Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Time Skip of Indeterminable Passing
"Jiraiya. Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"
"Two babies living inside of Orochimaru's closet? Then, yes, Tsunade. Yes, it is."
"There are kids living inside of Orochimaru's closet." Tsunade stated without emotion.
"Ye-Yeah." Jiraiya was starting to regret showing Tsunade what he had found tucked away in the back of Orochimaru's closet.
At first, Jiraiya had wandered into the bastard's room because he was bored, but then he had the most brilliant of ideas. To look for Orochimaru's Porn Stash. Sure there was the possibility that Orochimaru didn't bring his along like Jiraiya had done but... Jiraiya just couldn't resist.
Jiraiya also remembered hoping that it wasn't anything creepy. Or had anything to do with snakes (read bestiality).
In the end Jiraiya had indeed learned a lot about Orochimaru. Just not in the way he had expected.
"There are two brats living inside of Orochimaru's closet, Jiraiya."
And now Jiraiya was starting to get a little worried. Was Tsunade broken? Repeating things like that. We were only in our twenties, so definitely wasn't senility.
"These two can't be older than 6 months old." Tsunade had picked the both of them up to scrutinize the kids closer. Looking at Tsunade holding up the poor kids by the scruff of their necks.
Jiraiya was struck by the sudden realization that Tsunade- no, that neither of his teammates should not be allowed near young children. Sure Tsunade had been sisterly towards Nawaki, but she never babysat him. With their large age difference and the fact that she was busy being Shinobi for most of her childhood; there simply wasn't time to spend with him outside training.
Hell, from what I knew Orochimaru was the one that had gotten to know the kid more than even Tsunade did, since Nawaki had worked under his leadership. And to that Orochimaru wasn't even taking Nawaki's death as hard as Tsunade, but no, maybe that was why Orochimaru shouldn't be raising a kid either. Other than the fact that I couldn't just imagine Orochimaru being all motherly, or fatherly in his case. He just wasn't the type. Sure the two kids in front of me looked well cared for, but I could see that it was in meticulous manner. Was he treating the raising of his children as one of his experiments?
It wasn't like I had raised a child before but his other two teammates were just so ill-suited for the job. Jiraiya remembers all of their babysitting gigs as Genin, the two had not technically shirked on their duties per say but despite their best efforts and even when they were doing it right, they were doing it wrong. Tsunade and Orochimaru would always forget and hold their charges like cats (despite Tsunade's Senju basic medic-nin training).
And, oh the deities, when the three of them were put in charge of slightly older kids...
Tsunade had taught one to gamble and cheat. The kid even won more than Tsunade did...
And Orochimaru. Oh, Orochimaru had somehow thought it appropriate to teach a two year old how to throw Kunai, properly. With perfect aim.
A disaster the two of them.
In the end the older kids would be put in the care of Jiraiya. Every single time. With the little ones, at least Jiraiya could acquire the help of Orochimaru and his tedious ass.
Brought out of his musings by Tsunade's voice, Jiraiya was ill prepared for what followed.
"Jiraiya. Orochimaru has kids in the back of his closet! When he gets back I'm gonna kill that bastard!"
"Now, now, Tsunade-Hime. I'm sure he has his reasons..." Wow. That sounded a lot worse out loud.
"You chose now of all times to take his side!?"
"I'm just saying that you might be..." Jiraiya knew it was the wrong thing to say the moment he thought it and regretted it the moment it left his lips. But like a lot of things Jiraiya does, he plowed right through anyway. Always the honest fool.
Jiraiya was once again afraid for his life, and again the reason was named Tsunade.
She looked like she wanted to ready another chakra laden punch, and again it's target was Jiraiya. Jiraiya felt like all the progress he's made so far had faded in an instant.
Jiraiya could practically hear her molars grinding. Her face was flushed but whether it was in anger or the after affects of the alcohol they had drunk last night, Jiraiya wasn't sure. Jiraiya saw her fists clenching...
Around the tufts of the babies' shirts.
"These two are drugged. They can't be any older than six months old!" Really!? She could have started with that...
And there it was. Orochimaru had proven Jiraiya right just by being. These two were definitely not fit to be parents. Right now though, he wasn't too sure which one was the worst of two evils.
It looked like she wanted to chuck the poor things at him. He wanted to take the babies gently out of her hands, but he was afraid for all of their lives right then so instead all he said was:
"Yeah, that's bad..." Insightful right? "But I don't know Tsunade, maybe we should wait until Orochimaru gets home before we judge him. I'm sure he has his reasons..."
Like hiding them from his teammates.
