Who are you?
Clarke looks at the closed doors that lead to the elevator. Just a few minutes ago right behind those doors a beautiful leader disappeared and left her with confusing thoughts.
Thoughts about the Commander's eyes on hers. Green on blue. Thoughts about Heda's hands teasing her skin. Thoughts of her low whisper and her soft breath against sensible flesh. Rough and demanding. Thoughts that tell of perfect braided hair getting messed up.
The blonde turns away from the doors. Get yourself together. She is angry at the Commander. Angry at her, because she makes her feel things that are nothing more but empty lies. A woman like that, no matter how gracious and pure, cannot love. She has no mercy, no feelings for anyone but herself. Exactly. So concentrate.
Clarke takes a deep breath and with each exhale she exhales the thoughts about the Commander. If someone could take her off those thoughts, that'd be great.
"Seat yourself, girl." Octavia walks down three steps that lead up to their three different bedrooms. When you ask for a distraction and Octavia Blake appears... "Why you standing in the room like a lost plant?"
Clarke has been titled a few things in Capitol 12 but never a lost plant. Guess there's a first for everything, right? "I was just... honestly, I don't know. I guess I am a little overwhelmed." She smiles at the brunette and earns herself a smile back.
"Overwhelmed by what? How Octavia rushed up to her room so she could peek out and see the glorious appearance of the fearless Heda?" A chuckling Raven bird steps down to them.
"I did not", Octavia argues and with her war paint on her face that killer look in her eyes does seem a little scary. But her blushing cheeks betray her.
Raven drops onto the couch and lifts her feet onto the glassy couch table. She puts her arms over the back and looks at the two girls. "O is so in love with her. I am happy I finally have someone to rant about it with."
Octavia gives her a serious dangerous stare but Raven seems to not even notice. She has her eyes fixed upon the blonde newcomer. Clarke nods quickly. "I am trying my best to be at your wishes, milady."
"Now that's what I like to hear!" Raven grins big. "I tell you something, Clarke girl. This might just be the beginning of an awesome friendship."
"I dearly hope so." Clarke laughs at the bird girl. She enjoys Raven's honesty and her loose tongue, she likes how being around her seems so simple. She likes that this Raven girl is not too obsessed with the Heda and not too focused on the games. She has this cute humor and innocent face, but something about her just tells you not to mess with her. And Clarke likes it. She really likes it.
Octavia sits down in one of the chairs and puts her feet under her butt. She wraps her arms around herself and looks super relaxed. She has simple braids in her hair that remind Clarke of the woman she was trying to not think about.
"So tell me", Octavia begins. "Do you miss home?"
Sensitive topic. "Well... I do actually. I know it's not that great but you know … it's home. But I am glad I am here. This gonna be fun." Speaking the word fun she almost choked. This is by far one of the words she did not have in mind using at all.
"You got any family left there?", O continues.
"Yeah actually. My mom. And there's also Primrose, who is like a little sister to me, but she's not blood related. I am so happy she's safe."
"Primrose you say?" Raven makes a suspicious face.
I said too much. Fuck, don't figure it out.
Raven continues with a frown on her forehead that rather speaks of figuring it out than confusion. "That girl that got pulled? The little girl? Didn't her sister volunteer?"
"Yes, that's right." Clarke's heart beat fastens. She hears it in her ears. Do the other two hear it too? "Katniss is her name."
"So you know her?", Octavia asks.
Careful now, Clarke. Raven doesn't leave her out of her sight. She definitely has something on her mind, Clarke just hopes it's the wrong thing. "Not really." There's no back now. "Everyone in 12 knows the little cute Primrose. She's so nice and smart. It's not a big deal. It'd be more of a deal if you didn't know her."
"I see. Little town and stuff. Kiddo is famous."
"Exactly, Octavia. And even though I know Primrose, I do not know a lot about Katniss. And I do not care that much either. When it hit Primrose I almost died, but then her sister volunteered and I was relieved. This sounds cruel, but rather her than little Prim." Please buy it.
Raven shrugs. "Octavia actually comes from District 2."
"Isn't that the one with overpopulation?"
"She actually has a brother."
"No one has a brother."
Octavia growls. "Believe it or not. I was the girl hidden under the floor."
"I heard about that." Clarke finallysits down next to Raven and looks at Octavia. "They said your parents built a whole small room beneath your house so they could hide you. That's insane."
