Chapter 17:

Dreams chased her through the night without ever fully waking her up. There were shapes and colours swirling around in her head, figures so close to her that her hands twitched in her sleep, trying to grasp them. Her lids fluttered but remained shut. Bodiless voices, whispers, promises. They didn't let up. Restlessness infiltrated her skin, made her turn around, always bumping up against something that was firm and yet soft at the same time.

When she finally awoke she felt as if she hadn't fallen asleep at all. The heaviness of the previous day returned and weighed her down, made it impossible for her to even open her eyes. Instead she paid attention to the sounds, to the physical sensations as the world around her materialized again. Daryl's skin against her cheek, his familiar smell. His heartbeat was the first noise she perceived, steady and calming. It took a lot of energy to focus solely on it, to stop her thoughts from wandering but once she'd accomplished it, it had a surprisingly soothing effect on her. Even just a little less restlessness felt like a blessing.

Slowly she allowed herself to take in other sounds. There was a breeze outside that rattled faintly at the car doors and a scraping noise that she couldn't quite place. It had a rhythm to it though, a softness that labelled it as harmless.

Daryl's breath washed over her, tickled her hair. It felt warm just like his body, just like the sunlight that grazed her face every now and again. Odd patterns, dancing rays. Soothing even in their unpredictability.

She stayed like this for quite a while, even when she realized that he wasn't asleep anymore. There was something she was waiting for though she didn't know what it was.

Courage?

Trust?

She possessed both and yet time continued to pass. Time that he willingly gave her.

"It was my fault that Mika and Lizzie died."

In the end the words came out more evenly than she had expected. His lips met her forehead and then he nodded.

"I saw the graves. I…figured somethin' like that. I don't believe it's your fault though…"

His words made her feel miserable, sick and wrong and for a split second all of the previous day's emotions came flooding back.

How could he have such faith in her still after he had learned about Karen and David?

How could a man like him – so easily suspicious – believe that she wasn't just as capable of the atrocities most of the other survivors were?

Her skin crawled, alive with threats and warnings. But it was impossible to carry those skeletons around anymore. It was time to bare herself and leave the others to dispense judgement and punishment. She had done it with Tyreese before, surely she could do it with Daryl.

You're not that woman who was afraid to be alone. Not anymore.

"No, it was my fault. It was me who killed them."

He opened his mouth to contradict but she quickly continued.

"I had noticed at the prison that Lizzie wasn't right…she wasn't like the other kids. At first I thought it was the trauma, the trauma of the apocalypse, the trauma of seeing her mother turn. They were both so little still, it was only natural. But it was more than that…she was messed up, that's what Mika said. But I couldn't just abandon them, either of them, especially not when their father died and made me promise to keep them safe. They were with Tyreese and Judith...after the prison…they were the first people I encountered. I was glad…so relieved to find them alive. I hadn't failed them yet. But they were struggling out there with a baby, a baby that was hungry and sometimes cold, a baby that felt the tension in the air and yearned for someone familiar even though it couldn't know where its father had gone. She couldn't understand that her cries for attention and food could risk the safety of the whole group. Tyreese was so glad to see me. I think he expected Judith to settle down easier with a woman nearby, a mother figure. He didn't know yet about Karen and David."

She sighed deeply and began tugging at her sleeve.

"After a while we all grew tired…the house at the grove came as a blessing. At first it was only another hideout, a place to hole up for the night. But the girls liked it…there was a fence, furniture, a water pump…plenty of pecans."

She shivered.

"So the plan changed…grew into an idea for the future. Hope. Maybe risking our lives reaching Terminus wasn't necessary. The girls liked it there."

She shook her head, felt herself getting lost in memories again.

"There were signs…there were still signs…always signs that Lizzie didn't understand, that Lizzie wasn't alright. Somehow she couldn't accept that the walkers were a threat…" she paused and tilted her head up to make eye contact with him, "it was her who was feeding them rats at the prison. She thought of them as pets, perhaps…or maybe as friends…I…I just don't know…"

She lowered her gaze again.

"The next morning at the grove I looked outside and there she was being chased by a walker. My heart almost stopped. I reacted instinctively. I ran out and I killed it…she was in tears. I thought she was scared, terrified…she'd been pretty together before, I had taught her to be strong but…she wasn't…she was upset, bereft almost because I had killed that walker. She accused me of killing her friend. She said I didn't understand…"

Daryl hummed in acknowledgment and even in that single sound she could detect his concern, the same unsettling feeling that had gripped her after that scene.

"I was unnerved but also desperate to make her understand. I had promised their father and I couldn't just let it go. More walkers found us a little while later, they almost got Mika. We defended ourselves as best as we could…even Lizzie. That's…that's when I thought she had finally understood, she had seen them as the threat they were."

