Secrets Kept

Couldn't get this one up as fast as the last few… Sadly, duty calls when school is in session. Anyway, here's the newest update. Thanks to AlphaGammaSigma, orphan chica, and pokemaster101 for the reviews!

How are Gary and Tracey going to get through this one? I guess we'll have to see!

Chapter Twenty

It took every ounce of willpower that Gary had in him to drag himself down to the lab. The headache and stomach issues arising from his hangover didn't matter anymore – he had bigger issues to contend with. He still had to figure out what to do with the whole Amanda situation but that particular problem still wasn't as big as the one involving Tracey.

Just how had he managed to kiss two people in one night?

Fireball, vodka, and tequila – that's how you managed it, you idiot, he thought as he hesitated before the door to the lab.

Finally consigning himself to the inevitable, Gary pushed the door open and stepped into the lab. He determined after a glance around that Tracey wasn't even in the lab. Breathing a sigh of relief, Gary crossed the large room to peer at the clipboards that hung near the back door. The boards listed the duties that needed to be done each day and Tracey had already marked off several of the major chores and even a few of Gary and May's smaller chores. Gary couldn't help but feel that sinking feeling of guilt in his stomach once more when he saw just how much the elder teen had completed while he had been upstairs sleeping, throwing up, and feeling sorry for himself.

Just then Tracey walked through the door holding a clipboard with a stack of forms attached to it. Although it was only just after nine-thirty in the morning, Tracey already looked exhausted. His hair was messy as though he had been running his hands through it often, which he usually did when he was stressed, and beads of sweat were sliding down his face. Still he smiled at the sight of Gary.

"You look like death warmed over," Tracey commented, glancing over Gary as he reached for the pencil attached to a clipboard on the wall and checked off three more duties.

"Tracey, I-"

"Not yet, Gary," Tracey interrupted, holding up a hand. "We need to talk, but there's a lot that needs to get done first," he said.

It was hard to tell exactly what was going through his head but his tone was kind so Gary tried not to think too deeply into it. Tracey passed his clipboard off to Gary, who looked down at it to see that it contained several charts regarding behavior and general health that needed to be put into the database on the computer. As Gary glanced through the charts, Tracey walked to one of the lab sinks and turned the water on, splashing the cool liquid in his face and sighing softly.

"It's hot outside," he commented, turning off the water and resting his elbows on the counter, not turning to look at Gary. "You should work on entering those before you do anything outside." Without another word or glance back at Gary, he headed towards the door, grabbing another clipboard and a small plastic tub with equipment in it from the counter on his way. He paused at the door and took a deep breath. "Have you looked at your desk yet?" he asked Gary.

Gary shook his head in response and looked up from the clipboard he was holding to see Tracey shift his weight uncomfortably. The pokemon watcher suddenly seemed fascinated with the papers on the clipboard he had picked up.

"You should do that first," Tracey said softly, still not looking at Gary. "The database is up on my computer, you can use it." With that, he ducked out of the lab and headed across the grass towards the large lake.

Sheer determination was the only thing that kept him from turning around and heading back to the lab to talk to Gary. He wanted to talk to the other teen, desperately, but just couldn't face him yet. He didn't know what to even say or do about what they had done. Part of him just wanted to grab Gary by the shoulders and kiss him until their lips were bruised. Part of him just wanted to tell Gary how very much he cared for him and ask him to be his boyfriend. A huge part of him was scared of the repercussions of either of those, and that part of him fueled a small part that just wanted to tell Gary that it had been a mistake and hadn't meant anything.

That would, of course, be a lie and a huge one at that.

Tracey let out a despondent groan and dropped the clipboard and plastic container to the ground. Having reached the lake, he sank down to his knees in the grass and opened the container to reveal the equipment used to measure the pH, temperature, salinity, and a half-dozen other levels of the water. He picked up a glass vial to collect a water sample but was suddenly overwhelmed by mental and physical exhaustion. Setting the vial back in the container, Tracey sighed and hung his head. Closing his eyes, he wished he could revisit the night before and just do everything differently.

But that was impossible. And even if it weren't, that would mean that he would be taking back those kisses that they had shared and that was one of the last things Tracey wanted to do. The kisses had been wonderful and that was one of the reasons why the situation hurt so horribly.

They couldn't be together. They just couldn't. It wouldn't work.

