17. This is Punishment Enough

[Eren]

The sheets. Oh Goddesses, the sheets.

Why … why was it so messy? That had never happened before. There was so much liquid … flecks of shit and blood.

Oh fuck. This was so bad.

I sat on my knees outside, scrubbing the sheets with a coarse brush and trying to calm myself. But my ass hurt like hell, and I couldn't stop hearing Armin's sobs.

My pulse throbbing in my head, I shoved him down onto the bed. "I can show you, if you like."

Armin was blushing like crazy. "Ah, Eren, I don't know what you—"

Fuck. I was so dumb.

"Eren."

The husky voice ripped through my heart, and I turned about wildly. His stoney eyes lowered to take in the sheets, and his mouth hardened into a very thin line.

Oh FUCK.

"I need to speak with you," he said, nonchalant as you please. I quivered, clutching the half-soaped, half-soiled sheet to my chest as I watched him cross the yard and disappear into the trees. I glanced around. There was nowhere to fucking run. He'd catch me. Even if I turned into a titan and bolted, he'd fucking catch me. He was going to murder me.

"Your safeword is red."

Armin never said red. But that didn't mean he didn't want me to stop.

Oh fuck. What the hell was wrong with me?

My feet carried me out into the forest after Heichou. My entire body felt numb, engulfed and simmering in my own shame. I could hear him ahead of me, the crunching of leaves just barely audible above the sound of my heartbeat pounding inside my head. Eventually the last footstep fell and I caught up to him in a pretty clearing, beside a fallen tree and its leftover stump. He had his back to me, his hair freshly shaven beneath the black lengths on top. I had touched that stubble only recently, too, before the plan to contact the Reebs corp was executed; before I'd remembered my past, before he'd begun to hate me, before any of this mess began. I wished I could turn back time: I'd do anything to change what happened … what I'd done. What's more, that undercut represented Heichou's power. I'd heard it said that this hairstyle was so popular amongst soldiers because it bared our napes to the titans we fought. It strengthened our resolve and was a symbol of our confidence. When Heichou showed me his nape, I felt like he was a puny human beneath his great titan's foot. I really was a worthless brat. I couldn't do a thing to stop myself being crushed.

I trembled as I watched him turn around. His head was bowed, and he looked up at me through pitch black bangs. Like a weary old veteran, he sat down with tortured slowness on the trunk of the felled tree and crossed his ankle over his knee. Then he took out one of his swords and a handkerchief, and began polishing the blade with long, smooth strokes.

I held my breath.

"Sit," he said, nodding to the stump.

I felt paralysed, but I forced myself to sit down across from him. He didn't look up from his sword and for a long time we sat there in silence.

Eventually, he lifted the blade so the sunlight caught it, directing the glare into my eyes. I cringed, lifting my arm up to shield myself from the brightness. He watched me carefully, never giving anything away.

"So Eren," he sighed eventually, "mind telling me what the hell happened to Armin?"

If I opened my mouth, there was a high risk that I might vomit. Levi was some sort of evil genius, but seriously — how the hell did he find out? Was I really such an idiot? I clutched my stomach, my voice faltering as I tried to summon the courage to speak. "Um, I don't know what you—"

"Don't," he interrupted. I looked up, saw his face set in a furious mask, and knew all hope was lost. "Don't you dare lie to me, Eren."

My body shook violently, and I reached up to hide my face. "Oh God," I squeaked. "Heichou, please. I — I didn't mean to—"

"Didn't mean to?" he repeated, sticking the sword violently into the earth and getting suddenly to his feet. "What you meant to do is entirely irrelevant, Eren. You hurt someone. It doesn't fucking matter if you meant to or not: you still fucking hurt him. And what I want to know is … why? Because you were mad at me? Because you wanted to try your hand at being a Dom? Tell me, 'cause I really wanna fucking know. Why did you do it?"

"Why?" I repeated dumbly. I hadn't thought about that. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

"B-but, Eren … what about Levi?"

