15. Can't Lay a Hand

[Eren]

"Levi!"

He spun around, his face pale and tight. "Eren," he said hoarsely. "What are you doing? What'll the others think of you rushing out after me?"

"Ah, I'm sorry!" His tone hit me like a good kick to the gut. Levi had barely been able to look at me all week, let alone hold a conversation. Now was no exception. He was going to break up with me, I just knew it. The thought was ripping my heart to shreds and I hadn't been able to eat or sleep. Even now, I just wanted to reach out and fall into his arms and disappear from the world, from all the horrors of present and past. But the way he was looking at me, and with every single word he said, he was only pushing me away.

What could I do?

"Are you OK?" I asked, noticing his face set in a grimace. That guy in the cellar sure had screamed loud. I ignored the tingling in my groin at the thought.

"I'm fine," he said, smoothing out his shirt. I cringed. I wasn't fine. I was sick and lonely and scared. I couldn't shut my eyes without remembering things that should have stayed buried. And I was all alone, with nothing to keep the memories at bay. "I just need some time," he continued coldly. "We can talk about it later."

My throat was clenching up. "Talk about it?" Why was he being like this? This was torture, this waiting and wondering. He needed time to figure out how best to dump me, right? I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't go on alone.

"What?" he asked sternly, as I struggled with my words. "Well, spit it out."

I took a few deep breaths. He was so mad, and I totally got that. I could understand how a clean-freak would be pretty disgusted that his new toy wasn't so new to begin with. I should have kept my fucking mouth shut. I shouldn't have said anything, knowing he would feel this way. He probably couldn't stop thinking about how dirty and disgusting I was. But I had tried to scrub off this feeling and it wouldn't go away. I had to do something else. I couldn't let this go.

"All we ever do is talk!" I cried out in frustration.

He glared at me. My stomach felt sick, but I had to try. I reached down to caress his cheek, wishing to steal his power and cool down that icy look in his eyes. But he flinched away, stepping back into the wall as I felt like I was gonna cry. But I had to make him remember that I was still under his command. I was his to be used. If he could forget — if we both could — things could go back to the way the way they were before. I had to show him, I didn't need to think or talk. I just needed him.

I might not be clean. But I'm still yours.

I reached for his sleeve. "I can make you feel better, Heichou," I whispered. Such a small body, I found myself thinking. I leaned down and put my hands on his waist, eager to please, eager to forget. I could make him forget. I tugged his slim shirt from his pants, listening to his husky noises of disapproval. I caught his eye and saw in them the old flame. It wasn't lost. He needed to see that, and that I could still be the same good boy as before. Nothing had changed. Nothing has to change.

His eyelids lowered and his breathing picked up. I felt a sudden rush of desire and found myself pinning him to the wall, kissing him with passion and promise. I was getting too excited already; I had never been the one to kiss him, and it felt amazing. He was still being rather passive, though, so I abandoned his mouth and trailed my tongue down his neck, sucking and nibbling and feeling him tremble. This felt incredible. I wanted more. I wanted to—

"Stop ... idiot. You'll get us caught."

I hardened myself against his rebuke. "Then let's go to your room," I said, linking my fingers and preventing his escape. "Or outside. Or anywhere. I want to be with you, Levi. To be with you ... together."

I need you, I wanted to say. Make me feel good again. Make me forget. I wanted to beg, plead, get on my knees and cry in front of him … but Levi found that sort of behaviour repulsive. Unless, of course, he ordered it himself. So instead I just bit my lip and grinded my erection against him: an appeal in itself. My heart swelled as it elicited a groan from his throat, and then sank into my bowels as he shook me off. "No, you ... you're not listening to me! We can't go on like this if you have any issues about abuse or sex undealt with. But we can deal with them, Eren, I promise you. Right now I just need to be alone to calm down and think things through."

"You think too much, Heichou," I whined, close to tears as I realised my cause was already lost. How could I convince this stubborn old man that my way was better? "I don't want to think. I don't want to talk. We can just fuck the feelings away, and everything will be fine."

I tried to kiss him, but he struggled and shoved me so hard that I hit the ground. I looked up to see him blow some hair out of his eyes, looking down on me with sudden disgust. "Eren, would you please try to be a bit mature about this?"

I didn't know how to be mature. I didn't know how to be good. I didn't know how to be the perfect sub for my Heichou. And he had finally found me out. I was a depraved, horrible creature and there was no amount of punishment that could make me any better. I was a filthy, disgusting thing and there was no amount of aftercare that could make me clean enough for him. And there was no amount of begging I could do to make him stay.

