16. Role

~Levi~

Dominant or submissive, we all had our roles to play. Historia will passively become queen. Eren will be the titan that saved us. Mikasa was the new humanity's strongest, and even Armin was heading towards a good strategic role. And me? My role was to keep Eren alive. I had to remember that. My personal feelings had nothing to do with the matter.

If I needed to take on the role of murderer to do it, so be it. If I had to be the bad guy to get good results, that was OK too. I didn't care what people thought of me; I was just making the future better for these brats, after all. I guess I was a self-sacrificing bastard all along.

But I was really starting to wonder: when this all ended — if it ever did — what would become of little old me?

Eren had been having a hard time looking at me ever since our fight. I was pretty sure I had become the bad guy here, too. I hadn't had a single moment to speak to him either — everything was moving so fast. The next stage of our plan was going underway tomorrow and we had only just discovered the truth about the Reiss family. To make matters worse, Hanje had disappeared and it was up to my own charm and charisma to convince the little princess to take up her duty. I was pretty sure she was the only person shorter than me in the entire survey corps, but that's beside the point. I didn't need to be titan-size to torment the guy in the basement, and I didn't need to be taller than Historia to beat some sense into her. I might have been a dickhead about it, but at least I was getting things done. I wasn't about to lie to them like it was all smooth sailing from here on in. We had no way of knowing what would happen, or who we'd lose along the way. This was just the plan we had.

I was only just getting used to looking at these brats, though, and I couldn't help thinking about what happened to my last squad, and the squad before that. And, of course, the first squad way back when.

Eren's the only one who matters, I reminded myself. What a cold person I had to be to do my job.

"Oi, Armin, hang on a minute."

He shot me a look, absolutely terrified. Jeez, had I really gone full psycho on Christa just now? But Eren had rushed out of here like a devil was on his tail, and I had noticed Armin walking funny and wincing with every step. That was not OK.

The others vacated the room and the door closed with a snap. I turned and began making myself tea. "Look, Armin, I don't especially care if you kids wanna fuck, but could you try not get nailed so hard that you can't walk the next day? We have a mission coming up, so don't go unnecessarily hurting yourself. You understand?"

I glanced around, and my eyes widened at what I saw. His hands were clamped over his mouth, his eyes watering up. Muffled sobs escaped him, awful sounds that couldn't be suppressed, and then he bolted from the room.

I stared at the door, a teaspoon balanced in my hand. What the fuck was that all about?

My heart started hammering. I turned back to the kettle, my mind buzzing with every word I had ever said to Armin ever. What had I done to make him flee like that? I knew I had been pretty harsh on Historia now, but that reaction was a bit much, right?

I remembered the weak noises coming from behind his door last night and the spoon dropped out of my hand with a clatter. I had presumed … but what if …?

My mind oddly blank, I inexplicably finished making the tea before moving out the back door to follow. The saucers rattled on the tray as I tried to keep it steady, feeling an awful sense of dread envelope me. Out in the yard the air was brisk, and I looked around to see the woodshed door slightly ajar. I breathed, moving uneasily towards it. Before I even pushed the door open I could hear the sobs. I leaned against the door, stepping slowly inside.

Straw crunched underfoot but the boy didn't seem to hear. He was curled up in the corner on his knees, bent double and clutching his head like it might explode if he didn't hold it together. His crying was the worst sound I'd ever heard. Pathetic, uncontrollable, all-consuming. It wasn't the first time I'd heard it, either.

"Armin?" I called softly, my awkward husky voice giving away no sense of comfort.

His head swivelled around, his eyes overflowing with tears and fear. I raised my arms slightly in a signal of surrender and slowly walked halfway towards him, set down the second teacup, then backed up towards the door.

"I'm not gonna come any closer, OK? You're safe. I won't touch you."

The blonde-haired boy looked at the teacup in confusion and then shook himself with a groan and went back to clutching his head. "I'm s-sorry, C-Captain. Please …"

"No apologising," I said, getting to my knees. I set the tray down on the ground, and dusted my hands on my trousers. "You're forbidden to apologise." He pressed his hands to his mouth again, and I knew he was trying to calm down for my benefit. But it was impossible. I watched him for a moment, noticing angry red marks on his wrists and feeling extremely ill. "Armin …"

I stopped.

Fuck. I didn't know what to say. There are times when someone should be left alone, especially when the person in question is barely an acquaintance and currently weeping uncontrollably. But I couldn't leave this. I had walked away from that door last night. I heard those noises and I thought … well, I thought that he was acting the sub. Now I knew he wouldn't be sobbing like this right now if that were the case. I felt awful.

Fuck. Why did someone being raped have to sound exactly like that?

"Armin," I tried again, "I know I'm not the person you'd really like to be talking to right now. You mightn't want to be talking to anyone right now. But you're safe with me. I swear, this is a safe place."

