Chapter Six
He wasn't overly fond of sand dunes. The irritating granules worked their way into the fabric of his shoes and collected between his toes. A most unpleasant feeling which was compounded by the massive amounts of walking he had been doing for the past two days. Which brought him around to his second realization. He didn't particularly enjoy walking either.
Pharaoh Tutankhamun had the misfortune of making both discoveries whilst he traveled on foot over the sloping mounds...miles and miles of them. He and Suhad had spent most of their morning trudging across the shifting sands, their beleaguered camel plodding behind them, in search of a water source to replenish their dwindling stores. Suhad didn't seem to hold any doubts that they would safely navigate their way through the barren terrain that enclosed them on all sides. Tutankhamun didn't quite share her unwavering conviction on that score but he believed in her and that was enough.
The looming threat of thirst, however, was not the foremost worry plaguing him. His plan to liberate Lagus from the Mitanni prison-hold and return to Thebes before Ka could usurp his kingdom entirely was still half formed. Beyond reaching the Mitanni land, he had little idea how he would manage to smuggle Lagus and his men out of there. If he managed to find Lagus and his company alive and if he succeeded in keeping Suhad safe from harm, and if they all managed to escape the Mitanni with their heads, Tutankhamun still didn't know how he was going to deal with Ka once he returned home.
As angry as he was, as embittered as he was, he still had love for the man. He couldn't think of Ka without hurt and betrayal bubbling forth in his heart anew. But he also couldn't negate the loyalty and friendship Ka had shown him in the past. Tutankhamun knew that his options were limited and, when he finally did face Ka again, he would likely have to kill him. There was the part of him that welcomed the idea, that was steeped in pure rage over what Ka had done to him but there was also the part of him that grief so deeply he felt sick with it, that simply yearned to know, "Why?"
It was little wonder then, given the emotional burden he carried in his heart at all times and the physical duress he was currently under, that Tutankhamun found himself tiring quickly in the desert's rising heat. While Suhad seemed to push on without wavering, he felt as if his knees were turning to jelly beneath him. With each step he took, he feared that his legs might give out beneath him. But he never complained or asked her to stop. He ignored his body's increasing demands for respite because he recognized very clearly what was at stake...his kingdom and his people.
As if she could had discerned that he was very near exhaustion and pushing himself in spite of it, Suhad appraised him with a knowing, sideways smile. "We can take a rest if you need it."
"Why?"
"You're beginning to stumble. Let's take a break."
Grateful for the reprieve, Tutankhamun didn't even bother protesting her decision to stop and, instead, folded himself down onto the dunes. He swiped an arm across his perspiring brow, eyeing the water skins that hung below the camel's flank with longing. However, he resolutely shook his head when Suhad offered him water from those very jugs.
"No. We should ration what we have...just in case."
"You'll lose water quickly in this heat. You need to drink something."
"I will but not now. I shall remain prudent if that pleases you."
"Suit yourself." Suhad lifted her shoulders in a dismissive shrug and grunted a tiny laugh before taking a small draught from the water-skin before recapping it. She bit back an amused smile as Tutankhamun's warning look. She reached over to nudge him playfully. "Come now, don't look so sour. I have gotten us this far. We will find water. Have you so little faith in me, my lord?"
His intention to answer her question was hopelessly derailed by her rather uncustomary use of "my lord." Once she did that, that was all Tutankhamun registered. He regarded her with a crooked smile. "'My lord?'" he echoed archly, "So I am your 'lord' now, am I? When did this particular development occur?"
She ducked her head with a shy smile. "You are my Pharaoh, are you not?"
"You once told me that the Pharaoh was of no consequence to you."
Suhad dared to glance at him then, not surprised to find him watching her in that intent manner that he often did, as if he could see beyond the barrier of clothing, even past sinew and bone and straight into the depths her pounding heart. "That was before I learned he had eyes such as yours," she murmured in reply, "Besides, I've the prerogative to change my mind."
He dropped his eyes to her lips briefly in unspoken implication. "And what does that mean?"
"It means that I can think of far worse things than having you as my lord."
Rather than causing him to smile, her light teasing caused a pensive frown to crease his brow. All traces of amusement gradually faded from Tutankhamun's features as he regarded her. "What are we doing, Suhad?"
She deliberately misunderstood the question. "Traveling, I thought," she replied lightly.
"You know what I'm asking."
The restrained frustration she detected in his tone had her dropping all pretense with him. "I do know what you're asking, but I do not have a ready answer for you."
