Chapter Five

"Were you really intending to slink away in the night without a proper goodbye?"

Tutankhamun stopped short in the spilling moonlight the moment Suhad's sleepy voice sounded behind him. He had waited well into the night before finally getting up from his pallet near the entrance of Suhad's family tent to gather supplies for the journey that lay ahead of him. After he was finished, however, he still found himself reluctant to leave, even knowing that he had very little time.

He taken those last few minutes before creeping out into the night to watch Suhad slumber, a faint smile ghosting his lips as he listened to the soft, sweet sounds she made in her sleep. In those quiet, unguarded moments she had never been more beautiful to him. He didn't want to leave her, didn't want to contemplate a future without her at his side. In total he had known her a little less than a month and in that short period of time she had changed him profoundly, in ways he was still coming to understand himself. After spending much of his life being denied that which he truly wanted, Tutankhamun never imagined that being experience that loss one more time could hurt quite so much.

It was a long time before he summoned the will to tear his eyes away from her sleeping form and gather together his supplies. However, before ducking out into the cool, desert night he'd allowed himself to steal one kiss, a fleeting brush across the delicate skin of her temple. He wanted to take the memory of her soft flesh beneath his lips with him wherever he went. Unfortunately, Tutankhamun never imagined the gentle gesture would be enough to rouse her and, therefore, ruin all his plans to slip away quietly into the night.

Sighing inwardly, he tipped an accusing glance up at the glistening canopy of stars stretched out across the sky. And then, he squared his shoulders and pivoted to face her. He wasn't prepared for how indescribably lovely she looked standing in the moonlight, her features still puffy from sleep, dark skin slightly dewy from the warmth within the tent, her riotous hair loose and free and framing her face in a halo of tight curls. Tutankhamun had to stamp down every instinct he had to close the distance between them and kiss her like he had been longing to do almost since the moment he had laid eyes on her.

"I thought it might be easier this way." The explanation was feeble and he knew it.

Suhad folded her arms across her mid-section in a defensive stance. "So that's it then? This is how you wish to leave it?"

He spread out his arms to her in a motion that was filled with supplication and frustration. "What other recourse do I have? You heard your father. I must return to Thebes before Ka is made Pharaoh. It is my birthright."

"And what of us?"

Tutankhamun blinked at her in confusion. "You led me to believe that there could be nothing between us. Has that changed?"

"It was never my intention to cut off all contact with you," she argued, "but I cannot pretend that your birthright doesn't impact what can be to each other."

He easily discerned her meaning without the need for further explanation. "I cannot love you as only a friend, Suhad," he said, "I want more than that."

"So you wish to make me your concubine? Am I to become part of your royal harem?"

"Do not cheapen what I feel for you by asking such questions! You know better."

"I know nothing!" she retorted sharply, "This morning you were Khaten...a fallen Egyptian soldier with whom I had fallen in love! And this evening you are Tutankhamun, the Pharaoh of all Egypt and my royal sovereign! You could not be further from me!"

Unable to resist the pull towards her any longer, Tutankhamun reached out to gather her into the circle of his arms and hold her close. She was rigid for only an instant before she wilted against him and molded her body to his. Her fingers bunched into the loose material of his robe, as if she feared he might dematerialize right then and there. Tutankhamun placed a tender kiss to her forehead.

"I know you are confused," he whispered, "and I regret the part I've played in that but, you must know, I have not changed, Suhad. The same man who loved you this morning is the same man who loves you now."

Suhad allowed herself only a few precious moments to bask in the unendurable sweetness of his declaration before she stiffened her spine and shrugged from his embrace. "We cannot do this," she told him resolutely, "You are the Pharaoh of Egypt and I am a commoner."

He stretched out his hand to touch her cheek, his heart contracting painfully when she skirted out of his reach. "Suhad...there is absolutely nothing common about you."

"Please stop pretending that nothing has changed!" she cried softly, "I'm not even certain of how I should address you any longer. Should I continue to call you 'Khaten' or must I be more formal and address you as 'my lord' or 'my king?' And, if it's the former, do I even have the right to be so familiar with you?"

"You may continue to call me 'Khaten,' if you wish," he invited in a deliberate and gentle tone, as if he sensed that she was mere moments from a complete emotional breakdown, "My name was once Tutankhaten, in honor of my father. I did not lie about that, Suhad."

"Just every other thing that mattered," she countered in a suffocated tone, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I'm afraid to believe you."

"This was the last thing I wanted. This is why I didn't tell you."

"But you would have had to tell me eventually," she concluded, "Or did you simply plan to disappear from my life without my ever becoming the wiser?"

"I didn't plan any of this, let alone falling in love with you."

She whimpered at his reply, folding herself in half as if he had just dealt her a blow. "Please stop saying that."

"I cannot stop loving you anymore than I can stop being Pharaoh. You are a part of me as much as my ancestors' bloodline."

