Chapter Eighteen

Suhad blindly studied the surface of in the murky bath water as she contemplated what her next move should be. It had only been eight days since the news of Tutankhamun and Ankhesenamun's impending parenthood had been announced to the kingdom and already Suhad was feeling as if she could not bear another day of it. After a formal ceremony had been held celebrating the queen's fertility, the kingdom was now in a constant state of rejoicing over the prospect of an heir. Ankhesenamun was treated with the utmost tenderness by all who attended her, namely her brother, for fear her delicate condition might be endangered and she should lose her present pregnancy as she had lost the previous two. Consequently, each subsequent day Suhad spent within the palace walls became a little bit more unbearable.

Thankfully, Tutankhamun respectfully upheld her request to keep his distance. She could still feel his eyes following her longingly across the room and sense his yearning for her on the few occasions they would pass one another in the corridor. But he thankfully never approached her. In her fragile emotional state, Suhad would not have been able to withstand his efforts to cajole her into acceptance. The enforced distance, in turn, allowed Suhad to work resolutely on purging him from her heart. Loving him, she decided, had become a burden that she could no longer bear.

Still, Suhad maintained mixed feelings about the discord that existed between her and Tutankhamun. On the one hand, she was grateful he didn't push the issue. After months and months of enduring the dizzying highs and debilitating lows that were associated with loving him, she should have welcomed the relative peace that came with feeling nothing at all...but she didn't. Even after all that had transpired, she continued to yearn for him and that, ultimately, was the thing that kept her from leaving Thebes altogether. When it was all said and done, she simply could not leave him.

In spite of the frustration, pain and anger that continued to churn in her heart, she missed him ridiculously. There were sides of Tutankhamun that only she knew. She missed his laughter and teasing and cocky self-assuredness. She missed his tendency towards self-deprecation and his candor and his singular way of looking at her as if she were the most precious thing in all the world. She missed the way his altogether too rare smiles would light up his entire face. A small part of her secretly wanted him to try to win back her affection even if he was met with her rejection afterwards. She simply wanted to know and feel that she still mattered to him. Suhad recognized very well that her feelings were not right or just, but they persisted nonetheless.

In the end, however, it was probably best that he kept his distance. She was still too hurt to listen to his justifications. She was also deeply disappointed over how quickly he had gone back on his promises to forge his own traditions and leave the customs of his ancestors in the past. The instant he had learned of Ankhesenamun's pregnancy all his fervent assurances for their future had instantly evaporated. But even as the embittered thought entered her mind, Suhad knew she was being unreasonable.

It wasn't that she couldn't understand the position in which he had been placed. He was Pharaoh of Egypt and, as such, he was bound to obligations that had been established for hundreds of years, long before his very conception had even been attempted. Tutankhamun could not ignore the demands of his own birthright, as much as Suhad wished he could. She had told him once that were he to turn his back on his ancestral traditions that she believed the resulting shame would cripple him. Her feelings on the matter had not changed. Ankhesenamun's pregnancy was a reality he could not ignore.

Of course it was going to matter to him, Suhad reasoned. This was the very thing for which he fully believed he had been born...to produce an heir and continue the male blood line that had begun with his forefathers. She didn't expect that he could simply brush it aside. Unfortunately, understanding his motivations did not lessen the sting of his broken promises for Suhad, not one iota.

After all, there was her own pregnancy to consider. It was growing increasingly difficult to conceal her condition. What had been detectable to the trained eye only when she was nude was beginning to become noticeable while she was clothed. Her abdomen gradually swelled forth as the tiny life within her gained strength and weight and prepared itself for its entry into the world. Before too long, her secret, which she had guarded so protectively for nearly seven months, would no longer be a secret and then she would have to contend with Tutankhamun. He might be willing to subject himself to her wishes now, but once he learned of her pregnancy, Suhad well knew that the rules would change.

"I see that you and I had a similar idea."

Suhad startled at the intrusion of the queen's voice, visibly dismayed to see Ankhesenamun approach the edge of the bath. "Forgive me, my queen," she mumbled, already groping along the edge of the tub for her discarded robe and careful to keep herself hidden beneath the surface of the water as she did so, "If you give me a small moment, I will leave you in solitude."

"No," Ankhesenamun protested quietly, "Stay. You and I have much to discuss."