I couldn't stand it.

The tears were stinging my eyes, threatening to spill over as I screwed up my face so he couldn't see my chin wobble. "If you wanted someone mature, then why are you dating someone less than half your age? What the hell is wrong with you, anyway?"

His mouth fell open first in surprise, and then I watched the hatred fill his face as he clenched his fist and made towards me. I cringed back, ready for his fury, but it never came. I wished he could do it. I fucking deserved it. Fuck, I wanted it, just to feel some pain that I could accept and revel in. I felt so out of control. That was why I needed him.

But he just sort of tensed and held it all in, his mouth becoming a hard line and his cheeks bulging slightly as if he might get sick.

"Get out," he ordered.

I was frozen in place, my mouth hanging open as I watched him rise to the edge of anger. I wanted to watch it spill over and for him take it out on me. I didn't want to be left all alone again. I wanted to stay no matter how much he hurt me or what words he'd say. The thoughts in my head were so much worse.

"Get. OUT!"

My throat clenching up, I clambered to my feet and fled. The tears forced themselves out, hot water blinding me as I ran up the stairs two at a time. I managed to get to my room before I really started sobbing, choking on my emotion and slurping and gulping pathetically. I hated it. I screwed my face up, trying to regain control, and then lashed out, punching the wall hard. My knuckles seemed to shatter in heat and I cried out in pain, falling to the bed and clutching my hand. But the sting and throb couldn't stop the sobbing. I held my hands to my face and felt hot blood and tears mix.

Oh Goddesses. What had I done? I threw myself down and buried my face in the pillow, my face a red hot mess and my knuckles searing at every touch. I cried a little more, wrapping my hand in part of the sheets and feeling the pulse as I pressed against it, intensifying the pain. Eyes shut, I felt the discomfort of my dick pressing into the mattress and groaned as I noticed a slight tingling of pleasure creeping over my body. I clenched my fist, stretching the torn skin and sending heat into my groin as I did.

I groaned. What a disgusting fucking masochist I was. I was so sick. Levi knew it, too. He knew I was just a little pain slut with a fucked up past. It was never going to be enough, no matter how much he beat me or cut me or used me … it would never be enough to make me feel sated.

My body shivered at I remembered the lash of his whip, and my hand slipped underneath me to cross over my bulge. My body didn't care that I hadn't stopped crying, and it didn't care how awful I felt. My dick wanted the worst things done to it. I pressed my palm into it and bit down on the pillow to stifle a moan.

I thought of Levi's repulsed face. Yeah, I'm a sick little slut. I'm so bad, Master. I need to be punished. I brought my hurt hand around to clench my fingers around my throat, digging in tight. My eyes watered as I struggled against the muscles of my neck and lifted my hips to allow better access to my erection. I'm sorry, Master. My fingers trailed down slowly, imitating his, and rubbed the raw tip between thumb and forefinger.

My body convulsed as I pulled the foreskin down, choking myself as I did and seeing red. Sorry. I'm so sorry, Master. But as I lost myself to the feelings, I saw her again and felt her hands on me and saw their hands on her and kept moving back and forth on my dick as the hands mixed with Levi's. Please forgive me. Tears soaked into the pillow and I cried out a little in frustration, removing the hand from my throat and ripping my jeans down instead. I had no lube so my hole was dry as fuck, but I sucked and spat on my own fingers and shoved two inside, barely managing to break an inch in. I pumped on my dick, thrusting backwards into my hand and forcing my way deeper inside as I felt the resounding pleasure splitting through my cock. It wasn't enough. I needed the pain too. I slipped my third finger in, feeling my nails catching on the wall and not even caring. I needed more. It wasn't enough — it was never fucking enough.

Ah, shit, I just didn't have enough hands! I bit down on the pillow again, crushing my face into it until I started finding it hard to breath. It was cold and wet from spit and tears and they hadn't stopped pouring. Oh, God. This was so pathetic. I willed the shame away, fucking my hole deeper and deeper and furiously jerking myself off, thinking of Levi, thinking of his power, seeing flashes of everything I could and couldn't comprehend that incited more guilt and arousal and — and —

And I was getting fucking nowhere. I pulled my fingers out and dug my nails into my ass cheek, then spanked myself hard. None of it was working. I was brimming on the edge of my orgasm, but instead of rising towards it easily it was all I could do to keep myself there. I considered slamming my head against the wall, bit down on my hand, and almost stopped breathing before I realised the truth with horror: I wasn't going to be able to make myself come.