"Couldn't we go somewhere else entirely?" she suggested with a sudden air of desperation, "We could go to a place where no one knows who you are. We could be together. We could be happy."

"I...I can't," he uttered brokenly, "You know I can't do that."

Suhad dropped her head forward in a defeated nod, concealing the tears of shame that welled in her eyes. "Yes, I know. Forgive my selfishness. I'm being a fool."

"No, you're not." Her quiet sobs began to resonate in the quiet, each gasp sounding as if it were being wrenched from her chest. But, when Tutankhamun moved forward to try and comfort her, she once again staved him off. "Tell me what I can do to make this better?" he pleaded.

"You can't make it better," she wept, "You didn't choose your birthright anymore than I did mine but this is the way it must be."

"Then why did you follow me out here?" he burst out suddenly, "To once again reiterate the many reasons we cannot be together? For what purpose? If it is so hopeless then why prolong this pain for us both?"

"Because I care about what happens to you!" she cried, "You cannot return to Thebes on your own! Surely you must realize that they will have men lying in wait to kill you when you do."

His jaw tightened with the prospect. "I know."

"Then why are you doing this on your own?"

"I realize my options are limited but, I won't be alone when I return. There is a man I believe I can trust. He saved my life but he was taken captive by the Mitanni. I was hoping he might still live."

"If the Mitanni took him alive then it was because they imagined he would be of some value to them."

"Good. Have you any idea where they would have taken him?"

Suhad gaped at him, her tears forgotten completely upon discerning his haphazard intentions for a rescue. "You don't mean to go after him, do you?"

"You know these lands. Can you tell me how to find him?"

"What you're proposing is insanity, Khaten!" she declared with a long-suffering groan.

"As I said before, my options are limited." He ducked his head to pin her with a beseeching stare. "Please...how can I find him?"

She warred with herself for several moments, veering wildly between empathy with his plight and wanting to throttle him for his recklessness. "The king and his army are in one place," Suhad finally revealed with a good degree of reluctance, "So are their prisoners. I can show you where to find them. The journey should take a little more than three days."

Tutankhamun was already shaking his head in refusal before she'd even completed her offer. "No. It's too dangerous for you. And why would you want to accompany me at all? I thought it was your intention to wash your hands of me."

"My intention is not to share your bed and lose what remains of my fragile heart," Suhad clarified flatly, causing Tutankhamun's lips to twitch in amusement, "But you remain my friend, Khaten, and I will always protect you."

"I want to protect you as well, which is why I cannot allow you to accompany me."

Suhad arched a single brow at his phrasing. "Allow me?" she echoed with mild scorn, "Khaten, by now you should recognize that no one 'allows' me to do anything!"

"As your Pharaoh I could command it," he challenged.

She crossed her arms, meeting that challenge. "As my Pharaoh you could try."

"Your constant changes in temperament are making me dizzy, Suhad," Tutankhamun sighed in consternation, "I cannot keep up."

"I want to go with you," she said, "I want to keep you safe. It would be impossible for you to get to the Mitanni stronghold on your own. Only the most privileged of that race know how to get there!"

Tutankhamun rolled his eyes in laughing scorn. "A secret passage through the high desert? It's a myth and I've heard it before."

"It is not a myth!" Suhad declared with a proud lift of her chin, "My grandmother showed it to me when I was a child. No army can travel it, nor any man unless they know where to find water. I can get you there safely. I know where to stop for rest and where to find water. Without me, you will never survive the journey!"

She made a compelling argument, not merely because she promised to get him to the Mitanni camp in three days but because the prospect of spending that three days alone in her company was a welcome one. Tutankhamun was disinclined to say goodbye to her at all and three days might just be enough time for him to convince her that she did not want to say goodbye either. Likely her fervent intentions to stay out of his bed and keep her heart would be rendered moot. And ultimately that was the thing that moved Tutankhamun to refuse her offer. He wanted Suhad to come to him because she wanted him despite the challenges and not because he had seduced her in to doing so.

"No," he said with a firm shake of his head, "I'm going alone."

As he hoisted his supplies more securely onto his shoulder and started to disappear into the night, Suhad cried at his back, "Fight their entire army and die if you wish, or you can choose to trust me, Khaten, and we will walk among them without anyone knowing the difference!"

He turned back to face her slowly. "Do you know what you're offering?" he queried softly, "What about your family? They have already buried one child. Do you imagine they can afford to lose another?"

"You won't allow anything to happen to me."

Tutankhamun gave his consent with a short sigh. "I'll not wait til the morning. We leave now."

"Agreed. Let me grab a few things."

