I Made Rogers Eat a Bug

Author's Note: When someone comes to you and says in the nicest way possible with a puppy-dog look in her eyes that she'd simply love for you to write a wonderful Christmas story for her- Tell her no. Trust me on this. Lily has been driving me up the wall with her constant nagging and shoving of laptops at me. I'm tired of relaying my horrible life!

She insists that it's just a very ordinary bout of Writer's Dumps, and I'll get over it quickly. "Reviews speed up the process," she declares, "and if you don't publish consistently, then you won't get as many reviews."

I have other things to do. People to prank. Worlds to dominate. So be very thankful that I'm taking the time to write this story.

"You guys ate all my cookies," said Nat*.

"Sorry!" shouted Clint from where he was playing Mariokart.

"So you guys can make some more!" she finished.

"WHAT?" yelled Tony. "NOT ANOTHER CHRISTMAS ACTIVITY!"

"Yes! I'll make the frosting!" said Pepper.

"No, that's okay, I'm sure someone else will do it," said Nat hurriedly. Pepper wasn't the best cook.

"Loki, get in here," said Thor. "No shirking. You will help the Midgardians with this next project!"

"It's supposed to be for fun," said Steve, "so Loki shouldn't get to help after that last stunt he pulled."

"I didn't do anything!" I protested. Getting blamed for stepping on a glass ornament and cutting myself and almost dying of BLOOD LOSS? Come on, people!

"Yes you did," said Pepper huffily. "You deliberately stomped on an expensive ornament!"

"I DID NOT!" I yelled.

"You're not getting any cookies!" said Tony.

"I DON'T CARE!" I shouted. Even though I did.

I stomped off to my room- this time avoiding all glass objects that might be on the floor- and jumped on my bed. I picked up Keke and looked into his eyes.

"You're the only one who understands me," I whispered.

"You're talking to a stuffed toy?" said Thor very loudly so that all the Avengers could hear him. "Loki, are you going crazy?"

"SHUT UP, THOR," I yelled, throwing Keke across the room. I swear one of these days I'll kill that great oaf.

In the mean time, there had to be some way I could get back at Steve Rogers. That jerk had ruined all my plans of cookie domination! Cooking is the one thing (besides ruling the world) that I'm good at. And now I couldn't showcase my mastery to these peasants.

Then I had an idea.

I had been planning to use the ants I had saved from the van wreckage on Thor, but I supposed I must make the necessary sacrifice for the sake of revenge. I tiptoed to the kitchen.

Nat and Clint were mixing the dough, Steve was stirring up some frosting, and the Vision was rummaging for some sprinkles. No one was looking at the powdered sugar that Steve was about to add to the icing.

"I'm frosting this red, white, and blue, for freedom," said Steve, straightening his apron and picking up a cookie.

"I get to try one first!" said Clint. "I made them."

"No, I do!" said Captain America. "I'm older!"

"I think Cap should get the first one," I said.

Everyone looked at me suspiciously. Steve examined the cookie, and then looked at me suspiciously again. "Maybe I don't want the first one after all."

"Sure you do," I said slyly. "Look how good it is!"

"If you switched the Vanilla for my hydrochloric acid..." Tony warned.

"Of course not!" I said, feigning horror. "Why would I do that to Captain America?"

Steve suspiciously took a bite. Then he suspiciously chewed. Then he suspiciously swallowed. "You didn't do anything to them?" he said suspiciously.

"AHAHA I put ants in the icing!" I laughed. "LOKI'D!"

"LOKI I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU!"

"GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

"NO PRESENTS FOR YOU THIS CHRISTMAS!"

*Lily told me to shamelessly advertise her story "Cookies" here. It's a one-shot about the Avengers. Since she doesn't even remember whether I'm in it or not, I suppose it must be terrible.

Author's Note: Out of curiosity, is anyone else going to be forced into Christmas Carolling this year? Pepper said something about it, and I want to think of a way to get out of it.

Jedi Kay-Kenobi- I've been working on finding those frogs and snakes you mentioned. There don't seem to be any swamps in this section of New York. Most annoying- ARHLG Funny how having Lily's cat on top of me can make everything so much harder *glares at cat* I can hardly type. *pets cat gently* I think I might like animals...
aschi49- *pouts* Lily won't let me read Divergent. She says she hates that book. In fact, she ranted for like ten minutes straight. Stop reading over my shoulder, cat! *shoves cat out of the way* As I was saying. Lily really doesn't like Divergent, and as for The Hunger Games, she says I would like the violence too much. It's not fair because everyone is talking about the last movie, and ugh. Are all publishers like this? So demanding! I can't wait to rule the world with you. It will be a blast. Literally. :)) P/N: Is that supposed to be a double-chinned smiley? A/N: DON'T QUESTION MY SMILEYS
TimeyWimeyiNTJ- Sam and Clint have a whole club now. Clint built a treehouse at his farm and they will only let Bird Bros in. I think they were even talking about opening a Bird Bros Burger Joint.
the avengette- That's okay. All that happens to people who don't read this right away is they are incinerated instantaneously! P/N: I promise he's just joking! Sometimes it's rather hard to tell! D: Oh, but avengette, have you seen that gif of Jeremy Renner fangirling? IT. IS. LIFE. A/N: Who's Jeremy Renner?
rogue planet 13- I hate Lily's kindle's autocorrect, too. It doesn't even know what Asgard is. -_- It's NEVER my fault. Well, hardly ever.
Elessar's Daughter- I really like your respectful address of me every review. I am very proud of my ego, thank you. :) Yay! Except Tony locked his shaving cream up so I wouldn't do it again. :( Lily, does your dad have any shaving cream I can borrow?...
LadyOfAnfalas- I don't... think so? Thor, do Jotuns have healing powers? Anyhow, yes, I think the evil monster who slayed me was dark, but he was a Kurst. You may have seen Malekith, my brother's enemy, had white-ish grey skin until the Aether possessed him. Man, that part of my life was WEIRD. P/N: Wait a minute, that dude WAS dark skinned before he was a Kurst. I didn't remember that before. A/N: Wait, you've met that guy? P/N: Um... Anyhow, most of the dark elves wore masks, so it was hard to tell. I was just going by Malekith. Maybe the comics talk about it more. A/N: Comics? Oh, what's wrong with WikiHow? I will have to find this web sight. P/N: *sigh* Website, Loki.