Chapter Twelve

From her perch in the windowsill of her bedchamber, Suhad watched Tutankhamun as he walked about in the courtyard below escorted by his vizier Ay with a mixture of love, despondency and longing. It had been eight weeks since she had come to Thebes and the stay there had been much like she had expected. She had allowed her happiness over the prospect of spending more time with Tutankhamun crowd out the nagging doubts that lingered. However, as time wore on, Suhad was beginning to see the challenges that clearly loomed before them.

In the very beginning, Suhad had been so taken with watching him become the pharaoh that she knew he wanted to be, the one she had always known he'd become, that nothing else had mattered. Naturally then, her love for him, which already felt all-consuming, only deepened all the more. For those first two weeks after Tutankhamun had reclaimed his rightful place as Pharaoh, all had seemed nearly perfect. She had not held his undivided attention, of course, and she hadn't expected that. It was enough to know that she occupied most of his thoughts. In those early days, it was abundantly clear that he was so distracted by the excitement of being with her that he paid attention to little else. Vizier Ay had chastised him again and again for his lack of focus.

But then, eventually, the duties that were entrusted to him as Pharaoh of Egypt gradually began to crowd out the time they had to spend together. If he was not dealing with the unrest that had stirred up with General Horemheb's impending execution then he was preoccupied with the Mitanni's continued encroachment on the Egyptian border and the growing support they were gaining from surrounding nations who coveted the Nile just as they did. That fact only further tied his hands when it came to seeing Horemheb executed for his treason. There was also news of an illness that was spreading throughout the rural villages of Egypt and decimating the populations there.

Tutankhamun had an overwhelming amount of responsibility with which to contend. Suhad was not ignorant of his struggles and she empathized with him. Still, she could not pretend that it didn't crush her a little when, what little time she did have with him, was stolen away by his vizier or his advisors whenever some new crisis developed. She was progressively coming to feel very isolated and alone, a fact that she kept from Tutankhamun. Because the times they had to be alone had become so few and far between, Suhad was absolutely determined not to disrupt the atmosphere between them with negativity. So, she suffered in silence, which only exacerbated her growing despair.

To further add insult to injury, when he was away from her attending to royal matters, Tutankhamun often spent that time in Ankhesenamun's company. While Suhad understood that their proximity was necessitated by their mutual interests in kingdom affairs, it still galled her that Ankhesenamun had the opportunity to see Tutankhamun more than she did. Further galling was the insidious suspicion she held that the queen was more than aware of her feelings on the matter and did her utmost to worsen them.

In all that time she had been in the palace, Suhad had never spoken to the queen directly. They had seen one another mostly in passing without any direct exchange between them. However, Suhad was acutely aware of the other woman's presence just as she was sure Ankhesenamun was acutely aware of her own. It was inevitable that circumstances would become awkward and tense while they were both seeking to lay claim to the same man.

Unbeknownst to Tutankhamun, Suhad often watched his interactions with his sister from afar in an attempt to understand the strange connection between them. While he was very formal with her and, oftentimes, coolly reserved, Ankhesenamun, who inexplicably had decided to forgive him for Ka's death, was not at all hesitant in her interactions. She had no qualms about touching his face and neck or trailing her fingers across his collarbone in a decidedly intimate fashion.

From Suhad's perspective, it wasn't at all the way a sister would touch a brother. Yet, when she voiced her concerns to Tutankhamun he seemed rather dismissive of it. According to him, Ankhesenamun had grown accustomed to a certain level of intimacy between them and that was the reason she behaved as she did, not because she desired him. And, he had added, even if she did, he did not return those feelings. Suhad was the only woman he wanted.

Despite his reassurance, Suhad was not convinced that the queen's actions didn't lack some ulterior motive. Her woman's intuition told her that Ankhesenamun was being purposely manipulative. Suhad did not like how familiar Ankhesenamun was with him. She didn't like how the queen touched him or looked at him with that possessive manner she had. And Suhad knew with absolute certainty, though she had no concrete proof, that the queen behaved as she did deliberately, as if to send the message to Suhad that Tutankhamun was hers and that he would always be hers.

Suhad's belly heaved and pitched with the thought and she scooted closer to the brass chamber-pot she kept at her hip just in case she lost her breakfast. She hovered over the container, taking deep, gulping breaths as she waited for the waves of nausea to pass. Only when she was absolutely sure she would not vomit, did Suhad wilt back against the windowsill, her slender frame shaking all over. She closed her eyes with an exhausted sigh, finally ready to tackle the unavoidable probability that she had been denying for days now.

