Meow.

Hellooo shota!Len is back and please do not assume that this story is related in any way to my other fic I updated yesterday, thanks.

Have fun. ;3

3. The Lady of the Lake

Presently, Len looked up as he heard the sound of loud honking.

His first thought was of a car.

'A car?' He scrambled to his feet, looking around hopefully.

But then, it didn't sound like any car horn he had heard before. (Nor the ones he'd imitated.)

He blinked as a large golden goose waddled out of the bushes towards the lake bank. The bird was giving off beams of golden light like a hot barbecue grill. Len drowsily followed it. A golden goose brought good luck, right? He honestly needed some.

The goose waggled its beaming golden backside as it prepared to enter the water. The bushes nearby were lit up like a disco.

'Hey – Goose – wait!' Len shouted.

It peered down its beak at him rather disdainfully. 'Honk!'

'Wait…' He frowned. 'You can't talk?'

'Honk!'

'Hey wait– Don't just swim away…!'

The goose pompously ignored him, waggled its backside at him one last time and plodded into the lake. The surface of the lake gleamed with a mystical gold sheen where the goose's feathers touched it. Len gazed at it in reluctant awe.

No, no. First he needed to catch that goose.

'Can't believe I'm fucking doing this…' he muttered.

Yanking his numerous layers of red skirts up to his waist, he waded into the lake after the goose. It was surprisingly icy, and somewhat slimy. 'Ugh…'

There had been enough material. He ought to have made himself an underwear too. Now, he sorely regretted his haste.

Well… No one was looking.

Where had all these fish come from, anyway?

Len crept up to the goose, splashing about as inconspicuously as possible, wading through schools of slippery fish. Now and then he was quite sure he collided with something like an eel. Something that felt like an octopus squidged itself on his – ah, well. That covered him sort of.

He was not a good swimmer.

The goose pretended not to notice him.

They went deeper into the lake.

Suddenly, the goose turned around, faced him head-on and trumpeted a challenge.

'Honk!'

Len cringed. 'HONK!' he yowled back at it with all his might.

'Honk!' the goose trumpeted indignantly.

'Yes – honk!'

'Honk!'

'Honk!'

'Honk!'

And so the shota and the goose commenced a honk battle in the middle of the lake. Neither understood the other, so they just kept on honking.

A flock of geese passed peacefully overhead, and almost fell out of their organised arrow-head positions at the terrific racket the two were making.

They were so engaged in their honking face-off that they failed to notice a large shadow creeping up on them from down below. It appeared as a dark smudge beneath the surface of the lake, steadily growing larger until…

Snap!

In one, big, spectacular explosion, the giant maws of a fish shot out of the water and engulfed the fat golden goose. Before it could so much as squawk in terror, the goose was gone, down into the depths of the salty lake.

Len stared open-mouthed. His face grew pale.

What on earth was that thing?

And here he was, stuck in the middle of a lake of what was supposed to be his tears, among schools of wiggling white fish (ugh, there was one trapped in his skirt) in a bright crimson dress, just the right size, nothing but perfect bait. Lucky the goose's backside had been so bright – it must have attracted the monster's attention first.

The place suddenly became too quiet.

Len frantically began to swim back towards the shore – a moment before he realised he couldn't swim. He'd never been able to swim. The last time he'd tried in the pool, Kaito had had to drag him out and resuscitate him mouth to–

'Agh!'

He'd suddenly stepped over a deep hole. His head plunged underwater. He couldn't breathe… he was going to drown. He was so going to –

Then he blinked in surprise.

He could breathe!

He hurriedly checked the sides of his jaws to see if he'd suddenly grown gills or the sort. Apparently not.

What was that, swimming towards him at full-speed?

Oh no, the giant tuna-fish.

To his surprise, it braked several feet away, and wagged its forked tail cheerfully. It smiled at him. 'Welcome to Wonderland, Princess Len!' He stared.

'Umm, hi…' Was he meant to wave at a fish?

'How are you feeling today?'

'Downright horrible.'

'Good to know. You must now choose between the gold, silver and plain strawberry. Make your choice.'

'What the hell?'

'Hmm?'

'Typical…'

'I beg your pardon?'

'The normal strawberry. Please.'

'State your reason.'

'Because I want to get rid of it!' he bawled at the stupid tuna. 'I am fucking sick of strawberries! You can't eat and digest and poop out a gold and silver strawberry – what do you suggest I do with it!?'

'Ah…' She looked surprised. 'Good reason.'

'What the hell are you?'

'A more polite question would be who,' she sniffed. 'You'd better be nice to me unless you want to be breakfast – pff. A puny shrimp like you wouldn't even make a decent appetiser!'

'Fine… who the hell are you.'

'I – am the beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, lovely graceful exquisite one and only English-adapted Lady of the Lake.'

'…You're a talking fish.'

'Moi?'

'Yes, you.'

'Can you not see the beauty of my pure heart through this unfortunate appearance of mine!?' the tuna-Lady lamented.

'I doubt it…' Len muttered.

'What?'

'Uh, nothing… Anyway – where the hell am I exactly? What's happening? What's with all the strawberries? What's with me turning into a… a girl?'

The tuna-Lady sighed. 'So many questions… Can't you learn to be quiet for a blessed five minutes – you and your cursing? I'll answer them in order. One, you're in Wonderland in what used to be the south end of the Enchanted Forest until you flooded it and killed all the trees. Two, I have no idea, three I have no idea and four I have no idea but I rather think you're better off that way. Does that answer your questions?'

