whipped at me again and again and again with his crazy whip thingie. "Sh—shit — ah — Argh!"
He lashed down on me mercilessly, on my thighs and my chest and lightly on my stomach and lower back, interchangeably barely brushing the ends against me and landing full blows with wide motions of his entire body; raining down from above, from the side, or swiping from below; spinning the tails of his whip or coming at me like a wet towel in the boy's showers. I don't know how long we went at it, but my arms began to ache from being suspended, my body close to collapse and my outer layer searing. But always, just as the pain became overbearing, he would switch to pleasure, pushing all this heat and energy into my cock and pushing me close to combustion. At some point he began spanking me with his hand, and I relished his singing touch and raised my ass to meet him. Eventually, he reached up and loosened my chains, letting my arms drop as I staggered forwards and almost tripped as I realised my feet were still tied down. He kissed me roughly, and then grabbed my head and pushed it down to his crotch, fucking my face as I leaned over half-bent and exhausted, relieved to take a break to pleasure my Master instead. I didn't even know when he got his dick out. I didn't even know anything anymore. I just felt triumphant, like I had survived and taken my beating, proudly and gladly; and had done a good job of it, too. I felt elated as I choked his dick down, listening to his groans and grunts as I moaned and swallowed his dick into my throat.
He let the rope go entirely and I collapsed to my knees, my hands still strapped together. I heard the whip thud to the floor and he knelt down in front of me. I looked up, panting and panging, and he removed a stake from his bag and drove it down into the ground inside the loop of my restraints, fixing the chains there. Then he pushed me down to lie on the blanket, and knelt over me, touching my hair and looking down fiercely into my eyes. He kissed me, gently, romantically, with loving touches and sensual bites, as I floundered about in pathetic response. The transition made my head spin. I felt like I was on a cloud. And I didn't understand why he had stopped short. I wanted to come for him while I was all tied up, and I wanted him to fuck me standing up like that. After a few minutes, he reached over and picked up the rope.
My eyes widened: more?
He undid my foot straps and I looked down at the red marks they had left, growing stiff from the little leftover ache. The rope was thinner than I expected but it looked soft, and was sectioned into many pieces of equal length. He doubled it over itself and wrapped it once around my chest, then twice, each time pulling the ends through the loops and hooking two fingers beneath it to check the tightness. He made two bands, one above my nipples and one below, and secured them again with tighter knots at the back.
I lay on my back, watching him work with growing interest. My skin was electric under his touch, the strain of the rope constricting me ever so slightly every time I inhaled. I had to choke down whimpers and groans as he continued working with the rope for what seemed like hours. And as it went on I found myself discovering parts of my body I had never even noticed before. My inner thighs, the backs of my calves, my pecs … but still my dick throbbed and ached.
After a time he stepped back, and circled me to check his work. I looked down at myself and admired the beautiful intricate weaving of the rope on my body. My hands were still chained to the post but my legs were bent up over my head, ankles tied to my wrists with layers and layers of rope. I tried to struggle against it but it was no use: I was firm and secure. I was a little tense at first, but slowly started to relax into the ropes and allowing them to support me. I gazed up at him, as he pulled on his black glove with a steely glint in his eyes.
I swallowed. He really could do anything now.
~Levi~
Hot damn. Had he been hard this whole time? Teenagers are incredible. I leaned down and took it in my mouth, hearing him gasp and moan and my own dick growing very hard as I looked down on him all tied up. I licked it lightly, rubbing the great bulging vein beneath with my thumb as I massaged his balls and then slowly tickled my way down towards his hole. He threw his head back, gulping air, and I watched with growing sadistic pleasure and he tried to fight free of the confines of the ropes and failed.
I scrambled up beside his head and undid my pants, delighting in his eagerness as his head followed me and he automatically opened his mouth wide and stuck out his tongue. I gripped onto his hair, pulling his lips onto my cock and thrusting inside, groaning slightly as I surrendered the wet, warm sensation and his gently swirling tongue. He really had learned a lot so quickly. I looked down as I stroked his hair, and saw his eyes wide as I felt his throat vibrate as he moaned on me. I grit my teeth, my neck straining against the noises of my arousal. He struggled again, trying to free his arms, and I looked down and grabbed his dick, feeling his shriek as all the activity became too much. I pumped on his dick while thrusting into his mouth, and watched and stared in awe as he screwed up his eyes and made noises like sobbing.
Then his eyes opened, and he stared straight up at me: savage, like an animal, and he gagged and groaned on my penis.
"Fuck," I moaned, biting my lip as I felt a mighty pulse shudder through me and threaten an early finish. But I was not ready to be done here. I pulled out and moved around on my knees, thankful for the thick blanket I had laid down, and positioned myself between his legs. He was wide open for me, his legs tied up to his head, his knees bent back and gorgeously displaying my entryway.
