[Lovino's POV]
My heart ached with violent pangs. The irritation of a newly found discovery had taken place. The shadows had become so comforting and warm. Like the sun itself had been put out of my life. And even though that had happened, I felt as if it was better like this. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. My blood was hot as it coursed through my body. My body was covered in sweat. A stranger's body moved against mine and their groans of pleasure filled the room. How much times had my body been used like this?
There was no passion. No affection. It was just meaningless sex. Nothing to it other than carnal pleasure. I didn't wish for it. It was a means to survive. I didn't want this. Life had been the best teacher I have had. It taught me that I needed to fight for survival. Another stranger would pass through my sheets. It paid well. But it felt me more empty each time.
The man left after he was finished. He had paid a good amount for me. It would pay for more than the bills and rent. It paid for everything but for the return of my faith. For the cleaning up afterwards. For the crying mess I turned to when the night was cold and my heart actually felt the years of a sickening means to get through life.
I was alone. No family to rely on. I only had me.
My body ached so much. It's not rare for it to feel like this. I got up somehow and went into the bathroom. Nothing was ever going to change in my life until I had enough money to get out of here. The water shot out with steam following it. It was around 3 pm. Not that I cared. I normally slept until noon anyways.
The water was hot when I got in. I hissed as I felt the hot water cover my body. It hurt but it was the only way I felt somewhat clean after a client. Of course being a man meant I had ladies and men as my clients. Ladies, I could do without much worry. But men, I hated them. Their touch made me want to scratch off three layers of skin. They repulsed me. I wanted nothing more than to run away when I had a male client. The burning of the water didn't compare to the burning hatred I had for my situation or the hatred I held for men.
"Fuck it." I got the sponge and began to scrub the red irritated skin. I was covered in fluids and marks. It stung more to scrub it now but I felt cleaner. It didn't take long for the burning feeling to settle, only to be brought back as I scrubbed harder and harder. It was like I was trying to wash away the damage these choices had caused me. The red irritated skin got more red as I kept scrubbing. I didn't want to smell anything but the smell of the soap. It was like a reminder that I was clean.
After the hot shower, I got dressed and cleaned my bed. The rest of the room was an orderly mess. I had to clear away the sheets and the pillow cases. They were filthy and smelled of sex. I hated it. I wanted to burn them out in the balcony and forget the previous events. I needed that clean smell.
My phone rang as I had placed the dirty sheets and pillow cases in the laundry basket along with clothes that I found near or around the room. I didn't care if they were clean or not. If it was on the floor then it was probably dirty anyways.
"What?" Annoyance filled my voice. I already knew who it was. Only one person called me at this time. It was my younger brother Feliciano. He was in northern Italy, Venecia. He had a good life there with his stupid potato bastard of a boyfriend. They always moved from Venecia to Berlin in the summers. They didn't know of my situation and to be honest I preferred they didn't.
"Ciao! Fratello! It's been so long! I have been trying to call you for ages!" His words were a mix of English and Italian. He used to speak only Italian but since he met that German bastard, he has been using English and German more frequently. Another reason I hated men and that stupid potato bastard.
"I was sleeping." I lied.
"How have you been?" He asked in that annoyingly caring way. A part of me wanted to cry as soon as he asked but my pride got in the way. I was a man after all. I couldn't cry, especially not in front of my little brother.
"Fine. The usual. Nothing new and just like how you remember me." I lied again. I couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't break down with him there. It was fine. It's just another stupid question.
"Still eating pizza at 2 am and watching novellas until you fall asleep?" He laughed lightly. He was speaking Italian. It was so calming to hear his stupid familiar voice. They were my old habits which I still do sometimes.
"Shut up! I do NOT watch novellas. They are TV series. Not TV chick flicks, cazzo!" He giggled more with my reply. I shoved everything in the laundry basket into the washing machine.
"What are you doing? What's that noise?" I rolled my eyes and sighed.
