Chapter Nineteen

Fourteen days after the triumphant announcement of her impending motherhood, the queen miscarried her third child in the middle of the night while she lay in her bed sleeping. She awakened to find her linens soaked through with blood and the child, whom she had wanted and needed so fiercely, irretrievably lost to her. While Suhad faced the prospect of informing Tutankhamun of her secret pregnancy, Ankhesenamun faced the prospect of disclosing to him her failed one. Consequently, the Pharaoh spent all of that morning sequestered in his sister's chambers, attempting to comfort the distraught queen during her inconsolable loss and all of that afternoon on his knees in prayer at temple, asking the gods again and again "why?"

During all of those hours, Suhad waited with a mixture of anticipation and anxiety. While the palace descended into mourning over the queen's loss, she had quietly slipped into Tutankhamun's chambers and situated herself upon his chaise to await his inevitable arrival. Her resolve to continue waiting was shaken slightly when she learned that he had spent the entire morning alone with the queen. She was further dismayed when next she heard that he had gone to the temple in order to supplicate the gods on Ankhesenamun's behalf.

Clearly, he was preoccupied with his sister's well being which caused Suhad question her timing more than once. It seemed that whenever she resolved herself to telling him the truth something always interrupted her execution. If she were particularly superstitious Suhad might have believed that it was some kind of divine expectation from the gods for her to maintain her silence. However, she knew better than to use that as an excuse. Given the circumstances, she would have gladly latched on to any excuse to forgo her plans because she feared how Tutankhamun might react, especially given his current anguish over Ankhesenamun's miscarriage. Despite her misgivings, however, Suhad was determined not to let her mind go wandering too deeply into his possible motivations or what he might be feeling at that time.

He had lost a child and it was only natural that he should grieve for it. That reality was completely separate from her obligation to tell him of her own pregnancy. The time had long passed for him to know. But something far more powerful than responsibility and obligation compelled Suhad to continue waiting for him, something that far outweighed her fear. Compassion. Suhad had never been able to turn her back on Tutankhamun, especially not when he was in pain. That was how they had begun after all...because her own tender heart would not allow her to leave him in the riverbed even when her instincts had warned her that he would prove to be trouble.

She'd been right in that regard too. Pharaoh Nesubity Nebkhepepure Tutankhamun Hekaiunushema had been her greatest source of joy and misery for nearly the better part of a year. Yet, Suhad found that when she contemplated those exhilarating weeks of pure happiness and the equally hopeless moments of contention and despair, she truly did not regret loving him. How could she? Their love had created the child within her. Their love had encouraged him to grow into the incredible ruler and man that he had become. Their love had changed her entire world.

Lagus had been astute in his observations, however. For too long she had been so preoccupied with lamenting what she and Tutankhamun had lost once they'd left the desert behind that she never stopped to contemplate what they had gained or what yet remained between them. Almost since the moment of their arrival in Thebes, she had been unconsciously punishing Tutankhamun for a life he could not change. She had often said that she could accept his role as Pharaoh of Egypt but there was quite a difference between words and actions. While she could acknowledge that he was Pharaoh she wasn't quite prepared to deal with the complications that came with the title. Still, the earnest desire to accept him completely remained with her because the alternative of living her life without him was simply unbearable.

It was close to evening when Tutankhamun abruptly came stalking back into his bedchamber with the most fearsome expression on his face that Suhad had ever witnessed. The sudden intrusion made her jump. She assimilated within seconds that he was infuriated about something which, momentarily, had her rethinking her plans to speak with him right then. He was already in a foul temper and she certainly didn't want to worsen it.

She darted a look around her, unconsciously searching for a place to conceal herself before he caught sight of her. The decision was inevitably taken out of her hands. He started to tear through his chamber in obvious search of something, completely unaware of Suhad inching towards the nearest corner. Mere seconds before she reached the pillar on which she had set her sights, Tutankhamun whipped around and the two came face to face. Suhad froze in her tracks, as did he. They stared at one another mutely. Suhad watched with suspended breath as his dark expression quickly gave way to incredulous astonishment and finally sagging relief.