"Are you saying my mom was insane for keeping me?" Her eyebrows rise, her face darkens.
"No", Clarke quickly implies. "I say it's insane that they had to do all this to keep you safe. That's not fair."
Raven nods. "Yeah it's pretty harsh. But she turned out great. Except for that Heda obsession."
"Stop already, would you!?" The girl under the floor sounds angry, but her face is soft. I guess fighting really makes those two happy.
Clarke laughs at the girls and they laugh with her. It almost feels like old times when she would laugh with some classmates.
"Do you have a nickname? Mine is O. You can totally use that. And Raven is Rae. Or Reyes, her last name."
"I actually rather go with bird." Raven laughs at that and nods. She approves that nickname.
"So do you?", Octavia repeats.
"No. Just Clarke."
"Just Clarke? That's not a good name", Raven states. "How about something better? If you pick bird, I'll pick... princess."
Clarke laughs loudly. Is that a joke? "Why princess?"
Raven Reyes grins. "Because you have that look on your face. You know best and nobody else shall argue."
"I do not." She's shocked. Does she really have that look upon her?
"Yes you do." The bird nods. "You have something about you that just looks like you've been born royal. Maybe it's the golden hair or those never-real blue eyes. I don't know."
"What you saying never-real? They're so damn real!"
The situation is bright and all the girls laugh. They have fun goofing around, throwing words and mocking each other. And now Clarke sees why fighting is not really fighting and why not-really-fighting is so funny.
"Princess it is", Octavia finishes the discussion.
"They basically start with cleaning the tributes", Octavia explains. "They cut their hair, they do their eyebrows and so on."
Raven holds up her hand to stop Octavia from going into detail. "Right now they're finishing up the last touches and after that the next thing up is the costume."
"That's where I come in", O grins big. "I do the costumes for 12. I've been doing the Grounder wear and everything Heda for a few years now, but this year the Commander asked me if I wanted to step up my game and get more involved with the tributes."
The other brunette girl interrupts her. "The real reason is that the other designers are just too stupid to make something good for the District 12 tributes. Commander hopes Octavia can bring some spark into the things."
Clarke has been sitting with the two girls for a few hours. They talked and laughed and mocked around. Soon the conversation turned to the games, or more specific every very step that's going on before the tributes appear on television.
The blonde put on an interested face, but soon turned to really be interested in the conversation and the details of everything.
"What did you plan for their costumes, O?" Clarke's eyes have a spark in them. For the first time she is excited for the pre-game days. Now she understands the hype about it. The games would probably be something fun, if it wasn't about twenty-three children dying; for no cause whatsoever.
Octavia hopes up and down on her seat. Her legs are beneath her ass and her hands tap a rhythm on the arms of the arm chair. She's excited. "I can't tell you. You'll see soon enough, though! Oh man, you gonna love it. So much, you gonna love it so much. It'll blow your mind."
"I hope not." Octavia's grin dies and she stares at Raven. "I mean", the bird continues. "I still need my mind for the games and future events such as living."
The Grounder girl laughs and it seems like she has no worries in the world.
"I need to go", Octavia states and holds her hands up as Raven argues. "It's time for me to finish up my costumes and make sure they fit. I'm glad both of the tributes aren't fat. That would mean a lot more work."
Nobody in District 12 is fat. We can't get fat. There's no fucking food!
"I'll see you later, Rae. Princess." She hugs them both and then dances across the floor to get some work stuff out of her bedroom. A few minutes later Raven and Clarke are by themselves.
For a long while there's silence. But eventually Clarke breaks it.
"District 2 is masonry. Right?"
"Yes", Raven nods. "And they educate the peacekeepers."
Clarke nods as she's putting the puzzles together. "I would like to know more about Octavia's District. And yours. Where are you from? You're not from Polis, are you?"
The bird shakes her head and her typical ponytail flies around her face. "Three."
"Technology. Fitting. I should have known." Clarke smiles softly. "From what I heard you're a genius."
"You heard right then."
Blue eyes wander around the room. She doesn't know what to say.
"You know what I don't get? Why are you on the team? District 12 doesn't really have the abilities to work anywhere in Polis. Let alone at the games."
Clarke looks at her and she shrugs. She honestly doesn't know. She can't understand why on one day there was this message brought to her that she'd been offered a job. She is not any special. "I am confused myself."
"Commander will have her reasons. And you seem like a decent add."