My words didn't seem to make any impact on him. I don't know why I was surprised. Who was I to speak about safety? The first time Armin encountered me was probably at the trial, when I beat his best friend half to death. Since then, what kind of impression had I been making? I was cold to the whole squad day in, day out. I was the cause of all those screams in the basement keeping them awake at night. I had just assaulted his doppelganger, Historia, in front of everyone with no repercussions. And … what had Eren told him about me? Was he a good enough liar to give the same impression? I sighed. "I know what you probably think of me … that I'm a heartless, violent person. But I … I of all people understand pain. I've caused a shitload of it, but I've suffered it, too. So please hear me out. You don't have to talk. You don't have to tell me any details of what happened. You don't have to name names, if you don't want to. But I …" I paused, swallowing nervously and clenching my fist until my nails dug into my flesh. "I can make sure that person never touches you again, Armin."

At my words he shuddered and let out a whimper. I thought again of the noises I had heard through the door last night, and then thought of Eren's cute noises when I was … shit. Armin pressed his face further into the ground, shaking his head back and forth. His inhales were painful hiccoughs, his words forced out on each fitful sob. "No, no — it's not — like that! … Please, don't — Captain …!"

"Try to breathe," I said. "You're having a panic attack. You'll need to develop a strategy for that, because I doubt it'll be the last." He choked on words that never formed. "Breathe. Listen to me. Breathe with me, OK?" I dramatised and loudened my breathing. "One, two, three, four," I breathed in, "out, two three, four …"

After a few moments he tried to copy me, but the blubs wracking his chest made him stagger and fail. He cringed, the panic intensifying as he drew breath rapidly every half a second and wasn't able to release it.

"Breathe with me," I growled, and his maddened eyes found mine.

I wanted to reach out to this poor kid but I knew I mustn't. He was in such a bad way. I hadn't dealt with anyone this bad since the underground. So I kept my distance, held his stare from across the room and just breathed with him. Eventually, after I don't know how long and how many relapses, he managed to control it a little better.

I nodded towards the teacup sitting halfway between us, my only method of good-natured correspondence. "You're safe now, Armin."

His mouth trembled a little, the fear still evident in his face. But he had dropped his hands, clutching them to his knees. I noticed for the first time a swollen bruise on his cheek, and hickeys covering most of his neck. Fury swelled inside my heart, but I kept a tight lid on it. Sometimes, helping the victim was more urgent that punishing the perpetrator. But both were entirely necessary. "S-Sir, I'm sorry — this is really not necessary — I —"

"Armin … listen. Someone on this squad has done something to you, right? Something against your will?"

His eyes screwed up and he covered his face in his hands.

I looked down, grabbing my cup and taking a sip to calm my nerves and bring the heat way from my pounding head. "I heard the noises coming from your room the other night. This wasn't just an attack, was it?" I paused cautiously. "You were raped."

"Wha—?" he exclaimed, his surprise temporarily overcoming his trauma. "No, no, it wasn't like that! I mean, not exactly …" I just wrinkled my brow and said nothing for a moment while he muttered to himself and chewed his nails. "I mean, I — this is embarrassing. I was curious at first, but I really wasn't ready for … in the end … that kind of thing …!"

I lowered my eyes. "If this person was paying attention, or even gave a shit in the first place, then they should have known it wasn't OK, that you weren't ready." I glanced up, cringing at the sight of his bruises. "This person was overly aggressive as well, it seems. Did they get your consent for that? Did they get your consent for any of it? If not, then it was rape. That's how I see it, anyway."

"No — no, it was my fault, really!" Armin suddenly laughed nervously, his eyes wild. He waved his arms about in denial. "It's really not such a big deal, Captain!"

"Armin, you … this is really serious, you know!" I was suddenly on my feet, knocking my tea flying. I swallowed my breath, as both of us blinked down at the steaming tea being soaked up in straw. I shook myself. "I've seen this kind of thing before and I don't take this shit lightly." He froze, his mouth falling open as he looked up at me in awe. I felt tall. That was a good thing. I needed that right now. I swallowed, and continued with authority. "I need you to know it's not your fault. It's absolutely not. The person who did this …" My mind flew. Mikasa? Jean? Who the fuck was capable of this? I clenched my fist. "The person who did this might have convinced you that things would be worse if you told anyone. They might have threatened you or even made you feel like you deserved it. You might be scared. But you are safe. You don't have to tell me their name if you really can't. But I promise nothing will happen to you if you tell me. That person will be removed from this squad immediately."

He began shaking his head wildly. "No — n-no! I can't!" His hands reached up to his hair and he tugged at it. "There's nothing to be done. It's not … it's not the most important thing right now." He chuckled wetly and I grimaced. "I'm sorry — um, please forget about this, Captain."

