Hey...
I haven't been writing for a long time, and publishing for even longer. There has been some troubles editing this stuff, since my friend is extremely busy, even more than I am, so this is a part of what I accomplished in the past... weeks?
Her throat aching as in a noiseless scream, her stomach annihilating her existance in blank pain, Bellatrix turned from the crowd around her and made her way down the hill, feeling like little pieces of her fell behing her as she walked away. She stopped, breathless, in the corner of a narrow alley. The lighted windows of the houses were a proof to her that life was a lonely expirience.
She bent forward and threw up. She had to.
Salty tears sneaked into her mouth, which made her choke and cough. 'I have a feeling,' the sentence came to her head, 'that now he won't climb that damned fence.'
And it was back, rising in her, the misery, the desperation of that moment. Because what can you do with such reality? It bit her guts, burned her heart. It was unavoidable. Unchangable as it all was, all that happened, ever since the day Sirius stepped off that stool.
'Why did you do this, you cursed hat? What for!?' she screamed in silence, pinning her throat even harder. She had to get it out.
And there was no one…
She could never tell, never make it true with her words, never face it, live it, get over it. For how could she make it gone without giving it a name?
And he knew. She was sure of it, and it was the end to everything simple and nice related to her family. To Sirius. To some moments of sheer comfort.
"I need a drink." A witch with a purple cloak gazed at her strangely, and she realized that she has said it out loud. 'Get it together,' she warned herself, 'it's what you make of it.' She stretched carefully, brushing her hair to behind her shoulder, then spat to the ground. 'I'm gonna go find Cissy, now,' she thought, but then regreted the idea.
If someone had stood at the gate of Hogwarts not a long while afterwards, they would have seen Bella walking stiffly, resentfully scross the lawns, still a black, long figure in the middle of all the smoothe, pale surface of the winter.
What would you name that feeling of… falling, flopping and burning to the sight of a person?
Bella called it nothing. She refused to look at it in the eye.
She refused to do the same with Sirius, for a while.
Then she thought it only made it more untoleratable, and stopped.
She reminded herself of her dignity. Of her ability to froze emotions, of her negative qualities which now she thanked for. She reminded herself that she owed nothing to anybody, maybe but her parents and that ridiculous Dumbeldure, and decided to crust, like the rest of her family did, even more roughly. More suddenly.
She decided to put an end to it. And if not an end, than at least a severe, cold, endless gate to lock it as far from herself as possible.
'If I can't see it, I can't feel it,' she told herself, each time she entered the Great Hall.
It's hard for emotions to work that way.
Since her emotions wouldn't brake out, they broke in. Something inside Bella broke, leaving a sharp, beating pain in her, that never stopped.