"I'm washing things. surprised, you ass?" He chuckled a little bit. I could hear that potato bastard in the background.
"Well, yea. Hey, I wanted to ask you something." There was some nervousness in his voice. I instantly got nervous and worried.
"What? You need to kill the potato bastard and need me to hide his body for you? I can do that." I joked a bit. I didn't want to feel nervous about my brother. He laughed again.
"No no.. Umm well, we want to see if you could come up here around next year." I felt my heart sink a bit. I knew what was going on. I knew why he wanted me there. I knew it. My throat felt tight. I would like to say it wasn't dread that was filling my body. But it was.
"Why? Is he bothering you? Feli, just kick him out if he is bothering you." I felt my heart beating fast.
"Actually, he is treating me well. He is really nice and- anyways, we want you here because... We are getting married!" I could feel his excitement. I leaned onto the wall. The news should have excited me. They did maybe a little. Maybe it was the fact that I knew my brother was having a happy life. Maybe it was the fact that he wanted me there for him. I don't know, but I felt a stinging sensation in my heart. I knew it.
"Are you crazy?" There was silence from his side. "Of course, I will be there. Who else is going to give you away, stupido." I swallowed down the curses I wanted to throw in.
"SERIOUSLY?" If I was there I would have been tackled to the floor. I smirked a bit.
"Si. You two are too fucking lovey dovey. And believe in true love and all that crapola." He laughed. I could still hear his happiness in his voice.
"I know fratello will find the right person soon. And you will love him so much and hug him and kiss him." I snorted instantly. I don't believe in love. It was just a stupid illusion that blinds you from seeing how horrid someone actually is. I hated love. I didn't crave it like my stupido fratello.
"Whatever. I gotta go Feli. I'm gonna go eat."
"You will see, Lovi. You will fall in love soon~ ciao!" And with that he hanged up. I didn't have enough effort to roll my eyes as much as I wanted to.
The sun was going down. The heat of the day was cooling down. The sea breeze blew in from the beach not too far from my apartment. I was not there however. I was walking around the streets. Filthy men were drunk on the side of the roads already. It was the usual deal you get when you get when drunk people start crap. Only here our police system is a bit more corrupt.
"You will see, Lovino. You will fall in love soon~"
Tsk. I didn't need someone. No one would want a man like me. I'm filthy. I'm not loving like my brother. Hell, they would probably like him better than me. Who would marry someone that has to sleep around in order to get through life? No woman wants that and I sure like hell don't want a man.
The wind sunk it cold into my skin. It was mid autumn and the winter breeze was already here. The moon tonight was full and the stars were out. The only thing that was currently lighting the dark street I was walking by.
My phone rung. Dread spread throughout me. I knew who was calling. It was my boss. He must have a shift for me. When I don't have a client I sing at the pub. If only it paid for my expenses.
I took out my phone and watched the phone ring and ring until it stopped. I couldn't sing tonight. I had been singing all week and that had increased the amount of clients I had. My body was exhausted. The will to continue was diminishing with every note I sang.
The phone rang again. Usually they don't call again so it must be an emergency. I picked up after a three rings with annoyance building up.
"What is it?" Annoyance growled out of my voice.
"Where are you? We need you to cover a shift. Someone is asking about you."
"No it's my day off. Tell them to fuck off." A huff left me.
"Wait but, they want to talk to you."
"It's my day off. Tell them to come back tomorrow." And with that I hanged up.
I found a closed alleyway with crates and a broken roof. It was far from the town but you could hear the music and people on the streets despite the distance.
My mind was so full of questions and worries. It was always like this. Sing, fuck, eat, sleep and repeat. It was a rest day today. But my mind kept going. The crates became a seat for me as I seemed to find some tranquillity in this desolate street.
The sky was getting clear. The clouds were moving away. The stars looked like a map in the sky to a new world. I never thought about it. I always just pray looking up there. Maybe that way the heavens would suddenly open and tell me I wasn't so alone.