"What about him?" I asked roughly, tying the belts around Armin's little hands. "Anyway, he told me that no one could touch me. And I'm taking care of that, aren't I? He never said anything about me touching someone else."

"Eren, I'm really not sure—"

I wasn't sure either, to be honest. But I didn't care. I didn't care if Levi found out, if it'd bother him, or even if he'd kill me. Or maybe all those things were exactly what I wanted. I didn't know. At that time, sense wasn't speaking with me. That's as much as I can say.

And what about him, anyway? Well, I was sure Levi was breaking up with me. And since I could no longer cum by myself, I had to find a way to sate myself without him.

I clenched my teeth, glaring up at my ex-Master. "Yeah," I said. "And you know what, Heichou? It felt great to put my dick in someone else. It felt great to be a Dom—"

Smack!

I found myself on my knees on the cool earthy ground, my left cheek ablaze.

"Don't you dare," he spat. "Don't you dare call yourself a Dom. Don't you dare compare what you did to — to — You piece of shit! Do you even understand what you've done, you little monster!?"

Eyes watering, I lifted my hand to my stinging face and looked up, gazing up at him to see a muscle going in his jaw, his fists clenched full of fury and power. His eyes were wild, his hair disheveled. My mouth fell open. He was terrifying, beautiful. And I knew then that I was screwed. I was in love with him. This man, who I had already lost, was the only one who could fill this emptiness in me. His violence was a caress, his anger only passion. I wanted to feel it all, every bit. My stinging cheek would be the last testament to his affection, and I savoured it as my heart began to slowly waste. His face fell and fingers knotted up in his hair, a mask of anguish creeping across his features.

"You're a monster," he whispered.

I swallowed, and dropped my hand. I hoped my cheek was red. I wanted him to see the damage he'd done. "I'm sorry, sir." I bowed my head, right down to the ground. I inhaled a deep breath, pushing my hands out in front of me and raising my hips in the air. "Please punish me."

There was a pause as I felt my heartbeat thumping in every cell of my body.

"… What?"

I glanced up, meeting his confused gaze with my most innocent face. "I'm sorry!" I panted, my entire body glowing with hatred and desire. "Please hurt me. Please hit me. Please, punish me, sir. I deserve it. I deserve to die!"

He glared down on me, his chin held high. "Punish you?" His mouth puckered up into a scowl. "Oh. Oh, I get it." He rushed down on me, gripping my shirt and dragging me back to my knees. "So you did all this for some attention, huh?" he yelled. I gasped and choked, screwing my eyes up and preparing for the worst. But he just pushed me away from him, and backed up into a tree with a look of horror on his face. "What the hell is wrong with you? If I punished you for stuff that actually made me mad, what the hell would this be? You're not a fucking dog. I can't train you to act the way I want. I can't make you be someone you're not. I only ever wanted you to be yourself. Didn't you know that? Didn't you listen to a word I said?"

I clenched my fists, humiliated and flustered. "And — and what if I don't want to be myself?" I cried. "I mean, what if I want to be a dog?" He looked at me curiously, and I felt really sick. I averted my eyes, too mortified to look at him any longer. "I know I'm fucked up, OK, I just … I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't live without you, Levi. I couldn't bear the thought!"

"So that's it?" he asked coldly. "You couldn't bear the thought and that's how you ending up raping your friend?"

"Rape?" I choked, my mind feeling like it had been hit with a brick. "What? No! Please, don't say it like that …"

"What? That's the truth, isn't it? You decided you wanted to be a Dom and thought you could do whatever you wanted."

"Eren, stop — please, ah, what're you —?"

"I guess that's my fault, too," he went on. "The reason an age of consent exists at all is because the government believes a minor is simply too immature to deal with that kind of intimacy. But I made my own rules and decided that a year wouldn't make a difference. Was I wrong? Were you too young to give me consent, Eren? Maybe that'd help me understand why you'd do something like this: you're just too young and stupid to know better, right? If that's the case, then I guess that means I'm a rapist, too."

