Broke Phil's Favourite Coffee Mug

Author's Note: If you peasants would please stop reviewing and telling my puny publisher that this is a good story, I would appreciate it. After all, it's me doing all the work. And her pictures are terrible! I am NOT that fat!

"'Dear Natasha,'" Nat read aloud, "'I wish you were here. I cannot come home for Christmas, sadly. It's making me so sad that I think I might- oh no-' And after that I think he hulked out, because it's all scribbles."

"So he's not coming back, then?" said Clint. "Thank goodness."

"Clint!"

"I don't like him hitting on you! It's creepy."

"I was the one hitting on him, thank you very much," Nat sniffed. "Will he ever come back?!"

"I wish Bucky could come for Christmas," Steve sniffled. "I remember the last Christmas I was awake for... he bought me a flexible flyer..."

"Steve, I don't understand why you want to hang out with a psychopath so much," said Rhodie.

"Psychopaths are cool," I said, perking up. "I would like to meet this 'Bucky'."

"No, I don't think you'd get along well," said Steve. "Bucky is nice." I think he was still upset about the ants.

"Here's a card from your family, Clint. Your wife says that you don't have to come home for Christmas."

"Stop reading my mail. WHAT?" Clint grabbed the card from Tasha. "Why would she say that?"

"Maybe because last time, you painted hawks all over the nursery," said Nat, rolling her eyes. "I don't think she appreciates your decorating skills."

"But it was pure, unadulterated talent!" said Clint. "I'm a great artist!"

"I'm expecting lots of packages today," said Tony breezily, throwing an iPhone down on the counter. "No body open them. Spoilers."

"Tony, where did you get that?" said Pepper angrily. "I told you, no electronic devices at all, since you keep hacking into the internet!"

"I don't see why you get to tell me I can't be on my own internet!" Tony protested.

I'm not the only one with abusive relationships.

The doorbell rang.

"Don't answer that," I said. I hate visitors.

"It's just the mail, Loki," said Wanda, hurrying to the door.

"She has a crush on the UPS man," Pietro explained longsufferingly.

"How many packages did you say you were getting?" asked Pepper uncomfortably.

The UPS man stumbled in, carrying twenty boxes, and Wanda trotted after him, carrying two. "Tony, where are you going to put all this stuff?" asked Pepper. "I told you to let me do the Christmas shopping again!"

"But this Christmas is special," said Tony. "It's my first Christmas... *sniff* without Jarvis..."

"I am simply Jarvis upgraded," said the Vision, patting Tony comfortingly on the back.

"I don't see how buying so many Christmas presents is going to help you with your loss," said Pepper dryly.

"They're not presents!" said Tony. "Well, I guess they are. For me. What? I need an emotional booster! I shop online when I'm depressed!"

Nat rolled her eyes.

The UPS man shifted uncomfortably. Tony whirled around and pointed at him.

"If any of this goes onto the internet, I will personally blast your house apart!" he threatened.

The UPS man ran.

Ehehehe, the man of Iron did not reckon on me being able to hack into his precious internet. }:D

"Tony," said Pepper, turning slowly towards him, "did you say that you bought those things... online?"

Tony cowered. "NO," he lied.

There was an eerie silence.

Then two streaks of colour zoomed out of the room. I assume the first was Tony and the second was Pepper.

"What was that about?" asked Pietro.

"His internet fast," Nat began.

"Loki, you shouldn't drink out of that mug," said Pepper, reentering the room and looking like she was in a foul temper. "It's Phil's favourite."

The mug in question was one that Tony had bought in a bout of angsty sorrow after Agent Coulson "died". It said "Coulson Lives" on it, but Tony's opinion of it had gone drastically down after he found out that Coulson actually did live.

"Where's Tony?" asked the Vision cautiously.

"He's hiding," Pepper huffed.

The door bell rang again.

"Speaking of the doorbell ringing," said Cap, although nobody had been, "why are there no America knock knock jokes?"

"It's Phil," said Pepper, going to the door.

"There are American knock knock jokes," said the Vision. "The knock knock joke originated in Tenn-"

"I said America knock knock jokes," said Cap. "Not American."

"You mean, 'Who's there? America. America who'?" asked Tony, slipping into the room and hoping Pepper wouldn't notice. "That wouldn't make sense."

"Come in, Phil," said Pepper.

"Oh," said Tony, who was getting the two conversations mixed up. "You mean, like, 'Knock knock. Who's there? America. Come in America!'? That would be a really stupid joke."

"You're just supposed to say I don't know!" said Cap.

"I don't know America? That makes even less sense!"

"No," said Cap, exasperated. "I say, why are there no America knock knock jokes, you say, I don't know."

"Don't tell me this is a dad joke!" said Tony.

"IT'S BECAUSE FREEDOM RINGS!" yelled Cap.

There was a thunderous silence.

Coulson sniggered.

"Notice that only dad-type people laugh at dad jokes," said Tony dryly.

I decided to test that hypothesis on Odin.

"Loki, waTCH OUT!" yelled Wanda.

I looked down just in time to see Phil's favourite mug crash to the ground.

"Oops," I said. "Sorry." To the mug, of course. I don't say sorry to mere mortals.

Coulson frowned. "SHIELD," he said, "regrets to inform you that you are not getting any Christmas presents this year."

Author's Note: Ehehehe. It's too bad. I sort of liked that mug myself.

Thanks, serenagotisullivan and RussianAssassin for following and favourite-ing my story! :) You guys are awesome.

TimeyWimeyINTJ- Lily says thank you, and tried to grab the laptop from me to thank you herself, but I wouldn't let her have it. :) She says she'll have to re-read it because she doesn't remember how it ends.
Guest- AHAHAHAHAHA! Yes, I must spike their drinks! I fear it wouldn't have that much of an effect on the Man of Iron, though. I also liked your idea of making Thor sing, but he already does that enough, and it would be too painful for me to make him do it because my ears will blow up.
the avengette- Thank you for the advice. Thor once made me go caroling to Jotunheim as a peaceful advance to the Frost Giants. It... well, it didn't go well. Thankfully, the cold never bothered me anyway.
Maniac at Midnight- I had perfectly good reasons, I assure you. Mainly revenge. And it was fun to see his horrified face.
rbavenger- NO. The Hulk is not invited to our Christmas. D: I still haven't gotten over a certain injury from last time. XD
rogue planet 13- Don't worry. I only used one ant. I thought I'd like to save the rest for something spectacular. I don't know what yet. No one will believe me! I have tried that before. No one thinks I'm telling the truth! I said I had a sore throat when Thor made me carol to Laufey, and he didn't believe me. D:
RussianAssassin- I like your avatar. But should you be reading this in class? Sounds like something I would do. }:) I am happy you laughed! And are you the same Russian Assassin that guest-reviewed? Just wondering!

See you tomorrow, my minions. }:)