Chapter Fifteen

Suhad studied her nude form in the polished metal that lay propped against the wall in the corner of her bedchamber. Her body had undergone many changes in the last few weeks, though many of those changes remained undetected while she was clothed. Her hair had grown thicker and longer and her skin had acquired a healthy shine. After weeks of misery, her constant nausea was finally starting to abate as well and her appetite had become increasingly voracious.

And then there were the more subtle changes, the ones of which only she was aware. Suhad smoothed both hands up and down the length of her body, noting each slight difference. She cupped her breasts, testing their growing weight in her hands before drifting lower to explore the slight thickening at her middle. Sometimes, when she was perfectly still, Suhad could swear she could feel a faint flutter there just below her navel. She smiled faintly to herself as she felt it now, her heart swelling with love for the little life that thrived inside of her.

"I'd almost forgotten how beautiful you are." Startled by Tutankhamun's silent entrance, Suhad made a desperate grab for the discarded cloak at her feet and quickly shrugged into it, wrapping it around her naked form. When she felt her modesty was sufficiently protected and that Tutankhamun remained unaware of the true reason for her nervousness, she pinned him with a displeased glare, staunchly ignoring the shuttered look of longing in his dark eyes.

Tutankhamun held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "I did not mean to startle you. I called out your name as I entered," he reassured her gentle, "but, I suppose you did not hear me."

"What do you want?" she asked him tightly.

"To talk," he said, "Is that permissible? Can we talk, Suhad, really talk...something more than polite exchanges?"

She wanted to refuse him but this was the first overture at conversation the two of them had shared in nearly four weeks and, until that moment, Suhad did not realize how starved she had been for real dialogue with him until he requested it. There was that and also the dawning realization that he had been the one to sacrifice humble himself in order to end the stalemate of silence between them. If he could make that step then surely she could meet him halfway. Suhad inclined a small nod of consent at his request and wordlessly invited him to take a seat. Once he had, she took the seat adjacent to his.

"Go on. Speak your mind," she bid him.

"I meant what I said to you before. You look beautiful."

"Please don't say such things to me...not after all that's happened."

"Why not? It's true. When I saw you a moment ago, it felt like I was seeing you that way for the very first time. You and I have become virtual strangers to one another in the past few weeks and it feels like agony. Even your body, which I could have sworn I knew better than my own, seems unfamiliar to me now."

Suhad went rigid with the observation, unable to discern whether he was making a figurative statement or a literal one. "I'm...I'm sorry. What?" she stammered, clutching her robe tighter. She blinked at him in mounting discomfiture. "Wh-Why are we having this discussion at all?"

"Because...I miss you. I miss kissing you and holding you and sleeping next to you at night. I miss the way you smile and your laugh and your practical way of looking at the world. I miss everything about you. That's why."

The unguarded confession had a powerful effect. Those single, candid statement managed to crumble every protective wall Suhad had erected against him, leaving her emotionally defenseless. She lowered her head, her words muffled as she confessed, "I miss you as well."

"Quite honestly, I don't really know why we're odds right now," he murmured in confusion, "I thought we were getting on well and you were happy and then...you stopped talking to me. I have no idea what happened at all."

"It's the same reason that you and I are always at odds," she replied, "This is your world. It is not mine, no matter how much I like pretend otherwise. I don't belong here with you."

"I don't agree."

She tipped back her head with an exasperated smile. "You never do. This is exactly the reason we continue to go round and round about."

"I know that this has been a complicated transition being away from your family and your home and everything that is familiar to you. I'm not ignorant of your sacrifices. In fact, I've been trying sincerely to make it easier for you. Our circumstances are not ideal. That much is true. And we have met with our fair share of challenges lately but, I am not willing to give up, Suhad. Are you?"

"Truthfully? I've been thinking lately that it might be better if I returned to Amurru," she said softly, unaware that she had even been entertaining the consideration until she said it out loud.