"This is important, Armin." He looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes and that puffy tear-streaked face. I frowned. "No one should make you feel this way. It fucking offends me, to be honest. Shitheads taking advantage and manipulating their way into your head, leaving you feeling dirty and broken and giving you fucking PTSD … when they're the ones who are fucking broken? I know I said I'd rather humanity to fight amongst itself than be forced to fight titans, but this is something else entirely. This world is fucked up enough without this kind of shit." I caught my breath, trying not to give in to the blinding red anger threatening to take over my vision. I focussed instead on the blue of his eyes. "Armin, I am the authority here. This person is off the squad — out of the survey corps completely. I don't care what war we're in the middle of, I'll hand them over to the fucking MP myself!"

He shook his head again, his eyes lost. "You can't," he whispered, almost to himself more than me.

I walked up to him, kneeling down and gripping his shoulder. "I can. I can get rid of anyone I like. You kids aren't all that important. I mean, Eren's the only one who—"

I met his eyes, freezing instantly. Horror gripped his face, his mouth twisting down and fresh tears welling out as he stared right back at me. My mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water as I struggled to maintain composure.

This — Fuck, this couldn't be …

I turned around and reached for the second teacup. Armin had found his feet and rushed up to me, wiping his face with his sleeve. I saw the red marks on his skin again.

Oh no. Oh no.

"Captain, I — no! This is a misunderstanding —!"

My body was seizing up. I held my arm up to stop him, and lifted my other hand to my mouth. I stared at the straw and dust on the ground and clutched my stomach. I was gonna get sick.

"Captain!" Armin was shrieking. He sounded very distant. I collapsed onto my hands and knees and dry heaved. Now I was the one who really couldn't breathe. "Captain?"

"Hm, yes?" I asked blearily. I was clutching his shoulder somehow, when did that happen? I pressed my hand to my mouth again as he knelt with me, puffy face and all.

When I looked at him, his eyes were wide and his face twitched. He made a noise like a frightened animal and started hyperventilating again. "Ah — Captain, what do I do?"

I shuddered, and rose quickly to my feet. I looked down on him, bracing myself against a shitstorm. "Nothing Armin. You don't have to do anything. Eren's my … uh, subordinate. I'll deal with it. It doesn't matter that he's … Eren." What were these fucking words that were coming out of my mouth? In spite of myself, it suddenly seemed very irrelevant if Armin or anyone else knew about me and Eren. It was over now anyway. It was all over. I blinked, feeling my heartbeat ticking away in my chest, bursting forth, and little else. "I have to talk to him."

Armin gave a bracing, nervous smile. Fuck it, he already knew.

His eyes were really, really blue.

I paused. "Armin, you said you were curious at first. You meant … about BDSM, right?"

His mouth opened and he dropped his head to his chest, turning away from me with an uncomfortable expression.

I had been seeing red, but somehow now I felt calm. I was angry, of course, I mean I was really fucking furious, close to choking myself or someone nearby kind of angry. But I felt somewhat relieved as well. I hadn't been there for Eren in his time of need, and I couldn't make up for that now. But there was someone else in need of my wisdom here, someone I still had time to save. "I want you to know, if you're really a submissive you shouldn't take this behaviour as typical of a Dom." Armin gave a small noise and pulled at his sleeves. I clenched my teeth at the marks the ropes had made, my knots that he had tried to replicate. I swallowed my disgust, and went on. "It might be hard for you, to trust someone again after this. But when you meet the right person, they'll be patient and make you feel safe. A real Dom would be first and foremost concerned with your safety and comfort. And your pleasure, in most cases. The whole appeal is the trust and the bond formed knowing someone else is willing and eager to be at their most vulnerable with you. A real Dom would never hurt you. It's a role-play. No one wants to be abused, really. They just want to feel it. It means feeling safe."

Armin's eyes were hidden by his hair, but I could see his cheeks in full blush. So, I guess I had become a sex ed teacher after all. "Thank you, Captain," he said, glancing up and smiling bashfully. "It's OK, I think I get it. My body is still having this reaction, but really I understand it in my head. To really be abused is to have no control over the situation. But in this kind of a thing, you're giving up the control to someone you trust. I might feel a bit conflicted as to the nuances, but I know it's nothing to be ashamed of. And also …" he continued, rubbing his neck and frowning, "I'm really sorry, Levi Heichou."

I looked at Armin, gazing up at me with those gigantic blue eyes. "No apologising," I said quietly, although I knew that wasn't how he meant it. He meant he felt sorry for me. For me and Eren. To think, the real victim here felt sorry for us.

AN: Sorry. Sorry sorry sorry. This is the last chapter we have to wait for things to be resolved, I promise. Well, by resolved I mean we'll have a bit of a crescendo and then a denouement of sorts. I feel the need to explain myself tbh. I initially thought there'd be only nine chapters, and a lot less character development to make this all a little less painful. But I got caught up in the characters and the smut (which was fun, don't get me wrong) but I'm just not sure how this ending will work out after all. It's stressful, I've really never written anything so dramatic :/ But I'm very proud of my earlier chapters, and hopefully when I look back on the finished product I can be somewhat happy. I really appreciate you all for reading so far and continuing to read after I fucked shit up like this. My poor OTP ...

Anyway, please review and let me know the feels :) Thanks for reading!