"Hello," he greeted with uncharacteristic formality.

"Hello," Suhad returned rather tentatively, "Did...have you misplaced something?"

"You...actually. I was in your chambers a short while ago," he explained to her in a measured tone. Suhad realized that they were the first words he'd spoken to her beyond formal pleasantries in nearly two weeks and, ridiculously, it was enough to double her already racing heartbeat. "You weren't there. I thought, at first, that you might have fled in the night. I was going to have this palace and the city torn apart searching for you."

"There's no need for such drastic measures," Suhad whispered, "As you can see, I am here. I heard about the queen. I am sorry for the loss you have suffered, Khaten. I know how much it meant to you to have an heir."

With her words, Tutankhamun's eyes deliberately slid lower, lingering intently on her distended middle, which was partially shrouded by her outer robe, before returning to her face once again. His features were inscrutable but even at a distance Suhad could detect the angry fire leaping in the depths of his expressive eyes. In that horrifying split second, she recognized that there was no need to give him any truth. He already knew. Her suspicion was confirmed with his next words.

"But I do still have an heir... " he asked in a deceptively soft voice, "...isn't that true, Suhad?"

He didn't need to raise his voice for her to recognize that he was infuriated with her. Somehow, the quiet, even tone he used made his anger all the more palpable to her. His lean frame practically vibrated with the emotion and was detectable even across the expanse that separated them. Suhad trembled, not with fear that he would cause her any bodily harm but with regret for the hurt and confusion that he must be feeling at that moment, hurt and confusion that she had caused him.

"I...I was going to tell you," she stammered out in consolation, "I...I wanted to...I wanted to find the words every day."

"And when were you going to do that exactly? When it became impossible for you to conceal your pregnancy any longer? Or were you planning to send word by messenger? Perhaps long after you had returned to Amurru and had borne the child?"

He fairly spat out each question and his words had a lacerating effect on her already beleaguered conscience. Suhad shrank inside herself with burgeoning shame because she could not completely deny that the thoughts hadn't crossed her mind. "How did you come to know?"

"Ay told me while I was at temple, resigning myself to the possible reality that my bloodline would likely die with me. He was good enough to disavow me of that grim prospect. Apparently, your condition has become common knowledge among everyone here...except me." When he could feel his anger mounting anew, Tutankhamun closed his eyes in a bid for composure. He inhaled a deep, steadying breath before he looked at her again and implored in the calmest tone he could summon, "Just...why, Suhad? Tell me why."

"I thought to tell you so many times over the past months," Suhad confessed hoarsely, "But the longer I waited, the more difficult it became. I agonized endlessly over how this child might be received and how news of my condition would affect your rule. I never intended to keep it hidden from you for so long!"

"But you did intend to keep it hidden?" As she verbally flailed about for some sort of response to that, it became apparent that she would be unable to produce a satisfactory answer so Tutankhamun followed up his initial question to her with yet another. "Did you not think I would care to know?"

"Your attention has been consistently elsewhere of late. I did not wish to add to your burden."

"You thought I would see our child as a burden?"

"A child born with the same blood of your sworn enemy coursing through its veins?" Suhad considered thickly, "Yes. I thought the news might be less than thrilling for you."

He prowled the in restless circles before her, shooting her a look that was half insulted, half incensed. "I have never viewed you in that manner. Why would you ever believe I would view our child as any less?"

Suhad bit her lip in tearful consternation. "I'm not saying my fears were legitimate only that they were my fears and they were very real to me. I have been certain of precious little since I came here except for two things and that is...I love you, Khaten, and I want to protect you. That was true in the desert and it is true now."

Tutankhamun froze, relief and hope replaced his shattered expression. "You love me? Still?"

"Did you think I ever stopped?" she wondered in surprise.

In the wake of her tacit confession, Tutankhamun relaxed considerably, as if he had merely been waiting for that reassurance all along. He released a shuddering breath. "I couldn't be sure what you were feeling any longer," he said softly, "You made it quite clear that my presence was unwanted."

