18. Pain

~Levi~

I don't understand. I've never understood. Even if I believe in my own strength. Even if I believe in the decisions of my trusted friends. In the end …

This was the gate I rode through, the day I first went outside the walls. The Shiganshina district was always our main starting point. We rode through the streets, to cheers and jeers alike, but it didn't matter because I had my friends by my side and we were the ones who would see the horizon.

Five years ago, our last mission outside Wall Maria was called to a halt. When we rode back to the gate we found only a gaping hole. I felt sorry for the new recruits after that. On every scouting mission since then, we weren't really seeing the sky. We were still caged birds, pigs in a pen.

"Oh … I was just thinking how all my life I felt trapped inside the walls. That's why I wanted to become a soldier in the first place, you know, to venture outside …"

That was the first thing Eren confided in me. Perhaps it was the only thing.

Yeah. I really did feel bad for the kid.

His hometown was a ruin. Half the buildings had been torn down by titans and catapults alike, and those that still stood were now but scaffolds to the moss and ivy dragging our past civilisation back to nature. The stone was patched dark with dried bloodstains, and every street was littered with bone. Some were intact, the ones lucky enough to be killed instantly from a fallen house or stampede. But many more were fragments spun out of a titan's mouth when their teeth came clamping down. And then there were the piles, the remains of that disgusting titan vomit, eroded away leaving only a stack of skeletons.

Five years later, this town of bones was spattered with fresh blood and flesh. This would be one hell of a cleanup mission, now that it was all over.

I'd flown back to the gate with one thought in my mind: Eren. Even after all that had happened, I still couldn't help but think of him. I told myself it wasn't that strange: I just wanted to know that he was safe, just to know that it wasn't in vain, just to celebrate with him a little, or something. I only felt sorry for him, that was all. Ever since I found out how his father practically reared him for revenge, I couldn't help but feel a little something. His life was messed up in so many ways, I guess I wasn't surprised how psychotic he turned out. Anyway, I really shouldn't have cared. I should have been trying to forget him and move on. But I couldn't seem to resist thinking about him, obsessing over him, reliving the moments I'd shared with him. Well, it seemed I really was as much a shitty brat as anyone.

There was a crowd gathered, hammering away at the titan rock features that were covering the gate like a web. They told me Eren had gone in to seal it, but now that it was sealed he had yet to come out. I told them I'd go in. I was the smallest, after all.

Really, I was just being selfish. I didn't want him, but I still wanted to be his everything.

What a mess.

I took off the belts and my gear that were too bulky to carry with me inside, but I stuck one half-broken sword in my waistband anyway.

Inside it was caustic, and a familiar smell of dust and granite assaulted my nose. I clambered through the stalagmites and 'tites like a spider, dreading the dark and the cold stone that reminded me of the city I grew up in. This wasn't a good place for me. My talent was flying, moving through the air and spinning, twisting, gliding, bearing down. In cramped places I was awkward, but at least I was small.

"Eren?" I called, to no answer. I couldn't see the ceiling. Once I had ridden out, leaned my head all the way back and seen the moment when that roof turned to clear blue sky. That was impossible now. I wondered briefly what would happen to these walls now that it was over. The tunnel was long, and Eren had filled it with these cement strands that spun out from his titan body. I climbed through in the dark, pulling my cravat up around my mouth as the air became drier and harder to breathe. The deeper I travelled, the thicker the rock got, until eventually it all came together in the centre of the maze; a thick cocoon in the shape of a titan.

The titan's face was to me, and for a moment I feared the worst: that Eren had trapped himself inside and had been crushed or suffocated already. But as I moved around the back, the rock grew sticky and closer to liquid than solid. In the middle of that mess I found him, his shoulders and head the only parts of him protruding from the encasement.

Eren's eyes were closed. What a peaceful, angelic face, I thought. For a brat, anyway. I climbed up to him, and stood a moment staring at him in the dim. His skin had turned a sickly pale yellow, and crumbled on the edges where it met the rock. In other places, it stretched and stuck like half-dried glue. His mouth was open slightly and he wheezed delicately on every breath. I found myself reaching out to touch his cracked grey lips.