"I have to admit" Clarke sits up and looks at the brunette. "I thought O was from 1. Luxury. Because of her fashion sense and everything."
Raven smiles. "She has a lot of surprises and you just scratched the surface."
The Commander's green eyes lie on a simple wooden box. It's closed. And she doesn't intent on opening it. Not yet. Maybe never. It's too painful. It'd mean an end. And maybe a begging she wasn't ready for.
She holds back a sigh. This is not the right time for sentimentality. Not with the games on the list and the blonde girl on her back. Something is wrong about Clarke Griffin. Lexa can feel it. There's a danger coming from her, it feels like she is planning something but then every time she looks at her – secretly, of course – that feeling fades and it feels so far away.
Lexa knows something is going on. Something unpleasant. But she can't figure it out – or more, she doesn't want to. Whenever she thinks about a danger coming from the blonde, her thoughts instantly wander to those blue eyes. Hate was in them. But so was something else. And this something else was why Lexa didn't care what the blonde was planning. She knew she could stop it either way. Now or later – who cares.
Her thoughts tripped over a long pushed away memory.
"You are fighting guns with guns!", she screams.
Lexa shakes her head. She wants to shake the memory out of her mind.
"You are fighting the person you've become."
She stands up and tosses the wooden box into a drawer. Roughly she pushes it close. But just a second later she opens the drawer again and makes sure the box was not harmed. It wasn't.
A small smile is about to creep onto her lips, but she harshly pushes it back and closes the drawer again.
She hears the whisper in her head. "...of you..." She tries hard to not hear the words. She doesn't want to.
The woman gets angry with herself. Why do these thoughts come at such unpleasant moments? Go away. She tosses the layers of her Heda gear onto the floor one by one. Then she drops onto the huge bed, only in her panties and bra, and she curls herself into a fetus position and fights her own self. Fights her thoughts. Fights her emotions. Fights her past.
"I am..." She shakes her head. Tears are crashing through her barrier and it hurts her eyes to fight them back. A whisper soft and loving. "I am proud of you." And the tears are falling and the emotions are bursting through and the poor fearless Heda can't control her shaking.
Nervously she stands in front of the bedroom door. She lifts her hand... and drops it again. It takes her three tries before she finally lets her knuckles knock against the wooden door.
Clarke waits a few minutes, but there's no answer. She knocks again, this time a little louder.
No answer.
She knocks again and leans towards the door. "Heda? Are you in there?"
This is so not my world. "Commander? I am coming in now." A deep breath later, she pushes the door open and steps inside.
Clarke takes in the wonderful, awesome and huge bedroom. There's a mini bar. There's a bed, as big as her hometown room. A huge TV like she has never seen it before. And on the messy sheets she finds a woman on her stomach, legs spread widely, one arm beneath her head and the other weirdly tangled in-between white sheets, her hair is spread across her naked back and falls into her face. The only body part covered by the sheets is her butt. Clarke tries to look away, but she can't.
The Commander looks so calm. Her beautiful full hair on her back makes Clarke wanna run her fingers through it. She notices that the woman has still her braids in. But all of her clothes lie next to the bed on the floor in a big mess. Clarke wonders if the woman is naked. That would be awkward. And maybe cost me the job. Oh man.
Clarke lets her eyes wander from the beautiful hair down the back to that perfect ass beneath the sheets and lower to her legs. Now how does she wake the woman? Here goes nothing.
The blonde steps to the bed and kneels onto the mattress, she scoots over the bed to reach the woman in the middle. "Heda?" She reaches out to touch her, but pulls back her hand. After all the woman looks pretty naked. And she's her boss. Not a good idea. "Commander? You need to wake up. It's time."
But the brunette doesn't even make a sound. She's deep asleep. And it hurts Clarke that she needs to wake her, because she looks so peaceful right now and not a thing dangerous or cruel. She kinda looks vulnerable.
"This is a job for Octavia, not me." But Octavia is busy with the dressing and make-uping. And Raven, that little beastly bird, made her go wake the Commander. So now she is stuck waking a naked, sleeping, beautiful Heda.
Okay, better apologizing for waking her inappropriately than apologizing for letting her miss her appointments.
She takes in the look in front of her a last time, she reaches her hand out and touches her back. The brown hair feels soft and she really wants to slide her fingers through it. She gently shakes the brunette beauty. She calls her name – or more her title, since she has no idea about the girl's name. She strokes over the soft brown hair on her back. "I hate to wake you up but it's time for work."