The thought had his eyes burning but this wasn't the time to dwell on it. There was too much work to be done and the conversation could wait a few hours more. He blinked back the tears that were burning his eyes, took a deep breath, and picked up the vial once more.

The work wasn't going to do itself after all.

… … …

Gary watched as Tracey left the lab, torn between wanting to follow and talk to him and just staying in the lab and doing the work that Tracey had asked him to do. Curiosity, however, won first. Tracey had told him to look at his desk so Gary headed to it first. Sitting on his desk was a sports drink, a water bottle, a small bottle of aspirin, and another water bottle – all lined up in that order across the desk. Each container bore a sticky note with Tracey's handwriting on it. Gary's heart sank despite the tiny half-smile that formed as he picked up the sports drink.

Drink the whole bottle before you do anything else, the note from Tracey read. The notes on the other containers were similar in nature, each a reminder to drink before moving on to his next task.

Sighing sadly, Gary set the bottle back on the desk and hung his head. He felt like the biggest idiot on the planet; Tracey always went out of his way to be so kind to him and how did Gary constantly pay him back? By being a stubborn dumbass who got drunk with his friends only to go whining to Tracey and then screw everything up by kissing him.

Except he's the one who kissed you…

Gary frowned at this realization, having not considered this. Perhaps this meant that…

It doesn't matter, Gary thought, shaking his head impatiently. He didn't have the energy to attempt to analyze his relationship with Tracey.

He picked the drink up in one hand and began to head back to Tracey's desk, grabbing the clipboard of reports that needed to be entered as he went. Maybe he could talk to Tracey after he had gotten some work done.

The reports were entered just about as quickly and efficiently as ever. It took a few minutes for Gary's eyes to adjust to the screen with his headache but he easily fell into his usual rhythm of entering the information into the computer. The work was mind-numbing but simple and it kept him from thinking about Tracey. Once he was done, he did as Tracey had requested in his notes and obediently drank the first bottle of water and took the aspirin Tracey had left on his desk. By now the nausea had faded into a dull pain in his stomach and though the headache remained, it was much more manageable. Gary knew he would be feeling the effects of the hangover for the rest of the day but the intensity of it was at least diminishing as the morning wore on.

Just as Gary was about to open the second bottle of water, Tracey came back in to drop off the equipment and the charts with all of the measured water parameters. The teen dropped the clipboard of charts on the desk next to Gary without a word and carried the container with the vials of water samples he had collected from each body of water on the ranch over to the microscope.

Gary gave a small sigh but pulled the clipboard towards him in order to enter the information into the electronic spreadsheets for each pond, stream, and lake. He stood from Tracey's desk and headed for his own so he could pull up the file of spreadsheets. As he did so, he watched out of the corner of his eye as Tracey methodically prepared wells of water small enough to be examined for amoebas under the microscope. It was typically Gary who did this but Tracey would often help out, usually smiling and carrying on a normal conversation with Gary. The silence in the lab was unusual, thick, and uncomfortable.

Gary brought up the spreadsheet and began entering the water stats for the first pond, trying to slip right back into the usual rhythm of entering data. This time he couldn't. The air in the lab simply felt too thick and stifling. Tracey's pointed silence made him feel as though he had screwed up far more than he had imagined. The discomfort and guilt steadily built as Gary entered the data for more ponds and streams until he could take no more.

"Tracey?" He asked suddenly, turning away from the computer. He waited until Tracey looked up from the microscope with an adorably quizzical expression upon his face. "I know I really screwed up last night, but... Are you mad at me?" Gary couldn't help but cringe at the childish question. It sounded so pathetic but he felt an incredible need to know.

Tracey sighed and pulled away from the microscope, rubbing at his eyes as he did so. "No," he said softly, his voice barely audible across the lab. "I'm not mad at you, Gary." He lowered his gaze once more as he removed a well of pond water from the microscope and replaced it with another.

"It seems like it," Gary replied quietly, watching as Tracey peered through the eye piece of the microscope and fiddled with the knobs for a moment. It seemed as though Tracey was not going to respond and Gary reluctantly turned back to the computer.

"Ponds one through six are clear," Tracey spoke up a few moments later. It had only been a couple of minutes but it felt much longer with the heavy silence hanging between them.