That night when he had returned from Ankhesenamun's bed had broken something vital inside of her. Tutankhamun had never made a secret of his need for an heir. Suhad had spent weeks convincing herself that when the time came for him to reestablish his intimate relationship with the queen, she would be ready. She wouldn't like it but she would most certainly find a way to accept it because that was the price one paid for loving the Pharaoh. She hadn't imagined that she would feel so gutted in the aftermath...or so betrayed by him. Even now, it was difficult for her to look at him without remembering that night, though she managed not to hate him virulently as she had in the immediate days following.

"If I leave tomorrow, I can make it back to Amurru in a matter of weeks. That would likely be best," she said. For all her bravado on the matter, however, Suhad hadn't quite worked out the logistics of returning home to her parents pregnant and unmarried. Furthermore, she had so many details to finalize that leaving the following day would be next to impossible.

Tutankhamun, however, had no way of knowing that and therefore he reacted to her plans as if they were already set in stone. "Best for whom?" he demanded, "For you or for me?"

"For us both. You plainly acknowledged it yourself. I miss my home and my family. And recently, it has come to my attention that, no matter how much I want to be with you, there are certain things I cannot accept. I cannot see that ever changing...not with things as they are."

He blinked back the sting of tears that sprang to his eyes with her candid response. "So you're proposing to run away? Can you not give us more time? You haven't even allowed for a period of adjustment!"

"There has been plenty of time. This is obviously not working! I'm trying to spare us further pain," she told him, "If I returned to Amurru, you would have no need to feel constantly pulled between me and your duty to this land and I could spare myself the heartbreak of hoping that you and I could be something more than what we are."

"And what are we, Suhad?"

"Two people who were never meant to love each as we do."

"It's too late to change that now," he whispered, "I don't want you to go. It won't solve anything!"

"And I don't want to go, not if it means leaving you and everything we have between us behind," she countered, "But I don't know what else to do!"

"Don't leave," he reiterated fiercely, "Rail at me. Hate me if you must, but do not leave me."

She swallowed past the acrid lump of tears that rose in her throat. "You're not being fair."

"Then I am in fine company because neither are you! Suhad, you once told me that you did not regret our love even with all the difficulty we faced together. Have your feelings changed so drastically?" She answered with an almost imperceptible shake of her head but that small gesture was enough to encourage Tutankhamun to press onward. "My love, there is nothing in life worthwhile that is not won without blood and sacrifice. Should our love be any different?"

"Sounds more like warfare than love."

"Sometimes love is a battle," he argued, "You must be willing to bleed if you wish to attain victory. The love between us was never easily attained, not even from the start. Why should you expect it now?"

Suhad had no ready answer for that, not because she was unable to answer but because she could not dispute a single word he had spoken. And if the penetrating manner in which Tutankhamun regarded her was any indication, he absolutely knew she couldn't. Suhad clutched her cloak more tightly around her, feeling more exposed to him now than she had when she had been standing naked. "I don't appreciate being bullied," she huffed.

Tutankhamun blew out a short, infuriated breath. "I am not bullying you but, I will not allow you to bury yourself in willful ignorance either! Suhad, if you go back to Amurru now then everything we have endured until this moment is for nothing. Is that really what you want? Is this all you want us to become to one another?"

Each query caused her to shrink back from him, both physically and emotionally. He was asking the right questions but she was nowhere near ready to answer them. Wisely recognizing that pressing the issue further would only cause her to shut down even more, Tutankhamun smoothly switched tactics by choosing a more neutral subject to discuss. "I decreed a new law today."

Grateful for the topic change, Suhad relaxed slightly and responded with restrained interest. "What law is that?"

"I've decided that the people shall no longer be required to pay tribute to the temples," he said, "Any offering they make shall be voluntary on their part and at a time of their choosing. The high priest is to see it implemented throughout all Egypt."