She had not menstruated since before she found Tutankhamun in the riverbed. The expectation had been that it would come shortly after they arrived in Thebes but that first month had passed with nothing. At the time, Suhad hadn't been particularly alarmed. Her life was in a constant flux. She wasn't eating and sleeping properly due, at first, to her preoccupation with Tutankhamun and later to mounting stress. Suhad was well aware that all of those factors could affect the regularity of her menses and so, happy with a reprieve from the bloating and cramping, she had fully expected an appearance the following month.

It had not come, but the constant nausea had. At first, she'd merely felt queasy before breakfast and then it was after breakfast and with the mid-day meal and then with supper too. She was nauseated when she ate and when she did not eat. In addition to that, she was inexplicably hungry all the time, constantly swinging between stuffing herself and then regurgitating after.

There were other things, in addition to her lack of menstruation, that Suhad noted as well. The heavy lethargy she felt throughout the day even when she had done nothing to warrant it. The newfound keenness to her sense of smell. The swollen sensitivity of her breasts. The darkening line that extended down from her sternum to just above her pubic bone. Suhad had assisted her mother as a mid-wife in several of the births within her village. She knew what it all meant.

She was going to have a child.

The realization should have made her happy and, on some level, it truly did. She and Tutankhamun had created a life together out of the love they shared. It was a profound realization and it made her feel even closer to him. Unfortunately, it also raised dozens of questions to which Suhad did not have the answers.

Tutankhamun was Pharaoh and she was of common blood. What would be her child's place within his world, if there was even a place for him or her at all? Would Tutankhamun even acknowledge their child as his heir? She knew that he had said that he wanted to marry her but she knew that would never change how those within the palace viewed her...as little more than the pharaoh's village whore. Suhad feared what impact that stigma could have on her child's future. Would her son or daughter be treated as the secret, half-breed bastard of the pharaoh among the very people who should be counted as family? Would she and Tutankhamun even be able to raise their child together? Suhad didn't know and it was those variable unknowns that caused her the most anxiety.

Feeling even more lost and defeated than she had at the onset, Suhad slid down from the windowsill and trudged over to her bed, curling herself into a ball directly in the center of it. She didn't know what she was going to do. She couldn't even bring herself to tell Tutankhamun. She convinced herself it was because he was already burdened with enough anxiety and she did not want to add to it. But, the truth of it was, she feared his rejection...not of her, but of their child. That was simply a prospect Suhad could not bear. She fell into a fitful sleep, still agonizing over how to proceed.

She found herself awakened a short time later by the sensation of soft, lingering kisses trailing down her arm. Her mouth curved with a faint, contented smile. She didn't need to open her eyes to confirm Tutankhamun's presence. She knew his touch well enough. Besides that, no one else would have been so bold as to enter her bedchamber. When her eyes finally did flutter open Suhad was not surprised to be greeting with his beaming countenance. To be presented with such a disarming smile made her heart literally ache in her chest.

As she had been doing for the last two hours, Suhad vacillated between telling him about her pregnancy then and holding her tongue altogether. In the end, she held her tongue and tried to assuage her guilt by offering him a sweet kiss. Tutankhamun rested his forehead against hers with a happy sigh.

"Good afternoon, my love," he murmured fondly, "How are you feeling? Did you sleep well?"

His greeting had Suhad shifting completely upright, her brows knitting in a confused scowl. "Afternoon?" she echoed, "I didn't sleep away the entire morning, did I?"

"I'm afraid you did. According to the servants, you haven't left your chambers since last night and you've been ill for the last few days."

Suhad fixed him with a narrowed look. "Are you commissioning them to spy on me? I hadn't realized they reported my every move to you."

"It's not like that at all," he protested, easily smoothing past her rising ire, "I want to make sure that you're safe when I cannot be with you."

"Why wouldn't I be safe?" she wondered glumly, "I'm of no consequence to anyone here...except you."

"Is that why you've kept yourself shut away in here the better part of the day?"

"I'm very aware of what they say about me out there, Khaten," she muttered self-deprecatingly, "I simply wasn't in the mood to subject myself to it today."

"I will speak to them," he decreed, his jaw tightening, "I won't have you feel unwelcome here."

"Please do not intervene!" Suhad cried as if she feared his intention was to hop from the bed that very instant and make it so. "I have no desire to have phony consideration paid to me simply because the Pharaoh commanded it. If these people are to come to accept me then I want them to so do because I have earned it and not because you made them."