Jiraiya felt mildly upset. Although, he wouldn't admit it but he always thought that if his teammates ever got married than he would be the best man (or maybe the groom). And the godfather of their children. Of course he also thought that any marriage the either of them would have, would be short, and the possibility of joint custody slim. And afterwards Team Hiruzen would be there for each other, drinking all the way.
"Jiraiya." There was that tone again. The one that caused that irrational and exciting fear to course through him. The one that caused the hair on the back of his neck to stiffen.
Tsunade put the kids back onto the floor of Orochimaru's closet, and closed in on him menacingly.
"There are drugged children living in the back of Orochimaru's closet. And they can't be any older than six months old! Do you not understand what I'm trying to say!" What I'm trying to understand is how these two young ones weren't awake yet.
I also think you're overreacting. Orochimaru just needed a tiny nudge in the right direction for raising kids that was all.
Probably. And if not than Shinobi were always given a little lee way in the way that they raised their children. And then he would need to make Tsunade Hokage, so that she could make godparents legal. As in legally binding.
"They can't be any older than six months old! Orochimaru!" Tsunade practically screamed in my ear. "That Creepy Bastard! I always thought he had been a little too friendly with Nawaki..." And there she goes, never could stop her when she started rambling-
Wait.
"What." Jiraiya was starting to think that they were definitely not on the same page.
"Tsunade! Are you accusing Orochimaru of being a pedophile!?"
"What else could it be, Jiraiya!" Tsunade screamed. I was a little surprised that I hadn't come to that conclusion first. But alas I still wanted to give our wayward teammate the benefit of the doubt."
"Gee, I don't know Tsunade. Maybe he's just a horrible father!"
"Oh. You're right." Wait, what? Tsunade had just done a 180. I couldn't believe she was being so agreeable.
"I'm totally in the wrong, Jiraiya." ...Or maybe not.
"Did you really think that would make it all better?! Orochimaru's still a fucking horrible father! We need to fix this! We need to go find Orochimaru, right this instant."
Well, I was the one who said that from the very beginning.
"Fix this right now!? That's ridiculous! That's why I said to wait until he comes back. And then we could-"
"No! We need to go now! A full on fucking frontal assault on his ass. Right fucking now."
"Okay. Okay, Tsunade but first. What do we do with the babes," I said while pointing at said babes.
I got a fucking taste of Tsunade's right hook for an answer and fucking flew onto the wall above the bed.
"What the fuck, Tsunade!"
"...Sorry, it was reflex."
"I wasn't fucking talking about those kind of babes, Tsunade. Get your priorities straight! We need to bring them with us since its not a good idea to leave kids this young alone. And for that we needed to bring babies supplies with us."
"...Supplies?" Tsunade said dumbly.
"Yes, Tsunade, supplies for when the babies get hungry or take a shit. The supplies that are fucking lining the walls of Orochimaru's closet. Get it together, Tsunade." This was all being said and done as I slid diapers, bottles and baby formula into the lining of my yukata. Tsunade was stunned for a second but then she too started stuffing baby supplies into her clothes, and Jiraiya almost lost his shit when he saw her stuff her bra. Almost.
In the end Jiraiya had ended up with two babies across his back, tied in makeshift slings. His clothes covered in lumps and bumps, full to the brim with baby stuff. A handkerchief was tied over his hair to keep his hair from messing with the babies, the knots covering his nose.
They were all but ready to leave Orochimaru's room. But then Tsunade knocked him over his head almost causing him to fall over.
"What the fuck, Jiraiya. You fucking look like a robber who suddenly jumped in the ranks of kidnappers! Get that shit off your face! You already look as seed as fuck!" Tsunade materialized a sake jug out of fucking nothing and took a fucking swig. "You don't need to go adding to it."
"Fuck! You're one to talk. You look like their shady, alcoholic mother! Can you stop drinking for a little while. Or can't you?"
"What did you say!?" Tsunade shook her fists at Jiraiya. "I'm drinking water like I'm supposed to after a little too much alcohol. Unlike a certain someone."
Tsunade ended it with a, "I'll make you eat your words!" and proceed to do so by giving him a black eye.
"Please, stop with the domestic abuse, Tsunade! I'm with child!"
"Ha! I'm not falling for that, Jiraiya! You're trying to make it sound like we're together, you little sneak. And don't talk as if you're pregnant!" Tsunade exclaimed and proceeded to give him two broken ribs, a sprained wrist, and a bruised hip. Jiraiya dodged it all, while keeping his two charges safe.
"Plus, it's not domestic violence if you can take it," Tsunade said with a smirk righter after she back handed him. As if the shit she just spewed was something to be proud of.
Jiraiya wanted to scream, 'This was why you'll never get a guy!' but he ceased and desisted if not for himself than for the children whose lives he feared for.
