"Why do we have to go to the haunted house at the lodge this year?" Becky asked.
"Yeah, this bites," Darlene agreed, "Why can't we just do our own haunted house at home like we did last year?"
"Because your dad's lodge is doing one of their own and it's going to be for charity," Roseanne explained to her children, "And we're certainly going to support a good cause where, you know, we don't have to do any real work ourselves."
"What if we did our own haunted house for charity?" Darlene suggested.
Roseanne flashed one of her 'I'm onto you' smirks and replied, "Because I get the strangest feeling somehow that money for charity would wind up in your pocket, Darlene."
"Hey," she shrugged, "Charity begins at home, right?"
Becky rolled her eyes at her sister's comment.
"Alright you two," Roseanne said as she went to get her coat, "Your aunt Jackie and I are going to go out and pick out our costumes and get your brother one, you two be thinking about what you're going to be. I'm not going to be embarrassed by having anyone of my family show up on Halloween out of costume."
Jackie poked her head into the living room and asked, "Everything okay in here, sis?"
"Yeah," Roseanne answered as she stuck her arms into the sleeves of her coat, "Just let me get my purse." On the way, she stopped by the stairs and hollered up, "DEEEEE-JAAAAAY!"
There was a pause before they finally heard the little boy's voice call down the stairs, "WHAT?"
Roseanne looked up the stairs and called up, "If you want to go and get a Halloween costume, get your butt down here in the next 10 seconds."
There was another pause before they heard him respond, "Okay!"
Roseanne picked up her purse and counted half under her breath, D.J. came stampeding down the stairs and reached the bottom with five seconds to spare.
"What're you going to be for Halloween, Deej?" Jackie asked.
"I don't know yet," he answered.
Roseanne stood next to her son and looked down at him and told him, "Well get your coat on, Mister, or else you'll be going as a kid with pneumonia for Halloween."
"Mo-ther," Becky said in her exaggerated, annoying tone, "You don't get pneumonia from being in the cold."
"Too bad," Darlene said cynically, "I'd lock your jumbo butt outside in your underwear."
Becky glared at her and told her, "Shut up, Darlene."
"You shut up," Darlene replied.
"Hey, hey!" Roseanne told them, "Both of you's shut up, otherwise I'm taking you with us."
Jackie held her tongue until they were almost out the door, then she leaned over and asked Roseanne, "Bring them with us? What good would that do?"
"I don't know," Roseanne answered, "It was just the first thing I could think of."
Roseanne and Jackie checked out the adult costumes in the mall while D.J. was left to his own devices looking through the kids' costumes.
"I mean I guess the girls got a point, our haunted house was way more fun than the lodge's haunted house will be," Roseanne said as she took a costume off the rack and held it up against her, "On the other hand, I hate cleaning up."
"What about Crystal? Is she coming with us?" Jackie asked.
"No," Roseanne answered as she hung the costume back up, "She ain't coming, she's got a date that night." She turned to her sister and asked her, "Can you believe that?"
"That Crystal has a date?" Jackie asked.
"Well aside from that," Roseanne said, "I mean who goes out on a date on Halloween? There're 364 other perfectly good days to completely waste the whole night on some loser."
Jackie looked to her and commented, "And you wonder why I never want you meeting any of my boyfriends."
"Jackie, I am your big sister, alright?" Roseanne asked, "It's my job to protect you from yourself."
"Oh thanks a lot," Jackie replied.
Roseanne huffed and said, "None of these costumes that fit me are anything I want. About the only thing in my size are the witch costumes, and I was a witch last year."
"So," Jackie shrugged, "What do you want to be this year?"
"I don't know, something different," Roseanne answered as she resumed looking, "Maybe something fun for a change instead of just plain scary."
"Fun, you?" Jackie asked sarcastically.
"Oh hey, this is perfect!" Roseanne exclaimed, and pulled out an accessory set to a cat costume: collar, belt, ear headband and a plastic nose.
"I don't know, Roseanne, it doesn't really look like you," Jackie said uncertainly.
"Not for me, for you!" Roseanne told her, "It's perfect, you'll look so cute in this."
"Oh yeah," Jackie said unenthusiastically, "Real good, I don't have anybody to look cute for anymore."
"That's why it's perfect," her sister told her, "You can find a new guy at the party."
Jackie rolled her eyes and scoffed.
"Mom!" D.J. came over to them, "I found the costume I want!"
"Hey that's great, Deej," Jackie said.
"Yeah, let's see it," Roseanne said as she reached to take it from him. She held it up and saw it was a witch's costume, black dress, black hat, long warty nose, black and white striped socks and red glittery slippers.
"Oh would you look at that? That's fantastic, D.J.," Roseanne told her son.
"Can we get it?" he asked her hopefully.
"Well sure," she told him as she folded it up, "You know, it's only Halloween once a year, why not? You are going to be the best witch at the whole haunted house."
"Cool!"
"What about you, Roseanne, what are you going to be?" Jackie asked.
"Hmmmm," Roseanne looked around at the costumes, and didn't see anything that really grabbed her, then she went over to the costume accessories and picked up a latex and facial hair kit, and she looked back to her sister with a devilish grin.
"Uh oh, what is it?" Jackie asked.
"I've got it, Jackie," she said, "I'm going to be a man."
Jackie had a good long laugh at that, until she realized Roseanne had a dead serious look on her face, then she quit laughing and said to her sister, "What?"
"It'll be something different and it can just be fun," Roseanne said, "Hey, what'll really be fun will be to see if anyone recognizes me."
"Roseanne," Jackie tried to be diplomatic, "I'm pretty sure everybody will be able to recognize you."
"We'll just see about that," Roseanne replied, then she turned to her son and added, "Come on, D.J., let's get checked out."
"Okay," D.J. followed after his mom, proudly carrying his new costume as he walked behind her.