"Whaddya mean, 'too'?" I yelled. "I'm not a rapist! Armin was—"

"Eren, he was your fucking friend! He was your friend and he trusted you!" Levi inched towards me, then stopped himself. I knew he wanted to hit me again, but he held back. I wished he wouldn't. I wished he'd take it all out on me. Instead he just glared at me with those cold eyes, making me feel a hundred times worse. "You abused that trust and took advantage of your power. The kid was molested less than a week ago, what the hell made you think he was in the right mind to go through with something like that? What kind of a person does that?"

"EREN, STOP!"

I looked up, saw the tears running down Armin's face. He was struggling against the belts, shrieking and whimpering, and sobbing for me to stop. I looked down at myself, my fly down and Armin's trousers still in my hands. All the light little hairs on his legs were standing up.

Red. Red, red, red.

Panic gripped me. "You're the monster!" I shrieked. "You're the rapist, you weirdo kiddie fucker! You know — I can out you to everyone! I can say you coerced me from the start. I can say you overpowered me and made me do it!"

"No," he said, and I saw that glimmer of alarm in his eyes behind the calm mask. "You signed the contract, you can't …"

"You made me write it. Threatened me. The titan regeneration always healed me so quickly, I never had any proof of the way you tortured me to keep me quiet." I didn't know what I was saying anymore. My mind was buzzing, swarming with last ditch effort. I couldn't let him leave. I just couldn't. I clenched my fists and shouted, "You can never leave me or I'll tell EVERYONE!"

I gasped as he grabbed the front of my shirt, shaking me. "Eren, you're gonna manipulate me like that, huh? You're gonna stoop that low, you fucking bastard?"

I struggled with him, trying to break free but he was too strong. "Get off me!" I cried. I felt trapped, suffocated, and my lungs were giving up. "Shut up! I hate you!" Tears began to cloud my vision and I shielded my face with my elbow as the sobbing broke out of me, racking me from my very core. "I hate you," I cried, falling to my knees as he finally let go.

"Eren," came his voice, and I groaned loudly through my wails. "Eren, you don't even want to be with me. Why bother blackmailing me?"

"No … stop it! It's not like that. I … I care about you. I — I think I love you! I need you. All I want is you!"

"No you don't," he insisted. "I don't know what the fuck you want, but it sure as hell ain't me. Was it really for punishment? Is that why you did it?"

"I don't know," I moaned, cringing away. "I'm so sorry, Heichou—"

"Don't call me that," he said. "Don't say please. Don't say sorry. This isn't about me. This isn't about you. This is about Armin, who right now is such a state of stress he can barely breathe."

I gasped, a dagger of guilt shooting through my stomach. "Ah, but — but — really, it's not what you think! Armin and I … we didn't even kiss. Yeah, I pushed him down and tied him up but then I realised what I was doing and … and he didn't want it. I stopped. Levi, I swear, I stopped. I was just lying before because I was mad at you. But I really didn't rape him. I swear. I already feel fucking terrible about it …"

He cocked his head to one side. "Oh, you were lying? That's convenient. So why was Armin walking funny?"

"Huh? I don't know anything about that …"

He narrowed his eyes. "And the sheets?"

My face turned bright red. "Well, that was an accident I had, um, trying to jerk off wasn't enough so I tried using the handle of—"

"Enough," he said, looking slightly green. "This is ridiculous."

I swallowed, feeling my stomach slowly sinking into my bowels as I realised what he had thought of me this whole time. "You really think I could rape someone?" I asked, dumbstruck.

"Well, who am I supposed to believe?"

"Me!" I said. "I'm the one you're supposed to trust!"

He looked at me, narrowing his eyes. "Why would I trust you? Even if I believed your story, you still just admitted you lied to me. You would have cheated on me if you'd found someone willing to do it." He turned around, shoving his hands into his pockets with a massive sigh. "But even before, I never trusted you."