Gary jotted the information down at the top of the page he was on and turned to face Tracey again. "Trace-"

"Not here," Tracey interrupted, looking up and finally meeting Gary's eyes from across the room. He ran a hand through his hair and heaved another sigh. "Darren and Adrian are supposed to be helping today: they should be down here any time now. All things considered, I don't think it would be very good if they came in in the middle of that particular conversation."

"I can't stand the silence, Tracey," Gary blurted. He could understand the reasoning behind why Tracey didn't want to talk about it in the lab, but they had to talk sooner or later and he couldn't handle the tension that only seemed to grow the longer they went without having the discussion they so clearly needed to have.

Tracey nodded as he looked away. "It won't be silent much longer," he mused quietly, his eyes flicking over to the windows. Gary followed his gaze and groaned at the sight of his two aforementioned friends. Tracey appeared to think for a brief moment before he looked back over at Gary. "Look," he said, running a hand through his hair again. "I'm not mad at you and I really do want to talk to you. I'm taking care of the horses after this, how about you meet me out there when you're done with the water data?"

"What about Darren and Adrian?" Gary asked, watching the two boys as they came closer to the lab.

"The pokemon need lunch, don't they?" Tracey replied as he returned his attention to the microscope just before the other two teens entered the lab.

Reassured by what Tracey had said, Gary turned back to the computer and was able to focus on entering the data as Tracey directed the other boys to begin the food preparation. Darren and Adrian had apparently recovered from their hangovers better than Gary had and set about their task with the same energy level as always while recounting stories from the night before and from past parties. Their playful banter and laughter effortlessly broke the silence that had fallen between Gary and Tracey as they continued their work.

Once Tracey was done examining the water samples and he had cleaned up the vials and glass wells, he headed towards the back door, passing Gary as he went. He wordlessly tapped the lid on the remaining water bottle in a silent reminder to drink it and dropped a note on Gary's desk. Unsure of what to expect, Gary took a deep breath and reached for the note before immediately deflating.

North stream still has amoebas, the others are all clear.

Gary rolled his eyes but began adding the amoeba information to the data he had already entered. He glanced over at Tracey as the older teen opened the back door and met his eyes. Tracey smiled faintly and glanced in the direction of the ponyta and rapidash stable, tilting his head slightly in that direction. Giving the slightest of nods, Gary turned to the computer to finish. Only a few minutes later and he was exiting the spreadsheet on the computer and quickly heading out to the stables, just barely remembering to grab his water and call instructions to his friends as he left the lab.

He found Tracey in the stable, just as the watcher said he would be. Even though the horses, being a fire-type, fell under Gary's responsibilities, Tracey never seemed to be able to stay away from them for long. They seemed to be one of his favorite sorts of pokemon to work with and if anyone ever needed to find Tracey, the stable was one of the first places to look for him.

The horses were already outside in the field but Pele whinnied excitedly and came trotting over at the sight of Gary. He smiled and patted her on the nose when she nudged him expectantly. The young ponyta gave a snort of appreciation and nudged Gary's hand before looking over at Tracey, who was currently working on cleaning Pele's stall. She looked back at Gary with another expectant look, clearly wanting either attention or food – most likely both, knowing her.

Gary gave a small laugh and patted her again. "Later, okay? Go bug Apollo for now." Flicking her tail, Pele gave a dissenting snort that made Gary smile amusedly. "We have to clean the stalls," he explained to her with a small shake of his head. "Darren and Adrian will feed you soon; you should annoy them as much as you can when they come."

This seemed to appease Pele and she trotted off to join two other young ponytas as they grazed nearby. Gary watched them for a moment longer before heading into the stable to join Tracey and wordlessly began cleaning the next stall. With how much time the horse pokemon spent out in the field, they were able to work with a rotating schedule, cleaning only four of the twelve large stalls each day.

Because of this, their work in the stables went quickly. Tracey soon finished cleaning the stall that Pele shared with the two young ponyta she had joined in the field and moved on to the next, which he finished around the same time Gary finished with the one he had started. No other stalls needed cleaning and there were no other chores in the stables that needed doing, leaving Gary with nothing to do other than help Tracey finish cleaning the fourth stall.

Once more, that tight, unpleasant silence reigned between them as they worked. Fortunately the silence didn't last long and was broken by Tracey as soon as they finished.

"You're right," he announced as he tossed one last armful of hay on the floor. "The silence is too much."

"For once, I get to say I told you so," Gary replied with a wry smile as he began returning their brooms and rakes to the storage closet.

