Ok, I know, I know, this chapter has been due for aaaaages and I am actually really sorry about that but you know life got in the way, but here it is. I got a bucket load of new inspiration for this story so expect more chapters frequently! Also to make it up that you guys had to wait so long this chapter is the biggest of this story :) so enjoy!

She had missed it. The stale smell of coffee, the hustle of her colleagues, the sound of screeching chairs and telephones ringing. She didn't even mind doing the paperwork. It was home. Safe. She hadn't been at the 12th precinct in months. When Castle went missing she began using the precinct for his search but soon she knew she couldn't use police resources anymore to find her lost fiancé and was forced to do everything from her own apartment.

But he was back and both of them were desperately trying to find some normalcy in their lives. Castle had started having meetings at Black Pawn again and she returned to her job being a detective. Happy with the distraction as their home life was still a bit semi-awkward. Feeling like they were just dancing around each other lately.

"Hey Beckett, I didn't know pregnancy made women shrink" Esposito said with a smirk as he looked at the detective who had lowered her chair looking quite comically as her arms rested on her desk with case files clutched in her hands.

Kate looked up and rolled her eyes as she wheeled herself away from the desk and pulled the lever so her chair was on its previous height again.

"Well you know, it's better than having to reach over all day because I can't even scoot close to my desk anymore because of this-" as she followed the curve of her very round 7 month pregnant belly with her hand, lovingly resting her hand just below the curve.

Esposito just smiled and shook his head as he placed a steaming cup of tea on her desk and threw her a tea bag, which she easily caught with one hand "shouldn't you be on maternity leave anyway? Spending some time with your long lost fiancé instead of these boring cases?"

Kate shrugged as she ripped the packaging from the tea bag and let it sink into the mug, slowly coloring the clear water "just wanted to make myself useful" she murmured as she turned away from Esposito and kept staring at the slow sinking tea bag, her fingers curling around the hot mug. She really didn't feel like sharing her home-life with him. Especially now that she was so happy with the distraction that work brought her.

Esposito instantly got the hint and placed a few files on her desk "so… we got some results back but nothing seems out of the ordinary… I bet Castle knows what to do with them-"

Kate nodded and reached for the documents her belly pressing uncomfortably against the edge of her desk "yeah, let me look into it" she said as she awkwardly tried to get up from her seat and walked towards the murder board shifting her gaze from the files in her hand to the board. Her tea forgotten.

It was weird how, sometimes, she could just forget about this little life that was growing inside of her. She still could get so wrapped up into things that she would still jump up when her child made his presence known by sticking out one of his limbs against her uterine wall. She tried to work on that. Be more present. But the cases could overtake her so much that sometimes without knowing she had stood in front of the murder board for hours. Of course she had her boys at the precinct who knew about this particular trade of hers and nudged her when they noticed she hadn't moved, eaten or had something to drink in a while, as they subtly or not so subtly pushed a hot of, very disappointing, cup of tea into her hands.

"Girl, how long have you been standing there?" Lanie's voice said, penetrating Kate's deep thoughts. Kate looked up and blinked a few times "Lanie? Hi, um what are you doing here?" as she stood up straight, her lower back aching with the strain of standing too long.

"Checking up on my, very pregnant, best friend, seeing if she's taking care of herself and my new baby nephew" Lanie exclaimed "but you look like you haven't moved in hours" as she shook her head, still with a warm smile on her face.

Kate smiled awkwardly and massaged her lower back by pushing her palm against the sore spot. "I was just really wrapped up-"

"No excuses, let's go to lunch, just you and me"

Kate protested a bit, but let her friend guide her to the elevator as she shared a look with Esposito who just smiled at the two of them. Kate nodded at her fellow detective who she considered more like a brother. She instantly knew that Espo had gotten worried about her and had texted her friend to take her to lunch. She felt grateful and kind of ashamed at the same time.

"I don't know Lanie, maybe I was being naïve but I just really thought, having him back, we would just fall back into being us again you know, like we've always been except… for the baby of course" Kate sighed, as she tortured a piece of tomato from her salad with her fork.

Lanie nodded "I know honey, it's hard and it takes time to rebuild trust.."

"Yeah but, it's not like he wanted to go, it wasn't his choice so why can't I just trust him?"

"Don't you think it's because you actually are not sure if it wasn't his choice? Maybe somewhere deep down you are not sure that he did it on purpose, that he is just lying about his amnesia?"

Kate's eyes grew big, shifting her weight in her chair "Because I did the same to him after I was shot?" she whispered.