The words were spoken in a light tone, but Suhad imagined she could detect their ominous edge. She sank back into the water and closed her eyes briefly with an inward groan. "I am sorry for the loss of your cousin, my queen," she murmured sincerely, "You must realize that I never wished any ill on her...or you, for that matter. Her death was cruel and a tragedy."

"And yet, the end result is the same whether you wished us ill or not. Herit is gone and her light is forever extinguished from my life."

"I regret the pain you must feel at this time. I understand that she meant a great deal to you."

"She did mean a great deal to me. We were more like sisters than cousins. She protected me from my girlhood and beyond. But there are times when life must be sacrificed for the greater good. Her death has brought my brother and I closer than ever and, for that reason alone, it was not without purpose."

"And now you are expecting a child together," Suhad uttered thickly.

Ankhesenamun pressed her hand to her abdomen with a small smile. "Yes, we are. The gods have finally shown us favor. Which begs the question...why is it that you remain here, Suhad?"

Suhad tried not to flinch at the frosty query. "I had thought the reason was established long ago. I am here at the Pharaoh's behest."

"And yet, it has become quite evident of late that you no longer hold his interest. Perhaps the time has come for you to return Amurru and your people."

"I will leave when the Pharaoh requests it and not before," Suhad replied with stubborn bite. It mattered little that she had already contemplated returning to Amurru on numerous occasions long before the present conversation with Ankhesenamun. However, she would be cursed if she allowed that woman to think she had left Thebes out of want and not out of desire.

"The Pharaoh has other obligations that merit his attention at this time," Ankhesenamun said, "Namely a looming war, rampant sickness among his people, the delicate management of treasonous enemies and impending fatherhood. Do you really wish to place him in the uncomfortable position of having to reject you and send you away when you could spare yourself the indignity and simply leave of your own accord?"

"Since when have you ever been concerned with my dignity, my queen?"

"Perhaps I was mistaken in assuming you possessed some modicum of pride and self-preservation."

"You were not wrong," Suhad replied, "However, the Pharaoh has never hesitated to speak his mind to me before. Should he desire my departure from Thebes, I am certain he will be the one to make that clear to me rather than using a second party as his mouthpiece."

All vestiges of counterfeit pleasantry evaporated from Ankhesenamun's pretty features then and she regarded Suhad with a narrowed glare. She lowered her eyes to the water, as if she could see beyond the opaque surface to discern Suhad's expanded girth. When she lifted her eyes again, they were speculative and flinty with fortitude.

"You are deceiving yourself if you believe that he will elevate your child above mine, my dear."

Whatever satisfaction Suhad had been feeling prior to that moment fizzled with alacrity. The shock of the revelation that Ankhesenamun had discovered her secret left her momentarily paralyzed with fear and unable to speak. She trembled in the water, too stunned by Ankhesenamun's pointed reference to her unborn child to even think of a response. Ankhesenamun wrongly mistook her silence for guile.

"Do not bother trying to construct a denial," she uttered in a flat tone, "You're not as clever as you think. All of your attendants answer to me. You have no secrets here. Though I applaud your success in keeping Tutankhamun in the dark as long as you have, given how frequently he used to visit your bed."

"What do you want from me?" Suhad demanded from between clenched teeth, "I know you don't mean to tell him, so what exactly are you after?"

"Nothing. I mean only to impart some wise counsel to you. I'm sure you'll appreciate it as you've been known in the past to dispense it so freely yourself."

The acidic accusation hidden in her falsely innocuous statement did not escape Suhad's attention. "I did not ask the Pharaoh to send your cousin as an offering for the Mitanni. You unfairly assign blame to me for matters in which I had no control."

"No, I don't believe it is unfair at all. You advised him to make peace with his sworn enemies...with your people at the expense of his own!"

"They are not my people!"

"We are not your people either! Go home! You have no place here, Suhad."

"I have a place with the Pharaoh!"

"You had a place with him! He seems to have little interest in you now."

Suhad refrained from pointing out that his distance had been at her request and not his desire. She refused to be drawn into yet another game of tit for tat with the queen. "He deserves to know that I am to bear his son!"

"Then why have you not told him before now?" It was a valid question and one for which Suhad did not have an answer. She snapped her mouth closed against the rebuttal she had intended. The queen smirked at the small victory.