"I was hurt."

"I know...and I am sorry for the part I played in dealing it."

She accepted his apology with a small nod before offering one of her own. "I am as well...for the hurt I caused you."

Tutankhamun expelled another ragged breath before asking, "How long before the child is born?"

"It's not exact, but...I anticipate the babe will be born in three months time," she said, "Perhaps less."

Surprisingly enough, in spite of the tension that continued to swell between them, he smiled at the news. It was trembling at first, wobbling on his lips as if he was fighting against it and then his beautiful features softened completely, his dark eyes gleaming with tears of boundless joy as his grin stretched from ear to ear. "I honestly don't know whether I should be angry with you at this moment or happier than I've ever been in my entire life."

"Should I have any say in the matter, my lord, I think I would prefer the latter," Suhad interjected shakily. When Tutankhamun emitted a small grunt of laughter, she opened her arms to him in silent appeal. "Do you think, perhaps, you and I could have a reconciliation now?"

She didn't take another breath until she felt his arms close around her in a firm embrace. In that instant it felt as if her world, which had been tilted crazily off of its axis in recent weeks, suddenly was righted. But Suhad barely had time to get lost in the sensation of being surrounded by his scent and warmth again before he was eagerly pushing her robe from her shoulders. As the material pooled at her feet, Tutankhamun took a step back to survey her, his eyes and hands roaming her body and assimilating the changes with reverential wonder.

"You're so beautiful," he breathed.

Suhad suppressed the self-conscious urge to shield herself. "I'm enormous and ungainly."

He lightly skimmed his hands over her arms and breasts and belly as if he expected her to dematerialize right before his eyes. "No. You're perfect...absolutely perfect."

And then, without warning, he sank to his knees before her and framed her hips in his hands to bring her closer, pressing his face to her stomach. Suhad didn't imagine she could be anymore overwhelmed with emotion than she was right then until he placed a fervent kiss to the mound of her belly. Her tears welled anew as he nuzzled his face there and began whispering words of endearment to his unborn child, ultimately laughing with tearful delight when the child responded with several thumping kicks.

Tutankhamun tipped a smiling glance up at Suhad. "Does he do this often?"

"Mostly when I'm trying to sleep," she managed around the lump of emotion forming in her throat, "He must recognize his father's voice."

He pressed his face into her abdomen once more, raining grateful kisses across the distended expanse. "You have inspired me," he told her hoarsely, "You have given me hope again."

Suhad cupped his cheek, gently drawing his eyes back to her own. "Then I will stand by your side no matter what befalls us," she promised, "I will never love another."

"We are both guilty of making promises to each other that we have broken again and again. That cannot continue, Suhad."

"I will not break this promise. I will run from you no more. You are my home and my life. I will not leave you. This is the vow I make to you and it is as lasting and binding as any marriage vow."

"And if the gods...if they turn against me...if I fall from the throne and into disgrace...if the pyramids themselves crumble under my watch, what then, Suhad?"

"Then I will help you rebuild them," she vowed, "Stone by stone."

"I make you a promise as well, and it is as lasting and as binding as any marriage vow. I will always love and protect you as I will our child. And he..."

"...or she," Suhad interjected with a wobbly smile.

"...will never want for anything. I will see to it."

"You cannot force your people to love this child anymore than you can force them to love me. It is enough that we will raise our son or daughter together. It is just as you've always said...no one else matters."

"My people already love you, Suhad," he told her and before she could scoff at that he rose to his feet and cradled her face in his hands. "Think about what you have done, my love. You are a hero among the common people. You have proven to them that their Pharaoh is not inaccessible to them...that not only is he willing to walk and fight alongside them but he is willing to really love them as well. Only here in the palace do they view you as a threat. Out among the people, however, you are nothing less than a goddess in their eyes."

"I...I didn't know," Suhad gasped in astonishment.

"Did you never notice the reverence with which you were treated when you ventured out into the market place?" Tutankhamun wondered, "The special treatment you were often shown?"