Lanie nodded, grabbing her friend's hand "yeah, exactly"

"I-I don't know, maybe…" Kate answered, her head bowed in shame. "You know… I ignored all the evidence that said he did this on purpose, that he left me, because I knew that when he returned he could give me all the answers, but he couldn't…"

"-and you can't find some sort of closure?" Lanie finished her sentence "Have you talked about this with him?"

Kate shrugged and shook her head "the only thing we talk about right now is the baby, which is actually my fault because I told him we should just concentrate on the pregnancy and things would fall into place eventually"

"Oh honey, you guys are just distracting yourself"

Kate nodded "I know, I know, like I am doing now with work"

"Well at least you know you're doing that, so you know what to do"

"Yeah but Lanie, I don't"

"Just talk to him! Look, I have never seen people so much in love and in sync like you guys are. You two have practically been married since day one, and gone through so much stuff together… This thing is just another obstacle" Lanie shrugged acting like it wasn't a big deal which made Kate feel like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders "-not to mention you created this beautiful little life together" as her friend gently touched the curve of her stomach and gave her a big smile "just talk to each other" she repeated.

Kate sighed and nodded "you know-" as she lowered her voice "we actually haven't… have done it yet"

Lanie quirked her eyebrow "you guys haven't slept together yet?"

"Lower your voice please, but no"

"But why? I would have thought you would have jumped his bones by now"

"He doesn't even try to, maybe he's not ready" she shrugged "or worse, maybe he thinks I am just this maternal thing right now…"

Lanie smiled and shook her head "Don't you think that's maybe because he thinks you're not ready?"

Kate frowned "you think?"

Lanie laughed "yeah, I mean he's very considerate of you, hasn't that even crossed your mind?"

Kate shrugged "I don't know"

"Maybe you guys should, you know, get 'into the rhythm' again" Lanie said, making air quotes with her fingers "-and just talk things out, and everything will be fine"

Kate smiled at her friend "you think?"

"I'm sure"

There were a few things she hadn't told Lanie. As weeks had passed Castle started to become more and more obsessed with his disappearance. He had built himself a timeline in his office, which was more of a fort right about now. Stacked boxes of evidence that lead to nowhere, pictures scattered around the office, notes and scribbles on the wall, various colored threads connecting to pieces which only made sense to him.

She found him, hunched over some old newspaper articles, his weight resting on his elbows. Kate sighed and shook her head. His hair was flopped over and looked kind of cute, feeling the urge to push it back. Her talk with Lanie lifted her spirit and instead of this weird dreading feeling when she came home, she felt a pinch of hope.

"Hey" she said after knocking on the opened door.

Castle looked up surprised as a big smile formed on his face "hey you" he answered, massaging his neck with his right hand as he pushed his hair back with his other disappointing Kate as she secretly had wanted to do that.

"Your hair is getting long" she simply stated

"Yeah I know" Castle smiled as he looked back at the newspaper cutouts in front of him

"Looks kind of cute" she answered. Kate thought about Lanie's words on how to find back 'their rhythm' as she awkwardly attempted to flirt with him.

Castle looked up again, quirking an eyebrow as he combed through his hair with his fingers again "oh yeah? You like the 'bad boy' image of me?" he joked, both feeling a bit of a spark again that was them. But suddenly Castle's smile turned serious and he gently shook his head, as if he was correcting himself "um so, how was your day? How's the baby?"

Kate felt her heart sink, just when they were making progress something changed. "Yeah the baby, he's good, he's good" she said forcing a smile.

"Ok, good, I'm glad" he answered already distracted again by the pieces of evidence scattered on his desk.

Kate swallowed, yearning that feeling again of them just simply being… them. Suddenly she felt a spark of confidence and let out a deep breath.

"Castle, this is ridiculous" she said and walked towards him. He looked up and watched his wife move closer

"What, what is?" he stuttered getting up from his chair, he knew that look on her face. She had that either before she was tackling a suspect or…

"This… us!" she exclaimed and moved her hands to his face, which gave him flashbacks to their first night together after she had come to his door dripping from the rain, and pressed her lips to his. Castle could feel his heart pounding in his chest feeling her open mouth against his.

"Wait, wait, wait" he said, breaking the kiss by gently pushing her away. "What's going on?"

Kate breathed out through her nose "I just wanna feel close to you again, Castle, just like we used to be, I'm just scared that-"

"That?"

"You just see me like this maternal thing and not, you know, sexy?" she answered, suddenly feeling very shy.

"Kate, you have no idea" he breathed out grabbing her hands, holding them tight "I have never seen you sexier than now carrying our child I have to force myself to not constantly touch you"

"Why don't you?"