"Do you honestly think it will make a difference to him?" Ankhesenamun queried derisively, "How long have you been here? How many times has he promised to make you his wife? Yet, he has continually failed to do so. The Pharaoh may have as many wives as he chooses but he has made no move to bestow you with that honor. In fact, even now when he has the opportunity he has not stepped forward to make you his bride. Why do you think that is so? He might make you all the lovely promises in the world but he will never make a common village girl his wife!"

"Are you seeking to convince me of these things?" Suhad asked with false bravado, "Or yourself?"

"Don't be daft, you simple girl!" the queen bit out scornfully, "Your position, as with all women, is fleeting and given solely at the fickle whim of a man's cock. Tutankhamun may have loved you and he may feel some measure of debt towards you, but that does not matter now. I am his Queen and, above all else, his blood. Pure, Egyptian blood and I carry his heir to the throne. There is no greater title in all the world for a woman than to be lauded as a future king's mother! Do you truly want to be here when I receive that glory?"

Suhad inhaled a quick breath. "Is that some sort of threat against me?"

The queen regarded her coolly. "Consider it a caution, if you wish. I am merely informing you that I will tolerate no rivals against my child. Is that clear?"

Despite the chill of pure fear that ran through her, Suhad managed to summon a flash of boldness as she met the queen's cold stare squarely. "You must be quite certain that the gods will deliver you a son who might actually live long enough to take the throne, my queen," she returned shakily, "However, I cannot say that I share your confidence on the matter, thus I shall take my chances and remain here for now."

Ankhesenamun raked her with a withering glance. "You will regret having made an enemy of me!"

Following her confrontation with Ankhesenamun, Suhad began to grow increasingly more paranoid and suspicious of those around her. She guarded herself with everyone, from the most insignificant temple servant to the esteemed Pharaoh himself. She became even more hyperaware of the whispers that took place behind her back, certain that Ankhesenamun had employed spies everywhere in the palace to discern her every move. Daily she contemplated the wisdom of simply fleeing Thebes under the cloak of night but her pride balked at the idea of giving the queen what she wanted. Suhad recognized that Ankhesenamun would not be nearly so eager to get rid of her if she did not perceive Suhad as a threat.

However, Suhad recognized that something beyond her pride was now at stake. She had to think of her unborn child's well being. She already loved her baby deeply already and wanted to protect it. Ankhesenamun had already made it clear that she would target, not only Suhad, but her child as well. The queen was a threat that she could not discount. Suhad had to be sure to protect her child's interest as well as her own...even if that meant leaving the palace without Tutankhamun ever becoming aware of her pregnancy.

She sat in the palace gardens one particular morning, trying to plot out the logistics of such a plan when Lagus approached her and took the empty seat next to her on the stone bench where she was perched. "We haven't spoken in a while, have we?" he said by way of greeting.

"You've been much too preoccupied with his lordship's bidding to engage in idle conversation with old friends," Suhad replied flatly.

"That's no excuse. I should make a greater effort with you, especially given how difficult your time here has been."

"I can take care of myself, Lagus."

"I don't doubt it," he replied with a measure of fondness and pride, "But everyone needs allies, Suhad. I've been worried about you."

"Were you worried or are you merely here at his request?"

"I sought you out of my own volition, if you must know," Lagus said, "Not that he hasn't been probing me endlessly for details on your emotional state of late. I wish you would talk to him. He's been in agony, Suhad."

"Do not speak to me of his pain! That's hardly fair."

"I never made any promises to be such. I'm here to intercede on both your behalves."

Suhad set her jaw obstinately. "I have nothing to say to him, Lagus."

"Then allow him to do the talking. He only seeks to determine if you are well and to know that you do not despise him."

"So this is to be a reconnaissance mission, is it?"

Lagus reached over to squeeze her hand, disarming her with a single, tender gesture. "This is my acting as a mediator between two stubborn fools while also showing interest in a friend. So, as it is clear that I am failing in the former, I shall instead concentrate on the latter. How are you, Suhad? Tell me truly."

"Do you remember when we were in the desert and you warned Khaten that I would not be accepted here?" she recalled in a tremulous voice, "You told him that the transition would be difficult for us but, particularly, for me. Neither of us was willing to heed your counsel. We were quite naive, weren't we...to think I could come here and we could have a life together?"