"Levi," I gasped, and reached out for his arm.

He shrugged me off. "Don't touch me. This was all a big mistake."

He sat back down, dropping his head into his hands. I clenched my fists, shaking.

"Heichou?"

I hated this. I wanted him to scream at me some more, call me names, have an argument with me. This apathy was suffocating. He was just going to abandon me and there was not a single bloody thing I could do about it.

"Heichou!"

Hot tears began to fall as I struggled to keep my breath. Had I no control over anything in my life?

"So that's it?" I spat out, tears falling hot and fast and making my voice tremble. But what I felt most was anger. "You're giving up on me, just like that?" Levi looked up, scowling slightly. I glared back at him for a second, and then dropped my head. "I guess I can't blame you … I'm just a fuck up, after all."

He groaned slightly. "Don't give me that shit."

"Well, it's true, isn't it?" I cried. "Armin — you — Mikasa, everyone! I've fucked everything up! I've been fucking up my whole life. Shit, I'm gonna fuck up the mission next. I'm gonna fuck up our last chance to kill the titans. I'm too fucked up to do anything!"

"Pull yourself together!" he growled, gripping his knees tightly. "Jeez, what ever happen to the hotheaded kid I met in the basement of city hall who wanted to slaughter every titan that crossed his path? What happened to the dumb boy in the courtroom who said, "Leave it all to me?" I thought that person was fucking incredible, Eren. This person, now, I don't even know who this is. Since then all I've seen is a pathetic, sniffling, shitty little brat. What the fuck happened?"

"Don't ask me that! It's impossible. It's … it's your fault!"

"My fault? Nah, I don't buy it." He got to his feet, as his voice rose and hardened. "Tell me, you think a sub has to act like a little bitch, asking for punishment and acting up to get attention? Why did you feel you had to try so hard, didn't I tell you we're equals? But, you know, now that I think about it you never really treated me like an equal."

"I didn't treat you—?"

"No," he said. "You treated me like someone you were scared of."

"Because —" I stopped. He looked at me, his eyes a deadened glare. I averted my gaze, too ashamed to see him. "That's because I was scared of you," I admitted.

He opened his mouth, but then just closed it again and swallowed. "Well, I'm sorry." He looked me up and down, and breathed slowly. "Eren, what do you think I am? And when did I ever say you weren't good enough just the way you are?"

I opened my mouth, but found myself with nothing to say. I sat down on the log, trying to catch my breath. I was shaking badly, and shivering like I had a bad chill. My fingertips were numb. I felt like maybe I was dying.

His voice was low and coarse when he spoke next. "Look … if you tell yourself you're a fuck up, you're not letting yourself ever become anything else. You're not a monster, alright? And … I'm sorry for hitting you, that was out of line. I know you've had a harsh life. And things are stressful right now. This epic failure of a relationship can't be helping, either. But you know … sex, BDSM, violence … none of that's gonna make you feel any better until you face what's wrong inside yourself and fix it."

I shook my head. "It's not that easy—"

"No, it's not," he agreed. "But you have to do it anyway unless you wanna keep acting like a fucking child with this self-destructive behaviour." I gasped slightly, and looked up at him. He met my eyes, and shook his head. "No one else can do it for you. You have to regain control by yourself. Not by handing the reigns to someone else. Not by exerting power over someone helpless. Just grow the fuck up and deal with it."

"But how?"

He shrugged. "Accept responsibility for your actions. Stop getting so overcome by your emotions. Try to understand what you've done and why. Then you won't make the same mistakes again."

I thought about it. I mean it, I really tried to. I didn't want to be a brat. But I didn't really believe that I could be anything else.

"And what about us?" I found myself asking. That was the most important question, but I didn't know if I wanted to hear the answer.

He turned slightly and studied my face. Then he sighed, and sat back down a few feet next to me, gripping his knees again with each hand. "Sometimes people want different things," he said calmly, lifting his head to squint up at the canopy. "We get together, fight, break up. It's life. It's … it's no big deal."