"The answer is clear...I want you. Be with me."
"And then what? Shall you take me back to Thebes with you and make a place for me in your palace? Spend your life with me? Love me for an eternity?"
Although he knew she was being facetious, Tutankhamun didn't hesitate a moment in his answer. "Yes...to all of it." Suhad faltered under his unswerving sincerity. "Why do I suspect that is precisely what causes you the most distress?" he discerned softly.
"Your place is in Thebes. My place is in Amurru," she recited, as if she meant to convince herself as well as him, "You were born to royal blood and I was not. We were never meant to meet...never meant to fall in love..."
"...and yet we did," he finished for her, "We did, Suhad. And we cannot go back. My heart is set upon you and I cannot change it. I don't want to. Do you wish to change yours?"
"I don't know!" she burst out a little wildly, "I don't know how you can be so certain all the time! It's quite vexing!"
Tutankhamun snorted a humorless laugh. "My love, you are the only thing of which I am certain. Who I am and what my future as pharaoh will be, I haven't a clue! I have been entrusted with an abundance of power, bestowed upon me by the gods, to lead my people, to further Egypt's unmatched glory...and I don't have the slightest idea how to go about doing that!" He dropped his head forward with a defeated sigh. "You're wrong, Suhad. I'm anything but certain."
He found the wherewithal to look at her again only when she lifted her hand to cradle his cheek. "You will be a great pharaoh," she declared tenderly, "Exactly what our people need. You've already set off on that path, Tutankhamun. You have only to believe in yourself." She leaned into him, sensing his need for comfort then and putting aside her own misgivings at having him so near. At the first touch of her forehead against his, Tutankhamun released a shuddering sigh.
"I knew..." he confessed in broken regret, "I knew of all of it...how the priests were taking advantage of the people and I knew the Mitanni were pillaging our borders, continually encroaching upon our lands. I even knew that Ka and Ankhesenamun were involved behind my back.
"But all of that seemed so small in comparison to the responsibility I had before me, to produce an heir in my father's name, to ensure that the purity of our bloodline continued.
"And then I ventured outside of the palace walls, something I had never done before," he continued hoarsely, "and I saw how my people lived, how they were oppressed and vulnerable and left unprotected. I learned firsthand how the people viewed their pharaoh...and I didn't like the knowledge I had gained. I had a responsibility to my people that I left ignored for so long that I'm not sure I can now undo the damage that has been done. I want to be remembered as a great pharaoh in my people's eyes but, how can I expect such a distinction when I've done so little to merit it?"
Tutankhamun didn't even realize he was weeping until Suhad began gently kissing away the tears that clung to his eyelashes. "Your rule is yet in its infancy, my king. You have the time ahead of you to accomplish all you set out to do. A great pharaoh is not without his flaws," she told him, "but he recognizes them and strives to better himself. No matter what they tell you, Khaten, you are not a god...not yet. You are a man and you have a man's limitations. Your people don't expect perfection and, most certainly we do not need the counterfeit 'protection' the priests can offer us. We want to know that we matter to our pharaoh. That he will love us. That he will fight for us. That is all your people expect of you. That is all we require." She pressed a fervent kiss across the ridge of his cheekbone. "It is all I require."
Those sweet words of reassurance were his undoing and Tutankhamun found himself unable to stamp own the desire to kiss her any longer. The first touch of his lips was little more than an exchange of breath and yet it left Suhad gasping in surprise and rearing back from him. Tutankhamun expected it would end there and that she would run from him as she always did. Instead, Suhad emitted a small yearning sound and pressed her mouth to his once more, sighing in contentment when Tutankhamun began tentatively returning her kiss.
He nibbled at her lips indolently, familiarizing himself with their soft contours. Each tiny moan she made in response thrilled him, inflamed him with the need to deepen the kiss. Their breathing became increasingly labored as they angled closer together, rising upon their knees to coast their hands over one another in darting exploration. It was only when Tutankhamun dared to bring Suhad's body flush against him, his hands slipping low to cup her to him when he slipped his tongue into the warm interior of her mouth that Suhad abruptly ended the kiss.
She shot to her feet swiftly, visibly flustered by how quickly things had escalated between them. "I think that's enough for now," she announced shakily.
Tutankhamun stared after her in a daze, his lips still tingling with the memory of her taste. "It is?"
Somehow, she managed to suppress her giggle at his pouting expression. "I'm afraid so. We should get a move on while we yet have the sun."