Still dazed by his revelation, she replied vaguely, "I always imagined it was out of deference for you..."

"Perhaps in part. But Lagus often told me that he continually had to keep the crowds at bay due to their repeated attempts to draw close to you. He even requested that I restrict your visits to market for fear the crowds would grow to unruly."

Suhad gaped at him as the full import of what he was revealing to her hit her all at once. She shrugged out of his loosened hold with a short bark of stunned laughter. "You've been having Lagus follow me to the marketplace all this time?"

"Of course," Tutankhamun confirmed without remorse, "Did you really expect that I would allow you to venture outside the palace walls unescorted and unprotected?"

"B-But you never said a word at all!" she sputtered.

"Had you known of it, you would have protested and I would have insisted and it would have ended in yet another disagreement with the end result being the same. I thought to avoid conflict between us."

"You are truly too much, my king. I cannot decide if I should be angry at your unapologetic presumptuousness or flattered by your obvious thoughtfulness and concern."

With a slow smile, Tutankhamun plucked hold of her hand and drew her back into his arms. "Should I have any say in the matter, my love," he whispered, deliberately turning her earlier words to him back on her, "I should prefer the latter." When she chuckled in spite of her aggravation he nuzzled a sweet kiss across her smiling mouth. "I have missed you so much, Suhad."

"I have missed you as well," she managed in a serrated whisper when his lips began meandering trek over the curve of her jaw and down her neck. She started to whisper his name but the sound was lost when he kissed her again, his mouth angling passionately across her own.

He strummed his fingers across the delicate skin of her shoulders before hooking them into the gathered linen of her sleeveless nightgown. He peeled the delicate material down her body, baring her nakedness in painstaking inches to his ardent gaze. Once the linen was pooled at her feet, he mapped out her body with his eyes and lips and hands, as if touching and kissing her for the very first time. In a sense, it did feel like the first time to Tutankhamun because he was coming to know a side to Suhad that he had only hypothesized about before. He was no longer merely making love to the woman he loved more than life, he was making love to the mother of his child. They had created a life together and were bonded together by blood now. For Tutankhamun, the realization was profound.

After he had shed his own clothing, Tutankhamun had a single flash of hesitation as he moved to join Suhad among the piles of linen that adorned his bed. She lay before him, glorious and exposed and swollen with their child that he could plainly witness thumping around within her and, in that moment, he had never felt more humbled. Tutankhamun touched her abdomen in a fleeting caress before his hand descended lower to brush the coarse curls that lay beyond even as his gaze became shuttered with uncertainty. He drew his fingers across her sensitive flesh in slow, tentative strokes.

"This is safe for you..." he wondered quietly, "...and the child, is it not? If I must wait, I will. I would not do anything hurt either of you."

Suhad cupped his cheek and drew him down for her kiss, reassuring him with her touch and responsiveness. "I love you so much," she whispered as she deftly maneuvered them both into a position more accommodating of her expanding girth, "and I want this with you. There is no need to restrain yourself with me." Suhad fought against letting her eyes close when he joined their bodies together, determined to watch each small grimace of pleasure that flittered across his face and commit it to memory. She smiled down at him lovingly as they found their rhythm together, their hips rolling and gliding together like the ebb and flow of a mighty river current. Suhad finally lost her battle to keep her eyes open when he brought her to the precipice and then followed her over.

Later they spooned together in the center of his bed, content to lie in companionable silence and trade lazy kisses and caresses in the fading torchlight. Tutankhamun strummed his fingers of the slope of Suhad's belly, anticipating the instant when he would feel a firm thump beneath his palm. When none came, he frowned and lifted his head, his heart instantly beginning to strum with alarm.

"Why is he not moving?" he asked Suhad fretfully, "Should I call for the physician?"

She chuckled, both amused and endeared by his overanxious fatherly concern. "All is well. He is allowed to sleep sometime, is he not, my lord?"

"Are you sure that's all it is? "What if-?"