I quickly grabbed the condom box and rolled one onto myself, lubing up again liberally and rubbing up and down as I watched him watching me, the slight edge of panic lighting up his eyes for just a second as he realised what it was time for. Next, it was desperation, and he squirmed and drooled in a hot mess in front of me. I stared at him, engrossed, watching the ropes rubbing against skin still pink from the flogging. "Wow," I muttered, biting my lip and rubbing gently against his hole.
"Ooooh shit!" he gasped, thrusting gently and throwing his head back as I rubbed up and down his ass gently, clutching his thighs and pushing them further towards his head. He groaned as his body was curled back, raising his asshole to hip height for me on my knees. I felt the hollow and pushed against it harder, reaching for his dick and helping him out with the discomfort. "Fuck!" he cried, blinking wildly, as his moans turned into screams as I slowly entered him, his tightness wrapping around me, the heat burning me up and making me hard as a rock inside him — deep inside — so deep — all the way in —
"Oh, my —" he panted, as he looked down and saw me fully inside him. His eyes flew open wide at the sight. I grunted, pulling out with a kick of pleasure and thrusting back in. My stomach was on fire, my dick thrumming with the building tension as I fucked him hard, my hands everywhere, sinking into his skin, mixing sweat and breath and becoming one. I leaned over and kissed him, swallowing his moans and licking up his trembling neck to capture his pulse. My hips moved beyond my control, my hand flying on his dick as I thrust into fire and ecstasy and blinding tightness as I felt my power growing — and building — and climbing —
"Oh … oh … ah — Ah —AH!— ARGH!" Eren's jaw clenched and his head flew back as his body convulsed, his legs kicking out against his binds and his arms convulsing. I gaped open-mouthed as I felt the great beating in his cock and pumped that milky white filth from his penis. He shrieked as it finally flew out, pouring out like a fountain onto my hand, his stomach, and just kept coming while I rode into his ass and his whole body clenched up just before the relief. When the great sigh came, I ripped my dick out of him and threw off the condom with my gloved hand, then tore a knife from my belt and hacked through the ropes holding his ankles back. His legs crashed to the ground as he yelped in surprise, and I climbed up onto his chest. My knees either side of my head, I reached down and pressed my forehead to his, running one hand through his hair, and reaching for myself with my other.
Still panting, Eren lowered his eyes to gaze lustily at my ready-to-blow, trembling cock beneath his chin. I grunted, watching his eyes rove up to mine and glisten with passion as he let his tongue hang out, barely reaching my tip. I chomped down on my lip and pushed into his mouth, losing my breath as I shoved it all the way until I felt the softness of his throat. My neck was radiating heat, my lower half broiling, as I pulled it back out and pumped on it with my fist. My vision darkened, and I could just barely see Eren waiting patiently with his tongue out to catch my cum.
"Heh — heh — ngh — ngh—aarrgh!"
My body collapsed, my hand catching me as the junk exploded from my tip, spilling out onto Eren's chin. He recoiled initially but quickly recovered, pulling his head down to his chest to catch it on his tongue as I watched the white disappear behind his red lips. I pushed it all out, my breathing staggered and my body shaking uncontrollably, as I looked down and caught Eren's eyes on my come-down. He gazed at me for a moment, then his tongue peeked out and ran along his lips, picking up more of the clearish white shit, pulling it inside his mouth and swallowing it. I barely concealed a gasp, and took his head in both my hands as I leaned over and pushed the tip down into his mouth. He sucked it clean, eyeing me closely as I winced and panted, and eventually collapsed on top of him in delightful exhaustion.
The filthy brat swallowed it.
I grunted, planting a rough kiss on Eren's forehead. I had never felt such devastating bliss.
He was the one. I was in love. This was it.
I really should've brought a toothbrush, though.
[Eren]
For a moment we lay, sticky and dirty and panting. I stared up at the trees, my own sperm pooling on my stomach and growing cold; Levi's on my face still slightly warm. The strange smell was right beneath my nose and the taste was sort of spoiling in my mouth. I felt weird ... empty, almost, like a shell. I couldn't even register what had just happened. I just lay, bound by my hands and stinging all over, tasting and smelling his semen and feeling his marks on my body without comprehending.
Even after he wiped it away, I could still taste it and smell it and see it in his eyes.
He sat up, wiping me down with tissues, and then reached for my chains.
"No," I said quickly. He looked down on me, wrinkling his brow. How could he make such an innocent expression, after what we had just gone through together? How could he sit, even move, after such an earth-shaking experience? I felt like I could die. Or rather, that I had only just begun living.
I wanted to stay tied here forever. Here, where I had no control, and yet I felt so powerful.
I swallowed, tasting him on my tongue again, the bitterness clinging down my throat. "Just a little while longer."
He smiled slightly, and lay his head on my chest. One hand reached up and stroked my hair softly. My forehead was slick with sweat, my hair clumping damply and the ropes rubbing in a different way now. I don't think I could have moved even if I was unbound. And I didn't really want to, either.