"It is not right that you should feel as an outcast, Suhad."

"Isn't it?" she countered wryly. "I told you when we first met that I could never been seen as a true Egyptian and I was right. I am the enemy here."

"No. You said that the pharaoh would never see you as a true Egyptian and you were wrong," he told her firmly, "The fact is the pharaoh can think of few Egyptians who are more loyal than you."

Suhad flopped back into the bed with a dramatic sigh. "Perhaps that is because the pharaoh is being driven by...ah...other motivations that typically involve he and his loyal subject wrapped in each other's arms while usually in a state of undress," she replied dryly.

Tutankhamun compressed his lips to keep from smiling at her. "You know it's more than that." When she merely grunted in response, he nudged against her hip with his hand. "Come now. Rise up. You need fresh air and sunshine to help you clear away all of this gloom!"

In answer, Suhad flipped over onto her stomach and buried her face in the soft mattress. "And what good will that accomplish?" she wondered, her words so muffled that he could barely understand her.

"Suhad, you need to expose yourself to something more than just these walls. It's not healthy," he whispered against her ear. And when her continued silence indicated stubborn refusal, he added in a cajoling tone, "Please, my love...come take a walk through the gardens with me."

Suhad was reluctant to admit that Tutankhamun had been right about exposing herself to fresh air and sunshine. Almost the instant she stepped out into the palace gardens with him she could feel the thick cloud of gloom that had descended upon her over the last week begin to lift. The change of venue did much to brighten her spirits but Tutankhamun's presence also played a large part in her improved mood. Her situation never looked quite as bleak when they were together.

They walked along together hand in hand while Tutankhamun told her the history behind each piece of architecture and monument they passed. Neither of them were aware of Ankhesenamun keenly watching their casual stroll from her private balcony. Suhad lay her head against Tutankhamun's shoulder, content in those moments simply to listen to him speak.

"One day," he remarked, "if I am deserving, perhaps my likeness might be found here among my ancestors as a testimony to my rule."

"Is that what you and Vizier Ay were discussing so intently earlier today?"

Tutankhamun angled an amused smile down at her. "Oh, so now which of us is being the spy?" he teased.

Suhad buried her face in his shoulder with a sputtered laugh. "I...I wasn't spying! I just happened to see you as I was standing at my window!"

He tsked at her. "The stories you tell, my love. Come now, don't be coy. It's perfectly natural that thoughts of me should consume your waking hours."

"With a head so large, it's quite amazing that it doesn't roll about precariously on your shoulders and that you manage to keep it perched just so."

Tutankhamun chuckled at her tart rebuttal but found himself sobering much too soon when he contemplated exactly what he and Ay had discussed that morning. Immediately detecting the shift in his mood, Suhad peered up at him anxiously. "What is it?"

"The illness that everyone has been speaking of...it is spreading across the country unchecked," he explained grimly, "I've already quarantined those in the army who have succumbed to the sickness and restricted them to the barracks. However, there is a very real danger of this disease running rampant in Thebes if we do not intervene further. Ay believes that we should restrict access to the city."

"What does that mean?"

"It means, until this illness resolves itself, no one will be permitted to enter or leave Thebes without my express permission. And those who are granted permission will be screened and quarantined for several weeks before being allowed to pass beyond the gates."

"Is that really necessary?"

"My people live in very close quarters here. Were this illness to become unchecked in Thebes, it would be nothing short of devastating."

"But what of those who must trade in Thebes?" Suhad wondered, "For some, this is the only place they can find the goods they need to survive."

"I know that," Tutankhamun acknowledged, "But it cannot be helped. I must think about the inhabitants of this city first, Suhad."

"Of course, I understand," she mumbled in a tone that sadly indicated she did not.

"Your parents are well, if that is your primary concern," he reassured her. She jerked a sharp glance of surprise at him. "I sent word of your whereabouts to them weeks ago. They know that you are safe here and being well cared for."

"Yes...as the pharaoh's mistress. How my father must be brimming with pride."

He stopped short at the embittered sarcasm in her tone and pivoted to face her with a deep scowl, giving Suhad little choice but to stop as well. "Why must you continually trivialize what I feel for you?"

"I'm not doing that! But that is the reality of our situation, is it not? I share your bed while you are married to another! I am, for all intents, your lover and nothing more!"

"No, you are not!" he insisted fiercely, "I did not bring you here to only to share my bed, Suhad! I thought you knew that. I intend to make you my wife."

"And what of the queen? Am I to pretend that she does not exist?"