"-Our child is healthy, Tutankhamun," she said, hoping to soothe the fear lurking behind his eyes, "You needn't worry. This is his routine. I've noticed that when I'm active, he is usually quiet but the moment I'm still and quiet, then he's a bundle of energy. Give him a moment. He'll be bumping around like a maddened thing soon enough."

Tutankhamun regarded her with a fascinated smile. "Really? So he's vexing you already?"

"Most especially in the mornings or when I am bathing or any moments of relaxation at all. Your son is quite the acrobat. Whenever I find myself dozing, he's only too eager to be my wake up call. He's very much like his father," she added with an impertinent smile, "He likes to be the center of attention."

"I remember some weeks ago lying in bed with you as I am now and I thought I felt something..." he recounted with an awed smile, "It was so light and fleeting, I convinced myself later that I had imagined it. But I hadn't at all. It was real. He is real."

"Why did you never tell me you suspected?"

"I felt a bit foolish at the time. I know very little about childbearing. I had never taken an interest in it before. I didn't feel it was my place to say anything. I trusted that, if it were so, you would confirm it."

Her eyes rolled away in guilty consternation. "You must now feel your trust in me was misplaced."

Tutankhamun pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth in a tacit gesture of understanding and forgiveness. "No. I don't feel that. My trust in you has not been shaken at all. I merely regret any fear and doubt you must have felt...whatever it was that must have compelled you to keep our child a secret for so long."

"I did not want anyone questioning your allegiance to Egypt due to your love for me. I thought I was complicating your rule and making you vulnerable to your enemies. The queen said..."

"What?" he demanded sharply, "What did she say to you? Is she the reason you stayed silent so long? Does she know you are with child?"

"That's not important. At the time, she was speaking hypothetically. She said that your people did not trust you because of your attachment to me and that any child born of our union would be a shame and disgrace to your dynasty," Suhad confessed in a muffled tone.

Tutankhamun's eyes narrowed with displeasure. "She had no right to say those things."

"But she spoke no untruth, Khaten."

"No, she deliberately misrepresented it instead and caused you to believe that you were hurting me by your continued presence and that was wrong," he countered, "I will speak to Ankhesenamun in the morning. She must know that I will not tolerate your being mistreated by her."

"Please do not do that," Suhad implored, "She despises me enough already and she is grieving the loss of her child. None of it matters now. Let it be."

"It matters. However, I will do as you ask...for now," he consented, "But Ankhesenamun must come to terms with your place in my life. I will not have her undermining you or making you feel unwelcome any longer."

"She would be unable to do so if I didn't allow my own insecurities to eclipse my good judgment. I've made so many mistakes with you."

"Do not judge yourself too harshly. We have both made mistakes. I know that my own actions have contributed to your insecurities," he acknowledged, "But I would change none of what's occurred to bring us to this moment...most assuredly I would not change having you here with me now or our child growing inside of you. I think..." he marveled with a quivering smile, "...this is how it must feel to be truly happy."

"You can say that even with all the turmoil you are yet to face?"

"Absolutely. This moment here with you is everything that I never knew that I wanted." He settled back down against her and drew her back into his arms. "I haven't forgotten what dire prospects continue to loom ahead of me. The Mitanni remain a growing threat. Illness has become rampant in my kingdom, making it near impossible for me to answer that threat. My enemies are very likely seeking their first opportunity to seize power now that Ankhesenamun has miscarried our child. But all is not lost to me, Suhad. You and I are the only constant I have in my life."

"And I've rejected you at every turn," Suhad considered mournfully.

"I understand your reasons."

She shifted around in his arms so that they were lying face to face. "Do you really? Do you forgive me?"

"There is nothing to forgive. When it is all said and done, you stayed, my love. You could have run from here a hundred times and would have been completely justified to do so and yet you did not. You stayed with me in spite of all difficulty and your own broken heart. That is no small thing." He brushed her forehead with a tender kiss. "So we shall go forward from this moment together," he declared softly, "There shall be no more silence, no more broken promises and no further doubt between us. Agreed?"

Suhad strummed her fingers across his lower lip, her mouth turned up in a blissful smile. "Agreed."