"Nel nome del Padre, e del Figlio, e dello Spirito Santo. Amen." The words began as soft as a whisper. You would think that a person like me believes in no god. A person, a man like me would see not even a glimpse of heaven. I had tried so long ago to kill myself. That way it would be easier. That way I wouldn't have to cry. That way I wouldn't have to sell myself to the night and I could watch over my brother from above the clouds and keep his ass out of trouble.
"Padre nostro, che sei nei cieli, sia santificato il tuo nome,"
Praying is all I could do in my situation. I often prayed for forgiveness, for help, for my brother and his happiness. It's worked for my brother but I suppose I'm just not as lucky. It's just a desolating feeling to be unloved even by god. When god leaves you, that's when you truly only have yourself. My voice wavered a little as I continued to pray. It's so easy to submerge yourself in thoughts and forget about the world.
"e rimetti a noi i nostri debiti come noi li rimettiamo ai nostri debitori,"
I lost track of how loud my voice was. My voice often attracted people but I didn't want that. I wanted to be freed from this. I hated my voice. I hated me. I need help. I need to get out.
"e non ci indurre in tentazione, ma liberaci dal male. Amen."
Just as my prayer was over, the sound of a bottle caught our attention. My attention was on a man. His green eyes held my glare. Carefully studying him, I could tell he wasn't from here. He opened his mouth to speak but no words seemed to follow.
"What the fuck do you want?" I hopped off the crates I was sitting on. He was closing and opening his mouth. I realised I wasn't talking in English. I'm not the best at it. It was actually rather hilarious.
"Oh Uh Umm I'm not Italian. Do you speak English?" I have no idea what kind of expression I was pulling now. Whatever it was it made the man nervous. "Uhh" He looked like he was struggling and was about to try something that could make this worse. Wow this guy was so easy to read. "¿Hablas español?"
Ah so he spoke Spanish. They taught me that in school. Never paid attention to those damned classes. Whatever, Italian was better anyways. I rolled my eyes.
"I said 'what the fuck do you want?'" His eyes lid up as I replied in English. Like hell I was about to make a fool of myself in Spanish. No no, Italian and Spanish are similar enough to understand at least a word or to every 3 sentence or at least enough to know the gist of the conversation. So it would be embarrassing screwing up considering how close the two languages were. So English would be butchered instead.
"Ah well. I couldn't help notice how lovely it looked to see someone pray like that." I could roll my eyes so much at this. He wasn't even trying to be hide the fact that he had been watching. "You see, I'm a film student and I need to make a film and the scene just then was truly beautiful. Uhh well I mean I didn't mean to watch but I ended up doing that."
'At least he is honest and not denying any thing.' Was the first thought that came to mind. Then it hit me, he was a film student from an English speaking country. By the sound of it but it was difficult considering the thick Spaniard lisp and accent. He didn't want to get involved with this man. Sure he was handsome and probably had money but there was something about the way he was so honest and clumsy. I knew this guy was nothing like the sleaze and dirty men that I had seen before. In fact this man had a certain warmth to him. It made me confused and honestly I didn't like being confused.
"You still haven't answered my question." I persisted on. He seemed to have completely forgotten because his stupid dumb expression changed into a surprised one. Oh joy.
"Ah yes. Well uhh.. I know this is sudden but uhh I need you to be in my film." The words didn't make sense at first but then I got it. There was no way I was going to be in any sort of film until I got proof this wasn't some fake ass deal. It was probably a trick of something. I wasn't going to be fooled.
"no way. I'm not going to be in any sort of sketchy film. Cazzo, what do I look like?" I began walking away in the direction of the beach. It was always cold there. The breeze was brushing my hair out of my face. the stranger ran to my side.
"wait, I'll pay you 1000 american dollars upfront and 100 for every time we meet then on."
A/N: this has not been edited properly yet ;n;
Thank you for reading
||Ame