AN: WANING WARNING WARNING!
This chapter will induce feels!
There, I gave a warning. This chapter was hard work. I hope you all like it. This is the second to last chapter, the next one will wrap up the rest of the story. Please let me know what you think of this chapter, please don't hate me for causing the feels.
October 8, 2005 (Saturday)
Today was the day. She had feared this day for months. Today, Rory was going to visit her mom's grave. She hadn't gone to her the funeral; at the time it was too painful. She couldn't bear to look at her mom's made up face and know that she was not just 'sleeping'.
The thought of her mom's body lying cold and unmoving in a wooden box, under the dirt, still made her uneasy, but she tried to focus on other aspects. Like that wooden box was the best money could buy.
Her grandma had argued for hours with the funeral director about what shade of mahogany the casket should be, and how the lining should be 100% real silk. She didn't care how much it cost. She threatened that if anything was off she would sway all of her friends to use a different facility for future funerals.
This thought made Rory smile. She knew her grandma meant what she said; after all, most of her friends were getting up there in age, and were more than likely planning for such things as where they would be buried after passing.
Today was Rory's birthday. She and Finn had woken up at 3:00am to drive to the Stars Hollow cemetery. Finn had insisted that he drive, claiming that he knew she wouldn't have gotten much sleep due to her nerves. He was correct.
He had originally not planned on joining her, but Rory asked if he would. He was been her best friend, her rock, her go to person.
They had grown even closer over the last couple of months. Their once a week lunch had turned into twice a week lunches and dinner together at least three times a week. They had learned a lot about each other, and every day Rory felt a little better.
What she hadn't realized at first, but slowly started to learn, was that Finn was just as broken as she had been, and he was still suffering from his past tragedy.
The anniversary of his sister's death was a month ago, September 22nd. He had pulled away for a couple of days. She had noticed, and worried that he no longer wanted to be friends with her. Maybe she was demanding too much of his time or too much of him in general.
She had gone to his apartment after the third consecutive day of not hearing from him. When he didn't answer the door, she used the key he gave her to let herself in. He had gotten his own apartment back in July, before the start of his senior year and given the key to her so she could come over and wait for him until he got home from classes.
After she entered she found him in his bedroom. He was buried under a pile of blankets, but she could still see the framed picture of Madison clutched in one of his hands. When she moved to get a view of his face she saw that he had been crying.
It hit her then; he had told her that Madison passed around this time.
She removed her shoes and dropped her purse where she stood and made her way to the bed. She lifted the three blankets he was under, and crawled into bed next to him.
His eyes cracked open when she shifted on the bed. He didn't say anything, but instead pulled her close to him as a new wave of tears erupted.
Rory wrapped her arms around him the best that she could, and pulled him even closer to her. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, effectively soaking it with his tears. She didn't care.
She thought about all the times he held her as she cried; all the times she soaked the front of his shirt with tears of her own. He never seemed to care. Most of the times the harder she cried, the tighter he'd hold her.
After a while, when his tears subsided, he pulled away from her slightly. Not all the way, but just enough to look her in the eyes. "Hey luv," he said softly; his voice was rough from crying.
Rory smiled weakly. She didn't like seeing him like this. "Hey," she replied as she reached up and wiped the remainder of his tears away. Half of her wanted to ask if he was okay, but the other half knew that that was a stupid question.
As always, he knew what she was thinking. "I'm okay luv," he said after a moment. "It's just been an emotional couple of days."
Rory didn't say anything at first. She didn't know what to say. She felt stupid. All those times that he was comforting her, he knew just what to say, and she couldn't come up with something to comfort him this one time.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked sincerely.
He didn't answer right away. She assumed he didn't want to until he spoke, "Actually, I would." He moved to sit up and Rory followed suit.
She started to move to give him some space, but he wrapped his arm around her, preventing her from doing so. She allowed him to pull her close, and she rested her head on his shoulder.
He let out a long breath. "I told you that Madison was my world and that she was my reason for everything. But I didn't tell you how I lost her."
Rory felt her heart constrict. "Finn, you don't,"
"I know I don't," He interrupted, "but I want to. You have bared so much of your soul to me over these last months, and I want to be on equal grounds with you." He was silent for a moment. "It was three days after our birthday. We decided that we wanted to go out to celebrate just the two of us. She wanted to go to the New Haven end of summer fair, but I wanted to go to the cinema. She went with my idea without putting up any fight. She was always doing that. Going with my idea even if it wasn't something she cared to do. She was so thoughtful of me, even if I wasn't taking her feelings into consideration. She even agreed to see Stir of Echoes instead of trying to convince me to see American Beauty. It was all she talked about the weeks leading up to its release. She said we could get a popcorn and Sprite because she knew it was my favorite. She never complained, never argued. She was always just perfect."
He turned to face Rory. Sadness was etched on his face. She continued to stay silent.