Shock and pride caused Suhad to sit up straighter in her seat. "And how exactly did his holiness receive that news?"

Tutankhamun pursed his lips thoughtfully. "He was not thrilled. I'm quite certain he threatened me with the wrath of the gods and yet..."

"...and yet?"

He smiled. "It felt good. I knew I had acted in the interest of my people and it felt very good."

"Of course it did," Suhad agreed with a proud smile, "You are coming into your own as Pharaoh as I always knew that you would. I have never doubted you."

"I know that," he acknowledged quietly, "Really, it has been your unwavering faith in my abilities which has given me the courage to do things I might not have dared to do otherwise. And I thought, if I could change this one law despite its persistence for generations, then perhaps there are other things that I could change as well."

"What sort of things?"

"My responsibility to bear an heir and with whom. Perhaps it is time that the long held custom of incestuous marriage alliances within my family come to an end." Their eyes collided in a profound stare full of meaningful implication. Suhad said nothing, too timid to speak a word in that moment for fear she had somehow misheard him. Tutankhamun spoke instead. "I have not visited Ankhesenamun since that terrible night, Suhad. I will not go to her again."

Suhad could not ignore the subtext within his declaration. "I've never asked that of you...for you to dismiss hundreds and hundreds of years of your own history on my behalf."

"You should not have to ask. I was wrong to go to her. I lied when I said I didn't go to her to spite you. I did. I was angry and hurt and I wanted to hurt you in return and...I regret that more than I can say."

"Do you see how convoluted this has become?" Suhad burst out with a humorless laugh, briefly covering her face with her hands, "You're actually offering me apologies for lying with your own wife!"

"You are the wife of my heart and I betrayed you. You have the right to be angry."

"I don't want to be angry! I don't want to be hurt! I'm tired, Khaten, and I'm afraid that if I allow myself to hope in us, I'll be disappointed yet again. It would be easier to accept matters as they are because...every time I open my heart to the possibility of us being something more, I am left broken! I don't know if I can survive it again."

"You won't have to. I am going to change things. I want to give this to you, Suhad...and to myself."

"Khaten, I..."

"...If I am to have a son to carry on my legacy," he interjected before she could finish her protest, "then I want to conceive that child with you." She was still trying to gather together her racing thoughts over that incredible declaration when he rose from his seat and stepped forward to press a tender kiss to her forehead. "I will give you time to think about all I have said here today," he murmured, "Come to me when you've decided what you want."

Suhad's first instinct following his departure was to throw together what few belongings she had and flee Thebes immediately. She had already endured more heartbreak than she could possibly imagine. The last thing Suhad wanted to do was to rush headlong into yet more of it. Every inclination she had towards self-preservation screamed that matters would only worsen if she remained. She was terrified that she and Tutankhamun might eventually destroy each other if they didn't somehow find the strength to let go.

But then she remembered his words to her, the question she had left unanswered. The love between us was never easily attained... Why should you expect it now? He had a valid point. When she met him the first time forces beyond their control had sent them careening in opposite directions before they'd even had an opportunity to learn one another's names. They should have never crossed paths again and yet they did. And when she finally did find him again he was literally dying. Following his recovery, there had been secrets and intrigue and constant danger and yet their love had flourished and deepened despite all those challenges.

She knew they had something rare and special. The very fact that they found each other and fell in love was a feat all its own. Was she truly willing to let it go so easily, to run home and hide because she was too afraid to deal with the complications associated with loving the Pharaoh of Egypt? And what did she think would happen once Tutankhamun learned of their child's existence? No force on earth would keep him from her. He would likely chase her to the far reaches of the continent to claim what was his and then they would be right back where they started only then there would be mistrust between them.

Obviously, Tutankhamun was willing to fight for them. Here he was the one with the most to lose and yet he was the one willing to risk everything. Surely she could take a leap of faith as well, particularly when he was in the more difficult position. Although, Tutankhamun credited her with being the one to instill him with courage, it was often his acts of bravery which spurred her into action. They were symbiotic in that way, one another's strength and light, better together than they were apart.