She bent down to retrieve their scattered supplies only to be caught off guard by his sudden closeness when she straightened. Before she could question his intentions, Tutankhamun gently cupped her face in his hands and sealed his lips to hers once more. She whimpered into his mouth, her slim fingers bunching into the coarse material of his outer robes as he kissed her with a demanding hunger that would not be denied. When he finally broke the kiss some moments later they were both panting and shaken. Suhad stared up at him with glassy eyes.
"Now we can go," he managed hoarsely.
They walked on together in relative companionable silence for a portion of the afternoon. At some junctures, they would walk side by side with the camel trailing behind them, discreetly holding hands and exchanging shy giggles over the ridiculous thrill such innocent touches gave them. At other times, Suhad would ride on the camel's back while Tutankhamun followed her verbal directions and guided them over the sparse terrain. As it became later in the day, the two young lovers decided to ride together, with Suhad's back nestled against the solid warmth of his chest and his arms encircling her waist.
It was near dusk when they reached the pyramids. Tutankhamun dismounted from the camel's back and then assisted Suhad down from her perch as well. Hand in hand, they trudged up the rocky ridge together in order to gain a better view of the gleaming pyramids which stretched across the valley below. For a moment, the two of them could only stand together in the mellow glow of the setting sun and regard those ancient landmarks with silent awe.
"The pyramids have survived for thousands of years..." Tutankhamun murmured in reverential amazement.
"Nowhere else are they equaled," Suhad agreed.
"And our people built these wonders with their own hands," he whispered, giving her fingers a light squeeze, "Our ancestors, Suhad...yours and mine."
She knew the point that he was trying to make, that they weren't so different after all despite their opposing stations in life. However, that wasn't an argument she wanted to have with him again, not when they'd enjoyed such a perfect day. Consequently, she made a mental decision to table the discussion and smoothly segued into another subject altogether.
"We'll find water down there," she told him, "and shelter for the night."
Unfortunately, Tutankhamun would not yield to her tacit efforts to avoid conflict. He blocked her path when she would have turned aside to retrieve the camel. "Why are you so determined to believe we cannot work? Hasn't our time together today proved otherwise?"
"Yes...that there is love between us and passion..."
"...and what else is there?"
"Duty," she expressed flatly, "Your duty and we cannot ignore it."
"That is not what I'm proposing. I can still fulfill my obligations and be with you."
"Why me?" she demanded suddenly, "There must be a number of women from which you can choose! Why me?"
"Because you've given me what no one else has...clarity," he told her fervidly, "For years I have prayed to the gods for the wisdom and insight to lead my people and I finally found that when I met you. You see, you are wrong about the gods, Suhad...they do answer."
When he started to close the space between them, Suhad was ready to receive his kiss. She turned her face up to his, her lips parting slightly as he pressed his mouth to hers. She didn't have any true awareness of how long they stood there, kissing one another as if they believed it would be the last one they ever shared. It was as if everything in her world had reduced to a point where nothing existed beyond Tutankhamun's lips and hands and his intoxicating moans of bliss. When they finally parted again the sun had completely disappeared from the horizon and the desert chill was already beginning to descend with the purple sky.
Suhad stumbled back a step and cleared her throat, her body continuing to tingle even with the small bit of distance between them. "Come. We should make the fire and set up our camp for the night."
For the next hour, while Suhad preoccupied herself with starting the fire and gathering water for the next day's journey, Tutankhamun took the bow and arrow they had procured for their trip and set off into the night in search of meat. As Suhad lingered by the fire and awaited his return, the easy domesticity of their situation struck her profoundly. Without even really being aware of it, they had fallen into the traditional roles of husband and wife, operating as a marital unit. Tutankhamun had even dropped a farewell kiss on her lips before setting off on his hunt. And she, even now, waited for him dutifully to return like any wife would her husband. She liked that dynamic between them...a little too much.
Out in the desert when it was only the two of them and his kingship was more formality than reality, it was easy to get caught up in the cocoon they had created for themselves. It was easy to pretend that they were an ordinary couple on an ordinary trip together who shared an extraordinary love. The reality, however, was impossible to ignore. Suhad knew that once he found Lagus and his men everything would change between them. How could it not? He would return to Thebes and his kingdom and she would go back home to Amurru and it would be as if they had never loved one another at all.