Her lips curled into a sad smile as she shook her head anew.

"I let down my guard…"

Another long silence followed.

She swallowed.

"Tyreese and I let them out of our sights for just a second. We didn't go far. But when we returned…we…" She stopped, unable to go on.

The images replayed themselves in her mind, a never-ending reel, even when she squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt at blocking them out. She hadn't noticed that her hand had stopped tugging on her sleeve and had started scratching at her own skin instead until Daryl gently pried it away and made her rest it on his chest instead. His makeshift bandage pressed heavily against her arm.

"Mika was dead," her voice trembled, "Lizzie had killed her. There was a knife…full of blood. She was proud, excited, told us eagerly that she had just been about to do the same to Judith. Now we'd see, now we'd finally understand that they weren't bad. She thought Mika would come back and recognize her. She had killed her own sister and she didn't even…"

Emotions overwhelmed her, brought fresh tears to her eyes that fell onto Daryl's vest and then dispelled across his bare skin. He allowed her to grieve and simply brought her closer to his body, caressing her hair, her back, her cheeks, accepting her tears without wiping them away.

"Don't blame yourself, you were trying to teach her, to show her." He said, placing a kiss on the crown of her head. "Like you showed me…"

"I killed her, Daryl. I killed Mika and then I shot Lizzie. I took her out of the house to a patch of grass where the flowers were growing. I told her to turn away from me and then I shot her in the head."

Fresh raw sobs, never-ending in their painfulness.

Then after a while a calmness overtook her. But she still felt sick and guilty at being so relieved to have finally divulged everything. Now all she could do was wait until the tears dried and he passed his judgement on her.

The silence between them stretched on. She couldn't tell if he was just waiting to see if there was more she needed to tell him or whether he had started resenting her the minute the last word had left her mouth.

The demons returned swiftly, whispering the old, familiar warnings into her ear. She knew what they wanted her to believe. But Daryl was holding her still, surely he wouldn't do that if she repulsed him.

"I'm sorry."

Those were the words she had thought but it was unexpected hearing them come out of his mouth.

"Why?" she asked, so perplexed that she turned to look at him fully.

"Cause I wish I woulda been there," he shrugged helplessly, "so I coulda helped ya and you wouldn't have felt forced to do it yourself. I woulda made sure you didn't have ta carry it on your own."

"I would've either way."

He smiled briefly and brushed a small strand of hair behind her ear.

"Of course, ya strong. You always put others before yaself."

"That's not what I meant," she interrupted, her forehead creasing into a frown.

"Yeah well, it's what I meant. And maybe that's why ya were put in that situation…no matter how fucked up that is. Cause ya the only one who could handle it."

"I thought you didn't believe in fate." She reminded him gently but he only dragged up his shoulders.

"Never said that. Said I didn't believe in luck."

There was a small triumphant glint in his eyes.

"Either way…it still says a lot about me, doesn't it?" she commented quietly and he smiled again.

"Yes, but not the kinda things ya thinkin' of. You did right by Sophia and ya did right by those girls. You always do, ya always tryin'. You don't just storm out when things ain't goin' your way. Ya ain't insulting others…" He glanced away nervously. "More than can be said for a bunch of us…"

She shifted her weight so her body came to rest against the uninjured side of his body. Then she reached up to cup his chin and made him look at her.

"You're not that man anymore either. You've grown."

"Gotta adjust nowadays, dontcha?"

She nodded and produced the first smile in ages that felt genuine, that radiated warmth right down to the tips of her toes.

And then he kissed her and it was as if their moment at the lake had never taken place; it was as if it was never meant to be her making the first move, no matter how many times she had imagined it.

There was no shyness, no clumsiness this time. It wasn't meant as a comforting gesture because words had deserted them. It was done because he loved her.

He took what he wanted while nourishing her at the same time with the gentleness with which his lips coaxed kiss after kiss out of her own.

She clung to him, refusing to part just yet, marveling at the man he had become and the woman he continued to see in her.

And slowly, the last pieces of trepidation started to ebb away until she started to see that the nightmares that had haunted her all this time hadn't simply been born out of the trauma she had experienced, but had also arisen out of the fear of letting go, of forgetting.

She had felt that Mika and Lizzie had come as a punishment because she had released Sophia and refused to talk about her again.

So afterwards she had felt that it was her duty to carry the legacy of all those little children inside her, so that they wouldn't be forgotten.

But it was alright…it was alright now to wave them goodbye with Daryl by her side. Lost to the world and their parents, but not forgotten.