Long before she even realized she had made her decision, Suhad began making the winding trek to his bedchamber, formulating all she wanted to tell him along the way. When the large, ornate doors opened and she stepped inside his inner chamber, the servants attending him immediately dispersed upon her entry. Suhad continued to hover near the entrance as he climbed from his bed, wearing only a sleeveless robe of burnished gold that left very little to the imagination and a loin cloth. Suhad made a concerted effort to keep her eyes trained directly on his face when she spoke.

"So...I've given a great deal of consideration to what we spoke about earlier and I believe you have a point. It hasn't ever been easy for us and that has never deterred me because I've always known that we were worth any sacrifice required and I still thi-,"

She never finished the sentence. One moment she was preparing to lay bare her complete heart to Tutankhamun and the next moment she was being yanked against him for a hungry kiss filled with unadulterated need. She moaned into his mouth and instantly melted against him, grasping at the lapels of his robe to steady herself. His hands seemed to be everywhere at once...tangled in her hair, skimming her back and then sweeping lower to pull her hips against his again and again. He dragged his lips down the curve of her neck, kissing, sucking, biting, unable to get his fill of tasting her and touching her.

Her hands went on their own desperate quest as well, first reacquainting themselves with the contours of his body before frantically peeling away the few layers of clothing he had so that she could feel his skin against her own. They stumbled over to his bed in a hapless tangle of arms and legs, unwilling to suspend their frenzied kisses even for an instant. Suhad pulled him into the bed after her, opening herself to him fully. Tutankhamun settled perfectly into the space she made for him, so eager for her that he did not even bother removing her gauzy nightgown. The moment he finally joined his body to hers was like coming home. Beyond the breath stealing pleasure that always punctuated their lovemaking, he felt safe in Suhad's arms. He felt nurtured. He felt loved. He burrowed himself deeper within her, wanting to get lost there, wanting to never be found.

Suhad grasped at him, his arms, his shoulders, his back, sensing his need and overwhelmed with the same need herself. She strained against him, took him as far as she could, loved him as hard as she could. They communicated without words and, despite the weeks of abstinence between them, rediscovered the rhythm that was theirs alone. They surged against one another in an primal dance of push and pull, joining again and again until one's release triggered the other's and their discordant cries and ragged sighs of pleasure blended into one.

When Suhad finally collapsed on top of him, thoroughly spent and panting, Tutankhamun found that he still could not stop touching her. He kissed her lips, her forehead, her cheek, nuzzling against her until she finally rolled away with an exhausted laugh. Tutankhamun shifted upright against the pillows, his own breathing harsh and labored. But he found that, as his ardor cooled, anxiety once again crept into his subconscious. As much as he wanted to remain there in the afterglow with her, he felt himself overcome by the worries that continued to plague him.

Growing aware of his uncharacteristic silence as well as his brooding expression, Suhad shifted onto her side to regard him with pensive eyes. "You look troubled. What is it?" she whispered in a tentative tone, "I thought you would be happy that I came to you tonight."

He smiled at her, cradled her closer so that she was nestled against his shoulder. "I am happy."

She reached up to smooth the lingering furrow between his eyebrows. "Do you always scowl so fiercely when you are happy?"

"It's not you that makes me despondent," he sighed, "It's everything else."

"Everything like what?"

Although he was reluctant to cast a pall over their reunion, Tutankhamun was grateful that Suhad was willing to provide a listening ear because he needed to talk. "After I left you this morning, Lagus informed me of a secret plot that has been forming among some of the men to free General Horemheb and stage a coup against me."

Suhad reached up to grasp the hand that lay across her shoulder in a gesture of comfort. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, "I know how much it means to you to win the respect and trust of your men. You've worked so hard to earn their loyalty."

