"I think I would like to join them."
They were sitting in the Slytherin common room; Bellatrix, Cissy, Malfoy, Moory and Deon, with a few others, talking agressively about the subject of death eaters and the rising war.
"No, you know what?" Bellatrix raised her voice, "I would love to join them! That's one of the greatest notions I could possibly possess, joining them."
"I agree, there is nothing more noble to do than that," said Malfoy in a quiet, silky voice. Bella looked at him fondly, then turned to a seventh year student who began speaking, "I believe that it's a mission of great importance, but some people are too weak to handle it."
Bella's nostrils whitened. "These people aren't worthy, then!"
Some of the students around her cheered. She looked at them proudly. "We should sacrifice ourselves and our needs in such times, when there's a chance to orgenize the world of magic. We should fight while we have the chance to!"
Her sister looked doubtful. "But how can we know that we're doing the right thing? What if- what if we ruin our families and future and the world of magic, fighting it?"
Her words pressed into Bella's heart, begging to come in, yet she wouldn't let them. "Cissy, we could never win anything if we don't try to." She could never be cruel to her sister, only harsh, sometime. Narcissa always awakened some sort of softness in her, which Bella almost resented. "We won't ruin the world of magic, but fix it. We have to fight for the things we believe in!"
"That's a stupid, unecessarly heroic answer," mumbled Narcissa under her breath, so nobody could hear her, and the discussion went on.
It was months after Bella's answer. She turned sixteen in may, and there were her OWLs to prepare for. Life seemed to be helping her forget. She was determined to get an O in all the subjects, and thought it more than possible. She was considered by all, including herself, a talented, skillful witch. Now, with a new goal- to join the terrifying Voldemort- she felt required to achieve impressive results.
It was only one time that the thought of Sirius's opinion on her decisions came to her mind.
'I won't let it stay. No, Merlin, he doesn't know anything. He's too busy causing trouble and looking handsome to pay attention.'
She then started thinking about his looks, and wanted to scream out of frustration.
'I don't have the patients to deal with myself…' That thought hurt her terribly.
Happiness, after all, was important to her.
Another subject caused her worry. Her sister and Malfoy have been dating for a long time- she didn't really believe they'd last that long when it started. Maybe it was because Malfoy looked like the most tiring, fire-less wizard Bella had ever seen. Maybe it was because he and Narcissa resembled eachother's looks way too much to be attracted to eachother. It was almost inappropriate.
Still, they lasted. Lucius was going to graduate next year, and it was clear, though never said, that Cissy wouldn't do well without him. Bella almost feared those years to come. Cissy was a year younger than herself, and it meant two years without Lucius, and one year without Bellatrix. Narcissa would be left alone.
Her sister never spoke of it, but Bella knew she expected Malfoy to marry her. He'd been by her side for so long, he had no option to leave. Yet he was older, and will come out to the world before Narcissa. He might find out that he wanted something else than his own reflection.
He'd might want something other than a mild, pale character of a girl. After all, Narcissa was only a girl.
Bella knew the fire, the determination in her sister. Did Malfoy know it, too? Did Narcissa let him see the deepest, most impressive parts of her nature?
'My younger sister's love life troubles me more than my own,' thought Bella sarcastically as she walked the halls.
It wasn't even the worst part.
'That's because I don't have a love life.'
It was her fault. She decided one day that it was her fault. All that happened. It was more bitter than the resentment or helplessness. It's easier to get over negative feelings towards the world, but resenting yourself- it's like coming back to the wrong answer again and again. It's like burning yourself alive.