Suhad lamented that fact in her heart even as she came to resolute terms with it. And then, she abruptly decided that she did not care. No, the situation was not ideal and yes, she recognized that she would likely be left ripped to emotional pieces by the end of it but...she didn't care. She was determined not to allow doubts and misgivings to dominate her actions any longer, not if it meant denying him and denying herself. If she was only to have Tutankhamun in her life for a short time then she would have him, she would enjoy him, she would love him with everything she possessed in her soul...and then, if she had to, she would let him go. He was worth whatever devastation that would come after he left her life. He was worth everything.
She came to her decision only moments before Tutankhamun returned to their camp empty-handed. Suhad startled sharply as he unexpectedly materialized out of the dense darkness and threw aside his bow in disgust. He dropped down beside her with a heavy groan of consternation.
"No luck?" she ventured, caught between sympathy and laughter.
He stared into the fire with a pouting expression. "I do better in the daylight."
"It will be fine. We have some bread and a little grain. We'll manage."
"We were supposed to have meat. A fine provider I make," Tutankhamun muttered self-deprecatingly.
"You'll make it up to me in the morning," Suhad replied, "We shall have roasted hare for breakfast. You will see to it."
"You have a great deal more confidence in my hunting skills than I."
"I have more confidence in you than you can possibly imagine." He rewarded that sweet declaration with a tender kiss. "We should eat," she whispered when he continued to linger against her lips, "and then retire for the night."
However, when they finally settled within the confines of their borrowed tent, sleep was the furthest thing from both their minds. They huddled together beneath the blankets, trading leisurely kisses, their bodies shifting closer as the flickering heat of desire ignited between them. Kisses deepened and their caresses became driven by the need to seek out bare skin.
Beyond all thought for the consequences or the soundness of their actions, the young lovers gave into their passion for one another, eagerly peeling away their layers of clothing in order to touch and taste one another, lips and tongues meandering in tentative exploration. They crushed their lips together again and again, their hips undulating together in a primal, ancient rhythm, hands tensing, fingers curling into flesh in the desperate need to be closer, to go deeper, to become one in every sense. His harsh breathing and her piercing cries of pleasure mingled in a dissonant harmony that filled the billowing confines of the tent before echoing out over the craggy, desert plains.
When it was done, Tutankhamun gathered Suhad to him and spooned her body, lifting his head to drop a tired kiss on her shoulder. She snuggled closer against him in response but did not turn to meet his eyes. He nuzzled against her ear, feeling more contented than he ever had in his life because, right then, nestled in Suhad's warmth, he had everything he could ever want...an ironic sentiment given the fact that he was without home and kingdom at the moment.
He listened to the humming moans of happiness that escaped her throat as he drew his fingers up and down the length of her arm. He knew she was pleased by his touch but he also recognized that the pleasure he gave her would only serve as a temporary distraction from the uncertainty that continued to loom over them. As much as he wanted to remain in that moment with her, he could feel the self-doubts begin to creep in and he couldn't quite crowd part of himself that feared Suhad count this profound act between them as a mistake.
"Do you regret this...being with me tonight?"
She brushed a kiss across the bicep that was pillowed beneath her cheek. "No, I don't." Suhad felt him relax behind her and then angled a tentative glance of her own up at him. "And you? Do you have regrets?"
Tutankhamun grinned at her. "Not in the least. I have wanted this with you for some time now. It was everything that I thought it would be and yet nothing like I imagined at all."
Suhad bit her lip in reservation. "And that's good?"
"That's wonderful. You are wonderful." He reached out to brush her hair back from her face, his expression sobering slightly as he regarded her beautiful face in the dim moonlight. "I was the first."
That incredible instant when he had breached her body had been a shock for them both and for a multitude of reasons. For Suhad, she had not quite expected that initial burn or the ache that it would cause. She had been overwhelmed by how innately connected she felt to him in that moment, filled with wonder at the realization that he was actually inside of her...he was a part of her.
For Tutankhamun, he had never suspected that he would be her first experience, never imagined that a village girl from Amurru could feel make him feel so vulnerable, so cherished...and so very privileged and all because she had chosen him. She had wanted him. In that instant, he had recognized fully the gift he had been given and he had set out to express his gratitude to Suhad in every possible way he could, by worshiping her body with his own.
"Yes, you were the first," she confirmed quietly, surprised by the sudden lump of acrid tears that rose in her throat, "And I was not."
He nuzzled a light kiss across her hairline. "You are the first in my heart, Suhad. And you will be the last."
Unable to mask her happiness at his answer, Suhad brought him closer for a soft kiss before shifting back around in the circle of his arms with a drowsy sigh of contentment. "As will you."