"How can you say that?" I glared at him, but he didn't look at me. I felt like blowing up. That, or sinking right into the earth. "Didn't it mean anything to you?"

"Of course it did," he said. And that was it.

I didn't fucking understand why the world wasn't ending all around me. This place was too calm, too quiet and beautiful. I wanted anarchy and pain and carnage. Was I self-destructive, after all? I thought I was supposed to be submissive, but I didn't really know what the fucking difference was.

Memories floated gently down in my mind, moments drifting away never to be relived. I thought about the times we shared. The stolen glances sending my heart into a flurry. Kissing in the dungeon, my body feeling like it was on fire. Lying in his arms, listening to his calm breathing as he slowly fell asleep beside me. My breath catching in the morning, as his fingers traced my lips and I felt his hard on grow against my backside. I was too happy. What happened to that? We made love, I felt him inside me. I swallowed him, was filled by him, let him into every corner of my existence. And then, when it was over … I felt like a stranger to this person who was so close. I traced the lines of rough skin where his belts wore away at him. I knew the colour of his eyes by heart. I heard his heartbeat, felt it beating as I matched my breathing to his. But I knew nothing of the person beneath.

My Captain … My Heichou … My Master. No … His name was Levi. Levi what? I didn't even know that, for fuck's sake. I looked at him now, sitting tense with a well-hidden scowl underneath his indifference, and realised perhaps for the first time: he was just a person. Yeah, he was humanity's greatest. He was the strongest, fastest, scariest person I knew. But he was just a man. He was not a God, he was not a Master. He was not mine.

And yet he was so much stronger, so much smarter than me. I was a fuck up, I knew I was, and now I had become a monster, destroying everything that crossed my path. But this relationship was never perfect, was it? From the start I had tried to worm out his weaknesses to get what I wanted. I was manipulative. He was controlling. We fought all the time. And now I had dealt the final blow. I didn't expect to be forgiven for what I'd done, unwittingly, because I was too far gone in reckless abandon to care at the time. Or maybe I cared too much. But I just couldn't understand … how could he accept this breakup so mildly? Why didn't he fight harder; why didn't he care more? Could I give up that easily, too, just like that?

Well, I didn't really have another option.

Why had I done it, he'd asked. I couldn't say. If I cleared my mind and tried to think about the various strings pulling at me, I felt like maybe I'd be strangled and spun in a web of them, suffocated beneath the stresses in my own mind.

"Levi … did I ever tell you about Hannes?"

I saw him look down at me, and I turned my head away to stare at the grass all around. "Hannes was a friend of my mom's. A member of the wall garrison and a drunk. He used to tease me a lot as a kid for being so serious." I tore up some grass, a handful, and then another. "When Shiganshina fell, my mom was trapped beneath our house while this titan was approaching. Hannes saved me and Mikasa, and I watched my mom get eaten by that smiling bastard titan. I was so helpless. And then when I was captured by Reiner and Bertolt … that same titan was there, and so was Hannes. I watched him get bitten right in half. And again I could do nothing."

I heard Levi exhale, but he stayed silent. And I found the words spewing out of my mouth, without knowing where they came from, without understanding what had spurred on this sudden surge of storytelling. So I kept speaking, and it felt kinda nice.

"Those guys … they were my friends. They helped me train with the ODM gear because I was awful at it. Did I ever tell you that story, Captain? And Annie … well, she taught me a lot too. I watched her crush every one of your squad members. Then that night you and I slept in a bed together for the first time, and I forgot all about it." I sighed, frowning deeply and feeling my eyes itch with tears again. "Captain … how can you stand staying alive when everyone else keeps dying? How can you deal with the pressure of being humanity's strongest? I can't do it … I'm so scared. Even when I do stuff right, it's random. I somehow made a hoard of titans jump that smiling bastard and tear him limb from limb. I'm glad it happened, but I don't have any control. Not like you. How do you do it? Levi?"