"When we left the theater it was dark out. We had been dropped off by our driver, so we thought we'd take a walk before calling him to pick us up. We'd always make a competition out of everything. Who could get from here to there faster, eat faster, jump higher. I started to walk a little faster than her. She knew what I was doing. She knew that I was challenging her. She would always take a challenge. We began to run down the side walk. I got ahead of her. It was rare that I would win that easily."
He release Rory and leaned forward cradling his face in his hands.
"I heard her scream. I thought it was a ploy, something she would frequently do to gain the upper hand. She always screamed like she was in terrible pain and I would always fall for it and she would run past me. But I didn't that night. I ran a few more yards before turning around." His voice broke. Tears were streaming down his face. It took a moment before he was able to speak again. "Some thug wanting to prove his 'toughness' decided that Madison was the perfect target for a stab and grab. When I got to her she had already bled quite a bit. There was a shop near us where the manager called an ambulance. I held her as we waited. I did everything I learned from crime TV. I put pressure on her wound and tried my best to keep her awake. The last words she ever said to me were 'I would have beaten you'. The paramedics got there just after she closed her eyes. They did everything they could to try and save her, but it was hopeless. My favorite person in the whole world died in my arms."
He looked back at Rory.
"It was our birthday, both of ours, and she treated it like my needs were all that mattered, and I just let her. I always think about how I should have done something for her. Let her pick the movie, or the soda, or even just gone to the fair with her. Would it have made a difference? Would she still be here? I know that it is not good to dwell upon what could have been, but it's hard not to."
He sat up and wiped his face with his t-shirt.
He was silent for a long while and Rory thought it was an appropriate time to speak. "How do you do it?" She asked quietly.
"How do I do what?"
She was careful to word her question as gently as possible. "How to you carry on each day? How do you wake up and smile, and be the happy person that you are? Other than right now I don't think I have ever seen you sad. You are usually the life of the party."
Finn nodded, "It was a terrible thing, what happened to Madison, but I know that everything happens for a reason." His voice was sounding steadier. "It took me a long time, years, to get over it, but I had to. Madison would beat the crap out of me if all I did was dwell on the would've, could've, should'ves of that night. I realized that I was doing on honor to her memory by dwelling. I had to get better and be happy not only for me, but for Madison too. I have to live life for the both of us. Do the things that we would have done together, and enjoy them for her."
"But you still get sad," Rory stated.
"Of course I do. Every year when our birthday rolls around I feel terribly sad, obviously. I look and feel pretty much how you just found me. But I have still come a long way. I think four days of depressed dwelling is a lot better that the 3 years I spent initially getting past it all."
Rory nodded slightly. She understood what he was saying. She understood the message her was covertly sending her.
Finn had poured his soul out to Rory that day, just like she had done every day leading up to it. Rory had found out that Finn had experience something truly horrific. True she lost her mother, and true that nothing could ever diminish that fact, but she didn't have to hold her mother as she died.
All of this made her think, if Finn could go on to be as okay as he was for most of the year, then why couldn't she?
From that day she had started feeling like she could actually move on for the first time. Finn had helped her to feel better, but it was up to her to feel good, happy, and alive.
Today was the true test of her newfound state of mind. She was visiting her mom to celebrate her 21st birthday at the same time that her mom woke her up every birthday previously.
They arrived at the cemetery five till four, giving Rory enough time to find her mom's headstone. When she found it she saw that her watch read exactly 4:03am. She turned to Finn who had an arm full of daisies. He handed them to her and she knelt down and placed them in front of the words on the headstone. Lorelai Victoria Gilmore. Beloved daughter, mother, and wife. You will always be missed. May your coffee cup never be empty.
Rory smiled. She hadn't realized that her grandparents had such humor. Knowing that her headstone wasn't just another generic slab of gray, caved rock you see in any movie, made her feel that much better.
"Hi mom," she whispered quietly. "I know it's taken me a while to come see you. I'm sure you're up there giving me your serious face, and wagging your finger at me for taking so long, but it was hard for me. It was hard to lose you. I know now that I really haven't really lost you. I miss you so much, especially at night when I can't sleep. I'm still going to think about you, but if it's okay I don't think I'm going to be as sad anymore. I think I might start going back to school soon. I'm sure you're pretty peeved at me for stopping at all. My friend Finn has helped me out a lot. He's been there for me like nobody else could. He's the only one who was ever able to get through to me. You know how stubborn I can be, I get it from you after all. You should see Caleb, he looks just like you, but he has Luke's jaw, which I think is a good thing seeing as he is a boy. I love you mom. Thank you for everything you gave to me. And I'll be sure to let Caleb know what a wonderful mom he had."
Rory didn't realize that she had been crying the whole time.
Finn kneeled by her and offered her a handkerchief from his pocket. She used it to dry her face and shoved it in her own pocket.
She didn't get up right away. She continued to sit there looking at her mother's name carved in the stone. She was still sad, but she was at peace with everything that had happened. She knew she couldn't change it, and she knew that it would continue to hurt; but she also knew that she would be able to find a way to continue going on every day.
She turned to Finn, who helped her stand to her feet. The two of them stood in front of the headstone for a few moments more before turning and leaving the cemetery.