I stopped halfway, clenching my fist. I knew this boy wasn't for me. So what was I doing? The whole affair was a blip in my memory: the breakup even less significant. But that was a lie; I had just been so enraged and crushed that I was barely present to make memories of it. What had I said? What had I failed to say? There was just so much I wished he could understand. You're not the person I thought you were. Or hoped you might be. OK? And I'm not what you wanted either. I don't know what you wanted. Was it distraction? Punishment? Was it simply some release? I don't think you're a Dom or a sub, Eren. You're just a kid with way too much on his plate. You're under so much pressure. You're scared of losing control. You feel unworthy of the title 'humanity's hope.' I get it. This world is a shitty place to live in, and you've had it harder than most. It's not an excuse but … it can help me understand. Still, there's no way I can forgive you.

I have to leave.

Right now, he looked so sweet, like none of that mattered anymore, and I hoped someday that it might be true. I hoped he would be happy, and live a life free of troubles. Find love. Find meaning. Find his freedom. Wasn't that the fucking cheesiest thing you've ever heard? But, whatever, I meant it. The tragedy was that that life wasn't meant to be shared with me. I couldn't cause myself any more pain trying to support someone who hurt me like this. Even if I loved him … no, not even then.

I couldn't tell him. To do so would only be putting myself at risk. If I showed how much it broke my heart, if he had even an inkling of how much he'd meant to me, he'd only get some stupid hope that I would want to stick around. I wasn't obliged to take care of him, my only responsibility was to take care of myself. I had to be strong just to resist those poor, pathetic eyes and that sob story of a life. It wasn't my business. I know it sounds harsh, but I had to be cruel now that I knew what he was really like. Manipulative. Abusive. Catastrophic. If he could find a weakness, any weakness at all, I knew he would exploit it and wouldn't stop until he had me back. He'd bleed me dry trying to make his life a little more bearable. But I couldn't do it, when the chances were he'd fuck me over again when I failed to be enough. That's why I had to cut myself off, as best I could. I was cruel to be kind. We'd both be better off, in the end.

I still found it hard to believe, though. Fucking maniacal brat. I said it from the start, didn't I? I said it, and yet I fell for his sweet look anyway.

It was easy to say with hindsight that I never loved him. No, I don't think so. I made myself believe it, because fucking a minor seemed slightly less offensive if I really believed it was love. What a fucking idiot I was. Yeah, I cared for him, but I couldn't have known him well enough to love him. I didn't know the things he was capable of doing in confusion, in fear, in anger. And knowing what I knew now, there was no way I could love this brat.

I hated him. For his crazy passion that I'd never understand. His innocence and dumbass immaturity. His belief that he should be loved unconditionally. I hated him for making me feel so weak, for manipulating me, for not looking deeper than my rank and my mask. That was my fault, I guess, for wearing a mask to begin with.

I still hated him, a little. But I couldn't help wanting him anyway.

"Eren," I sighed, watching as the eyes behind his pale lids stir. "You idiot."

I took the knife from my belt, and cut him down with difficulty. Once freed, he fell heavily into my arms. For a second I thought I felt him embrace me, his hands tugging at my clothes and his voice whispering nonsense against my neck. Yeah, I was glad I was the one here with him now. Slipping down from the rock titan, I grit my teeth and swung him onto my back.

I was tired, and it was a struggle to find my way out through the thick stone all around. The heat of the battle was leaving my blood, my energy dissipating rapidly as it began to sink in. We had done it. Our world was won. This boy on my back was the last titan. It didn't make me feel content. In fact, I felt more anxious than ever.

The other thing I hated Eren for was having this in common with me. We were both people defined by war, hardship and suffering. Him, a monster of revenge; me, a soldier of remorse. What future was there for people like us? What was left, once our duty was done?

I was distracted by these annoying thoughts, so I didn't realise it straight away as I lay him down on damp grass: it should have been stone. We were on the other side, on the outside, fields of green flooding out before us. The wall was behind me. And Eren had stopped breathing.

"Eren," I whispered, gripping his face in both my hands. "Shit … Eren!" For a moment, I forgot everything, forgot what to do. Then it came back to me like a brick to the head and I pumped on his chest — one, two, three, four — and prised his jaw open to force air into his lungs. His lips were bone dry. One, two, three, four. Breathe. One, two, three … oh shit.