"Not naive. Hopeful and fully confident that your love could conquer all obstacles. Who is to say you were wrong? You can still have a life together...only perhaps not the idealized one that you first imagined." Suhad processed his words with a painful swallow, maintaining her silence in invitation for him to continue. "You are enamored with the Pharaoh of Egypt, Suhad," Lagus went on gently, "He is a man with great power and great enemies and even greater responsibility. Did you really believe that you would have him all to yourself?"

"Perhaps I did not realize I would be required to share him with so many," she mumbled.

"If it is any consolation to you, you are the only one to whom he wishes to be obligated." When she said nothing in response to that, Lagus tried a different tactic altogether, deciding to address the matter that had prompted him to seek her out in the first place. "When will you tell him of the child you carry?" She snapped upright at the unforeseen question, her fists bunching reflexively in her lap as tension knifed through her entire body.

"There are whispers, Suhad," Lagus continued gently, "They haven't yet reached the Pharaoh's ears as he has been distracted with other affairs but it is only a matter of time." Suhad made a lame attempt at denial but Lagus held up his hand for her silence. "You don't have to confirm anything to me if you are disinclined but you should realize that the Pharaoh already suspects your condition."

Suhad's features became ashen with incredulity and fear. "What? How?"

"Calm yourself. Yes, he does suspect or...at least, he did suspect at one point," he clarified, "He mentioned the possibility to me weeks ago."

"What did he say?" she burst out, "What did you tell him?"

"Nothing too detailed, only that he thought you might be with child and he asked me what I thought of the timing. I told him that he shouldn't worry about matters which you hadn't brought to his attention. At the time, I hadn't imagined that you would deliberately keep such news from him."

"I have my reasons, Lagus."

"There is no judgment on my part, Suhad, only concern."

"I cannot only think of what is best for Tutankhamun and I at this point. Whatever decision I make will affect my child for better or worse. He must be my priority."

"And the Pharaoh's priority," Lagus added pointedly.

"Perhaps..."

"Do not mislead yourself. This is not a secret you can maintain indefinitely. He will know soon enough," he said, directing a meaningful look towards her rounded abdomen which she kept carefully concealed behind a heavy cloak. "Do you not think that he should hear the truth from you?"

She caressed her belly, oddly comforting by the rolling acrobatics of the child within her. "I sincerely doubt he will care, Lagus. He has his heir now."

Lagus favored her with a chastising glance. "You know better. Don't allow your insecurities over the queen to cloud your judgment. He will welcome a child with you, Suhad. Surely you know that, heir or not, this child will be his favorite because you are its mother."

"And that will only cause my child to become a target," she reasoned, "He won't be safe here."

"So you mean to return to Amurru?" Lagus concluded astutely.

Suhad ducked shamefully her head though his tone was largely without judgment. "I've been considering it. My baby would be safer."

"You must speak to Tutankhamun before you decide anything. But you should know, Suhad...he would never allow anything to happen to you or the child. He would give his life on your behalf."

She averted her face in hopes of concealing the tears that had begun to spill from her eyes. "Are you going to tell him?" she sniffled tentatively.

"That is not my place," Lagus told her, "You should tell him."

"I cannot," she choked.

"Why not? Do you imagine he would be anything less than ecstatic? He would rejoice over the news, Suhad! I'm certain of it."

"It's not that! I cannot tell him because if I do then I will be bound to him forever."

Lagus blinked at her in incredulous confusion. "I thought that was what you wanted. Is that not the very reason you came to Thebes in the first place?"

She licked at the teardrops gathering at the corners of her mouth. "Yes. I did want to be with him. I do. But I never imagined loving him would be this much pain. Sometimes I can scarcely breathe under the weight of it all. When we were in the desert it was easier. We were free to do what we wanted when we wanted. I wish we could go back."

"But you cannot go back and this is your reality now. You can either take him as he is and find a way to accept that which you cannot change or you can leave him, Suhad. But you must make a choice and you must stick with it...for his sake and for your own."

Suhad acknowledged his words with a terse nod. "I will consider all that you have said, my friend. Thank you for your candor...and your concern."

"That is what we do, after all, you and I and Tutankhamun," Lagus replied with a reassuring smile, "We take care of each other."

"Yes," she agreed, leaning her head lightly upon his shoulder, "That is what we do."