I glanced over, wishing to see him reach out to comfort me, or something. I didn't know anymore. It was a dumb thing to expect. He just rubbed his face wearily, and then shrugged. "Eren … why are you telling me all this?"

"I … I was just trying to talk to you," I mumbled, hiccoughing slightly.

"You realise it's too late for that, right?"

"Yeah. I know." I pressed my lips together, willing the tears not to fall. But they did, of course, and my voice became wobbly. "I'm sorry. You tried opening up to me about your time in the underground but I wasn't really listening. I wish I had asked you more, got to know you better. I mean, I don't really know anything about you except your sexuality."

"That's all you wanted to know," he said. "You get it now, do you?"

I nodded. I didn't want him. Not exactly. I just wanted what I thought he could give me. I really was self-destructive … and I hoped he could destroy me. But I didn't want aftercare, I didn't want his kindness. And I knew now, that this person was so incredibly kind. Why else would he still be sitting here on a log with someone who hurt and betrayed him in the worst possible way? I felt the tears falling more rapidly, a sobbing strangling my throat. I really had fucked up pretty bad. Now I could never get to know more about this kind person in front of me.

"I'm sorry," I choked.

"I'm sorry, too," he sighed.

I glanced over, wide-eyed, my vision blurred. "For what?"

He swallowed, rubbing his forehead tiredly. "Well, I knew you were displaying some more Dominant traits. And I considered allowing another sub to come along to a scene so you could try it out under my supervision. But in the end, I was just scared that you'd enjoy it too much and leave me. That's what I did to my old Master, after all." He looked over at me, his face etched with misery. "I wanted you all to myself. But that was selfish of me. I can't monopolise you, any more than I should stop you going after what you desire. Even if it means being with someone else who fits your needs better than I do. However, I just can't let you run around hurting other people."

"I won't," I said quickly, "I get it now, I really do."

"Armin, hey, I'm really sorry—"

He elbowed my hand away aggressively, curled up in a ball in the corner of the bed. His shoulders shook with his sobs. I sat there, helpless, more miserable than I ever could have imagined.

"Eren," he gasped, "whatever's going on, you can leave me right out of it." He shuddered and groaned, holding his face in his hands. "Oh, Captain Levi's gonna kill me!"

I thought of Mikasa and the crawling of my skin and the ache I felt with those memories. I was such an idiot. I had just wanted to make myself feel better, but instead I just made someone else feel as shitty as I did.

"You can't do that kind of thing to people, Eren. Not without talking first."

I exhaled heavily. "I get why we needed to discuss stuff. Being a Dom is a shitload of responsibility. I never really appreciated that. And I …" I looked down, hiding my face with my hair and shaking my head. "I just never want to make anyone feel that way again."

Levi clenched his teeth, but nodded. "In the end, if you hurt people they will abandon you, no matter how much they care or how much they want to stand by you and help you. If you hurt them enough, they have to leave. And you have to let them."

He rose to his feet and I followed instinctively. "Ah, I'm sorry, Levi. I hurt you too, didn't I?"

He just shrugged. "I'm a grown up. I can handle it."

"So, is this it?" I asked, swallowing the nerves and being upfront. He wasn't so scary. I was done playing games to make myself feel in control.

"Yeah," he said. "Don't think I won't kill you if you ever try to manipulate me like that again."

I pressed my lips together bracingly. "Yeah," I agreed, nodding tentatively. "Sorry about that." He shrugged, and turned to leave. "Oh … um, Levi?"

He stopped and turned just his face, raising it up slightly as he observed me. "Mm?"

I swallowed, and scratched my head. "If, say, in five or ten years … the titans were all defeated and I sorted my head out … do you think then, maybe we could have another shot?"

Levi looked back at me, his eyebrow wrinkling sadly. "No, Eren," he said bluntly. I made a small noise of embarrassment and looked down at the ground. Then, he strolled over and stood a moment, before reaching up and ruffling my hair. "But … maybe in another life."