"No. No, no, no …" I muttered, shaking his limp body. Panic gripped me as I pounded on his chest with all my might. No. It can't be. I couldn't stop. I couldn't let him go. I held his face in my hands, my resuscitations turning to kisses on his crumbling lips, his cheeks, his eyelids and forehead and ears, as tears began swarming in my eyes. I shut them tight and held him, but I couldn't hold back any longer. Where was my bloody self-control?

"Don't make me kill you, Eren. If you can do that, there's no way I'm letting you die."

"Eren, please," I muttered, sobbing openly now. "Don't die. Please … please don't leave me." I clung to his chest, crushing him as close to me as I was able, tugging at clothes, skin, flesh. I pulled away, holding his face and rubbing his cheeks with my thumbs while yelling madly at him. "Not you! You're not a fucking martyr, you idiot! You're a beacon! Wake up! Wake …"

I drew in a ragged breath as I stared at him in horror. There was blood of the corner of his mouth, and I pulled out a handkerchief and wiped it frantically. Then I remembered: Mikasa had warned me of this. Eren would push himself to the fullest, no matter what the cost. He wasn't prepared for this. But why — why wouldn't he just think about himself, the fucking idiot? I wished I had reassured him more, tried harder to drain his father's doctrine out of him. He didn't need to sacrifice himself for revenge. He didn't need to give his life for this cause.

He's a soldier, a voice in my head reminded me. That's kinda the whole point.

I shook my head. "Not you, Eren," I repeated in a hoarse whisper. "Eren, you don't have to die. We did it, we killed the titans. Now wake up, Eren! Eren, please …"

Why was I falling to pieces like this? Over a dead brat? But he was my brat — and no, I refused to believe that he was dead. Still, I was unable to prevent the dissolution of my nerves as I succumbed to my fear and misery. I pressed my face into his clothes, screaming, giving in to hysteria at the thought of being left alone. I weeped, for the first time since that first mission. No matter who came and went, I would always be the survivor. Me, alone, in an empty world. It had happened again. But I really didn't expect this one. Maybe I thought he was too young to die. Maybe I thought his titan power would keep him alive. Maybe I thought he was stronger than the rest; that he was like me.

Maybe I was a fucking hopeful old fool and thought I could really save him.

I was selfish. I was always selfish. I wanted to control what couldn't be controlled. I wanted to be the one person he needed, for everything. I wanted to be his shield, his sword, his lover, his friend. Was that so bad? I wanted to possess him, to own him, to keep him all to myself. That was a little worse.

Even now, somewhere deep in the quietest corner of my heart, I was somewhat glad that I was the one to be with him in his last moments. But I was also pretty pissed that I had ever agreed to let him out of my sight in the first place.

I pulled Eren's head away, clutching him tightly and looking over his face. I blinked back my tears, yearning to see him, trying to burn his features into my memories. I parted his hair on each side the way it fell, and touched him gently. "I'm sorry, OK?" I said, my desperation escalating. "I'm sorry I called you a monster and an idiot and a shitty brat! I'm sorry for not being the easiest to get on with. I'm sorry—" I choked up, losing myself.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect you.

"Captain Levi," came a voice from above. I looked up, clutching Eren's body to me and raising my broken sword with a trembling hand. A group of three had surrounded me, hanging down the wall with their ropes. Tears were blocking my vision, but I could hear them just fine. "Stand down, Levi. We'll take the body."

"It's not a body," I hissed, clutching him closer. "It's the brat. He's my responsibility. I can take care of it."

"You were ordered to stand down. Commander Smith—"

"Smith's gone!" I yelled. "No — fuck it, if Erwin's dead then I'm still in charge of this brat. I'm not letting you have him!" I glanced down at his little face growing paler. I'm going crazy, I thought. But I don't care anymore. He's all that's left. He's mine.

I looked up, taking in the positions of the three. The one in the middle was shorter than the others. The other two wore sympathetic faces. I realised at once that there was a bunch of people on top of the wall right now, witnessing my madness. Witnessing my tragedy. Witnessing me falling apart over a boy … a brat.