"I have earned their loyalty. And for those whose loyalty I have not gained, we will foil their efforts, of course. That's not the point. I'm expected to wage a successful assault against an invading army that grows by the day and I can't even unite my own people. And, if matters weren't grim enough, illness continues to plague my country and it is killing off my citizens in droves."

He expelled a breath filled with irony. "Those who stand with me believe me to be invincible, a living god. And yet, the reality is, I am the target of more enemies than I have friends. I am merely a flawed man with an array insurmountable forces against me that are beyond my control. And all of this because I dared to rule my own kingdom! Amazing that I should be so despised for wanting to live up to my birthright."

"You embrace your responsibilities rather than running away from them. That desire is exactly what makes you a great leader and what gives you strength."

"Not enough."

Suhad propped herself up on her elbow, reaching forward to tenderly smooth errant strands of hair behind his ear. "Do you remember what you told me when we were on the dunes together?"

He favored her with a half smile. "I told you many things, mostly about how much I detested the sand. You'll have to be more specific."

Her playful growl only caused his grin to widen. "You said that you wanted to be remembered as a great pharaoh," Suhad recounted, "Greatness cannot only be seen in the eyes of people, but it must be seen in the eyes of your enemies as well."

"And how can I accomplish that with an enemy who refuses to see it?"

"Offer them something of mutual benefit," she advised, "Bridge your differences and turn your enemies into allies instead. That, my love, would be a measure of great strength and the mark of a great Pharaoh."

"How do you know these things?" Tutankhamun wondered in awe.

"My father often says that reasonable men will always respond to reason," she told him, "I've never found that to be untrue."

Tutankhamun closed his eyes briefly as he digested all the wisdom he'd received. "I will think about what you've said tonight. Thank you...for the advice and for coming to me. I am glad you are here."

Suhad rewarded his sincere words with a sound kiss before snuggling back against him. With his heart unburdened, she thought that he might fall asleep soon after but she was surprised when he shattered the comfortable silence between them a moment later when he remarked, "Now that I've shared with you my most unsettling thoughts perhaps you can do the same." Suhad went perfectly still against him, her breath briefly suspended in her lungs as she waited for his next statement. "I know that something is troubling you," he went on gently, "You were going to tell me that night when we...when I..."

He trailed off into silence in an effort to compose himself. He did not want to remind her or himself of that night he spent with Ankhesenamun. He also did not want to derail the discussion by dredging up bad memories for them both. When he spoke again, his words were much steadier. "I understand why you didn't tell me then but that is behind us now. You can talk to me, Suhad."

"I want to tell you," she whispered after a pregnant pause, "but it is not an easy truth to confess. It's going to change everything and matters between us are already delicate enough."

"Is it about us?" he wondered, breath bated as he awaited her response.

"In a manner of speaking."

"Do you...do you not love me as you once did?" he stumbled.

She angled an adoring look up at him. "Of course, I love you! It has nothing to do with that."

He exhaled a relieved breath. "Then whatever it is that is troubling you, it cannot be so terrible."

"It's not...and it is," Suhad replied cryptically, "I just...I cannot tell you just yet. The words are there but every time I try to voice them out loud, I can't bring them forth. The timing is wrong."

"And when will the timing be right? Whatever secret you are keeping is causing you to pull away from me and I don't know if I can endure that again."

"I couldn't endure it either. At least now you know there is a secret."

"But you won't tell me what it is. So what comfort should I take in that?"

"My silence will not be indefinite. I will tell you when this business with the Mitanni and the general is finally settled," she promised. Suhad lay back down against his chest, oddly comforted by the constant thumping of his heart. "Once you can afford the distraction and you are free from the threat of your enemies, which will hopefully be soon, then there will no longer be any secrets between us, not then nor in the future. Can you wait until that time?"

She felt him press an agreeable kiss to the crown of her head. "If that is what you need, my love, then yes. I can wait."