"I-I don't know, I thought you weren't ready, first you were having a hard time before you even wanted to kiss me so I thought this was just… too much right now?"

Kate pulled back her hands and covered her face and leaned over, resting her head against his chest.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I really…"

But instead of crying he heard some muffled laughs coming from her

"Kate?"

"God, Castle it's just-" as she looked up at his confused face "we are such a mess"

Castle slowly started to laugh too "yes, yes we are"

Castle pulled her into his arms and held her tight against his chest "I was talking to Lanie today and she exactly said the same thing…"

"You talked to Lanie?"

Kate answered just by nodding

"What did she say?"

"That we should just find back our 'rhythm'"

"And with rhythm you mean…"

"Yes"

"And you are ok, you are ready right?"

"So, so ready" she huffed, pleased with herself as she was finally able to comb her fingers through his hair and push it back like she wanted to do in the first place.

"Good because we are actually alone right now…"

Kate smiled "we are?"

As he gently pushed her backwards and out of his office, his lips brushing against hers "yes the whole night and morning, just the two of us, and I have plans"

"You do, do you?"

Castle nodded, directing them towards the bedroom. Their lips still close to each other without actual kissing, she could feel her heart pounding in her chest "I love you" she whispered. Something ignited in him, all the tension, all of his self-control was gone as he grabbed her and 'pushed' her backwards onto the bed, gentle enough that he couldn't hurt her or the baby but with just the right amount of passion. Castle followed her onto the bed, exploring her body with his fingers, taking in every curve and every shape of her. Kissing every piece of exposed skin as they started to remove more and more clothes

"I missed you" Kate whispered as she pulled him in for a kiss.

Castle smiled "let's find back our rhythm"

"Thank you Lanie!" Castle breathed out as he was lying on his back, trying to catch his breath.

"Lanie huh? I thought this was all us" Kate smirked as she jokingly pinched his thigh and rolled to her side, missing the days she could still lie on her stomach.

Castle dramatically yelped and laughed, dropping his head to the side so he could look at her "I have to say, we have some great rhythm".

Kate nodded and pushed her tangled hair from her face "that, that we do" she smiled.

Castle moved his hand to her rounded belly and gently rubbed it, making lazy circles with his hand "I can't believe we actually made this, him, our son" he whispered with a sleepy smile.

Kate laid her hand upon his "I know" as she smiled back at him.

Castle entangled his fingers with hers as he started playing with her engagement ring "I'm sorry Kate" Castle said after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"For what?" she answered softly.

"Leaving you, I swear I would never leave you like that, not by choice, never"

Kate looked away and shook her head, her hair forming a curtain that shielded her face. "I know, I know".

Castle sighed and propped himself up "Kate, I feel like… you don't actually believe me"

Kate looked up into his blue eyes and pulled up the covers a bit, feeling the sudden urge to cover herself up "it's not your fault, it's mine." Kate said as she shook her head "the way I hurt you. When I couldn't admit to myself that you said you loved me when I got shot. Deep down I feel like-"

"-Like I could do the same to you" Castle said, finishing her sentence.

Kate just nodded, silent tears running down her face "and I know it's not fair of me, but I was so hurt and I just can't seem to shake off that nagging feeling you know"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Castle softly said, no judgment in his voice as he sat up on the bed.

"I didn't even know myself" Kate answered, following Castle by sitting up too so she was at the same eye level as him "when I talked to Lanie at lunch it just all dawned on me, I never made that connection, and then I just felt so selfish because you are the one who was missing all those months, you are the one who is missing a chunk of your life… and you were so caught up investigating your disappearance that-"

"Kate, Kate, do you know why I am so caught op into it?"

Kate responded by shaking her head.

"Because, it's true, I want to know where I have been all that time, but Kate, I was doing it for you"

"For me, why?"

"Because I could sense you needed that closure, I know you, you need to know these things before you can move on, just like your mother's murder"

A smile formed on Kate's face. That sweet, amazing, considerate man, how could she not have trusted him? Kate leaned over, as much as her belly allowed, and gave him a slow soft kiss and rested her forehead against his "Castle, honestly I just need you." She whispered, "I know we'll figure it out someday, for you, for us, but for now, I just need you"

Castle smiled and nodded "alright let's do that… from now on, let's just be honest to each other, we owe that to ourselves"

Kate put her hands on his shoulders for leverage and pushed herself upright again and nodded "you're right"

"Ok with that said, can I ask you something?"

Kate faintly smiled "of course, anything"

"Marry me please"

Sorry, but this story hasn't been beta'd, still hope you enjoyed it and I love reviews :) x