Thanks again for being my cheering section,Yira!
A/N: This is a long chapter and a lot happens. I was going to divide it into two chapters, but I couldn't decide where to make the split so I just kept it all as one.
Not a day went by that Shang didn't think about Zian. He kept wondering if the baby would have lived if he'd been home to make sure Mulan took care of herself.
Fa Li and the midwife both told him there was nothing any of them could have done differently.
It was six months later when Mulan became pregnant a fourth time. Her and Shang were afraid to get very excited. They waited a few months to tell 13 year old Zhou, not wanting to risk him getting very excited, either. But, eventually her belly protruded enough that they needed to tell him, and two year old Mingzhu.
Once again, Zhou talked to the unborn baby frequently and referred to him or her as his little brother again. Shang managed to not need to be away from home for military duty this time around. Another general took over training just that particular batch of recruits.
In about the expected amount of time, Mulan delivered a healthy breathing and kicking baby boy. Her and Shang named him Qiang which meant strong.
The first time Zhou held him, he told him all about everything he was gonna teach him when he got bigger. Mingzhu didn't seem to like being usurped as the baby of the family, but she gradually liked Qiang more as he got bigger and began smiling at her.
When Zhou was 14, he enrolled in the military academy just like his father had. It was hard for Mulan to see him go.
When they took him to the Imperial City, where the military academy was located, it unexpectedly brought back unpleasant memories for Mulan. This was where it had all happened. She hadn't been back there since the Hun war had ended right before Zhou had been born. The nightmares that had been gone for over two years returned.
During the week they stayed there, she had too many nightmares and panic episodes to count. It had been over 14 years ago since Shang's terror had ended, but in those horrifying moments her mind transported her right back to that period of her life. Even though she had found inner peace and long since forgiven him, the scars would never fully go away. Rape doesn't just violate the body, it tears away at the soul and leaves it raw.
Mulan began meditating whenever the terror returned or when she woke up screaming. They had returned home, but the nightmares and panic episodes continued. She'd squeeze Shang's hands and force her mind to focus on a mental picture of cherry blossoms while she took slow, deep breaths and reminded herself she was safe. She'd learned that from the midwife after losing Zian. Shang brought some real cherry blossoms into their bedroom for her to focus on.
Mulan had come a long ways from the sword-wielding panic episodes he'd first seen all those years ago after her horse accident. She often slipped out to the temple at night after Qiang's nighttime feedings, just as she had with Mingzhu. She'd kneel quietly while her baby boy slept in her arms. Gradually, peace was returning again. She'd feel her Grandma Fa's spirit comforting her, and she could almost hear her saying she understood her pain.
Shang knew she would never fully move past the brutality he'd inflicted on her, but with the return of her terror he felt the old anger and disgust towards himself returning. When the urge to fall on his sword hit him, he would also start meditating. He knew he was a different man. He needed to live not only for Mulan but also for Zhou, Mingzhu and Qiang, as well as Fa Li.
Before they'd left the Imperial City, he'd been able to visit the site of his father's death again. The sword he'd driven into the ground was still there, although the helmet was not. Once again, he knelt in front of it and talked to his father as if he was physically there.
"It's been nearly 15 years since I lost you. I'm a father of three now and my oldest son is fourteen. When we came to the Imperial City again, all the old terror I'd put Mulan through came back. Now she wakes up screaming again, like she's back in that tent with me forcing her every night.
Did you ever truly understand the level of trauma you inflicted on those women? If you had known, would you have cared? Did you even love them? Were you capable of love?
Nothing hurts me worse than knowing the woman I love has deep scars that will never go away, that I left there with my perverse selfishness.
I have two sons now. The younger is just a baby. He will learn how to love and respect women as he grows. My oldest is nearly a man, now. He loves his mother and grandmother and his little sister so much. He knows a woman is to be cherished and protected, not broken and used. I broke the cycle of abuse and violence. Your legacy of terror has ended.
I forgive you for the horrible example you set for me. I forgive you for the home I grew up in being so full of violence, anger and fear. I hope your spirit can one day rest, Father. Goodbye."
As Shang stood to leave, he noticed a deer had walked up near him. It raised its head up and looked at him, but didn't run away. His father had sent him a sign again. That he saw the man he'd finally become and was proud of him for breaking the cycle of abuse.
Back at the inn, he'd quietly relayed all this to Mulan while the two little ones were sleeping and Zhou was already staying in his dormitory.
The emptiness in the house left by Zhou's absence was keenly felt by all. He had spent much time with their 3 horses, training them. His wish to have his own horse had come true just a few months before leaving for military school, however he had to leave him back home.
Three year old Mingzhu seemed sad without her big brother home. He'd started to teach her a little bit of martial arts, so she practiced it outside with Shang. He continued to instruct her, little bits at a time.
To her, it was unheard of for a girl not to learn how to fight. She had her mother's determination, strength and stubbornness. Mulan began to teach her how to read and write, as well. Girls didn't always get to learn how. She wasn't allowed to do much with the horses, but she was allowed to help with her baby brother Qiang.
