Somebody Snitched on Me

Author's Note: I am extremely discriminated against. It's terrible. Did you know that I'm not even allowed to vote? Steve says criminals can't, and that I'm not even a citizen of America. That seems rather petty.

"Today, we're going to get a Christmas tree," said Pepper, slamming a box of Loki Charms on the counter top.

"Why would we do that?" asked Tony, sneaking her iPhone from her back pocket. "There will be needles all over the floor!"

"Because," said Pepper, taking the phone back, "it will be an experience."

I can honestly say that I agree with Tony on this one. What is the point of an "experience" - unless it's experiencing world domination?

"What are you holding, brother?" said Thor, plopping down beside me and upsetting my bowl of cereal.

"Nothing," I muttered, and stuck Keke (my adopted stuffed snowman) under my sweater.

"You people are so unhealthy," the Vision commented. "If you eat cereal at this rate, you will die 1.8 years sooner than you would otherwise."

Clint practiced throwing darts at his embedded infinity stone.

"This isn't going to work, Thor," said Tony, opening the cabinet and pointing to a large box of poptarts with Mjolnir on top of it. "It's cardboard. Someone could just cut a hole in it."

"Still pretty clever, though," said Rhodie.

"Finish your breakfast and get your coats on," said Pepper. "I don't have all day!"

"You can't go out in that, Loki!" said Wanda, who had apparently forgiven me for the last two days. "You'll freeze to death!"

"Fine by me," I said mopily.

"Loki needs a scarf and gloves," she called to Pepper. "Does anyone have any spares?"

That's how I ended up with a red, white, and blue scarf, mismatching gloves (one purple and the other green), and a hat that looked like Banner must have hulked out in it.

There was a big argument about who had to bring the tree back in his car, but in the end it was agreed that Thor and the Man of Iron would carry it between them and fly back to the complex.

"This one looks good," said Steve.

"No, this one," said Clint. He pointed to one with a bird perched in its branches. "Always trust the judgement of birds."

"That is so weird," said Nat, pushing past him. "We should get a small one."

"Yeah, so I won't have to move furniture," said Tony.

"Like you'd be the one doing it," said Steve and Sam together.

"Don't grub in the dirt, Loki," said Rhodie. "You're getting my glove dirty."

I didn't listen. I had come across a very nice ant hill, and it would be a waste not to destroy their home and declare myself ruler.

"I found the best one," said Pietro, appearing suddenly.

"How do you know it's the best?" asked Rhodie.

"Because he's already been around the whole field," said Wanda. She wrapped her arms around herself and shivered. "Guys, can we just decide already?"

"Loki, get up from the dirt, you're messing up Cap's scarf," said Sam. "Let's see the one you picked, Pietro."

The Avengers walked off, but I stayed behind. The ants were very nice. There was a whole colony. I bent down and put my mouth near the holes.

"Kneel before me," I whispered.

"Loki, get over here!" yelled someone, and I regretfully left the ant hill only half demolished.

"Help Clint saw this tree down," said my brother.

"Why doesn't the man of spangles?" I said, frowning.

"You need more muscles," said Thor, and shoved me forward.

Clint was whistling I'll Be Home for Christmas.

"Will you shut up?" I hissed.

"Nothing you can say can dampen my spirits," said Clint. "I'm going to be with my family for Christmas."

"WHAT?" I shouted, then winced as I sliced open my hand. "You never told me you had a family!"

Apparently there were a lot of things he didn't tell me.

"I feel so abused," I whimpered. "You lied to me!"

"Well, you were mind controlling me, so I was provoked," he said apologetically.

"Are you guys almost done?" yelled Tony from above us. "It's taking you forever! Maybe if I just..."

"NOOO!" yelled Pepper, but it was too late.

Tony sent a blast of energy at the tree trunk.

There was a sonic boom and a mini mushroom cloud, and Clint and I slowly sat up.

"You're covered with soot," I said to Clint.

"You're one to talk," he countered.

"TONY!" yelled Pepper.

I love it when people are angry at someone besides me.

After a lot of yelling and blaming and confusion (during which I was very busy planning a special surprise for Tony), the man of Iron and my brother finally lifted off and started carrying the tree to the Avengers complex.

"When do we decorate?" squealed Nat.

"I think we'll do that tomorrow," said Pepper. She looked exhausted, and understandably so. You can't yell for fifteen minutes at Tony Stark without suffering.

We piled in Clint's hippie van and started chugging back, when suddenly there was a loud scream from above us. Then something smashed through the van roof.

"WHO PUT ANTS IN MY SUIT!?" yelled Tony, tearing off his armor piece by piece. "AAAH!"

"LOKI!" yelled everyone, turning on me.

"WHAT?" I yelled back defiantly.

"YOU'RE NOT GETTING A THING FOR CHRISTMAS!"

Author's Note: I almost didn't include the fact that Kermit the frog actually did survive; but since everyone seemed worried about it, I had to mention, he is absolutely fine.

Elessar's Daughter- Finally someone who sees sense. :) Thank you! And you're welcome. I'm really starting to enjoy writing this. Kermit is alive, or I would have an arrow through some uncomfortable part of me. lol (it stands for "Laughing Out Loud")
TimeyWimeyINTJ- Yes, I really like the blanket. Thor bought it for me because he thought it looked like space, and then Lily made me start watching Doctor Who after fangirling over it for about three days. The Muppets? I shall have to research this using my newly acquired Eye Phone.
Loki's slave- Yes, I am the best writer ever. With my skills, it won't be long before the whole of Midgard bows before me! And YES. Odin is stupid stupid stupid! P/N: I do not agree with Loki on this, just so everyone knows. I think Odin makes mistakes, but he's a loving and kind father... AAAH! *runs away from Loki... again*
Maniac at Midnight- A/N: Ehehehe, I love pranking them. If only they were stupid and couldn't guess it was I!
aschi49- In LOVE with me? *fumes* If I could choose a superpower, it'd be to crawl through this computer and punch you in the face! P/N: It's not nice to hit girls, Loki! For shame! Besides, you have no idea how many people are in love with you... A/N: Wait... what? ANYHOW. I accept your total and complete surrender to my every whim. You will help me take over the world, and we shall rule together as Master and Minion! We are sorry, Lily and I, that we didn't get this up as early as usual. Lily dragged me to church. *fumes some more* I myself don't see why everyone is so upset/excited/happy about the Civil War trailer. I'm not even in it!
the avengette- You have prank skills worthy of the god of mischief! I congratulate you! You sister does sound very much like Clint. XD (That is an EMOJI. Lily is teaching me the use of these funny symbols :D)
Jedi Kay-Kenobi- Thank you for stopping by. :D That is an idea... where can I find more frogs? PEPPER, I WANT TO GO TO THE PET SHOP!
I Am Legend Not Myth- See? Everyone agrees with me. I am discriminated against! Although maybe putting Kermit in Wanda's bed was a little cruel... TO THE FROG. Hahaha. P/N: Loki, you need to take a nap. Look your sense of humor is going down hill. A/N: WHAT?
LadyofAnfalas- Yes, Pepper is a taskmaster. P/N: we have tons of decorations, too. *faints from exhaustion* Every Black Friday is so tiring!

A/N: Thanks all for reviewing! Thank you aschi49 and Jedi Kay-Kenobi for following, and Jedi Kay-Kenobi for favourite-ing!