They traveled for hours, stopping briefly along the way to secure a camel for the journey. They walked until shortly after the break of dawn talking of nothing and everything along the way. Suhad spoke of her family and, particularly her brother's premature death and how the priests had used that tragedy in order to bilk more tribute from her family. "When they dared to imply that my brother had been killed because we had not been generous enough in our contributions to the temple...that is when I lost my faith. I prayed and prayed to the gods for my brother to live but, they did not answer. I doubt that they will ever answer."

Tutankhamun reached out across the space between them to grab hold of her hand and give her fingers a heartening squeeze. "I believe you will find your faith again, Suhad."

She favored him with a soft smile. "I think I already have...but not in the gods. I've put all my faith in you."

Now that there were no longer any secrets existing between them Tutankhamun also felt free to share with her the stories of his childhood and the isolation and fear he'd felt upon becoming ruler of Egypt at such a young age. "In many ways, my sister, Ankhesenamun was a grounding force for me. We protected one another. She was the only one who could truly understand the burden that had been foisted upon me."

"And she is your sister...and your wife?"

"That is the way it has been done in my family for generations...to keep our bloodlines pure. Even my own parents were half siblings. But I have never loved Ankhesenamun as a man loves a woman. She is my sister and I know that I must consummate my duty towards her, but... That part of our relationship has always been rather...complicated."

"Because she is your sister and you must love her as a wife?"

"Because, in the eyes of our ancestors, she is my wife and our sibling bond is of no consequence. It might well not exist at all beyond the purity of our bloodline, " he clarified, "I am expected to honor her as a husband would a wife even as I continue to feel for her as a brother would a sister. It can be a confusing contradiction and Ankhesenamun has struggled with it just as much as I."

Suhad digested all that he had confided in her with a small, uncomfortable nod. "I can imagine."

He appraised her with a sideways glance, astutely recognizing what she had let unspoken. "You don't approve."

"I find the circumstances to be...ah...somewhat disconcerting and I don't fully understand why such matters are conducted in the manner they are, especially when it causes such unhappiness for those involved, however... It's not for me to approve or disapprove," she said, "I know that, were it within your power to make a different choice, you would have made it."

Impulsively, he pressed a grateful kiss to her temple. "Thank you."

Suhad squinted at him in confusion. "For what?"

"For understanding what drives my actions even when I don't fully understand myself," he told her simply, "For being my friend."

As noon approached they made the mutual decision to stop and take a rest from the oppressive heat that was beginning to descend across the desert plain. After finding shade beneath a wing shaped crag, Tutankhamun and Suhad tied down their camel and enjoyed a simple lunch of bread and water before scooting down into the shade for a short nap. They lay down facing one another, bodies curled towards each other and fell asleep.

When Tutankhamun awakened some hours later dusk was approaching and Suhad was no longer sleeping alongside him. Instead, she lay nestled against his flank, her arm resting against his chest and her cheek pillowed against his shoulder. She was thoroughly wrapped around him, her leg was thrown across his groin, the bend of her knee nestled perfectly against his genitals. To Tutankhamun's everlasting aggravation, almost the instant he became aware of her proximity, his body began to respond.

He was suddenly acutely aware of the soft swells and hollows of her body that were pressed against him, the moist warmth of her breath stirring against his throat and especially how much he ached to touch her in that moment. Never in his entire life could he remember ever having to exercise such self control in regards to the carnal pleasures. The women of his harem had always been eager to please him and they had welcomed his interest. But Suhad was no harem girl. She was his heart and he didn't want to offend her, was deathly afraid of committing any action that might permanently alienate her.

As much as he wanted her in that moment, as easy as it would have been to shift into her body and kiss her breathless, Tutankhamun resisted the desire. He lay there, his body rigid and damp with perspiration, fists clenched tightly at his sides as he silently willed the lower portion of his body into flaccidity with the most repulsive musings that he could contemplate. He thought he might actually win the battle until Suhad, without warning, shifted against him in her sleep and he was, once again, back to where he'd started. Tutankhamun emitted a muttered curse of dismay in response, causing his unwitting tormentor to stir against him. He held his breath when her eyes fluttered open.

Suhad favored him with a disarmingly sleepy smile. "Hello," she whispered.

"Hello," he whispered back. He couldn't quite keep himself from brushing her wayward curls back from her face. "Did you sleep well?"

She released a small, satisfied moan and nodded against his chest with a languorous stretch, obviously with every intention of returning to slumber. Just as she began to settle back against him and shut her eyes, however, it belatedly dawned on Suhad how intimately they were intertwined. Mortification poured through her like hot acid. She shot upright with a horrified gasp, shoving away from Tutankhamun as if he'd just burst into flames.

"I...I think we might have slept too long," she stammered, unable to meet his eyes as she scrambled to her feet, "We should get moving before we lose the sun. I'll ready the camel!"

Tutankhamun watched her retreat with a mixture of laughter and vexation, wondering wryly if these three days with her, three days that he had wanted so desperately, would kill him.