"A Pharaoh may have as many wives as he chooses."

Suhad folded her arms in implicit disapproval, her lips compressed in a tight line. "Oh, so you intend to build a collection, do you?"

Tutankhamun smiled as the reason for her salty disposition suddenly dawned on him. "Are you jealous?"

"No, of course not!" Suhad burst out quickly, only to quickly amend her statement with the truth, "I mean...yes!" and then to backpedal again by adding in a suffocated tone, "I don't...well...perhaps a bit."

He swept her hands up in a light grasp and brought them to his lips. "There is no reason for jealousy, my love. You are the only one who claims my heart."

"I wish that were reassurance enough. Sometimes I'm uncertain of my place here," Suhad confessed, "as if it doesn't exist at all and I'm again and again trying to wedge myself into a space that was not meant for me. I do not wish to be a burden to you but, I do not wish to be forgotten either."

"I have not forgotten you. No matter how busy my days become, you are what dominates my thoughts," he said, "When it feels at times that my kingdom is on the verge of collapse, you are the one who keeps me sane, Suhad. I could not survive here without your presence.

"I know I have placed you in a difficult position but, you are here because I cannot bear to be apart from you. You have healed more than just my wounds. You've healed my heart. I want to spend the remainder of my life with you."

"And the fact that I am part Mitanni?" she wondered, "Does this not matter to you at all?"

"You are Egyptian."

"That is not how they see me here," Suhad muttered, "That is not what they say about me." Tutankhamun remained silent, recognizing that there was little he could say to comfort her, not when he well knew the truth in her words despite his arguments. "When we were in the desert together, none of that mattered. We were neither Egyptian nor Mitanni. Now every interaction you have with me is judged suspiciously because I am seen as the enemy."

"I don't care what others think of us."

"You do," Suhad countered, "Or, at least, you should. You cannot even execute General Horemheb, a man who left you to die, because there is too much speculation on whether or not I am influencing you to do it so as to serve as an advantage to the Mitanni!"

While he was shocked that she had somehow discerned the argument that had been circulating among his advisers for weeks now, Tutankhamun still made every effort to minimize the implication because he did not want Suhad blaming herself. "General Horemheb is very popular among the people," he told her, "And there is much doubt that I can defeat the Mitanni without his leadership. There are many factors involved in his stay of execution."

"But I am one of them," Suhad concluded astutely.

Though he was reluctant to confirm her suspicions, Tutankhamun was also equally reluctant to lie to her. "Yes. However," he added quickly before she could jump on the argument, "it is an unfounded accusation and eventually my advisers and my court will realize that."

"You mean just as the queen realized that you were right to kill Ka?" The words tumbled from Suhad's lips before she could stop them and, once voice aloud, they could not be unsaid.

Tutankhamun stumbled back a step. "Does it trouble you that she forgave me?"

"I think it's convenient. You told me that she loved him for years and that they carried on an affair behind your back. For her to become reconciled to his death so quickly, when it was by your hand, seems...suspect."

Tutankhamun shook his head at the implication. "Ankhesenamun is not the woman you believe her to be. You misjudge her and assign her ulterior motives where there is no cause."

"And you constantly defend her," she countered swiftly, "You share a bond with her that I cannot begin to understand. That is what troubles me."

"She is my sister. We share the same blood."

"She is your wife," Suhad emphasized, "and I can no longer pretend that it does not matter!"

"You are the one who encouraged me to give her the benefit of the doubt!" he reminded her, "And now you condemn me because I do?"

"You're right!" she flung out in tearful frustration, "Then I have only myself to blame!"

Tutankhamun deflated at the retort, saddened and resigned at the knowledge that he would likely be unable to make her agreeable to the situation. "Suhad, I am bound to my life here," he explained gently, "My customs, my people, my duty and yes...to the Queen as well. This is who I am and I cannot change it. I want to give you this world. I want to share it with you, but I will not force you to take it. The choice must be yours, my love."

"There is no choice! I lost my ability to choose the moment I fell in love with you," Suhad replied, "and now I am as bound to you as you are to her."

"So where does that leave us?" Tutankhamun asked, "We seem to always come right back to this same place and without ever having gained answers."

"I don't know. But I do know that I'm not happy without you and wherever you are is where I want to be also. So, if this is the only choice before me, then this is how it must be."

He gathered her into his arms then, relief washing through him with her reply. "You are meant to be here, Suhad," he whispered as she clung to him, "That was ordained from the moment we met. No matter how bound I am to my duty, you will always be first in my heart."