"Tsunade, are you listening to yourself? You sound like an abuser. I thought we were finally getting along," Jiraiya allowed himself to sound a little hurt. It had nothing to do with being hurt physically. Nope.
For a moment it looked like for all the world that Tsunade was going to explode. Instead she admitted that she was wrong. Sort of.
"...Fine. I'll heal you." Her hands glowed green. "You'll forgive me if I heal you...right?" Jiraiya was a little wary. Those weren't Chakra Scalpels were they? But allowed her near him anyway. Because he loved her. (Not that he realized the signs.)
The room was silent while Tsunade healed all of his injuries. The both of them pointedly ignoring the fact that Tsunade was the one to have given them in the first place.
Just when Jiraiya thought there would finally be peace and quiet...
"Give 'em back. I want to look at them again, Jiraiya..."
They were just at the foyer when Tsunade suddenly wanted to look at the two kids strapped to Jiraiya's back. She practically wrestled them out of his hands. And stared at them.
And stared.
And stared.
And stared.
"Don't they look a little like us, Jiraiya?"
"...A little bit."
With that suggestion a dam was broken.
"This one's black eyes." Like you Jiraiya.
"And blond hair." Like Tsunade-Hime.
"A face like a young Orochimaru, but..."
"Golden brown eyes that remind me a little of Nawaki."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"...Let's say it at the same time."
"Let's."
"Orochimaru went through with his threats on cloning us."
"These kids are mine! But I don't remember getting pregnant!"
"What."
"What...?"
Jiraiya made a shrewd face, his eyes all a-squint.
"Are you still drunk, Tsunade?"
"...yeah." Tsunade looked a little guilty.
"Whatever, just hasten your metabolism and lets go."
"Wait. I want to hold one of them." Tsunade said suddenly sounding meek.
Jiraiya was left with the one with his eyes.
"Wait, we're going separate ways?" Jiraiya said to Tsunade's receding back.
She waved, not even turning around. "Well. We do have a whole town to look through. Splitting up is the best option."
"That's why I said to wait for Orochi," Jiraiya said to an empty hallway.
But he went on his search for Orochimaru anyway. Because why not?
And since Tsunade was Tsunade and Jiraiya was Jiraiya they both got a little distracted.
They should have stayed together where the other was each other's incentive to not get distracted as such.
And so this is the story where before even reaching the age of 1 years old:
Mitsuki and Azuki could be found in a gambling den and a Tea House (read red lights district) respectively.
Orochimaru
Orochimaru came home from grocery shopping and buying drugs all calm and collected. He took off his shoes smoothly.
Put away his groceries, gracefully.
Went into his room, locked the door.
He opened the closet door and was met with...
His children gone.
His first thought was that they had left his life: Suddenly.
It seemed likely after all their mother was a Kunoichi, capable of coming in undetected and unseen. But still...
She would have left a note wouldn't she?
Than Orochimaru's mind encroached dangerous waters: His children were at the mercy of his teammates.
It spelled disaster in Orochimaru's mind.
Okay that's it, the next chapter's will be in the perspective of my Self-insert OC, Mitsuki. I might continue from this timeline if I get enough reviews or enthusiasm for it. But not in the next few.
To sum up this chapter: Orochimaru's accused of being a pedo and Tsunade and Jiraiya try their hand at parenting.
Imagine what them being married would have been like. -_-'
Don't you get the feeling that Jiraiya felt guilt letting those kids from Ame die (or so he thought). So that's why he's so hesitant when Minato and Kushina make him their child's godfather. And why he didn't fight a little harder to have custody of Naruto. Jiraiya is less naive than Naruto when it comes to things that must be done.
In this point in time Tsunade is ill equipped for caring for anyone outside of medic nin purposes.
Are far as I know at least in America Godparents are not technically legal.
Let me clear it up. Azuki essentially has eyes like Jiraiya and blond hair similar to Tsunade. It has a bit of orange in it though.
Mitsuki is a young Orochimaru with eyes shaped like Nawaki's. And since it looks like Nawaki it can also be said that it also looks like Tsunade's eye shape. But Mitsuki's eyes are a golden brown like honey, essentially Orochimaru's eye color. His eyes are weird. Like are they yellow, golden, brown? It changes. This emphasis to Orochimaru is added to by the fact that the both of them are pale.
PS. I'm all up for any suggestions on how to read Mitsuki and Azuki's names. For one, one of them sounds the same as Orochimaru's son and the other sounds the same as red bean Azuki.
Miki and Aki don't really make sense and sound too short. Michiki and Anzuki sound really lame. Please help I can't read Japanese.
Azuki essentially has Jiraiya's skin color but paler, same with Mitsuki but its a paler Tsunade color.