The Commander moves slightly and Clarke takes her hand away. "Are you awake?" But the woman is not awake, she is still asleep.
So she puts her hand back on her upper back and rubs in circles. It feels good. Her skin is warm. And – just to mention it again – her hair feels so soft. It's nice. Clarke softly shakes the woman. "Okay, wake up, Heda." She keeps shaking her softly and Lexa reacts. She stretches her arm out and moves her legs. "Wake up", Clarke says. A half asleep Lexa turns around, the sheets fall off her and show that she's in fact not naked. Oh thank god. Still revealing too much though. The brunette scoots close to Clarke and remains silent.
"Okaaay no. Commander? You really need to wake up." Clarke touches her shoulder and shakes her softly.
Lexa groans. "Not now, Costia. Round three was enough for me."
Clarke chokes in shock. Is the Commander talking about... personal stuff? This is going too far. "Commander, this is Clarke. Please get up."
"Clarke? Who's Clarke?" Sleepy Heda is really not the smartest.
The blonde scoots away a few inches. The body heat is too much for her. The hair in that beautiful face. "The games start in three mintues, Game Maker. They need you in the control center."
"What?!" Eyes dart open. "Clarke? Clarke!" Lexa grabs the sheets and covers herself. "You have a lot to explain, Sky Prisa!"
Clarke quickly gets up from the bed. "You didn't wake up. I knocked three times. You have an appointment, Heda." She bows her head slightly in an attempt to show respect.
Lexa sighs. "It's okay. It's my fault. I shouldn't have fell asleep without setting an alarm. I shouldn't have left the door unlocked. I am..." She puts on her Heda face, but with her being half naked wrapped into her bed sheets it's not that intimidating. "I am thankful for your... Thank you for waking me up, Clarke." Klark.
"It was my pleasure." What? "Oh no! I mean... like not... I mean... I was just... I was not looking."
Clarke blushes and she feels really stupid. But is it just her or is the Commander blushing too?
She looks at the woman's cheeks, but something else than searching for the blush is catching her eye. Her war paint was still on when she fell asleep and it seems smudged. First she thought it was because she rubbed her face on the sheets – which are black from the paint now – but now it seems like there's more to it.
"Heda?", she softly says. Lexa doesn't respond, nor does she react. "Did you cry?"
Her head scoots up to Clarke's eyes and green ones dart blue ones. Clarke holds the stare, she knows she is in the better position right now with the half naked Heda in her smudged war paint. And even her death stare can't hide her sad eyes anymore.
"It's okay to cry." Is it really? What does she have to cry for? But in her eyes all that Clarke can see is sorrow and fear to get caught having it. "I know I am going too far here. But since I already have seen you half naked I think it's too late to back down now. If you wanna talk I am here. And so are Octavia and Raven. I am not afraid of you." Clarke sees something change in the green eyes. The Commander's face is cold, but her eyes are soft, even though Clarke can see she tries to keep up her barriers. "I am not afraid of you", she repeats. And something about that must be hitting right into the woman's heart. She drops her Heda face and suddenly she's just a woman with a black painted face.
The change from the warrior to a simple woman astonishes Clarke every time again. Those two personalities that are not one but still depend on each other.
"There's no need to be afraid of me either." Her face turns hard again, but Clarke is quick to speak. "I am not afraid of you, Heda. But I respect your authority. And I think if you would allow yourself to just be you, the no Heda kind of you, for just a minute..."
"We are what we are."
Clarke ignores her and just continues. "...then you would be much happier."
"Are you questioning me, Griffin?" The blonde can hear the threat, but she wants to show the woman that she is not afraid of anything she might can do.
"I would never question your ways as Heda. I can't. But I question your way as a woman. Who are you?"
Lexa wants to stand up, she scoots uncomfortably, but she knows even if she would rise above the blonde she would still be wrapped into her sheets, half naked, her hair a mess and her war paint telling about her tears.
"Don't hide what's the best in you."
The Commander's eyes show a hint of emotion, but it's soon gone and replaced by pure anger. Something about that sentence was hitting the woman in the wrong way. Her eyes turn dark and she basically spits out the words. "Get. Out!"
Clarke quickly notices she has lost this battle, so she turns on her heels and leaves the woman alone in the big room, on her big bed, with her big sorrow.
"Don't hide the best of you, Lexa", a voice rings through her mind. A voice she knows all too well. A voice she wishes she could forget.