Suddenly, I felt a tightness in my throat and felt my eyes begin to sting. Shit. Eren, do NOT cry right now. Don't fucking do it. Do not—
I shut my eyes tight but it was too late. Tears welled and spilled out silently. Then my shoulders begun to shake, and finally a hiccup gave me away. Levi sat up, saw my face, and immediately released my arms. I tried to sit up, failed, and then just curled into a ball on my side, holding my face and sobbing uncontrollably.
He held me, spooning me from behind and squeezing gently. "Eren … what's wrong?"
"I don't kn-kn-know," I replied honestly, unable to stop. Something was wrong with my head. First the flashbacks, now this? Oh fuck, the flashbacks. My eyes flew open, darting in their sockets, suddenly flung back into reality. Before I knew what I was saying, I had blurted out, "I just can't stop thinking about Mikasa!"
I felt Levi's body tense, freezing up like stone. "What?"
I clutched my hands to my face, shaking it back and forth wildly into the dirt. "No, not like that! It's just — oh, shit — I feel really weird and I only just remembered now. Mikasa used to climb into my bed when we were kids and — and she used to touch me and stuff." The words belched out of me like vomit, before I even realised that it was true. I hadn't remembered — how was that even possible? I knew it had happened; I had known it all along. So why was it like I had forgotten?
Levi sat up, and I spun around to see his face. It was stricken, his eyebrows dangerously low.
Ooooh shit. Oh no. Oh no. I leapt up, clinging to his arm as I realised how stiff and sore my body was. "Levi — I'm sorry, I never wanted her to do it, I swear! The only reason I'm saying this at all is that I just remembered, and … and I know how you really liked the idea of being the first person to ever touch me." My eyes teared up again, and I turned away from him shamefully. "I'm sorry!"
I felt his grip on me, and almost flew into a panic. But he just grabbed my arms on either side and yanked me back to face him, shaking me a little as he did. I looked up into his face as he gazed earnestly into mine. "Eren," he said, his voice croaky and low, "are you telling me that Mikasa raped you?"
"Rape?!" I squeaked. "No, no, no! NO! No way, it wasn't like that!"
His eyes were so stern, his grip unyielding. "You said you didn't want her to."
"Yeah, but we were just kids! She didn't know what she was doin—"
"Regardless of her age or intentions, that's still sexual abuse." Levi's hand reached to my cheek, and his eyes glinted as he looked at me for a moment, before pulling me into a tight embrace. "That must have been so traumatic for you, Eren."
I felt sick. I blinked the rest of my tears away, and sighed, feeling rather like I had overreacted about all this in the first place. His reaction was disturbing me more than the thing itself. I didn't really remember anything traumatic about it. I didn't really remember anything about it, except that it happened. "It's not a big deal," I laughed awkwardly, sniffling.
Levi paused, and pulled me away to look into my face. "Not a big deal? Eren, I understand if you don't want to talk about it …" he said, and I held back a sigh of relief. But then he averted his eyes, continuing bluntly. "… right now. But this could have been seriously damaging to you. Why else would you have blocked it out? You understand what I'm saying, right?"
I frowned, feeling my heart fall into my stomach. "Oh … I get it," I said dully. "You think I'm fucked up, don't you?"
"No, I—"
I held my face in my hands. "But I am, aren't I? I'm fucked up, just like you. That's what's made us like this — wanting to do these things …"
Levi dropped me. I looked up in surprise, and saw him staring at me with wide eyes. For a second he clenched and unclenched his hand, and I thought he was going to slap me. But then he turned towards the lake. "No. That's not true. We don't need a reason to be like this. This is just … what we're like." He looked down on me. "Just like me?" he repeated.
I got to my knees, breathing heavily. "I didn't mean …" I began weakly, but trailed off. It was useless. I couldn't take it back.
He looked away again. Oh shit. What had I done? When I went to him, he touched my hair and held me to his chest, but he didn't look into my face.
He was absolutely silent for a long time, and I felt like crying all over again.
Eventually, I felt him exhale a little. "I spent a lot of time dealing with my issues, Eren," he told me. "For the first time in my life, I finally feel like those demons are behind me. And that's because of you." I stared at him, my heart stopping, as he turned to meet my eyes sternly. "I'm fine. But if you're not, we will deal with it together. In the meantime, we shouldn't do any more of this."
"Any more of what?" I asked dumbly. He looked down on me with a pained look, and then it clicked. "No," I said, shaking my head and clutching his shirt. "Levi, please, no. I'm fine. I swear. Please, we've only just started." I wiped the half-dried tears from my face, and he grimaced as I bent down on my knees. "Please!"
He got up, and scooped me up into his arms. "Let's just wash and go back to the cabin. You'll feel better when you're cleaned off."
No, that's you, I thought miserably. I didn't want to lose this sticky, hot mess. It might be last time I felt it for a while.