I need to apologise for my serious delay in updating - I explained everything on my Facebook page. But hopefully I shouldn't have to do that again.
Just to recap, Bella and Edward were sent away on a romantic weekend and Alice was left to babysit the kiddies.
I don't. Stephenie does.
Chapter 22
Cooper
"No, Marco! You hafta sit still!"
My little brother was wiggling around on my bed. Madre says he has ants in his diaper, and I thought that was real funny 'cause it means you could have ants crawling up into your butt! That's funny right? Yeah, I know. I asked if he really had ants in his diaper, and she just laughed. Apparently it's a saying for when you can't sit still… But, yeah, I was trying my hardest to draw something on him and he wouldn't let me. Babies, right? Who wants 'em?
I was 'bout to draw the black lines and he shook his head real quickly from side to side. "Marco, c'mon! If you wanna be Tonto, you've gotta let me do this!" He never actually said he wanted to be Tonto, 'cause, y'know, he can't talk much. But if I'm gonna be the Lone Ranger then who else is gonna be Tonto? Flash?
Ha! that would be pretty fun though, right?
I had gone into Madre's make up bag to get everything I needed for the make up. I couldn't reach the talc they use on Ellie and Marco's butts, so I had'ta use this powder stuff Madre had. I know Tonto is meant to have white powder on his face, but this had to do. It came in a blue plastic thing, and said 'Dior' on the lid. The powder was real light - lighter than my skin and I don't even have a tan! I think this powder stuff is face paint, 'cause it came with a sponge that face painters use.
*Shrug* I dunno, but I'm gonna use it anyway.
My brother made a weird squeak sound and opened his mouth real wide. He has tiny little teeth coming from his gums but I think Ellie has more. They can't say that many words yet, 'cause they're only 13 months old, but they can say 'mama', 'dada' and 'oooh'. I nearly peed my pants when Ellie did a butt belch once and then went 'oooh!" I want them to say Coop, but Madre thinks that will take a bit longer. Also, when they can say real words like me ('cause I'm a man) I'mma gonna make sure they say 'Padre' and 'Madre' 'stead of 'Papa' and 'Mama'.
I mean, c'mon, they are a Cullen after all.
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After I drew black lines down Marco's face, I got my Jack Sparrow wig and a scarf from Madre's closet. I put the wig over his wild brown hair, then tied the scarf 'round it to keep it in place. He was already wearing brown pants, so I didn't need to change that, I just took his shirt off and Tonto was ready! In my dressing up box, I found a cowboy hat (it wasn't white like John Reids, but it had to do) and I also found my white shirt and black jacket when I was Sweeney Todd for Halloween that one time. 'Member that? It was good fun.
"Coop?" That was my Auntie Alice - she was babysitting us 'cause Madre and Padre are on a weekend date. She was outside the door.
"Yeah?"
"Are you okay? You've been awfully quiet."
"I'm fine! Marco and I are playing together!" Does she not understand that brothers play with each other? Gosh.
"Can I come in?" I said she could and not even 5 seconds later (I counted) I heard her gasp real loud! "What are you doing?" Marco started laughing and flapped his hands at her.
"We're being The Lone Ranger and Tonto! Duh, Auntie Alice." She knelt down next to me and started to gently rub Marco's cheeks where I had put black lines down them. "Hey! I worked real hard on that!"
"I'm sure you did, cutie, but he could be sensitive to this stuff." Auntie Alice sounded kinda worried, but we were only having fun… I wasn't try'na hurt him.
"So… can we not play Lone Ranger anymore?" I was looking forward to that… buttheads.
"Of course you can still play, I just suggest wiping his face clean, okay? I don't want Dad to beat my ass if Marco comes out in a rash." Auntie Alice winked, so I knew she was only joking.
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Even though we had super awesome fun, I was really happy to have Madre and Padre home - they had a big smiles on their faces when they walked into the house. I think it's cause they were seeing me and the Twins again. I gave Madre the biggest hug ever! I hugged Padre too, but 'cause we're both men, I gave him a slap on the back and a chest pump.
According to my friend, Will, you're not a man till you get a hairy wiener and stuff but I'll need to ask my Padre on that one, 'cause Will lies quite a lot. He also told me that he knows how babies are made, 'cause he saw his mom and dad making a baby. 'Parently it's super gross.
I dunno what Madre and Padre did on their weekend date, but they sure were smiling a lot! They kept giggling and kissing lots-a-lots (which was real disgusting! eurgh!) Maybe they were making babies! I 'fink I would like another brother or sister, 'cause, I mean, Ellie and Marco will be my best friends when they are big year olds, but I want lots-a-lots-a best friends, so another baby would be real good.
Is that selfish of me? *Shrugs* oh well, I don't care.
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"Did you have fun on your date, Padre?" We were doing man-work in the back yard, and I was helping Dad make a fenced-off area for Flash to do all his smelly poops. He's trained to do his poops in a certain area, but 'cause the Twins will start to walk soon, we need to fence off the area, or else Marco and Ellie could pick up the poops and eat them! They might look like Tootsie Rolls, but they don't taste like Tootsie Rolls! *giggles*
"It was lovely thanks, Bud. I hope you behaved for Auntie Alice."
"'Course I did, Pads! So what did you do?" I'm secretly asking him if they made any babies… ssh…
Padre dropped the measuring tape he was holding and wiped the sweat off his forehead. It was real hot today.
"We mostly took the time to relax. Went out for dinner… that sort of thing."
Ah, c'mon! You gotta gimme more than that, man!
