I Broke My Spear on Barton's Head

Author's Note: My stupid publisher is so demanding! I was really busy pranking someone when she burst into the room with a laptop in her hands and a pencil behind her ear and thumped down in front of me with a stern look on her face. "Loki," she said, "I know you're busy trying to take over the earth and all, but I really need you to write the events of the past day for our faithful readers!" I had to grudgingly admit that she was obnoxiously right. I hate it when that happens. I mean, when other people are right.

Publisher's Note: Please excuse the language in this chapter. I'm sure that Cap didn't actually say anything bad. Loki is just being ornery. I bleeped them out, hopefully that helps.

"WHAT THE H***!"

Someone inside the Avengers complex did not sound too happy.

"WHO THE H*** LET HIM IN AMERICA?"

Out the door stormed two very angry individuals.

"What are you doing here?" yelled Stark, putting on his suit as he stomped forward.

"You're supposed to be dead!" said Rogers, reaching over his shoulder for his shield.

"Odin made me come," I said nonchalantly.

"Explain yourself, Thor!"

"It is true," Thor said. "The All-father has decided that Loki should stay in Midgard for one earthen month."

"I can't take this right now!" groaned Stark. "Not on top of the internet fast!"

"Thor, you know we can't handle Loki," said Rogers. "He'll rip this complex apart!"

"We have no choice," said Thor. "Odin has commanded it."

"He's not my boss!" said Stark.

"He kinda is," I commented helpfully. "I mean, technically, any minute he could invade your planet, sooo..."

"Not helping, Loki," said Thor, and brought down his hammer on my head.

Talk about abusive relationships.

"Tony!" yelled a voice from inside.

Stark winced. "Coming!" Then he turned to Rogers. "We need to build another cage-"

"That won't be necessary," said Thor. "I have sworn to protect Midgard from my brother. I shall keep him from causing any trouble."

I kicked him and stubbed my toe.

"Tony!" Potts yelled again. "We're starting the movie!"

The Man of Iron looked annoyed. "I saw that movie last year!" he yelled back.

"But tradition!" said Rogers.

"Oh, so now you're on her side," said Tony, scowling.

"Tony, come in this minute," said Pepper, stomping onto the lawn, but she stopped with a shriek when she saw my handsome form gracing it. "Why is he here?"

I don't like how people talk about me as if I'm an unwelcome slug.

"We have to babysit him for the month," said Stark in a bored voice. Then he gasped. "He'll be here for Christmas!"

And then there was the inevitable general exclamation of "noooo!"

Why is it that whenever it miraculously happens that I enjoy something, everyone gangs up on me and does anything to make me stop enjoying it? It's discrimination, I say. Pure, unadulterated discrimination.

Like, for instance, the time I have been telling about. When I was enjoying the motion picture the Avengers were watching so very much, and then Barton, my former minion, declared that he liked a different one better.

"The older version is so much better than this," he said loudly, hogging the pizza box.

"What, the creepy animated atrocity that you insisted on watching last year?" said Romanoff. "Are you serious!?"

"It's a classic!" said Clint. "I've watched it every year since I was a baby!"

Romanoff looked like she was struggling with deciding whether to insult him by saying that that wasn't a lot of times, or insult him by saying that it was.

"I can't hear the film, you morons!" I said delicately. I was instantly assailed by a tirade of sofa cushions coming from all directions.

"Keep your demigod mouth shut," said Tony.

"I shall not!" I said, insulted. Of course I was ignored.

The film that we were watching was titled How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and I identified so completely with the main character that I could not see how mere mortals could have created something so magnificent. But I was distracted by the urgent need to do something mischievious. Already I'd been at the Avengers compound for thirty minutes, and I still hadn't done anything untoward. Inconcievable!

I glanced around me. About the room sprawled several of the accursed Avengers in varying degrees of recumbrance. All were glued in varying degrees of adhesiveness to the screen, whereon the film. Something must be done to rouse these simpletons from their silly apathy.

And so I banged Barton on the head with my sceptre.

It caused more of a stir that perhaps you would expect. 1) because I hit him rather hard, and 2) because no one apparently knew that I had my sceptre with me.

"THOR!" yelled Tony. I gained a pleasant amount of satisfaction in the fact that Thor was being yelled at. "Why does Loki have his spear of destiny?"

"It's not a spear!" I said, insulted. Again. I feel insulted a lot.

"I do not know," said Thor, reaching for his hammer, which knocked over about thirty glasses and bottles on its way to his grasp. "Loki, put down the spear!"

"Sceptre," I corrected sniffily. "What's all the fuss-" but I stopped short when I glanced down at my beautiful sceptre. The end was bent at a thirty-degree angle!

I turned to Clint in a rage. "Just exactly how hard is your stupid skull, peasant?!" I roared, holding up my poor, battered sceptre. "Look what it did to my most trusty weapon!"

"You did that yourself!" shouted Clint indignantly, putting a hand to his presumably achy head.

"My poor sceptre!" I said, straining to bend it back. "It wasn't enough to steal the nice little infinity stone out of it; ooooh noooo. You had to go and bend it, too! Some people just want to watch the world burn!"

"HA, you have room to talk!" Tony scoffed.

"You poor thing," said Natasha to Clint. "Let me get some bandages."

"I'm fine," said Clint mopily. "But I swear, Loki, if you keep pulling pranks like that,

I won't get you a single present for Christmas!"

Publisher's Note: I have decided to let Loki answer reviews this time. I hope I don't regret it... o.O

Author's Note: It seems that I am already amassing my own cyber army! Ehehehe. This is good. Very good. But on to the responses.

the avengette- Of course we responded to your review. What do you take us for? Puny chitauri or- P/N: *pushes Loki aside* What he means to say, my dear, is that we really appreciate your review and guest reviewers are just as special as other reviewers! Thus we try to respond to all- A/N: *pushes Lily aside* OUT OF MY WAY MORTAL! As. I. Was saying. We thank you for your thought and kindness, and Lily is poking me and saying that I should tell you that I hope you like the story more and more as it goes along. :)
Elessar's Daughter- At last! Someone who recognizes me for what I truly am! KNEEL BEFORE ME! P/N: I swear he's like this to everyone! Just ignore him! A/N: Shut up, puny peasant. I have a fan group now. P/N: That's... truer than you know *hides laptop behind her*
Maniac at Midnight- We thank thee! Thor: DID SOMEONE SAY CAKES? A/N: HIDE THEM!... Ahem. I am so glad you like the story! Aren't I the best writer ever? ^-^
LadyOfAnfalas- Thanks! I could use a little luck. It seems there is a limit to good pranks to play. D:

And another thank-you to a new followers: TimeyWimeyINTJ and DeVilDahling-

-and favourite-er: DeVilDahling. Awesome name, by the way! Lily just forced me to watch that film and I think I have found my soulmate in Cruella *heart eyes* P/N: Um, yeah... we still need to go over what "fiction" is...