I let go of myself and curled up, bringing my hands up to clutch my face. I was sobbing, and shaking in my shame and self-hatred. Shit. Was I so fucked up that I couldn't even come anymore? These memories … they disgusted me and yet my body got hot when I thought of them. I knew I shouldn't … they shouldn't make me feel this way. I shouldn't get off on those memories and yet … my body reacted in its own way. Was this the reason all along? Was this why I needed Levi to abuse me? Was I that fucked up? Oh shit, I was. I was a beastly thing. I didn't know what to do. My dick still pounded away on its own, beating its own rhythm to my fucked up pleasures. But I couldn't finish like this.

Levi knew. Now he knew I was a little pervert and he couldn't even look at me. But I needed his touch, I needed his wrath and above all I needed punishment. Maybe all I was good for was to be thrown in a cellar and only used to swallow cum. Maybe that would make me forget. I didn't need an identity: I could be a slave or a pet but either way I would only live to satisfy. I clutched my groin again, rolling onto my back as I considered the possibility. Levi always restrained himself. He always pretended that it was OK, that it didn't say anything averse about his character to want to whip me red and choke me into subspace. But if he happened let himself loose … if he really let go and faced his demons … could he possibly have this darkness in him too?

If we had that kind of relationship there would be no fighting, no arguments, no contracts or anything like that. He would just use me and I would obey without question, without complaint no matter what he requested. That was so much easier. If I annoyed him, he could punish me until he got the anger out. And I would learn my lesson. But seeing that anger in him and knowing he would hold onto it, knowing it changed the way he felt about me … it was too much to bear.

So was this it? Was this the end? He must have hated me now, knowing my true nature. He wasn't even the first. I had been soiled even before I met him. What Master wants to play with a used toy?

He was going to leave me.

The crying suddenly stopped as panic gripped me. I was sitting here trying to replicate the feelings he could give me, but there was no comparison to the real thing. If he broke up with me I'd surely die. No. I couldn't just sit by while his hatred for me grew. I had to do something. If I couldn't fix myself, could I at least make myself appealing again? Could I make myself irresistible, like I had done before? But what did Heichou like most of all?

I went to the shower, locking myself in. I knew this wouldn't be enough on its own, but I had to try. And, anyway, I found myself feeling dirty a lot these days.

Jean had left his razor in the tub again, and as I picked it up to put it back on the shelf I found the glint of metal catching my eye. Curiously, I twisted the head and attempted to pull out one of the blades.

"Ffs!" A sharp pain pricked my thumb as the razor fell to the floor with a clatter. I watched a bright red drop leak out of my wound. It rolled down and mixed with the shower water, disappearing to reveal the deep red slit underneath. I put it in my mouth and sucked on it, feeling the glow of pain that wasn't entirely unwelcome. I looked down again at the razor at my feet. I wondered how Levi would feel about me taking on self-punishment for my discretions? Would that get his attention?

Pathetic, I found myself thinking. Levi would loathe such an obvious cry for attention.

I looked around, my eyes landing on the window. I let out a small gasp.

But he never could resist a damsel in distress.

I went to it, throwing on my underwear and wrenching the window pane up, feeling the cool night air on my half-wet skin. Twenty feet down, the grass gave way to earth in the yard around the back of the cabin. It wasn't that far down.

If I fell from here, would the landing be hard enough to force a titan shift? If not … my body would just heal anyway, right?

I leaned out of the window and twisted around, looking up.

Maybe if I jumped from the roof …

My foot was on the windowsill when I looked down again and a fear gripped me. What if I didn't shift or regenerate? I frowned, feeling sick to my stomach. Levi sure would feel guilty then.

With that thought in mind, I resolved myself. I was hoisting myself up to grab hold of the gutter when there was a clatter in the room next to me.

"Eren!?"

Armin's face appeared in the next window and my foot almost slipped. I clambered back inside, dressing myself in a panic as there was a knocking at the door. "Just a second!" I shouted.

"Sorry, Eren," came his voice, as I finally wrenched the door open and stood panting with half my clothes on and wet hair dripping down my neck.

"Ah, sorry!" I said, pushing past him and rushing into our room next door. My whole body was trembling, and I quickly did up my trousers. My hands were burning hot, and I realised the cut of the razor as well as the bites on my hands were starting to heal in a gush of steam. The marks my fingers had left in my neck were heating up too. I glanced around as Armin followed me inside, going up to the window and closing it, then turned to shoot me with a curious stare.