"Did you… um… make anything on your date?"
I'm real bad at this, aren't I?
"Make anything?"
I stopped hammering in the wooden posts, 'cause I needed to concentrate on this. I was always told that if you're scared of doing something then grab twenty seconds of courage. So I'mma gonna grab those twenty seconds and ask Padre my real question.
"Did you make any babies?"
Luckily he wasn't holding anything dangerous or eating anything, 'cause I think I scared him. He kinda coughed weirdly and his face went pale. "Cooper!" He spluttered. He tried to say something else but it just came out like a choke noise.
"What? We're both men; I'm allowed to ask you that!"
Dad's hands went to his hair, his neck, then covered his face. "First of all, you're only 9… this is not something we should be talking about just now. And secondly, what Bella and I do when we're alone… is very private…" His face went red… I giggled into my hand, 'cause it meant he was embarrassed.
"So… you did make a baby?"
Dad grunted and grabbed his hair again. "I am not having this conversation with you, Cooper."
"But we're both men! I know I don't have hair on my wiener, but I'm still a man 'cause Madre said that I'm the man of the house when you're working with real cool animals."
"That may be so, but I still don't feel comfortable talking to you about that."
Padre opened his bottle of water, 'cause it was so hot and started to drink.
"Fine…" I sighed, "but Will told me 'bout that sorta thing - I don't know what condoms are, but tell me if you want one, 'kay?"
What I said must have shocked my Dad, 'cause the water he was drinking was soon all over me.
Oh well, I needed to be cooled down.
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1 month later.
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I'm so super duper excited!
Y'know why? It's 'cause the wedding is in, like, one month! I've wanted my Padre to marry someone for ages, like, before he met Bella. And then I wanted him to marry Bella since our swimming lessons class! 'Cause, y'know, Bella is pretty awesome and I knew she would be a real good mom when she looked after me lots-a-lots and made my Dad love-happy. And now they're getting married real soon, and I'm so excited!
My Padre and I need to find our suits with Marco. Madre and Ellie have been on a girly shop, and now it's our turn. I've called it 'The Man and One Boy' trip. Catchy, right? I know.
Dad drove us to a big shopping mall which was full of ladies with handbags and all that girly stuff. I don't like shopping, 'cause I think it's real boring and I'd rather run 'round with Flash pretending to beat up super villains. But I guess we've gotta go shopping if we want suits for the wedding. We all have roles at the wedding, and it's gonna be wicked fun.
Uncle Emmett is dad's Best Man, Uncle Jasper is one of the groomsman, and Auntie Rose and Auntie Alice are Bella's bridesmaids. Little Lottie is a flower girl, and I'm gonna be the ring bearer! I wanted to be the best man, but Dad said you need to be real old to do that job, but I have the most important job, because if I'm not the ring bearer, then that means Madre and Padre don't get their rings and they won't be married without rings! See? I'm super important.
Ellie and Marco are too young to have a proper role, but Uncle Jasper is gonna hold Marco and Auntie Rose is gonna hold Ellie, so they're kinda like a bridesmaid and a groomsman.
Apparently Angela (the boss lady from Forks swimming pool) is gonna be one of the bridesmaids too! She was real nice to me, so I think she'll make a good bridesmaid.
Dad drove us to the Northgate Mall and he told me to keep one hand on the stroller at all times, 'cause it was real busy and he didn't want me to get lost. We went to Nordstroms and this lady smiled at Dad when we walked in. It wasn't a normal smile, it was like she was flirting with my Padre! Uncle Emmett told me flirting is when you try and charm a lady. Then you bang her.
Dad said he was looking for his wedding suit and the lady didn't smile as much when he said that.
She was definitely flirting!
The lady wanted to bang my Dad!
I was told to sit on one of the stools and look after Marco when he was trying on a suit.
"Oh yes, Boss definitely suits you." She said when Padre had his suit on. She stroked her hands down his sides and over his stomach. It was super weird.
I think this lady was still try'na bang my Dad. Maybe I should tell Madre… Madre could get super mad and punch this lady in the nuts! ('cause, y'know, she probably has nuts).
The suit was just plain black with a white shirt and brown tie, and they'll add a special waistcoat, but they didn't have one in the shop. Then it was my time to look for one, and mine was practically the same, but with a bow tie instead of a brown tie. I also chose a grey hat with a black ribbon 'round it. Padre called it a 'fedora' and my Fantastic Uncle Jasper has one just like it! (which is why I chose it, you see).
I'mma gonna look so wicked awesome as the ring bearer with this fedora on.
The shop even had baby suits for Marco! He didn't like it when Padre put the shirt on him, but I made him laugh by pulling funny faces and that distracted him. I'm such a good big brother. The end of the trip was real boring, 'cause Dad had to sign lots-a-lots-a paperwork and needed to get everything packed safely in big suit bags. I just sat on the stool again, 'cause I was so bored.
The weird lady followed us to the entrance of the store and touched Dad's shoulder when she said goodbye to him.
"She was super weird, Dad." I whispered when we walked to the parking lot.
Padre laughed at me, "you noticed that too, huh?"
"'Course I did! She couldn't stop flirting with you and it was so obvious that she wanted to bang you."
Again, Padre laughed at me. "Oh, Coop."
"Well, just remember, if you want one of them condom things, just ask me."
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The next chapter is the wedding! I'll hope to have it up next week, but my sister-in-law is going to have a baby any moment now, so depending when the baby arrives, it might be the end of next week. But I shall keep you informed on my Facebook group: RosieRathbone FanFiction.
Thoughts? X