I look down at Eren's face, my heartbeat suddenly the only thing I could hear. One year, and it wouldn't have been a crime. One year, and he would have died without us ever having expressed our feelings. But we had, and he died, and now I had outed myself to the entire fucking survey corps because of it. Erwin was gone, and who else would be sympathetic to someone like me? I'd go to jail for this. Even in death, Eren had screwed me over one last time.

"This is your last warning …" they said.

I rose to my feet, removing the half-broken blade from my belt. There was nothing left to do, it seemed. This was what I was best at, sizing up a situation in a few quick seconds or less. I was a master of self-control, after all; I had just forgotten it for a second there. My hand was steady, my eyes drying and growing clear.

Things seemed pretty obvious right now: I was going to be incarcerated either way. Might as well end with a bang. "Yeah, well why don't you fight me for hi—?"

BANG!

Impact hit my stomach and forced the air right out of me. There was a dull thud as I dropped the sword on the grass. I still expected a clatter, still thought I was inside the wall. Heat swelled inside me, turning quickly to an agonising pain. I doubled over, clutching my stomach, and felt a warm sticky liquid coat my fingers.

I looked down at my hand, saw the red, and inhaled a little in surprise.

I choked on my breath, coughed, and blood forced its way up my throat. My hand rose to my mouth. I gagged, and swallowed it back down.

"Shit," I mumbled, using my sleeve to wipe my face. This was kinda embarrassing.

My legs gave way and I collapsed beside Eren, catching myself on my knees and picking back up my crappy sword to lean on. I hunched over, coughing again and spitting out to the side. My mind was moving sluggishly compared to the rest of my body, which was spinning itself into a panic before I could even attempt to calm it down. Breathing exercises were no good here, I was spluttering and gasping, seizing up. My hand landed on Eren's chest randomly rather than me reaching for it intentionally, and as I clutched his shirt I felt my energy draining rapidly while pain dulled my senses. I lay down slowly, curling my arm around his head, stupidly still trying to protect him. But it was no good. I wheezed, wincing through the pain to turn my head and brush my lips gently against his neck. His hair tickled my face and it felt like nothing but the agony in my core. I saw a red mark left behind on his skin, a smear of blood from my mouth like a little love bite. I heard my pulse in my head, felt it in my stomach, and a ghost of it fell on my lips.

Hands pulled at my shirt. I clung to Eren's body. And just then, at the last second, I heard a small noise, almost like a gasp. Then he stirred beside me.

"L-Levi …"

"Eren?!" I croaked. I pushed myself up, beating back my capturers and bearing the pain just to see his face. The colour was still gone from his cheeks, but there were those eyes, blinking up at me with all the ignorance and intensity and beauty they ever had. And weren't they something else.

"Eren," I gasped, my body convulsing, "I'm sorry. I promised … that I'd protect you."

He smiled wearily at me, his eyes glistening. Was I hallucinating? I was sure he was an angel. Still, he didn't have to look so frigging happy. I held my stomach, but felt my heart lighten slightly, inexplicably. I was such an idiot, but by now I didn't really seem to care. I mean, what a fucking farce my life had become! I had just proclaimed my love to Eren in defiance of his death, in front of everyone, got myself shot in the process … and, as it turned out, he wasn't even dead.

"You bastard," I choked, cracking up laughing and groaning through the pain.

"Levi," he whispered. His hand found my hair, rubbing it gently. "Please … stay with me."

"Of course," I said, touching his cheek. It didn't mean a thing. They had backed off for a second in shock at him waking up, but in a moment they'd regain their senses. They were going to take him. They were going to arrest me. How could I stay?

Sure, I was dying anyway.

He smiled at me, pulling me closer to his body. I let myself fall, succumbing to his will. He felt strong somehow, or maybe it was just that I was so weak. I nudged his cheek gently, and he turned his eyes back to me. The green — or blue — or both — was gorgeous. Ah … turquoise, that was the word. I wanted to sink into them, down to the depths, as I felt fatigue wash over me. They watered slightly as he smiled at me, and I watched absentmindedly as he lifted his arm to his face. His palm was extended, and then he opened his mouth.

Words caught up with blood in my throat. "Eren, no—!"

Heat blinded me, as the world blew up in steam.