Tracey laughed quietly and looked over at Gary. "I think that's the first time you've actually been able to say that to me," he remarked, walking along the length of the stable to check the water levels in the troughs in each stall.

After making sure that all of the equipment was stowed properly Gary closed the storage closet door and leaned against it, watching as Tracey double-checked the amount of hay in each stall, even though they both knew there was enough to make the horses happy.

Gary knew they were both stalling the inevitable, difficult talk that was ahead of them but was determined to wait for Tracey to be ready for it. He soon realized, however, that he would have to be the one to start this conversation. Tracey seemed to be waiting on him, filling every second of silence with the unnecessary checking of every last thing he could think of, even resorting to checking that the latches on the stall doors were catching properly. Finally, Tracey looked up at Gary when the younger teen cleared his throat awkwardly.

"I don't really know what happened last night," Gary began haltingly. "I know I drank way more than I should have and I don't know why no one thought to make me stop."

Sighing for what must have been the hundredth time that day, Tracey left the stall he had been checking at the far side of the stable and approached Gary. "Last night shouldn't have happened," he said softly, sinking down to sit on a bale of hay.

"I really screwed up," Gary admitted quietly. He nervously tugged at the edge of his shirt, unsure if Tracey was referring to the drinking, the situation with Amanda, or what they had done. The fact that the other boy was avoiding looking at him did not help the nerves he could feel twisting his stomach into knots.

"You did," Tracey agreed slowly. "But I messed up too; I could have checked on you and told you to stop, but I didn't."

"Yeah, but it's not your job to baby-sit me, Tracey. You're not responsible for me: I am."

"Maybe," Tracey agreed, "But that's not the point. We're both responsible for the lab. I should have reminded you about that, and then we wouldn't be in this situation."

"You did," Gary reminded him quietly. "I didn't have to drink when I went back downstairs. I could have told May and everyone else to leave me alone, but I didn't. Instead I let them get under my skin and now here we are!"

Tracey ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. This conversation seemed to be going nowhere fast. "How about we just agree that everyone could have made different choices that could have led to a better outcome," he suggested as calmly as possible.

With a faint smile Gary nodded. "I guess I can share the blame," he relented. "I know May at least deserves some of it, she's the one that –"

"Gary, enough!" Tracey exclaimed, interrupting the other teen. He was exhausted, both physically and mentally drained from the past week, and he could feel his patience slipping further from his grasp with each minute that passed. "It doesn't matter whose fault it is – last night shouldn't have happened!"

Gary, to his credit, fell quiet at Tracey's outburst. Silence hung between them for a moment and in that moment both boys were aware of their hearts beating almost painfully fast. They both knew the conversation had reached the turning point. There was no backing away from it: the kiss was the next topic to come.

"Last night shouldn't have happened," Tracey repeated softly, keeping his eyes to the ground and not daring to look up at Gary.

Gary nodded faintly, he too keeping his eyes downcast. "We kissed last night," he said so softly that it was barely audible even to Tracey, who sat only a few feet away.

"We did," Tracey agreed, just as quietly.

"We've kissed before," Gary reminded him. It was the first time either of them had ever brought their previous kisses up in conversation.

Tracey took a deep breath at the mention of the few times they had kissed before. "Those were always innocent," he replied. Before last night, there had only ever been one brief, fleeting kiss on the lips but several quick pecks had been shared between them. Even though there had always been an underlying desire, the kisses had remained innocent…

Until last night.

Gary could only nod as his heart pounded in his chest. In spite of all of the anguish he had gone through in coming to terms with his attraction to other males over the last year, and all of the insecurities he constantly felt well up in him at the thought of coming out about his sexuality to even one more person, Gary felt an odd confidence rise in him. For all those fearful moments, he now felt calm. He had always known that he liked Tracey, more than simply as a friend, but the kiss seemed to have sealed it for him. It made him realize just how much he wanted to be with him.

This all ran so much deeper than a crush on an attractive friend.

Taking a deep breath, Gary fought to calm his rapidly beating heat. "Then what was last night?" he asked, reigning in enough of his confidence to face this situation with absolute honesty.

Tracey heard the change in Gary's voice and closed his eyes, hanging his head as a flood of shame surge through him. He was certain he could tell where Gary was going with this: the seventeen-year-old was, after all, fairly easy to read. Even if he felt the same way and liked his close friend more than he felt he should, he couldn't go forward with it.