Zhou had begun training as a medic. Ever since Mulan's horse accident, when he'd watched the medic set her arm and then watched Shang take care of her, he'd wanted to become a medic himself. He still perfected his archery, martial arts and sword fighting skills, but primary he learned medicine.
During the 4 years he was at the military academy, he was able to visit home 4 times. Each time, Mingzhu and Qiang had a hard time when he had to go back. He missed his family, and wrote many letters, but he loved learning medicine. He got to stay at Wu Zhong several times during the last couple years and work under the head medic while his Shang was training new recruits.
It was during one of those training periods that Zhou had to help care for his father after their camp was ambushed by Mongols. It had been late at night, two months into a four month training period, just before he was due to be done at the academy. He'd woken to the sound of fighting and yelling, and rushed out of the medical tent to find several comrades already dead. He'd grabbed a bow and arrows, and a sword and joined in the fighting.
He was able to take out several invaders with arrows, when he spotted Shang fighting with two Mongols. As Zhou was running up behind one of them to hit him with his sword hilt, the other one stabbed Shang in the chest. Shang was still able to deliver a fatal blow to his attacker's neck before falling. Zhou knocked out the other one and ran his sword through his chest. As he was dragging his army general father to the medical tent, he had to fight off several more Mongol attackers who tried to finish off the army leader. He got a minor blow to the head and a knife wound in the leg and arm, but didn't stop. In total, he had killed 15 invaders that night. It seemed he had inherited the Fa fighting mentality of never backing down and his father's unwavering courage.
The Chinese lost 20 men out of 400, but nearly all 60 of the attacking Mongols were killed. But the number of wounded Chinese soldiers was staggering. 100 were wounded, 40 critically.
The knife that stabbed Shang's upper chest had somehow missed his heart, lungs and airway, but he lost a lot of blood due to an artery being punctured. Zhou assisted the head medic in cauterizing the wound and stitching him up. Once his father was stable, he had to assist the medic in caring for the other wounded soldiers, although he wanted to stay by Shang's side. A runner was sent to another training camp to request medical assistance, and yet another medic was called up from reserve. Both arrived within hours, and the 4 of them worked all through the night and the next day and night to stabilize everyone.
By the time the team was able to stop and catch their breath, Zhou was exhausted. But he was more sure than ever about his decision to become a medic.
He went to Shang's bedside where he was being kept in his own tent. A runner had been sent to fetch Mulan and she stayed by his side and helped care for him. The medic and Zhou had been able to stop the bleeding, but Shang was weak and semi-conscious from the loss of blood volume. The younger two had stayed back with Fa Li.
More soldiers and officers gathered at the camp in the following days, as well. A counter-attack needed to be strategized, as this ambush would not go unavenged. This was war. Scouts were sent out to get information on the Mongols' location and possible plans of future attack.
Shang was still only semi-conscious after 5 days, but 2 other generals had arrived soon after the attack. Together with several captains, they gathered information and worked on a plan.
The Mongols had breached a northern section of the Great Wall, and were advancing further into the Middle Kingdom, much like the Huns had done 19 years earlier. That was when Shang had just become a captain, and Mulan had joined the army, passing herself off as Fa Zhou's son Ping. Zhou knew his mother had briefly been in the army, but no other details.
Zhou had learned of his grandfather's military heroics in school, and wished he'd gotten to know him better. He'd been just seven when the three of them had returned to Mulan's childhood home, and Fa Zhou had died just two weeks later. He wondered why they hadn't gone to live there sooner, but he also knew there was some questions he shouldn't ask.
Like why they'd stayed away from the Fa home so long, why his father had lived in a different house for so many years before him and his mother got married, why he hadn't been supposed to talk about it with Grandma Li, why his mother had such bad war flashbacks and his father didn't… There were so many secrets in his family. Now that he was 18, he saw more of what was different about his childhood. Things he had accepted as normal when he was young, he was realizing were far from it. He had nursed his mother through her panic attacks from a very young age, until his father had moved in and for the most part took over after they married.
But wartime was not the time to be trying to sort out family secrets. He concentrated all his attention on caring for the wounded and learning as much as he could from the seasoned medics he worked with. His years of experience with his mother's panic episodes enabled him to skillfully aid fellow comrades in theirs.
Over the next few weeks, Shang had regained full consciousness and resumed his duties as general, and Mulan went back home to care for seven year old Mingzhu and four year old Qiang. More recruits and reserves arrived, until the army camp held 4,000 soldiers, 4 generals and 8 captains.
Zhou discovered that his Grandfather Li had also been an army general. His entire army had been decimated by Shan Yu and the Hun army, nearly a year before he was born. Again, more questions unanswered. Why hadn't they lived at the Li home at all, and why didn't his father ever mention his grandfather? There were so many questions that would have to be left unasked and unanswered, at least for now. Someday, maybe. For now, he had to focus on being Lieutenant Li Zhou, army medic in training. He had to focus on war.