I shook my head. My face was puffy and ugly from crying, so there was no way to pretend everything was OK. I sat down on the bed, hugging myself and looking at the floor.

"So I'm guessing things didn't go so well with Levi?" he pried gently.

I shook my head. Armin knew everything, after all. I hadn't told Levi for fear of his reaction, but after I tried sneaking back into my room that first night we shared together, Armin had put two and two together pretty much immediately. Actually, I was pretty sure he put it together way back when I asked him what love was.

My heart clenched. I dropped my head into my hands. "Fuck. I've fucking ruined everything."

"I'm sure that's not true—" he started.

"It is!" I jumped to my feet, storming across the room just to move. "He fucking hates me, Armin. He won't touch me, he can't look at me … It's over."

Armin looked down at the floor, wrinkling his brow and bringing his hand up to his cheek in thought. "You've had fights before, though, right?"

"This one's different," I said, shaking my head and pacing. "I don't know what I can do — I never fucking understand what to do. I can't keep up. I mean, he gets mad a lot at stupid stuff, but we usually work it out."

"He does seem to get mad a lot," was all Armin had to say.

I looked down at my hands, seeing the last of the steam lift off and revealing my skin smooth and normal underneath. I swallowed, still feeling stiff and sore and wishing there was some sort of proof. I glanced over at Armin who was staring back at me with wide blue eyes.

"Eren," he said, swallowing nervously, his eyes roving from my wrists to my neck. "Um … I'm sorry for asking but … does Levi hurt you when he's mad?"

I reached up to my neck instinctively, my body feeling weak. All of a sudden, I felt really exhausted. "No," I sighed. "He hurts me when he's happy."

Armin's eyes rounded further. "Wh— what kind of thing—?"

"Nothing," I laughed, flinging myself back onto the bed. He was still standing nervously by the window. "Fuck, Armin, would you sit down already? You're making me uneasy."

He gave me a strange look, and then moved to sit down on his bed. I glared at him, sitting there all tight and coiled up like a spring. I didn't know why it bothered me so much but it was driving me crazy. He was staring at the ground, his eyebrows slightly crinkled as if he wasn't quite sure how he had gotten here.

My heart started beating faster as I watched him intently, and still he refused to lift his eyes. "Hey Armin," I said, swallowing nervously. "When that guy from Reeb's was fondling you … you … didn't secretly enjoy it, did you?"

"Wh—what?" He jumped to his feet, his face turning red. He shook it back and forth wildly. "What kind of question —?" He stammered for a moment before shrieking, "Of course it didn't! It made me feel sick! That guy was — there was something seriously wrong with him!"

"OK, OK, I get it!" I yelled back, clenching my teeth. There was something seriously wrong with me too. I was on my feet, somehow, and feeling like throwing myself out of the fucking window again.

"Eren, I know you care about Levi, but what is really going on here? It's different, right? You wanted this. And I — I don't really know the exact dynamics of your, um, physical relationship with him, but — but I do know that it's different to … to that kind of thing. You know that, right Eren?"

"Yes, yes, I fucking know!" I balled my fists up in my hair, clamping my eyes shut to shut out the world. "Consent, love, whatever! I don't know — I just — I thought it would feel different!"

I willed myself to cry, but apparently the time for that was over. I opened my eyes slowly, still tugging at my hair. I looked down at the window pane, and thought of the water I had left on the one in the bathroom and all over the floor as well, probably. It hit me that I should clean it up before Levi noticed.

I grit my teeth. Fuck Levi. Levi the clean freak, Levi the Dom, Levi the lover. If I was a fraud, then so was he. It couldn't possibly be healthy to feel this way. If he was so comfortable and fine with being a Dom, then why did he have to shower immediately every time after sex? Why did he cling so rigidly to his rules? Why was he so terrified of getting fucked in the ass?

"Eren … maybe it should be different. Maybe you and Levi … just isn't the right fit."

I turned around slowly, looking down on Armin standing a few feet away with his hands clasped in front of him. I wondered briefly if Armin was taller than Levi.

Short people shouldn't be Doms. That didn't really make sense, did it?

"Maybe you're right, Armin," I said softly. He looked sadly up at me, and gave a little smile. I met his big blue eyes, chewing my lip.

Fuck Levi, I thought finally. Fuck the whole godamn thing.

"Oi, Armin … what do you know about BDSM?"