Over summer, when he had met an old childhood friend, he hadn't thought twice about agreeing to a relationship, even when he knew it couldn't be serious. Heated make out sessions had followed in the days to come, even though Tracey's thoughts were elsewhere, with a different person entirely. Then, encouraged by his sister, Tracey called it off and, as a result, a friendship was damaged beyond repair.

It had been his fault. If he had listened to his head, rather than his hormones, that situation wouldn't have happened.

He couldn't help but see a parallel in what was happening with Gary. They had a wonderful friendship and Gary had truly become his best friend. Their friendship was far too valuable to risk. For that reason, he felt he couldn't let this go any further than it already had.

"Yesterday was hormones and desperation," Tracey whispered, though it pained him to do so.

As quickly as it had come, Gary's confidence left him.

He hadn't had any true expectation of what the end result of their conversation would be. Since that confidence had flowed through him, he had intended to – or at least hoped to – admit to Tracey how he truly felt and how much he had enjoyed kissing him last night. At Tracey's words, though, all of the confidence that had welled up in him was gone. The hope that this relationship would blossom into more shattered in an instant.

"It was a mistake," Tracey said softly, refusing to raise his eyes from where they focused on the ground. Emotion swirled through him and he could feel his eyes burn but he refused to give in. He couldn't ruin this friendship.

Gary lowered his eyes, hoping ardently that Tracey didn't actually think that it had all been a mistake. Surely the older teen had felt the chemistry that had been in that kiss. He had to have felt how perfect and right it had felt when it happened. Even with such a hellish hangover, the thought of that kiss brought a feeling of absolute wholeness to Gary. He couldn't be the only one that felt that: it was too strong a feeling for that to be the case.

With that in mind, he forced himself to raise his eyes to look at Tracey. The other boy had his face in his hands and Gary could never remember seeing Tracey seem so overwhelmed about something. If the kiss had been nothing more than hormones and desperation, then why was he so upset about it all?

Gary wondered about it only briefly before realization suddenly hit him. It had meant more to Tracey than just some desperate, hormone-fueled kissing session with no true feeling behind it. It meant something to him, and that meant he had to have felt the emotions in the kiss. He had to have noticed how perfect everything had felt. He was just saying that it was a mistake and nothing more.

So why was he saying that?

While Tracey could easily read Gary, it was fairly easy for Gary to read him as well. He knew how deep their friendship ran and he knew how much Tracey valued his friendships. In that moment, he understood it all clearly. Tracey was afraid of their relationship changing and was trying to protect their friendship.

Closing his eyes, Gary bit his lip, torn on what to do next. Even though the very thought of it had his heart pounding almost to the point of nausea, he wanted to admit his feelings to Tracey. He wanted to push forward, especially if that meant another heated kiss like the ones from the night before, especially if each kiss and touch was going to feel that right. Despite all this, if he was honest with himself, he was downright terrified of screwing things up between them.

He couldn't tell Tracey how much he had loved the kisses they had shared the night before. Instead, he would have to follow Tracey's lead in this situation.

Giving a pained sigh, Gary nodded his head, more to himself than for Tracey's benefit. "I was too drunk to think last night," he replied just as softly as Tracey had spoken. "I'm sorry for screwing up," he apologized so quietly that he doubted Tracey had even heard him.

Tracey did hear him but didn't reply – he didn't trust his voice enough to reply. After another long moment of silence, he cleared his throat uncomfortably and muttered something about checking on the nidorans before abruptly standing and leaving the stable as quickly as he could. As soon as he was gone, Gary dropped heavily onto the bale of hay that Tracey had vacated. He was determined to just take a moment to gather himself before moving onto the next chore as if nothing had happened, but he could feel himself losing that particular battle.

The whole situation ate away at him more than anything else had before. This was worse than trying to come to terms with his sexuality – that was something he couldn't help even if he wanted to, this was all the result of conscious actions. He could have avoided this all if he just hadn't drank that night. It would have never happened.

But it did happen, and he was going to have to face the consequences.

Releasing a shaky breath, Gary buried his face in his hands and leaned forward until his elbows rested on his knees. Shame and guilt coursed through him, tearing into him as he felt his resolve crumbling. All he could think of was what a huge mess he had created of this and, as hot tears began to course down his cheeks, all he could do was wish he could relive the last twenty-four hours and do everything differently.

… … …