I do not own Criminal Minds nor any of the characters

Maybe I can skip work today. Just get back in my car and head home. No one has to know that I even came in today, I think to myself as I head into the office. Monday mornings are always rough, but usually knowing that I'll get to see Penelope helps me to be okay with the start of a new week and the potential for new cases to crop up. But today, knowing that things could be entirely different makes me want to be anywhere but at work.

Maybe things won't actually be different. Maybe they didn't end up having sex. There's always the chance that Penelope saw reason before having sex with him and changed her mind. Maybe I'll go in and everything will be the same. Penelope will have stopped looking at Hotch like he means more to her than she realized, and she'll be back to looking at me. I'll go in and everything will be okay. Nothing will change. Pen and I can still get our happy ending. They won't be together.

As soon as I walk through the glass doors, I realize just how wrong my mantra was. The first thing that greets me as I enter is Hotch and Penelope outside her office, talking very closely and quietly and sneaking a kiss before she pulls him into her office and shuts the door behind them. I look at the closing door with disgust before gathering myself and walking to my desk. I put my things down and see that JJ is looking at me with concern in her eyes.

"Everything okay, Morgan?" she asks.

"Not really, JJ," I reply, huffing and falling into my seat.

"Is this because of those two?" she points towards Penelope's door.

"How could you tell?"

"Derek, you should just tell her how you feel."

"I don't know what you're talking about JJ."

"Derek, pull your head out of your ass. We all know how you feel about Penelope. Pretending you don't isn't cool. It just makes you a jerk. And Pen deserves better than that. We both know it."

"Maybe that's why she's with Hotch."

"But she'd be with you if you would just tell her how you felt."

"I don't believe that for a second. She doesn't have feelings for me. That's become very obvious over the past few days."

"She does have feelings for you! She's just upset because you never notice her, so she started giving up. And then she realized that Hotch has feelings for her."

"What do you mean I don't notice her? I always notice her."

"I know that, but she doesn't."

"How does she not know that?"

"Because she's convinced herself that you'll never love her back, so she gave up."

"But I-nevermind."

"You what, Derek? You do love her? Maybe you should take some time and figure out how to be able to say it out loud to yourself before you tell her."

"I'm not going to tell her, JJ. She has Hotch now. She doesn't need me anymore."

"I can't believe you really think that. She could never stop needing you or loving you. No matter who comes along, no one could ever replace you in her heart. You're her hot stuff. No one can ever take that away from you. So, I suggest that you get your shit together and tell her how you feel about her before it actually is too late." JJ stands up and walks away, leaves me alone in the middle of the office, thinking about how I can't lose Pen.

But she has Hotch. Hotch is a better man than me. He's less damaged and has his life together and has things to offer her. Like a family and a home. What could I offer her? Nothing. All I have to give is my demons. And I don't want her to have those. I don't even want her to have to deal with those. Maybe this all worked out for the best and they'll be right for each other. I mean, I know that Hotch will treat her right. He is an incredible guy. If I have to lose her to anyone, I guess I'm glad it's him. I just don't want to have to lose her. She means too much to me. I can't let some other man have her. JJ is right. I need to tell her how I feel. Prove my love to her. Then she'll choose me. She has to. She loves me back. Right?

I look up at her office, hoping for some flashing neon sign to appear that reads "she loves you too, Derek," but the only thing that happens is Hotch opening the door, looking all sorts of disheveled. His shirt is untucked, his tie crooked, and his face smudged with lipstick. Then Pen emerges behind him and swats his butt as he walks away. The look she gives him breaks my heart all the more. She looks incredibly happy. And then she looks over at me and her face falls. I look away quickly and get up to head for the break room. I can't even look at her.

The look on her face was all the evidence I need to know that I'm right in thinking that she doesn't have feelings for me. She never did. She and Hotch seem happy. Maybe I should just bow out. I'll never find someone else like Pen, but I can at least try to find someone. And if not, I'll just be on my own. It'll be terrible, but no more terrible than this feeling right now. Knowing that she doesn't feel the same way about me that I've felt about her all along.

Stepping into the break room, I can finally take a deep breath and I realize that I had been tearing up because of a combination of seeing her with him and realizing that I was right all these years. I've never cried in the office before and somehow that makes me feel even worse. A few tears spill out as I hear someone come into the break room behind me.

"Derek," a small voice behind me begins. "I'm sorry you had to see that. I just- We just-"

"Don't worry about it, Penelope," I respond, turning around. I hear her gasp as she sees me crying, and I leave the break room to the sound of her once again whispering my name.

I grab my things and decide to take off for the day. They can manage without me. I need some time for myself. Time to figure things out. Time to start a new life. A life without Penelope.