'No it doesn't…! Why do I have to be a girl!? That stupid fucking fig –! It didn't just shrink me, it turned me into a fucking girl! Just tell me. What do I have to eat to turn back into a boy?'

'Since when were you a boy?' the fish remarked calmly.

'You just fucking shut up and tell me w–!'

'I don't know. I don't think it was the fig, though.'

Len covered his face. 'Oh, please…'

'Look Princess, I'm not the one setting the rules here. I'm just explaining them to you.'

'Ugh…'

'You know, personally?' the fish grinned, 'I think you look better that way.'

'Oh, shut up. Shut up. This is horrible…'

'Hmm… By the way Princess, I like your underwear. It's really… kinky.'

'Huh? …Oh fuck –!?'

Len peeled the poor bewildered octopus off himself, furiously batting it away.

'But it was nice!' the tuna-Lady protested.

'Was not! Live ones are damn uncomfortable!'

The disgruntled, unhappy octopus squirted a jet of ink in their faces before swimming away like an old stringy flag.

'If you insist. So, now –'

'Wait.' Len held up a hand awkwardly. 'Do I get… Um, y'know – those thingies… too?'

The tuna-Lady smiled. 'Of course you do.'

'No I mean… like, periods…' he muttered, turning pink.

'Yes! Of course you do!' she beamed. Len could swear there was a hint of malice in it. He gaped in horror.

'Ugh… Whyyy!? I am twelve you fucking fish-woman I don't deserve this!'

'So yes, I suggest… You had better find Prince Charming before the month's over. Or I think you'll probably regret it.'

'I hate you…' Len moaned.

'Why are you so unhappy? You just got back your virginity again! No more of those director nightmares,' the tuna-Lady smiled gloriously.

'Oh, yeah… that's a thought–' Len blinked. '…Wait. How the hell do you know I did it with my –!?'

'So then, let's get down to strict business.' The tuna-Lady cut him short. 'I'll explain in brief words as I am rather short of time. First of all, you're a Princess.'

'…Fine…' Len mumbled miserably.

'Secondly, your primary goal is to rescue the Pink Princess – that's me – from the clutches of the evil Huntsman. Be careful, he's non compos.'

Len raised an eyebrow. 'But you're here.'

'This is a fish I'm communicating to you though. Can you not see? Are you blind or what? I'm usually a lot prettier – you can tell by my beautiful voice!'

'Okay, okay… But how? Where do I find him?'

'Hmm. Any way you like. Like you could try seducing him, or seduce him, then and again you could also try seducing him…'

'…'

'Third, your other motive is to collect as many Magical Strawberries on the way as possible. The red strawberries give you additional points. The green ones give you lives, which you'll probably need judging by your remarkable lack of athletic skills.'

'Question.'

'Yes Princess?'

'Is this a Mario game?'

'No. Four. Your express ticket back to your real world is finding Prince Charming.'

'That's more important than the Magical Strawberries!' Len gasped.

'You must – very obviously – get hold of Prince Charming before you fall into the clutches of the evil Green Queen who is highly envious of your beauty (though obviously nothing compared to mine, that stupid mirror lied) and will probably very grotesquely murder you or otherwise do some other horrible things to you that you will not want to know about (I made a list by the way). If the occasion calls for it Prince Charming may have to rescue you. On conditional circumstances you may also need to marry him and… yes you know what's the rest.'

'Ah… okay.' Len paused. 'Um. Up to where?'

The fish smirked. 'That's for you to decide. You can actually decide to stay if you want, you know… have one or tw–'

'You're joking, right?'

'N'awwh. They're gonna be so adorable. Just imagine tiny versions of–'

'You're joking, right?'

'Of course I'm not. You'd better kiss him okay? I am so bringing a camera!'

'…'

Len felt rather nauseous.

'Don't worry! I'll print you a nice big copy to take home as a souvenir.'

'Uh, no thanks…' Rin would never let him rest in peace again.

'Oh – and a piece of advice, you had better stay away from the White Queen if you want to avoid being permanently traumatised for the rest of your life. And… yes, that's about it. Any questions?'

'Question.' Len raised his hand. 'How many insane queens and princesses are there in total? How big is this place? Are there any upgrades and special weapons (against insane queens and princesses) available?'

'No idea.'

'Right… One more question.'

'Hmm?'

'Why is there a tuna in a lake? (You're a tuna, right?) Why is there a Loch Ness monster? Why're there so many fish?'

'Yes I'm a tuna. It's a saltwater lake. I thought that was obvious. And that's four questions.'

'Ah.'

'Anymore questions? No? Okay, then we're done – off you go – cheerios!'

'Hey wait –!'

Len rocketed out of the water like a jet-propelled boat, soared through the air and landed face-first on the bank with a strangled cry.

'Damn you Lady…' he growled, rubbing his stinging forehead with a wince.

Plop.

Something fell on the ground after him.

Len glanced beside him to find an ordinary, innocent-looking, slightly wet strawberry.

'Alright…' he growled, 'This is the last strawberry I'm eating for the next ten years you crazy woman, I tell you.' He shoved it in his mouth and swallowed.

He almost immediately began to feel drowsy.

'Fucking w…'

The scowling shota slowly sank down on his side; his eyelids dropped like stones, and he was soon fast asleep.

A rubber duck sailed peacefully across the surface of the lake.

A/N: I noticed a loose end and updated the previous chapter. Please turn back and check the last bit to find out what became of Len's adorable banana underpants. :}

As for the car horn imitations the reference is to Owata-P's song Nitrobenzene.

Please reveiww! :D